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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get peed off with people commenting on the age gap between my DC!

47 replies

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 10/04/2012 15:16

I don't know why people feel the need to pass comment, age gaps are such a personal thing aren't they? DD1 is 14, DD2 is 8 and DS is 3. Yes the age gaps are big and yes there are reasons for this but I don't know why people expect me to expain and justify the age gaps.

Paying in a supermarket recently, the cashier asked how old they all were and started saying 'blimey they are big age gaps aren't they? did you decide 'no more' after each one and then change your mind?' I said in reply 'I am perfectly happy with my choice of age gaps, thanks'

Then yesterday I rang a local photo studio to book a photo shoot for all 3, and the man asked their ages and again said 'You've spaced them out haven't you? Why are they all spaced out in age like that?' and was quite huffy for some reason. I said again 'I'm very happy with my choice of age gaps, thanks'

I really don't know why people feel the need to comment; my sister has 2 children 18 months apart and she says she gets comments all the time about them being too close together.

OP posts:

LittleMissGoodEnough · 10/04/2012 15:18

YABU

It is slightly unusual. People comment on things that are slightly unusual. Or maybe they are just trying to make conversation. How very dare they?

(PS very sensible to get one up to babysitting age as soon as possible though!)

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 10/04/2012 15:20

I dont' think it's anyone's business as to why they are spaced out though; making conversation is one thing, asking why there is a gap is bloody nosey and rude IMO

OP posts:

harassedandherbug · 10/04/2012 15:22

I feel your pain, ds1 is 22, ds2 is 22, dd is 5 and ds3 is 14wks. I get asked at if the youngest two were accidents....but no, both planned and v much wanted!

I now have skin like a rhino and figure its better they talk about me who couldn't care less, than someone who does!

NoFoodwithaFace · 10/04/2012 15:22

I've got a 7mo DS, me and DP are 21 and had he been planned it wouldnt if been till we were 30! which is when the next one will be! I worry about what people will think of the age gap, that they'll assume they have different dads!

MrsCampbellBlack · 10/04/2012 15:23

Its just people making small talk really. I have smaller gaps and people comment on that.

vigglewiggle · 10/04/2012 15:24

I can't believe you had your first child 14 years ago and are only now coming to terms with the fact that people feel qualified to comment on every parenting decision you make.

You've done well to make it so far!

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 10/04/2012 15:24

Like I said, I don't mind the small talk, it's the nosey questions and assumptions I don't like. Just because I don't match up to the '2 children 2 years apart' ideal some seem to have it doesn't make me some kind of freak, which is what I feel some people think when I say what age gaps we have.

OP posts:

2teens2tots · 10/04/2012 15:24

Mine are 18,15,5 and 3 I get the same comments and also the assumption that they have different fathers !

Devora · 10/04/2012 15:26

You're right, but people do just love to comment on anything, don't they? And it could be worse: my gran had dc 23 years apart! Mine are only 4 years apart but one is white and one is black and I (and worse, they) get questioned/challenged about that all the ruddy time.

Pseudo341 · 10/04/2012 15:26

People are just trying to make small talk. I can barely leave the house without someone asking what's wrong with me (I have walking sticks or a wheelchair whenever I'm out), it clearly never occurs to anyone that it might be none of their business. If I don't feel like discussing it I just say "it's just the way I am", people rarely push. I think with your children "it's just the way it is" will work perfectly well to give people the brush off. Yes it is nosy and potentially rude but trying to make small talk is a minefield, you never know what might offend someone. These people clearly don't mean to upset you, life's too short to let it get to you.

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 10/04/2012 15:29

I wouldn't say it gets to me Pseudo, not in such a way that it makes me upset. I just find it annoying. I think that it is a raw nerve with me to be fair, as I would have liked smaller age gaps especially between the 2 little ones but it just didn't turn out that way for us. Perhaps I should give them blow by blow accounts of DH having to hand in sperm samples for analysis at the doctors in our quest for a smaller age gap, that'd learn them

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 10/04/2012 15:30

I have planned large age gaps (4yrs +) because of my own medical problems, if i had children close together i probably would be in a wheelchair for life.

So YANBU, the cheeky sod had no right or reason to go further with his 'how old are they all' question.

The only thing i say when i know someone has children very close together, is ' wow, i don't know how you manage' ( in an admiring tone ).

I don't assume much about people who have large age gaps because of my own choices.

gobbledegook1 · 10/04/2012 15:30

Just trying to make friendly conversation other than discussing the weather perhaps?

I personally wouldn't say they were huge gaps, my children have similar age gap to yours (8 & 3) and I think its quite a nice gap as the older one is/was old enough to help out and be involved with the younger one but then their are 10 & 13 years between me and my sisters, I was however unintended and if it had solely been down to my Mum I would not be here now.

usualsuspect · 10/04/2012 15:31

I've got big age gaps between mine , A favorite question was 'have they all got the same dad' nosy feckers

eosmum · 10/04/2012 15:32

I have 3 DCs, DD1 19, DD2 15 and DS 5, and I have never ever had any comment made on the age gap.

Schmokeandapancake · 10/04/2012 15:34

I would just make up something in reponse and use it every time, can't stand it when people don't think before they open their mouths - yes it is seen as small talk but have some tact!!!

I have lost count of the amount of people that have asked me when I would like another (I have one who is 2). My response is (depending on how brave/angry I am feeling at the particular time) well, I would very much like another, in fact, I would have had 2 more by now if I hadn't miscarried.....usually stops them in their tracks.

Sorry to hijack your thread, but I am sick of it! I totally get where you are coming from.

But, like someone else upthread said, I think a thick skin is needed - in fact they should be dished out with your Bounty pack when you leave the hospital...

Moominsarescary · 10/04/2012 15:35

My age gaps are 17, 9 and 1. People don't realy comment, although it seems people I know in passing don't realise I have ds1.

No wonder people look at me gone out when I say my eldest is babysitting.

Kayano · 10/04/2012 15:36

I know someone who had big age gaps like that and someone had asked if it was because they were all with different dads!!!

No they weren't! I was when she told me that

NowWeKnow · 10/04/2012 15:38

They're just making conversation. I doubt they really want the details or are that interested.

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 10/04/2012 15:43

Why do they ask the, NowWeKnow? That's what baffles me

OP posts:

Ineedalife · 10/04/2012 15:43

Mine are 23, 16 and 9. People who dont know us well often comment on the gap. As there is 7 years almost to the day between Dd1 and 2 and the same between Dd2 and 3 I normally say that it was perfect planning.

puds11 · 10/04/2012 15:46

Just polietly say ' i had shit to do inbetween' doesnt really invite questioning

oldmum42 · 10/04/2012 15:47

Mine are 18,17,15 and 1........ no comments about the age but plenty about the sex (all boys).

WibblyBibble · 10/04/2012 15:49

Well, mine have a big age gap and they do have different dads, but I still don't think this entitles anyone to be a cunt about it. Throughout history children in the same family have had different fathers due to death of a parent as well as relationship breakdown. I don't see why people feel the need to be arseholes about perfectly normal family structures, or why people feel the need to constantly go on about children having different biological parents as though it was somehow important or relevant to anything other than whether they are likely to be good bone-marrow/organ donors to each other (hint: this is not a good reason to have children).

ithaka · 10/04/2012 15:50

YANBU - it is presumptious and could be hurtful. We have an age gap because our middle child died. I don't wish to share this raw tragedy in a casual conversation. Perhaps because of our circumstances, I try to avoid personal remarks to strangers, it isn't hard.

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