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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see him more and to wonder if this is the beginning of the end?

46 replies

Notalone · 09/04/2012 10:01

Background is I have been with someone for almost a year. He had a heart attack 5 years ago which has left him with residual tiredness and works part time Mon -Thurs as a result. He has 3 children, one of which he sees every Wed and Saturday day and the other two he sees Sundays. I knew when I met him that I would never get to spend weekends with him but depsite this I don't think we see each other enough. We currently see each other one week night and Friday night one week and then the next week one weeknight after work only. This was because of my shared custody arrangements for DS but he met DS a couple of months ago so that is no longer an issue.

I told him yesterday that I felt we don't spend enough time together and suggested we see each other one extra Saturday night after he has seen his daughter every other week to make it twice a week but it was like I had suggested something terrible to him. He says he needs time to himself and he is tired and needs to chill out. I have told him chilling out and me are not mutually exclusive and why can't we both snuggle on the sofa together and chill out. He said he will think about it Hmm I know he loves me, that is not the issue, but I feel he has me in a certain compartment in his life and will never want or be able to give me anymore than he currently does.

Also I asked him if he felt I would be able to meet his children soon. He said his time with them is precious and he isn't sure if now is the right time. Fair enough, maybe it isn't the right time but I feel stupidly hurt, like he is saying that I would make time with his children worse somehow. I know I am being ridiculous on this issue but, again, I don't think this will ever change either.

Do you think I should bear with things? I love him so so much and he is my best friend as well as my boyfriend, but I feel I just want more time with him. Surely that is not too much to ask?

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 09/04/2012 10:05

I don't think this is going anywhere tbh.

Sounds more like a booty call than a relationship IMO.

Hollyfoot · 09/04/2012 10:08

I dont think you are being ridiculous or that you are being 'stupidly' hurt. You sound perfectly reasonable to me.

He however, (sorry, you wont like this) doesnt sound like any sort of partner. Its very sensible to not introduce your children as soon as you meet someone, but after a year? I hate to ask this, but do you think he might have another life that you dont know about, perhaps one that involves someone else?

Original poster
Notalone · 09/04/2012 10:10

If I wasn't in this situation Norma I would say the same thing Smile. However he has quite a low sex drive so definitely not a booty call. We get on amazingly but I have been wondering whether he is actually just wanting a good friend to be honest. Can't beleive I forgot to mention this but a few months ago he told me he never had what he calls "a big boom moment" with me which I took to mean he isn't actually in love with me at all. He says he does love me and this is by far the best relationship he has ever had, but I am not convinced he is not settling for me because we get on so well Sad

OP posts:
catsareevil · 09/04/2012 10:11

It sounds like he has things exactly as he wants them.

hathorinareddress · 09/04/2012 10:13

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like a relationship to me.

He has what he wants - enough sex to keep him happy and you not in the rest of his life.

You need to think about whether you're happy to settle for this.

FetchezLaVache · 09/04/2012 10:13

On the one hand, if he's permanently exhausted I can see why all he wants to do after spending the day with his daughter is go home and crash.

On the other, it doesn't sound quite right somehow and YANBU. If you haven't met his kids yet after a year, at best he's not that serious about you, at worst he's actually still married and Living A Double Life.

Pickgo · 09/04/2012 10:13

Sounds like he doesn't want a full on relationship - just a gf to fill the gaps. I think it's a fit in or fuck off scenario and unless you can take a step back and be satisfied with that you might have to move on. Sorry [busad]

Original poster
Notalone · 09/04/2012 10:14

Its ok Holly. I would much rather people her be honest with me. No, he definitely doesn't have someone else. He actually had to move back home after his heart attack because working part time did not bring in enough to maintain a house and he phones me all the time when we are not together. He just feels all his time is taken up. I feel so lonely at weekends, especially when I don't have DS as all my friends are busy with their families. I knew this when we got together though but just didn't expect it to be so hard.
I feel after a year I should have met his children by now. I suggested taking his youngest daughter and my son bowling one day but he said no. His daughter is clingy right now and it wouldn't work Sad Hmm

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 09/04/2012 10:15

I'd ignore the lack of a big boom moment, but his lack of interest is worrying. Maybe suggest a trial of seeing more of each other and see how tired he gets? People who have heart attacks don't tend to move out from their families so I don't see why he shouldn't be able to cope.

FallenCaryatid · 09/04/2012 10:16

It sounds as if this is a friendship with you investing far more in it than he is.
You could stay friends and look for a lover/partner elsewhere, because it sounds like he feels he's got enough to deal with.

Original poster
Notalone · 09/04/2012 10:17

I feel like I either have to put up with it or move on. I don't want to be a part time fixture but I think this is the most he will ever be able to offer me and I don't think it is enough anymore. I got upset yesterday and I think he thought I was being irrational but this has been slowly eating away at me for a while now

OP posts:
SodoffBaldrick · 09/04/2012 10:17

I mean this in the nicest, helping-you-in-the-long-term kind if way, but...

He's just not that into you.

FallenCaryatid · 09/04/2012 10:18

Then move on, you won't change him and you aren't happy.

Original poster
Notalone · 09/04/2012 10:19

Zillion - all I want is a compromise but I don't think he will.

Fallen - I am sure we would definitely stay friends no matter what but I feel really sad about this. I want him, not anyone else, but I think if I stay I will live to regret it because I will be settling for half a life

OP posts:
PoorAudreyHorseface · 09/04/2012 10:20

How old is this man?

FallenCaryatid · 09/04/2012 10:21

You don't want the him he is at the moment, you want a new and improved him who wants you involved with his children and who wants to spend more time with you.
Which is unlikely to happen.
Move on.

Original poster
Notalone · 09/04/2012 10:23

43 Poor Audrey.
Sad Fallen. Its for the best isn't it. Sad

OP posts:
zookeeper · 09/04/2012 10:24

Hello op.

I think his not introducing you to his dcs is very telling. He sounds fond of you but that's all and not what you want. I would look for someone else . You probably won't be as lonely single as you are in this relationship. I hope you find somebody whose idea of chilling out is to be with you.

Doha · 09/04/2012 10:25

Keep him as a friend and set about looking for a partner who wants to spend time doing things with you and also quite happy to do nothing with you.

This man appears happy with the status quo -you are not. So this is going to go nowhere
life is short--move on

blapbird · 09/04/2012 10:25

I hate to say this but Stop wasting your time!

You have so much more to offer and he doesn't deserve to be offered any of it.

I'm speaking from experience here, I was in the same situation as you and when I eventually asked the question that I'd been dreading asking him because I secretly knew the horrible answer he just said he didn't miss me when I'm not there and he wasn't prepared for me to move to the same city as him or him to mine. I was devastated but now I am with a lovely guy we spend a lot of time together because we both want to give our all to our relationship so the feeling's mutual and I must say it's a very relaxing situation to be in.

Have you read he's just not that into you, if you haven't do, it's excellent and quite liberating.

I know this is a hard time for you but sometimes you just have to put your self first.

Good luck Smile

FallenCaryatid · 09/04/2012 10:26

How long do you want to be unhappy and feel like a minor supporting role in his life?
Yes, if you have asked him and explained how you feel and he can't or won't compromise, then let it be.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 09/04/2012 10:28

Sorry to say it, but I think you should move on. Before I met dh I had a boyfriend and I was in a very simelar situation to your boyfriend. I liked him being there when I wanted him there, and I did care a lot for him. We had a great relationship and had a lot of fun, but I knew he was never going to be 'the one'. I don't know how I knew, because on paper her was perfect, but I did. So I had my weekends with him when my dc were with their Dad, and he never met my dc. When he started to push for more time and to meet my dc, that was when I had to end it, even though I didn't really want to. It wouldn't have been fair to him to carry on.

In contrast, when I got together with dh, he met my dc as my boyfriend after about four months, although I had known him for a few years previously and he had met my dc just as someone I knew in the past.I was happy to do that because I knew he was going to be part of my life forever, and I think your boyfriend would feel the same if he saw a future with you.

Sorry. Sad I think you know the answer, hopefully this thread will help you find the strength you need to move forward. You deserve better than a part time boyfriend.

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 09/04/2012 10:29

I think to be sympathetic to him, he does have a lot on but he also sounds lazy and selfish....the main worry is his refusal to include you in his childrens lives...if I were you I am afraid I would be giving ultimatums now.

Original poster
Notalone · 09/04/2012 10:32

I am so glad I posted on here because I wasn't sure if I was asking for too much. Blapbird - your story in particular makes me feel like eventually a positive will come from this. I feel we will still be friends anyway so perhaps I will still have what I have now pretty much but without the sex bit. I am scared though and more than a little sad. When we first got together I really felt he was going to be really huge in my life.

OP posts:
AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 09/04/2012 10:35

It IS sad but only if he fails to change...he might realise when you tell him.