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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

more of an advice request rather than AIBU? (sorry a long one!)

43 replies

whatthebloodyhelldoI · 09/04/2012 23:44

name changed as this is ......but really need some good advice

I have a 17 year old son who started 6th form this year. Until half term, everything was going great; getting good grades in assignments/homework, volunteering for open evenings and it seemed like he was loving it then he got in with some new friends.....

since then he misses lessons, tried to drop a subject, got caught shop lifting, has stole from me on more than one occasion, started smoking (despite always being very against it)

he has always been very good at saying what the listener wants to hear (if the seed is planted) and as such his grandparents are convinced he is depressed (after they suggested it to him!, but I have arranged an appointment with CAHMS for next month through the GP), tells me one story, DH another (for some reason he seems to think we don't talk to each other!) and is general is throwing his life away

we had seemed to come to a compromise and things at home weren't so bad this last 2 weeks. Then today, he went to his 'friend's' house and wanted to stay over. I told him no, I whilst he was living under my roof, he was never stopping there as when ever he has gone there, then everything 'kicks off' at home (either arguments, stealing, lying or something). He seemed to take this ok......then a £10 note went missing from the kitchen and the only person who could have taken it is him - he denys it (of course!) and I did search his room and I can not find anything. I have just noticed that another £5 note has gone missing from a change jar we have, but again, can not prove anything.

My gut is telling me drugs and I will be honest - I am staying awake so I can get hold of his phone when he falls asleep.....what do I do/how do I handle this???

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 10/04/2012 00:23

Personally I would snoop, phone, Emails, pockets when you do the laundry.

he is 17!!! he is entitled to a degree of privacy.. if my mother had "snooped" on me when I was 17, I would have packed my bags and left.. flatshares are not hard to find, and neither are jobs if you are determined enough..

It's all very well people saying teens should be treated as adults and get a job, but a few hours work at min wage is probably not worth the driving mine about

Why would you drive them about? Do they have some sort of inability to use public transport, ride a bike, walk or learn to drive themselves?

No wonder we have a generation that has so many people who are completely reliant on others to support them..

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 00:23

It's all very well people saying teens should be treated as adults and get a job, but a few hours work at min wage is probably not worth the driving mine about

Driving them about??

SundaeGirl · 10/04/2012 00:24

I keep reading these threads and wondering why parents are going along with the 'college' thing when their teens aren't going?

Surely it would be better to encourage them to earn money and learn about work and get some independence and structure? College will still be there in a few years time.

[no teenagers of my own emoticon]

OhTheConfusion · 10/04/2012 00:25

I really feel for you OP but it's time to get tough. Snoop, threaten the police etc. He will thank you in the long run as jobs are thin on the ground for hard working teens/adults let alone lazy ones.

You and your DH need to be singing from the same sheet too... it's amazing how many arguments kids can cause :(

PeelingBells · 10/04/2012 00:30

Its great - and I think it should be a given-that you have allowed him to apply for any college course-but I wonder if some independent professional guidance about his next steps might help him to get more excited and inspired about the possibilities for his future. (not just from his teachers or the school career advisor if they are duff)

I think that applying for jobs on his behalf (if you don't mind me saying) is a very bad move even though it sounds like working might do him the absolute world of good in terms of developing the responsibility and sense of autonomy that seems to be lacking.

I'm sure you are but try and be understanding about how severe peer pressure can be. You might see him as just being like a sheep but the pressure from peers can be horrendous and it might be helpful if he knows you can really empathise about this. I know every situation is totally individual but my parents were "chilled" when I dropped an A level, and were fairly relaxed about drugs and drink and so the result for me was that I was pretty square and realised that it was up to me to take responsibility for my actions. It took me ages to get a job in my year out, I wrote loads and loads of applications to random places but learnt more than I ever could than by my mum getting a job for me.

just some thoughts please ignore them if you think they are bollocks.

good luck though these years really aren't easy.

Original poster

whatthebloodyhelldoI · 10/04/2012 00:31

DH and I are on the same wave length in many respects about him - although he wants to do a tougher stance than I want...which I now is not helpful to DS but, I still want to protect him/help him/support him and although I was strong willed enough (finally!) to block his phone as its on my contract, I still can not cut all ties and just sit back and watch him through his life away

OP posts:

Snakeonaplane · 10/04/2012 00:31

I haven't really got much advice and you must be desperately worried about him but I just wanted to say that I'm a bit that your 17 year old 1) asks permission to stay out and that 2) you decline. 17 is pretty old you know technically he could be at university or have moved out.

The stealing is absolutely out of order though.

PeelingBells · 10/04/2012 00:33

agree that college will still be there in a few years and that young adults should NOT be driven to their jobs. I biked over the border for 12 miles each way to do a shitty job when I was 17, toughened me up and slimmed me up.

squeakytoy · 10/04/2012 00:35

Sometimes you do have to let them make their own mistakes. It isnt always a mistake though, and although it may not be what you want for him, he has to be able to learn from his own fuck-ups... otherwise he will never grow up properly and take responsibility for his actions.

None of my 3 went to college. All 3 are in their mid twenties and 2 of them with very good jobs that they have worked very hard in. 1 went wayward at 18 but is now a very good mother to her child, and is looking for work now her child is old enough to go into nursery.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 00:36

I feel really sorry for 16yr olds nowadays who just want to get out and earn a living.

When I was that age, it was totally the norm...but now it's all further education or qualifications coming out of your ears just to serve fast food.

Not everyone wants to stay in further education, yet many are forced to.

Snakeonaplane · 10/04/2012 00:40

I completely agree with squeaky. It might not be what you had planned for him but he needs to choose his own path, if he has had a happy childhood and good role models he will find his way in the end.

With regards to drugs etc a lot of teens his age dabble it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to end up self destruction.

Lay down so e clear boundaries for him ie either collage or he gets a job and pays his way and stealing is a no no.

Original poster

whatthebloodyhelldoI · 10/04/2012 00:49

I understand what you are saying snake about letting him choose his own path - but to sit here and let him do it is harder than anything I could have imagined

OP posts:

Snakeonaplane · 10/04/2012 00:54

Completely, letting our children make mistakes is the hardest thing about being a parent but sometimes they have to make little ones to avoid bigger ones and if you can maintain a good relationship with him through it, it will pay off in the end. Doesn't mean it's easy though.

Rachloui · 10/04/2012 01:20

I was a similar teenager, just 10 years ago!!
Straight As at school and then hit mid-A-levels and bang.
I never smoked, but at 17 I went out into town, bus, clubs, i drank in bars as opposed to street corners.
My grades did slump as did my attendance.
Basically it was a blow out after being perfect for so long.
I never took drugs or became promiscuous, though i know my parents though that I must be because of my behaviour/attitude
The change came when i got a job.
I was a bit more fussy about where I spent my money once it was MY money.
I went out less and saved up, making plans for the future..travel, uni etc.
Grades improved as I began to set my sights higher for the future.

So.....my advice would be, cut the money out. If you have to hide change jars then do it. Say he has to take a packed lunch to college.

Give him the benefit of the doubt and respect that he is becoming a man.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion of drugs straight away.

Also all of us tearaways who did this now have excellent jobs, some are doctors, teachers, police-officers. Not one has descended into the gutter.

Teen years are for changing, for testing our families, etc.

Original poster

whatthebloodyhelldoI · 10/04/2012 01:29

thanks for that Rach!

i have gone through his phone there is nothing on there, to the point that there is nothing on there...not even an Hi between him and any of his mates, just a bbm from tonight from his girlfriend

I know I have to step back.......its going to take a lot of will power though

OP posts:

Rachloui · 10/04/2012 01:33

what the pahaha I think he sussed what you were going to do!?? lol. He's not daft then. :-P

You won't step back fully, because you can't, he lives with you!! Maybe just tell him, you're worried, you're thnkig the worst, but you're going to trust him and hope that he makes the right decisions. its amazing what a bit of reverse psychology can do.
Good luck x

namechangingagain · 10/04/2012 01:36

I was going to write a post - but rachloui beat me to it, word for word (are you me?).

He is clearing his phone history.

All you can do is cut off his funding if he isn't attending college.

The conversation goes - I can't tell you what to do - I can only tell you what I will do and what I am prepared to pay for - and if you aren't going to college - that's nothing.

He doesn't need to "ask" at 17.

IloveJudgeJudy · 10/04/2012 01:39

I alsd have a 17 yo DS. However, he has always had a job - paper round, football referee, working in a shop. He has of necessity had to fund quite a bit of his own stuff. It has taught him the value of quite a lot of stuff. A lot of his friends have had a rude awakening recently as their parents have hit hard times and can't fund everything any more.

I think going to college is a mistake for some teenagers. They still need the discipline of school, my DS included.

I think you have to let him go his own way now. I know that it's hard. He has to make his own mistakes. You could try and tell him that it's easier to get qualifications now rather than when you're older and also, it's cheaper to get them now!

Has he always been quite open about his phone in the past? If he has, then I wouldn't snoop on it.

Re the stealing, DD had a spate of this . The only solution is to lock everything away.

You really do need to sit down and talk to him as a couple (without the other DC if you have them) and say to him that you want to treat him as the adult that he almost is, but you have to actually listen to what he wants to say. Also, I would tell him that if his choice is to leave school, then he has to start paying you rent. I did mention this to DS1 on time when we were having a discussion and he was shocked. He thought, even though he has to buy some of his own stuff, that he wouldn't have to pay board. That's quite a harsh reality.

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