WIHBU to have walked away from this enforced apology from a 2yo directed at my ds(2)?

[lecce]

Today at a park a child who looked to be somewhere between 2 & 3 went down the slide a little too early and therefore made contact with my ds at the bottom. I was watching and there was, afaics, no malice or even particularly wild behaviour involved- just lack of judgement/thought. My ds was unhurt - it was not a dramatic incident.

As soon as it happened both parents swooped down on said child and told her forcefully that she needed to apologise or they would be going home. There followed quite an uncomfortable minute or two (felt looong, tbh) of them trying to extract an apology from her while she went red, snivelled, tried to hide behind her mother and hid her face behind her hands. To make it worse, my ds, who had barely reacted at the time seemed to cotton to what was happening and said, "Mummy, she kicked me!" and I replied, "No, it was just an accident..." which seemed to contradict what they were saying to her.

I felt it was a very heavy-handed approach in response to what was an accident. She seemed ashamed/humiliated and I don't think that is a positive outcome where discipline is involved. I tried to make light of it and said weakly something along the lines of , "Oh dear, she feels bad..." but what I really wanted to do was just walk away. However, I felt that I couldn't as they were trying to get her apologise to my ds but I really hated being a part of their approach.

Anyway - would I have been rude to have simply walked away?

I think that children do need to be told off if they hurt another child, even if it wasn't done with malice.

The right thing to do after an accident is to apologise. Not sure why you think this is a problem.

Maybe she'd done it before and they were really trying to get the message across?

some people really worry about how other parents see them --not me and dp oh no-- myself and dp often ask our dc to appolagise for an accident if someone was hurt, however in this case it all seems a bit ott.

It was a total over reaction...BUT, you don't know what the little girl is usually life. I suppose it's possible (though unlikely I'd have thought) that she's a little horror who's always bashing up other kids in the park.

Poor little thing. What a horrible scene.

YANBU - I'd have just said "No, no...looked like an accident to me. No apologies needed. Cheerio".

Yes, you would have been rude to walk away as then the parents would have really thought you were upset at their 'ruffian' dd! Poor lamb

Maybe she has been going through a rough stage and they are realising they need to enforce things more?

I've had a lot of problems with one of my DCs getting him to understand that if you hurt someone, even if it was an accident, you still say sorry. He's just never really got it. Maybe there was something like that going on? It does sound hideous for you, though - and 2 is too young for that sort of point-making.

I think the parents were doing their best.

Oh dear, you can't win can you? If they'd ignored it, another parent might be on here saying AIBU for thinking this child should have apologised... It's precisely because other parents so often seem to have their judgey antannae twitching, that it might be tempting to go overboard like they did...

a breezy 'really, don't worry about it, it's fine, bye' would have been fine IMO. It's really not rocket science is it - why didn't I just say and do that?

Pinktrees Actually, I think apologies that have to be dragged out like that acheive very little nad risk the child feeling resentment towards their parent, rather than any genuine remorse.

OldGreyWiffleTest That did occur to me but I still didn't want to be a part of it.

You should have just said firmly and cheerily "oh no it really was just an accident" - you would not have been undermining the parents, just giving them pause for thought.

Maybe a bit heavy-handed to have pushed it so far with the her. But perhaps the child had been playing "properly" roughly earlier and parents were reinforcing earlier message?

I so often see parents haul their children up over the tiniest thing, purely so that other parents don't think they are slack. I was a teeny bit like with ds1 as I would have been mortified if another parent had criticised me (no confidence), but once ds2 arrived I lightened up considerably.

I did once witness a poor child whose mother hovered over her every move at a playground. She literally would not leave the poor child to play - everything Phoebe did was commented on and critiqued in some way: "No, Phoebe, we sit down on the slide", "No, Phoebe, we wait until the other children have had their turns", "Say 'Sorry' Phoebe, for not moving out of the boy's way" and on and on. Mother had an unfortunate air of smugness about her and it did make me wonder what little Phoebe would be like in 18 years time.

It's probably an ongoing strategy, she could have been really rough on other occasions and they're trying to be consistent? As someone else said, you'd might have felt pissed off if they'd ignored it.

I wouldnt have undermined their parenting technique, if thats how they wanted to deal with the situation then fine...its not as if they gave the child a smack, now that would be wrong, I would hace accepted the apology and then suggested they play together or walk away.

I would find it rude if you walked away from me when I was trying to teach my children politeness, I'd have approached it much gentler of course but hey ho

IMO children do have to learn early to say sorry. Often, frequently, "sorry it happened" NOT "sorry, I admit fault". Breezily, all the time, so saying "sorry" becomes natural and normal and not loaded with emotion/blame/admission of wrongdoing etc.

After they learn to say it easily, THEN they can hopefully be taught to MEAN it

I think YABU, sorry- at least they were trying (better than the parents who outright ignore their kids who are bashing others in the play park), and just "oh don't worry, he's fine" would have been an appropriate response rather than walking off when someone is trying to interact. That's what I usually say when kids are told to apologise to mine over minor incidents, anyway. I don't ever feel bad towards parents who do that tbh, more towards the ones who just think it's funny for their kids to act like yobs. It might seem like overreacting now but bet she doesn't grow up to be a teenager who steals cars and gets into fights like I imagine lots of the ones with ignorey parents do, and better that she grows up a bit resentful of her parents but a civilised person than thinking her parents were always lovely but being crap to everyone else.

I must admit i probably come across heavy handed as i always make ds apologise BUT that is because he can be very rough. Although he is now getting better and has stopped hitting every child he meets and has started to "play" with them instead. However i have never made him cry to do so maybe it shows there is a way and a means.

Maybe she had been told to wait and had gone down anyway, or the parent had seen that look in her eye where they know she means business just didn't manage to get as much force behind her slide as she wanted

I try and enforce apologies from dd1 2.6 if she does something with malice, if she goes nuclear I apologise for her and we have a complete shreiking meltdown a chat after I have removed her from the situation.

I work with parents who like to make their children apologise for little ishaps like this I think its sould destroying for the littlies , and a complete over reation on the parents part , I say it was an accident they didnt mean it , I used to do this with my own children if a similar accident happened , I think parents are so obsessed with their children being good well mannered that they can go over the top , and dont judge what happened very well ,

oh just wanted to say there is nothing wrong with saying sorry I dont mean children shouldnt but the OTTness really gets on my nerves ,

They were probably worried you would be annoyed and wanted to be seen to be dealing with it. It was up to you to reassure them that it was fine, just an accident. Would have been rude to walk away and they could have thought this was because you were annoyed at what happened.

Oh YWNBU a similar thing happened to me at soft play! A little boy of about 4 ran into my DD by accident and his Mum appeared with a face and MADE him say sorry...I was so embarrased as it was just an accident...it was the Mothers unreasonable anger which shamed me....I felt she didn't like her son much.