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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Im furious that sister took an overdose and her husband didnt tell anybody!!!

78 replies

Fanty · 11/04/2012 11:44

He told my dad a couple of days later and HE didnt bother telling me or my mother or my other sister who is a clinical psychologist and therefore kinda handy in a situation like this. Oh, yep, and he is a counsellor himself who has been working away as usual, leaving her alone in the house til nine each night. Jesus. He'd be sacked if this was in a professional capacity.

I am normally the closest of all of us by a mile but she fell out with me last august when i went on holiday with her and wasnt being fun enough ( had a mc the week before i went so was a mess, frankly). This is the reality of having a relly who is borderline pd.

I really think a phonecall is in order because while he is only abiding by her wishes, I trust that he will make her follow up her treatment. I know she will do this again. Am i right to be mad? I know your husband is your next of kin Etc but surely he had a moral responsibility to contact her mother.

Would like to hear your rational thoughts ... PLEASE

OP posts:

Mrsrobertduvall · 11/04/2012 12:20

We have had a similar situation in the past with FIL having triple heart bypass and MIL having stroke...we never knew. It was just dropped into conversation when we visited at christmas one year.

Certain family members knew but not us. But then dh was not close to his parents.
It's their prerogative.

jen127 · 11/04/2012 12:23

Stop and read what you have written ! Perhaps your sister anticipated what the reaction would be and that is why she asked her DH to keep her confidence.
This is not about you.
If this was my sister I would not be angry with her Dh but happy that he was being supportive.
It's not an ideal situation by any means but sometimes we don't need people with solutions from within the family - as they come with a scewed understanding of what the issues are.

MardyArsedMidlander · 11/04/2012 12:28

And he wouldn't be sacked if he did this in a professional capacity- in fact, as a professional he should be keeping confidentiality. And as her husband, he even more should be abiding by her wishes.
Just because she has a (diagnosed?) PD, does not give anyone the right to be privy to all her secrets.

Mrsjay · 11/04/2012 12:29

this isnt about you again i will repeat this isnt about YOU , there is no mention of sadness for your sister or worry just you bleating about about how you didnt know and a relative who could have helped , maybe your sister didnt want anybody to know it is her own private business and i think she has got her own problems going on without placating you and the Family , and her husband was doing what she wanted and if somebody is so distraught about something i wouldnt go telling anybody either ,

ImperialBlether · 11/04/2012 12:35

Ooh Bruxeur, that is very passive aggressive!

animula · 11/04/2012 12:41

Can I say that it's great you care? REading your post, I'm wondering if some of what you're feeling is worry that there aren't enough people around your sister looking out for her. I'm thinking of what you wrote about her husband being out of the house and working late most nights.

Is she pushing people away from her? People with depression can do that, I think. And maybe the insisting nobody be told might be part of that. I'd be worried about that - the fewer people who know, the fewer people who can be involved to try and intervene. But the problem is that it sounds like the pushing is coming from her. The problem then is that her husband, for the best reasons in the world, doesn't have his "counseller" hat on when dealing with her (quite rightly, really) but his partner hat on. And there is a fine line between acting to keep the lines of communication and trust open and in place - as a partner - and co-dependent/complicit behaviour.

Do you know if she is seeing a professional? that is, someone able to help who isn't bound to her in a professional role? it would be good if she told her GP - but I think it's not going to be possible for you to get her to do that if she has already pushed you to one side.

Again, I'll say that it's good that you take it seriously and care. Even if it is painful for you - and it is because you have clearly been put into a position (probably by your sister) of being a bit of a helpless, caring onlooker. That's a bad, really rather horrible, situation to be in.

animula · 11/04/2012 12:42

Sorry, that should have read "a professional ... someone who isn't bound to her in a personal role."

TheOriginalNutcracker · 11/04/2012 12:43

If she asked him not to tell, then he did exactly the right thing.

I took an overdose at 16, and asked my dad not to let my mum know, and he didn't. She still doesn't know and thats the way I want it.

Chilenachica · 11/04/2012 12:43

It's really diffucult, I would want to be informed if it was my sister but I would also be furious if it was me and my OH went against my wishes by telling people. Could be she isn't ready to deal with her issues, or her family in relation to this. And the fact that a siblings is a pyschologist could put someone off more rather than help.

I think you just have to accept that she didn't want the family to know and be there for her if she changes her mind on that.

I hope she can get the help she needs.

Original poster

Fanty · 11/04/2012 12:46

Id also be mad if somebody went against my wishes but she clearly needs intervention and support which she does not get. didnt expect to be told myself, just feel that somebody should have told my mum. We have always been really worried about her and have always pushed counselling, tolerated her totally extreme behaviour and feel pushed out and concerned that he wont make her get proper help as he has never been able to before now. He still hasnt even emptied the house of paracetamol etc. I am scared in case she does it again. Anyway thanks for your comments. Oh, and bruxeur, nothing wrong with my own mental health but yes my dad is very similar to her in these traits, maybe the reason she chose to lean on him...who knows.

OP posts:

MardyArsedMidlander · 11/04/2012 12:50

But NOBODY can make an adult get 'proper help'- unless she is sectioned. She will have been assessed at the hospital by professionals.
And I know it is scary- but it is not your BiL's fault- perhaps he is dealing with her the best way he can and allowing her as much autonomy as possible.
And counselling is not always recommended or useful for BPD.

lisaro · 11/04/2012 12:50

While I'm sad for the whole situation I have to ask what the poor chap can do right? Working? Yes, most of us have to, to pay the bills and eat. He also acceded to her wishes. By having a go at him you're making the whole situation many times worse.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 11/04/2012 12:51

You can't make someone get help, no matter how much you want them to. It has to come from them.

I am sorry that you're going through this though.

MrMiyagi · 11/04/2012 13:01

Poor man's going through enough, don't make it any worse for him OP. By the sounds of it, he's the only proper support your sister has, don't jepordise that.

Lulumama · 11/04/2012 13:22

you cannot make her seek help, she has to decide for herself.

if you find her behaviour and her reaction to that upsetting, you can either stop trying to persuade her or step away and accept that she can make her own choices, whether or not those choices sit well with you

FallenCaryatid · 11/04/2012 13:23

Maybe her husband feels that her family is part of the problem.

kitty4paws · 11/04/2012 13:40

Im on the other side of this, My DH has MH issues and his ( and my) family have been fantastically interferring.

It has caused nothing but distress for us as a couple,

you say she isnt getting the help she needs, how do you know ???

I have been accused of exactly the same but was actually following the preofessionaly recommended course of action.

She is your sister, but it is their marriage,

Mrbojangles1 · 11/04/2012 13:42

He was respecting her wishes if I were you I would be taking a hard look about why my own sister couldn't tell me she was so sad rather than deflecting yur anger on her oh

Of he had blabbed he could of been putting their marriage at risk and it seems Theri very fragile as it is

DinahMoHum · 11/04/2012 13:44

why furious, rather than concerned for her?

extremepie · 11/04/2012 13:45

I have been in a similar situation myself.

I took an overdose when I was pregnant with DS2. I told my sister and 1 or 2 friends, my DH knew because I phoned him after I did it but my parents still don't know (nearly 5 years on).

My sister has taken several overdoses, including one time where she phoned me about 2 in the morning, drunk and crying, and begged me not to tell my parents.

I can understand why you are upset, it's always an emotional subject where you are talking about family members who are so depressed they do something like that. I can only say that in my case I am very glad that none of the people I told have told anyone else that I didn't want to know.

I had good reasons why I didn't want to tell certain people and I'm guessing your sister does too. I also wanted to tell people myself when I was ready so maybe that is part of it, I can't really say!

I don't know anyone in a 'professional' job that could have helped me with it afterwards but honestly I think if I had I probably wouldn't have wanted to talk to them about it, like others have said they're probably too close to the situation.

As for leaving her on her own, well, I knew I had made a big mistake as soon as I had recovered and I knew that it was a mistake I would never
make again, maybe your sis felt the same?

Whatever happened with your sister before is in the past now, I hope you two are able to get back to being as close as you were :)

Mrsjay · 11/04/2012 13:46

i have had depression/anxiety in the past like a lot of people i didnt feel the need to share with my familiy as my familiy are of the sort either sort it or shush and get on with your life , not exactly the support a person with MH issues needs to hear , and i would be mortyfied if a familiy member who had experience tried to cure me , I think your sister is very fragile asked her husband to support her at a horrible time and maybe isnt strong enough to be fixed ,

porcamiseria · 11/04/2012 13:50

I am so sorry OP, so sorry

Why not focus on building bridges with her? I think thats the best thing you can do right now.

He did what he thought was right I think

and he DID tell her family, just not the sister she has fallen out with with!

the right focus now is NOT to be angry at him, but to send love her way xxx

Chilenachica · 11/04/2012 13:52

Fanty

Why do you feel that your mother should have been told?

Where I'm coming from is that in many cases where someone has issues, those issues are caused either by a parent's behaviour or neglect in terms of doing something about the other parent's behaviour. And many, many parents either can't or won't see what the route of the problem is.

I'm going to write something very personal to me, and this isn't trying to make it about me. When I started therapy the first sentence I said was as follows-

My mother never wanted to have children, I know this because the bitch told me so.

This is why having people who are emotionally involved isn't always a good thing. If you sister said something remotely similar when speaking the other sister, psychologist, any conversation afterwards would be highly emotionally charged.

It sounds like your sister definitely needs help, but neither you nor any other family member can force her to seek that help.

What I've said isn't meant to imply that your sister has issues with your mother per se, just that unless you are inside her head you cannot know her reasons for not informing family members.

Again, I hope she can get the help she needs and begin to get better.

MrMiyagi · 11/04/2012 13:56

DinahMoHum Because it's all about the OP. duh

callmemrs · 11/04/2012 13:58

erm - your sister's husband would be sacked from his professional role if he DID do what you are suggesting, and breached confidences, rather than respecting the wishes of the person who is central to all this.

You also seem to be attaching a lot of blame to the husband for the fact that he is WORKING and therefore not around 24/7.

This isn't about you. It's about your sister, and also about her husband, who has all the problems of being close to someone who is suicidal.

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