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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

more of an advice request rather than AIBU? (sorry a long one!)

43 replies

whatthebloodyhelldoI · 09/04/2012 23:44

name changed as this is AngrySadShock......but really need some good advice

I have a 17 year old son who started 6th form this year. Until half term, everything was going great; getting good grades in assignments/homework, volunteering for open evenings and it seemed like he was loving it then he got in with some new friends.....

since then he misses lessons, tried to drop a subject, got caught shop lifting, has stole from me on more than one occasion, started smoking (despite always being very against it)

he has always been very good at saying what the listener wants to hear (if the seed is planted) and as such his grandparents are convinced he is depressed (after they suggested it to him!, but I have arranged an appointment with CAHMS for next month through the GP), tells me one story, DH another (for some reason he seems to think we don't talk to each other!) and is general is throwing his life away

we had seemed to come to a compromise and things at home weren't so bad this last 2 weeks. Then today, he went to his 'friend's' house and wanted to stay over. I told him no, I whilst he was living under my roof, he was never stopping there as when ever he has gone there, then everything 'kicks off' at home (either arguments, stealing, lying or something). He seemed to take this ok......then a £10 note went missing from the kitchen and the only person who could have taken it is him - he denys it (of course!) and I did search his room Blush and I can not find anything. I have just noticed that another £5 note has gone missing from a change jar we have, but again, can not prove anything.

My gut is telling me drugs and I will be honest - I am staying awake so I can get hold of his phone when he falls asleep.....what do I do/how do I handle this???

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/04/2012 23:48

It's a tough one really Sad

But as cigarettes are something like £7 a pack of 20, I wouldn't jumpt to the drugs conclusion unless he's been showing some other signs?

That's not helpful I know, but I don't know what to suggest.

He seems a little old for you to tell him whose house he can sleep round though...I can't see that ending well.

MrsKittyFane · 09/04/2012 23:52

Yes, my instincts would say the same. :(
Money for drink/ drugs/ partying whatever, he is stealing so take the opportunity away from him. Keep no money in the house. Put your cards away where he can't get them.
Now that your suspicions have been raised watch him for a few weeks and try and work out a pattern in his behaviour.
No harm talking to him about college, missed lessons etc. But wouldn't confront about drugs yet. He'd probably deny it ATM.

MrsKittyFane · 09/04/2012 23:54

And agree, £7 for cigarettes, £10 for a bit of booze... It adds up.

squeakytoy · 09/04/2012 23:55

He is 17, what money does he have? Does he have a part time job?

I am not saying that his behaviour is great. It isnt, but it is also fairly typical of a teenager too.

At 17, if I wanted to sleep at a friends, I did, there was no need to ask permission from my parents... but I was also working and could fund my own smoking habit, drinking habit, and run a car too.

Original poster
whatthebloodyhelldoI · 09/04/2012 23:55

I know that at his age I can not control what he does, but as I said - whenever he spends time with this friend; especially sleeping there, something goes wrong be it stealing, lying, arguments etc.

My mum originally put it down to maybe he could smoke, do what ever he wanted in this house, whereas at home he can't.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/04/2012 23:57

My gut is telling me drugs and I will be honest - I am staying awake so I can get hold of his phone when he falls asleep.....what do I do/how do I handle this???

For a start you need to try treating him more like the adult that he practically is, and not a 12 year old!! Waiting for him to fall asleep so you can snoop through his phone? What on earth do you expect to find on it? He is hardly going to have a drug dealer sending him texts asking if he would like a wrap of coke!!

Original poster
whatthebloodyhelldoI · 10/04/2012 00:00

he doesn't have a job- he hasn't really tried ( I have applied for him!). I thin we have given him too much, e.g. phone on contract (which he has lost), driving lessons, a car (although we have stopped paying the insurance now due to his behaviour and attitude).

We always told him that if he was in education we would fund it but not if he was not trying/sitting on his backside

I know it is fairly typical of a teenager, but I am at my wits end; college has told him that unless he pulls out good results in the summer he can not re-enroll there for any course due to his attendance and attitude, but it doesn't seemed to have sunk in....he is still not putting the work in

OP posts:
OhTheConfusion · 10/04/2012 00:02

What a horrid situation :(

Have you spoken to the school? They may be able to shed a little light on the situatuation regarding a change in friends, attendance, attitude etc. They can also help with general advice on drugs, teen depression etc.

That said I can see (DH teaches 6th form) that a lot of teenagers like to pull the 'depression' card. They know how to push your buttons and will do or say anything to get out of trouble.

With regards to the money, could you scare him and threaten to call the police as you suspect the 'cleaner, delivery man, visitor' etc of stealing from you. But, like Worra say's cigarettes are expensive, does your ds have a pt job, recieve pocket money etc?

Original poster
whatthebloodyhelldoI · 10/04/2012 00:02

squeaky - I understand what you are saying, but he is acting like a 12 year old at the moment and not an adult....I don't know what I expect to find on his phone, but I am going to pieces wondering what is going on and need to find out

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 10/04/2012 00:03

have you asked him if he is using drugs or drinking? this will only work if you know when he is lying

squeakytoy · 10/04/2012 00:03

Maybe he would be better off looking for a job. Not all people are cut out for academics.

Does he feel pushed into being at college? Is it what he really wanted to do?

I think the problem you have is that he has been spoilt, and is also being treated like a much younger child too.

If he wants to run a car, he should be working (by applying himself, not having Mummy do it for him!) and forking out for it himself.

If he wants to go out with his mates, ditto.

If he wants a phone... again ditto.

He needs preparing for the big bad world. Let him go.. but keep your purse hidden, and dont leave money lying around the house.

OhTheConfusion · 10/04/2012 00:03

Sorry cross post.

Original poster
whatthebloodyhelldoI · 10/04/2012 00:04

he has never wanted for money or anything as we always gave him an allowance, paid for his clothes, hobbies, bus pass etc.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/04/2012 00:04

Can you smell cannabis on him?

I think you should go by your gut instinct. I agree with squeakytoy that you shouldn't go through his phone, but I think this is purely because there won't be anything on it. I would, however, search his room and I don't care who disagrees with me! If drugs are involved, I'd rather know.

I'm an A level teacher. If a parent came to me, worried about their teenager, I'd do everything I could to help. It works much better if the teachers and the parents are working together.

If his friends are at sixth form, it's highly likely they won't be kept on for the second year if they are trouble. This is particularly the case if the school/college doesn't know them from age 11.

The shoplifting is worrying - that sounds like a complete change of character to me. What was he stealing? What were the consequences (from the police/shop and from you) of that?

ImperialBlether · 10/04/2012 00:05

I don't agree that you have caused the problem by giving him too much. No way should you accept the blame for that. You've done what thousands of people do or want to do for their children. You are not to blame.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 00:06

I think you're right, you have given him too much

Why would he want a job when he doesn't actually need a job?

I hate to say it but as you're not stumping up everything for him anymore, he obviously feels he has the right to just take it.

I agree with Squeaky...going through his phone like he's 11 or 12yrs old is not on and totally pointless.

I don't know what else you can do if he's been spoilt for so long....maybe a 'shape up or ship out' attitude is all you can do now?

squeakytoy · 10/04/2012 00:06

He is acting like a 12yo, because when he was 12 he probably had you wrapped around his little finger. I dont mean it harshly, but having 3 stepchildren who lived with me from their early teens, I know what hell it is having a 17 year old with attitude, who wants their own way, but isnt prepared to earn it.

Tough love is called for, but so is saying "get on with it, but dont expect us to fund it".

Original poster
whatthebloodyhelldoI · 10/04/2012 00:09

easier said than done though squeaky! My dh and I have never argued so much as we are doing at the moment. I don't want him to throw his life away for the sake of 12 months of 'fun' and I am heart broken that this seems to be the way it is going.

He wanted to go to this college and I gave him free choice of courses etc (i.e. A levels, apprenticeship,BTEC); he didn't realise the amount of work needed and thought he could breeze through it like at school which is a major part of the problem. I do blame most of it on these new 'friends' as he is a sheep and will follow rather than stand firm on his own beliefs.

he is not the person I know anymore and all this has happened within 6 months

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 00:10

he has never wanted for money or anything as we always gave him an allowance, paid for his clothes, hobbies, bus pass etc

'He/she has never wanted for anything' are words I hear time and time again from parents in despair over their wayward teens.

I've sat holding my neighbour as her son was arrested and she said those exact words and I've seen them typed time and time again on forums by parents whose sons/daughters are out of control.

I just wish people would realise that 'wanting for things' is not the anti christ....it's actually what motivates kids to do well for themselves.

squeakytoy · 10/04/2012 00:13

They do change a lot at this age. It is almost inevitable. Trying to tell a teen who he can and cant be mates with is absolutely impossible though. You cannot enforce those sort of rules on a 17yo.

You have to make sure you are on the same level as your husband, and that your son knows he cannot play you off against each other.

OhTheConfusion · 10/04/2012 00:14

What the, it has been asked but have you spoken to the school? They are there to help and want parents to work with them. If you can explain that he is a good lad and the change has came about suddenly then there is more chance of getting him back on track.

Did the police get involved with shoplifting?

Original poster
whatthebloodyhelldoI · 10/04/2012 00:16

I know Worra and I have not spoiled him in the true sense; he has been told no on numerous occasions; but I am guilty of funding his phone, laptop, hobbies ensuring he always has the correct equipment for school/college/sport. We only funded one school trip abroad (despite the pleading for the expensive ones!)

I never thought I would be facing this....

The consequences from the shop lifting (which I only found out about by accident) was a fixed penalty fine

OP posts:
Original poster
whatthebloodyhelldoI · 10/04/2012 00:18

College has been very helpful since he started going off the rails, but no matter what support they have put in place, promise made etc the parents evening 2 weeks ago made it very clear; either get good grade, attendance significantly improved or he is out

OP posts:
startail · 10/04/2012 00:20

Personally I would snoop, phone, Emails, pockets when you do the laundry.
I know my parents would have done, DD1 is younger (14), but she wouldn't expect mum not to know her business.

It's all very well people saying teens should be treated as adults and get a job, but a few hours work at min wage is probably not worth the driving mine about.

LithaR · 10/04/2012 00:23

Snooping through his phone would likely destroy any trust he has with you and will likely push him further towards his mates that respect him.

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