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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex should take better care of DS

28 replies

JustOneMoreQuestion · 10/04/2012 12:17

DS (4) has eczema. It flares up every now and then, we haven't discovered yet what it is that sets it off, we've tried removing things from his diet and changing wash powder etc, but haven't been able to pinpoint a trigger.
Usually easily managed with daily oils, special shower gel and creams, with a 'magic' steroid cream for when it gets bad.

Ex has DS overnight two nights a week. I have been providing ex with the creams DS gets on prescription, as, despite having the doctor's contact details given to me on at least three occasions, ex has never bothered his arse to obtain the stuff he needs to care for DS adequately.

The last time ex took him away to stay with his family for 4 days (an hour away), DS came back with really sore looking blisters on his skin, his eczema had flared up worse than I had EVER seen on anyone, it was horrendous. I asked what ex had put on it, and he showed me a Lipsyl. A FUCKING perfumed chapstick! For FOUR days.
I was speechless, and ex left hurriedly so I didn't really have my say at the time (didn't want to vent my spleen in front of DS anyway, so probably good that I was speechless for a change!) though I did text him and tell him he needed to ensure DS has everything he needs whilst in his Dad's care.
Ex contacted me to say he had been online to order all DS's prescriptions. He has taken DS to stay with his family again, and has just text me telling me how bad his skin is. Turns out ex hasn't taken DS's creams again.

WIBU to refuse to let DS go to stay with ex's family again if he brings him home with bad skin this time? I have asked him to bring DS home if his skin is bad and he has no treatment there.
Anytime I say anything about his care of DS, he just says I'm "playing the 'shit dad' card again, looking for sympathy from the next man I want to jump into bed with, playing the victim. Yawn"

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 10/04/2012 12:20

Denying medical treatment is a form of child abuse. Might be worth pointing that out to your existing...

Marilyn1980 · 10/04/2012 12:24

it's not exactly hard to go to a chemist and buy some diprobase or similar over the counter that would do until he got home. Tell him to go and do this and if he won't then I would re-assess whether he is a suitable carer for your son.

Kayano · 10/04/2012 12:25

Is it denying or forgetting?

Either way poor DS

Original poster
JustOneMoreQuestion · 10/04/2012 12:31

I wish I had taken photos the last time he brought him back with sores. I really couldn't believe it.
It isn't forgetting, Kayano. When ex goes to see his family, it's more about getting drunk with them than actually doing anything with DS, though he insist DS goes with him to see everyone who hasn't seen him in months.

I have told him to bring DS home if his skin is bad and ex has no treatment. He now says he has his E45 cream, which isn't any good if he has flared up, it's more prevention than cure.

OP posts:
OddBoots · 10/04/2012 12:33

Denying and forgetting are the same thing when it comes to a child's health. If he forgot the creams there are ways to access more but it means putting bit of effort (and money) in.

PurplePidjin · 10/04/2012 12:54

Forgetting implies he missed one, but gave the next lot as usual. No one could call that abuse and we've all done it.

This is far more than that, the exp is blatantly disregarding medical advice. That and the drunkenness when in charge of ds is definitely heading towards unfit.

I'm not suggesting you call police, ss etc, OP. Just use some scary language on your ex in the hope it kicks his arse into gear. If you think he deserves the chance. I don't think anyone could argue if you denied overnight contact though!

twoistwiceasfun · 10/04/2012 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pseudo341 · 10/04/2012 15:16

Take DS straight to the doctor as soon as he gets back so that you have a record of his condition. I think you might be pushing it a bit far to refuse to let him have DS stay again after what is only a second offence, but you could make it clear that that is what will happen if he continues to fail to care for his son properly.

Redwinekeepsmesane · 10/04/2012 15:21

My ds is 9 now and has echezma for 7 years now.when he goes to ex I pack up every cream and write a list of when and where it needs appliing. I then text him to make sure it's done. Yes I am treating ex like a child but my least my ds comes back happy.

Btw...latest cream trying is hydromol ointment...best have had in ages...hth.

LineRunner · 10/04/2012 15:30

To allow eczema to become that bad is neglectful, and it is probably extremely painful for your child.

(Btw, E45 is crap for eczema. Diprobase and doublebase are very good, though.)

gobbledegook1 · 10/04/2012 15:49

YANBU.

Marilyn1980 · 10/04/2012 15:53

redwine, we use hydromol when dd is bad, amazing stuff. diprobase is what we use when she's a bit dry. Luckily for us hers only flares up when she's had dairy so we rarely need to do the intensive treatment anymore.

AdelaideAussie · 10/04/2012 15:56

You may not want to do this and in an ideal world you shouldn't have to but for the good of your DC why not send a friendly reminder half way through contact?

Original poster
JustOneMoreQuestion · 10/04/2012 16:28

Thanks to all for your responses. We have hydromol cream as his daily cream. It doesn't really do much when it's bad, it's for prevention, but the fucidin/fucibet works overnight.
E45 was doing nothing, so the doc prescribed hydromol instead ages ago, so I don't understand why ex has E45 at all, unless he's robbed it off his sister (who they are staying with) who also has eczema.
I wrote my own contract agreement with the help of my Child Protection SW friend, who writes them on a daily basis. In it I have stipulated that any medication DS requires is given when required.
A friendly reminder halfway through contact isn't going to be any good if he hasn't taken the creams away with him, which was the case last time, and I think this time too.

marilyn did it take you long to figure out what the trigger was? How long did it take for a reaction to take place after dairy was consumed?

OP posts:
flibbertywidget · 10/04/2012 16:38

Poor little soul. I would be fuming, rightly. Irrespective of who was looking after my DC and they didn't provide medication they needed.

Could stress be a trigger? my brother has had it bad all his life. feel for you xx

Original poster
JustOneMoreQuestion · 10/04/2012 17:14

flibberty I HOPE stress isn't a factor, I'd be gutted if I thought my lovely wee boy was feeling stressed about anything, but I will bear it in mind for future flare ups, thanks.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 10/04/2012 17:16

I have exactly the same problem. In the end my very lovely doctor prescribed me double doses of all the creams my dd needed. When mine run out I get a repeat precription for us both.

zookeeper · 10/04/2012 17:19

I would also suggest taking before and after pics (you can do it at bathtime so your ds has no idea what you're doing) and begin to say to your ds that he should have the cream every day so that (hopefully)he will end up reminding his dad he needs it.

zookeeper · 10/04/2012 17:20

E45 exacerbated my dd's excema

topshelfrita · 10/04/2012 17:22

YADNBU -- he IS a shit dad.

noteventhebestdrummer · 10/04/2012 17:26

Could you ask your DS's aunt to help if they stay with her often? Post her a batch of creams to keep there? You shouldn't have to, I know.

splashymcsplash · 10/04/2012 17:30

YANBU

Do you give him the creams? He sounds rather unorganised, so a perhaps as someone else suggested, you could just pack all of DS's creams in his bag, with written instructions. That way he wouldn't be able to forget them!

If you are relying on him to pick up prescriptions, then clearly it isn't working!

WilsonFrickett · 10/04/2012 17:32

YANBU, in fact I'm amazed that you're able to respond calmly on here - I would be incandescent with rage. It's just not on, is it? Just take the meds with you Angry

As to what you do about it - have you spoken to your SW friend? If DS comes back bad again I would go to the GP or at the very least take photos. Is there a way of sending an official letter, for example, that would state clearly 'twice this has happened, three strikes and we will have to review contact agreement' - could a solicitor send this? (don't know but maybe post in legal too?)

And actually noteven's suggestion of getting in touch with the aunt isn't a bad one, although agree you shouldn't have to...

Rosmarin · 10/04/2012 17:47

It could be environmental triggers (dust, smoke, washing powder) or it could be stress. I imagine there's a certain level of stress with the change of carer (for just a couple of days here and there, especially as his Dad has taken him away from the area). Poor little guy.

Do you use dermol as a soap substitute? I've found it's the only option for me now. Eczema is horrible and can get infected as you know so your ex needs to make it top priority, apart from the fact that it's bloody painful if it gets bad. Poor little guy! I would make it clear to your ex that until he is able to care for DS's ezcema he won't be taking him for visits away. If he's normally fine overnight that's a different thing entirely as he's close to home, I presume.

Good luck.

4aminsomniac · 10/04/2012 18:25

Also had a son with bad excema, and an ex who couldn't be bothered to care for him adequately. Not the only answer obviously, but I always cut DS's finger nails before he went off with his Dad to reduce scratching. Nail cutting is obviously something that you need a uterus to be able to perform ...