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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not care whether I have a baby boy or girl?

67 replies

QuintessentialQuaker · 10/04/2012 15:47

After three DS with this pregnancy all I have been asked is "are you hoping for a girl", "I bet you're excited at the prospect of having a girl", "surely it's your turn to have a girl now?" and other comments to that affect.

Why do people automatically assume we want a girl? Obviously it would be nice but so would four DSs. Sorry about the moan but it really got to me!

As a side though, have you had similar questions and if you have had two or more of one gender did you then want one of the other?

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 10/04/2012 17:11

I had this when pregnant with DC2 and DC3 all the trying for a boy comments and then all the commiserations about having another girl.

What I hated most of all was the looks of disappointment when I was holding DD3 a beautiful healthy baby a disappointment?!

We decided to have no 4 nowhere in ours minds did we think we would have a boy, we thought we only did girls. We had her names chosen and I could see myself with a gang of 4 girls. Of course he was a boy, part of me was so upset I didn't get my DD4.

He's almost 2 now and of course utterly adorable. It's nice in a way parenting a bit as he is so different to the girls.

But the comments do still get to me apparently we can stop trying now as we have our boy. One aunt always asks how's DS (by name) then and the girls. Oh and isn't DP happy he has his boy now. Hate it especially when said in front of the DDs.

Each child is a blessing and a unique little person and I don't care whats between its legs although 4 boys like DS would kill me Grin

exexe · 10/04/2012 17:12

I'm pregnant with dc3.
I have 2 ds and I'll admit that I really would love a girl. This pregnancy has been so different that a part of me is convinced that it must be a girl.I think I'll be a bit disappointed if it does turn out to be a boy but I know I'll get over it.

I will still love a baby boy with all my heart and there is no way that baby will ever think it was a disappointment to me.

exexe · 10/04/2012 17:13

Also I think I'll get a lot of 'sympathy' for having a 3rd boy. I got quite a bit when I had a 2nd! Hmm

sweetkitty · 10/04/2012 17:22

I think if you are going to be disappointed find put the sex, grieve for the child you didn't get then put it behind you and get on with preparing for your wonderful new baby.

It's funny how these threads always seem to be about women having two or more boys but wanting a girl. I look at my friend with 3 boys in awe but she tells me not all boys are typical boys like DS, she finds the girly shrieking in my house mad.

Original poster
QuintessentialQuaker · 10/04/2012 17:27

Thankfully there have been no comments so far in front of the DC as they are all old enough to understand. I'm already mentally preparing myself for the comments if we have another DS about how 'dissapointed' I will be Hmm

sweetkitty, just like you deep down I think it's going to be a boy and I'm automatically drawn towards boys clothes etc. It would be so lovely to have a gang of boys but then on the other hand it would be great to have a little girl. She would also be doted on by three big brothers!

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 10/04/2012 17:28

I am pregnant with our 1st and all i get is 'when are you going to find out?' 'we aren't' Look of horror, 'how will you know what to buy?' etc. Following day 'when are you finding out?' 'i bet you want a girl' etc

No one seems to comprehend we don't want to know! and we aren't bothered either way.

v. odd.

Original poster
QuintessentialQuaker · 10/04/2012 17:29

Spuddy the comment of 'I bet you want a girl' is something I just don't get? Why is it automatically assumed that women want girls?

OP posts:
splashymcsplash · 10/04/2012 17:38

It's one of the things that people say, no malice is intended. Generally, I think it is assumed that mums want daughters.

returnvisit · 10/04/2012 18:19

I have three dds and I get fed up too of the assumption that I want a ds. I will probably have another and everyone is already asking me if I will try for a boy. [sceptical]

Yanbu

bettybat · 10/04/2012 19:32

I'm pregnant with our first, but the total opposite to you Spuddybean Grin I just want to find out the sex because calling it It, or the fig just seems a bit rude.

I think in my heart of hearts, I am hankering after a girl but I don't know...my own brother is just such an awful person and been so pathologically vile to our mother for so many years now, I think it has coloured my view of mothers and little boys :(

I don't doubt I will just be very excited and happy to have a healthy baby - that the hankering for a girl will turn into disappointment. I equally felt a bit weird about a friend at work who was obsessed with having a boy and when she was with her first, it seemed like such a weird triumph.

bettybat · 10/04/2012 19:33

That was meant to be that the wanting a girl WON'T turn into disappointment if it's a boy!

woopsidaisy · 10/04/2012 19:41

My MIL told me with smug relish that SIL said "everyone wants girls really..."

SIL has two DDs, and I have two DSs.
Only for the fact that she is 99% lovely I would have told MIL to Feck off!Angry

Am expecting DC3, and my own mum and sis have made no secret of the fact that they want a girl.
Luckily the hospital doesn't revaeal the sex, and we couldn't see it ourselves,so everyone will have to wait until it is born.
One shred of negativity and WW3 will begin....

ReebleBauble · 10/04/2012 19:50

I have one DD and both DP and I ideally would like another 2 children. FIL has just announced that if the next child is a boy, he just cannot understand why we would want another child. Deadpan serious.

He already told the neighbours that they had obviously pushed their luck after having 'the perfect family' of one of each, they went and had 2 more girls.

This man places a lot of emphasis on male heirs. Even to the point that he's bought things like car seats and highchairs in manly blue because 'no future grandson of his will be seen dead in pink'. I pointed out that we would rather gender neutral things, but that did not compute. Talk about pressure!

forgossake · 10/04/2012 19:50

I think a lot of people assume that you would only have more than 2 dc if you were trying for the other gender!

I have 3 ds and my fourth was a dd. Throughout my pregnancy, we had all the usual comments and I refused to find out the sex on the basis that I didn't mind if it was a boy or girl. And quite a few people expressed sympathy when we said we thought it may be another boy. It really pissed me off as we actually weren't disappointed in the slightest! But dd was one hell of surprise.Shock

It is lovely to have a girl as its amazing seeing the difference between her and my boys. But baby boys are just so lovable and as boys grow up they can make you so feel so incredibly proud.

I nearly throttled the woman who told me 'she was sorry' whilst I proudly displayed my newborn ds3 up at the footie field. Its a good job he was too young to understand Angry

sweetkitty · 10/04/2012 19:51

It's just plain rude all these comments to a pregnant woman over something she has no control over ( the sex of the baby). People have such strong views.

It's usually family as well, one friend's MIL was forever going on about girls being horrid and when she announced she was pregnant with twins after IVF her MIL was so nasty about them being girls and that they had had better not be girls. Of course they were girls, now she has taken to favouring one over the other.

Strangers would say to me " oh you'll be praying for a boy" no I'm praying for a healthy alive baby thanks.

Grrrrrr people

McPhee · 10/04/2012 19:53

Well this is my first baby, and every sod I speak to asks me if I know what I'm having. Blimy, why are so many people obsessed Hmm

It gets right on my pip.

SofaKing · 10/04/2012 19:55

It is very rude to comment on the sex of someone else's baby. How does someone else know what you want anyway? All they know is what they think you want.

There is this obsession that a boy and a girl is the 'perfect' family and that is what everyone wants. When I phoned pil to say I was PG with dc3 mil said 'oh no!' I was gobsmacked and to be honest have found it a hard comment to forgive.

I was desparate for dc1 to be a DS because I just had the idea he was a boy and if he had been a girl I think it would have been difficult to adjust. Wasn't bothered with dc2, although I am glad now she is DD because I just can't imagine her being a boy. I wanted dc3 to be a girl because DD was a much easier baby than DS, but when I found out he was a boy I was thrilled, bizarrely. I was right thought, he too was a nightmare baby and is still a bad sleeper at one - he's a darling though!

MoonHare · 10/04/2012 19:56

I have 2 DDs and am pg with DC3. We didn't find out the gender in advance the last two times and won't this time. This time so far I have had comments from one relative and two of my friends along the lines of "I bet you're hoping for a boy" - Erm no, why would we be???

I love having the girls and if I'm honest had hoped for 2 girls as I have always wanted a sister myself. We are not in any way a girly pink type family.

We'd be delighted to have 3 the same and would be equally delighted to have a boy, just hoping for a healthy baby.

But this obsession others have that it's only possible to be happy with some kind of equal distribution of genders really irks me too and I feel it's almost a slight against my daughters.

Mind you the closest of the friends who said it has a boy (having said while pregnant that she had really wanted a girl) and will only be having one child so I did wonder if it was more about her and her feelings than about us. And maybe this is often the case with those who comment.

I have also found in all 3 pregnancies that everyone who decides to guess the sex is usually sure it's a boy! I suppose they'll be right 50% of the time but not in my case, so far.......?

exexe · 10/04/2012 20:22

I'm Asian and when I was about 6 months pregnant with ds1, I got chatting to two very middle class sisters. I couldn't believe it when one of them said 'I suppose you'll be wanting a boy then'
I really had to restrain myself while I smiled and gave my (pleasant) response.

thebody · 10/04/2012 21:15

People see a bump and it's like all taste, decency and manners go out of the window. I had 2 dsc and was actually desperate for a girl but that wS my secret and when anyone adked' I suppose u want a girl?' I would huffily deny it.

Ended up with 2 more girls so lucky

Just enjoy your pregnancy, smile and ignore and good luck.

Spuddybean · 10/04/2012 21:31

betty We are the opposite :) we don't want to find out the gender as we do not want to project a personality and name on it before we even meet it. We are happy calling it our sweet little names and i don't want to rush out of that stage.

Funny how we are coloured by our family. My sister found out what she was having and before they were born they had names, personalities, toys etc. I then felt she 'noticed' their predecided traits and exaggerated them as if to prove and cement the 'personality'.

I'm not saying everyone would do that, but we are just enjoying the not knowing and one of true surprises in life.

Also not knowing is staving off our mums going into purchase crap overdrive!

Beckyboo4 · 10/04/2012 21:31

I had 3 daughters before having a son and basically everyone assumes after 3 daughters you were only having another baby to get a boy. We never thought for a moment we would have a son and only picked out girls names but we were not fussed either way. We lost a daughter many years ago at 24 weeks pregnant and after that happened we only really wished for a healthy baby. When I announced I was pregnant with baby number 4 I felt obligated to inform people "I do not wish to hear anything negative about having 4 children as we are rather excited at the new addition making its way into our family" after a few people said negative things in front of me. One woman at work was asking if my house was big enough and were we getting a new car , could we afford another blah blah blah . I told the nosy parker "I think the word your looking for is congratulations" hahaha

Congratulations xxx

McKayz · 10/04/2012 21:33

I have 2 boys and got loads of comments about wanting this one to be a girl. Scans say it is a girl and so now I get lots of comments about how unfair it is on the boys Confused

You can't win.

sweetkitty · 10/04/2012 21:38

Beckyboo Grin to a son after 3 daughters, I lost a baby I between DD2 and 3 and we thought at one point we were losing her too so wanted to punch anyone who said we were disappointed with a DD.

Also had one "friend" console me that maybe I couldn't carry boys and that the baby I lost was a boy Sad

sweetkitty · 10/04/2012 21:42

McKayz think I know you Grin love the new name Grin

I got that too your poor DS having 3 sisters.

My friend who had one of each got asked constantly when pregnant with no3 was it an accident as she already had one of each why did she want a third?

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