To want to see him more and to wonder if this is the beginning of the end?

[Notalone]

Background is I have been with someone for almost a year. He had a heart attack 5 years ago which has left him with residual tiredness and works part time Mon -Thurs as a result. He has 3 children, one of which he sees every Wed and Saturday day and the other two he sees Sundays. I knew when I met him that I would never get to spend weekends with him but depsite this I don't think we see each other enough. We currently see each other one week night and Friday night one week and then the next week one weeknight after work only. This was because of my shared custody arrangements for DS but he met DS a couple of months ago so that is no longer an issue.

I told him yesterday that I felt we don't spend enough time together and suggested we see each other one extra Saturday night after he has seen his daughter every other week to make it twice a week but it was like I had suggested something terrible to him. He says he needs time to himself and he is tired and needs to chill out. I have told him chilling out and me are not mutually exclusive and why can't we both snuggle on the sofa together and chill out. He said he will think about it I know he loves me, that is not the issue, but I feel he has me in a certain compartment in his life and will never want or be able to give me anymore than he currently does.

Also I asked him if he felt I would be able to meet his children soon. He said his time with them is precious and he isn't sure if now is the right time. Fair enough, maybe it isn't the right time but I feel stupidly hurt, like he is saying that I would make time with his children worse somehow. I know I am being ridiculous on this issue but, again, I don't think this will ever change either.

Do you think I should bear with things? I love him so so much and he is my best friend as well as my boyfriend, but I feel I just want more time with him. Surely that is not too much to ask?

oh and DS adores him too so this is going to upset him as well , Bloody hell. What a mess. Thank you for your honesty too Outraged. I know he loves me, but he had 2 really shitty exes so compared to them I am great, but still not what he really wants. I feel like seeing me anymore would be a chore for him and I don't want to be a shitty bloody chore.

Oh notalone, sorry you are going through this. So as you are sure there isnt someone else involved, then I guess you are left with either accepting things as they are or moving on. From everything you say, you sound like the current state of affairs isnt enough for you (very reasonably so) and that he isnt going to change. Maybe a break would be a good thing? That might help clarify things...for both of you?

Notalone, please consider that if you stay in touch with this man as "friends", it might interfere with your ability to form new, viable relationships. When I split with my ex and we started dating new people, our friendship was a source of doubt to our new partners (his particularly) - it put the thought in their heads that maybe our split wasn't permanent, we were "on a break" and that therefore they might get hurt/dumped. It might be best to break contact and move on completely.

Thank you Holly. God I will miss him if we have a break though. He has been my rock over the past year and I truly adore him. But this can't go on forever and perhaps it will be better to do it now than a few months / years down the line. Its going to break my heart ending a relationship that is actually amazingly good (well when we are together anyway), but I need more now.

Whereyouleft it - I never thought if it like that. Did you have to break contact in the end or are you still friends now?

What are you going to do, Not? I agree with all PPs on here. If a relationship makes you down, over a.consistent period of time then I just don't think its a goer long term... Very sorry, but do think of what might be out there for you if you can make that break.
Well done for facing your questions, it can't be easy.

We're no longer in contact. TBH, at the time it didn't feel like breaking contact - it just felt like moving on, the right thing to do. I deliberately went out and joined clubs to make myself new friends (all our friends were joint IYSWIM, we'd moved away from our home town for work). We stopped socialising with each other; bumped into each other in the canteen occasionally (same employer) but our lives diverged.

With his life so compartmentalised, I'd imagine you don't have joint friends, so this should make it easier?

Where do you meet up - is it always at yours? If he moved home - was that back to his parents or with his ex?

I think he does have a lot on - 2 lots of children on different days and not much energy- so I can understand why he needs privacy and to chill on his own to recuperate.
However, you are starting to feel unhappy and you need to be brave and tell hiim how you feel. He sounds as if he doesn't have the energy for diving in with you. The lack of a" boom moment "comment would worry me - it sounds as if his other relationships were more dramatic. He is probably unused to calm loving and so perhaps doesn't see your stablity as a proper LT thing.

How awful for you , been there myself with an ex- try and join some other local meetups and groups (plenty of online information if you type in your town name and meetups)to meet other people and also perhaps do not be always so available for him - see if he misses you.

Lost - I am going to give it some serious thought but deep down I know what the best thing to do is. It is just going to be so hard because when we are together there is nothing fundamentally wrong at all and I love him so bloody much.
Whereyouleftit I think I will go down the same route as you if I end it. I would be very interested in what sort of clubs you joined because at the moment, when I don't have DS, the weekends are a bit empty due to all my local friends being with their families at this time. Did you have DC's then? We did actually meet at work funnily enough and I am still in touch with some of our colleagues (I don't work there anymore, he still does though) but neither of us really socialise as such with them so no difficulty there.

Bless you. I'm sure he does love you, but he obviously just wants a girlfriend as a hobby and not a full-time job.

Javo - yes he always comes over here because he moved back in with his mother after his heart attack. So he has to travel a lot on top of the travelling he already does (he works in the community so is on the go all day). He does have a lot on, but he could still chill out with me. Why does it always have to be on his own? He has Monday evenings, Thursday evenings, all day Friday and would also have every other Saturday night to do this if he agreed to the compromise I suggested. Surely that is enough time alone? I think you make a very good point about the dramatic previous relationships compared to our calm supportive relationship. He always tells me how much he loves the way we are together, but perhaps he takes it for granted that I am not the kicking off type of person. I talked about how I felt yesterday and he said he would consider the compromise but I did not felt reassured. I feel if he agrees it is because I want to and not because he wants to. I want him to want to be with me more iykwim

What interests do you have? or things you would like to do? Through finding local groups online I have recently joined a film night group who meet up to go to the local cinema once a month and for a drink before and after, also joined a book group.
One of my friends who is single has recently joined a womens sunday rambling group which has led to other weekend socialising events. She also signs up for courses at weekends in things she thinks might be fun such as flamenco dancing, meditation , paragliding.etc She has found this much more rewarding and sociable in the LT than trying to browbeat acquaintances into going clubbing.

It sounds to me like he's extremely introverted, and perhaps the heart attack made him more...self-absorbed maybe? Thing is, you can't change anyone. So you either accept what you have or you move on. It's completely up to you of course, but from your posts it doesn't seem like he has anything more to give you. So the ball is in your court.

Good luck whatever you decide.

"I feel he has me in a certain compartment in his life and will never want or be able to give me anymore than he currently does. "

Unfortunately you are probably right about this. I was with someone like this, and wasted far too much time hoping he would change. But they never do. You have to either accept that this is how things are going to be with him, or you end things and look for someone who wants to share their life fully with you.

Yes maybe you can persuade him into agreeing to certain things, negotiate compromises etc, but it really shouldn't have to be that way. It's a demeaning situation for you, honestly.

No, move on.

He will 'consider the compromise'? No, sorry, if he felt the way you want him to feel this situation just wouldn't be happening.

It doesn't make him a bad person but you will not get what you want from him. You're wasting your precious time.

The only bad thing he is doing is not being honest enough to end it, but keeping it going because he's getting what he wants - sex and a mate but not a relationship. He doesn't want a relationship. He must know that you do. Move on!

Javo - all those things sound like my cup of tea. I am not sporty but love to read, watch films, talk, walk in the countryside and was even thinking about some sort of dramatics group though the courage may escape me on that one! Trouble is where I live is not a mecca of activities and I don't have a car so the ones that do exist may not be accessible.

wilson Doctor and Ephiny* You are all right. He loves his own company, he says it is a legacy of being an only child. He has never tried to hide this and I have always accepted this as a part of him. He is not bad person, quite the opposite, but he should want to see me more rather than "consider the compromise". He actually turned round yesterday and said he felt I was trying to run his life for him which doesn't bode well really does it. God, I've got to move on haven't I? This is going to be so hard

Sorry Ephiny - I tried to highlight your name in th last comment but missed an asterix.

"he had 2 really shitty exes"

Did he tell you that? That's a red flag just for starters. Particularly when it turns out he's not treating you particularly well.

He sounds 63 not 43, surely you can do better than this. My guess is that he's keeping his options open in case anything better comes along.

Have PM'ed you.

You know OP, you sound very lovely. You're considerate of him and seem to have tried to give a fair account of him and his needs. He sounds fine, just not right for you, really. I think what you're looking into as regards new hobbies etc sounds really rather jolly, actually.
Do think about how you will respond if he tries to stop you calling time on the whole thing. Mind that you will, as I think you shall from the way your posts are sounding, stick to your guns and not be persuaded to hang in there, should he suggest it. I fear that you would just be feeling frustration and rejection, same as now, just a few more months down the line.
Good luck with all if it.

Nyac yes this is what he has told me but I do believe him. Its quite a long story but he is a genuine guy.

WYLI - I have PM's you. Thank you

And Lost thank you I have tried to be considerate of his needs and feelings and I still am but I think we just want very different things. Admittedly I may find it hard to break contact. In fact, depsite advice from WYLI I will probably still be tempted to keep him as a friend to see if we can manage this. He is my best friend and not having him in my life would really leave a huge void which I don't know if I could deal with right now