WIHBU to have walked away from this enforced apology from a 2yo directed at my ds(2)?

[lecce]

Today at a park a child who looked to be somewhere between 2 & 3 went down the slide a little too early and therefore made contact with my ds at the bottom. I was watching and there was, afaics, no malice or even particularly wild behaviour involved- just lack of judgement/thought. My ds was unhurt - it was not a dramatic incident.

As soon as it happened both parents swooped down on said child and told her forcefully that she needed to apologise or they would be going home. There followed quite an uncomfortable minute or two (felt looong, tbh) of them trying to extract an apology from her while she went red, snivelled, tried to hide behind her mother and hid her face behind her hands. To make it worse, my ds, who had barely reacted at the time seemed to cotton to what was happening and said, "Mummy, she kicked me!" and I replied, "No, it was just an accident..." which seemed to contradict what they were saying to her.

I felt it was a very heavy-handed approach in response to what was an accident. She seemed ashamed/humiliated and I don't think that is a positive outcome where discipline is involved. I tried to make light of it and said weakly something along the lines of , "Oh dear, she feels bad..." but what I really wanted to do was just walk away. However, I felt that I couldn't as they were trying to get her apologise to my ds but I really hated being a part of their approach.

Anyway - would I have been rude to have simply walked away?

Yabu maybe they thought if they didn't make Their dd apologize they would of had someone on mumsnet writing how a little slid straight into my dc and didn't even apologize!!

You never no. I don't think they were necessarily doing the wrong thing, maybe they just dragged it out a bit too much,

You do sound lovely caring about the little girls feelings tho :)

Children need to be taught to say sorry if they bump into someone by accident & will usually be greeted by a that's ok, no harm done. Plus maybe she had been told not to go down the slide when someone else was still on it. I would rather parents did this then be oblivious to the chaos their kids are causing!!

I think before we makre children apologise we wshould be teaching them what 'sorry' actually means.

I have heard lots of tiny children say the word when it is completely obvious they don't know what it means!!

Yes if a child hurts another unbintentionally it needs to be brought to their attention, but the child in OP did sound as if she got a really hard time for an accident. A simple, you need to wait until the child in front is off the slide before you go next time, would have been sufficient IMO

I don't think it would be appropriate to walk away, but if I were you, and was not comfortable with how the child was being dealt with, I would have made it clear to the child that I appreciated her apology and that we knew it was an accident.

I would probably have said 'oh don't worry he's fine it was just an accident' and walked away. On the other hand I have occasionally found myself tryi g o force an apology out of my son when he's accidentally done something and aged 12 he can't talk so it really is pointless. Afterwards I end up thinking wtaf was I doing there?

Assumptions about other people's expectations can turn us all into momentary loons.

I think YABU. You don't know what the backstory is - perhaps this was the second or third time the little girl had gone down the slide too early without waiting for it to be clear? It really can be quite dangerous on big slides if children don't know the rules so it could well be that the apology was as much to reinforce the 'wait until it is clear' rule as to 'make up' with your DS. Best thing you can do is accept the apology graciously.

How could OP accept the apology graciously, if it was so ungraciously and embarrassingly extracted. The forced apology, if it was actually eventurally made, has caused more upset than the original 'offence'. It would have been far better if the parents had apologised on their LO's behalf and told her to be more careful in future.

It would have been rude to walk away. However, when the apology did not come straight away, it would have been better for you to have taken charge and said something like, 'don't worry, it was an accident, no harm done'. It is easy to wise after the event, though.

Cecily P - It's not hard to get down to the little girl's level and thank her for her lovely apology. It doesn't really matter if she took a while to get there - if she knows that it was appreciated and gets a smile, she'll be far more likely to apologise promptly next time.

i make my children say sorry even for accidents if i can. Its good manners, even if they dont mean it

ScroobiousPil - it was not a lovely apology; it was an excruciatingly embarrassing experience for the OP that left such a bad taste in her mouth that she was still thinking about it at at 20.24 in the evening.

Difficult.
On the one hand it was an accident, on the other every child needs to learn how to behave in a social situation.
I think I would have said "It's ok, I know you didn't mean to hurt my child." Said to the child in a smiling way.
This reminded me of the time my dd was bitten 3 times by a boy in her reception class.
The mother responded by taking her child outside and biting him!!!!!
The whole incident left me feeling sick.

I think making children say sorry, even if they don't mean it, but because it is mannerly is actually not going to be very productive in the longterm.

You will end up with a child who will parrot out a 'sorry' and then just carry on, probably repeating the same bahaviour again and again. Simply saying sorry does not excuse behaviour and it is certainly not mannerly. It is only really any good if the child understands they are saying sorry because they feel bad about hurting someone else or doing something they shouldn't have, and that in saying sorry what they mean is they won't do it again.

I have worked with many children and young people and lots of those children, due to being forced to say sorry without understanding thought it was a get out of jail free card for any situation, i.e I say sorry, I get away with anything!!

Maybe she had done it a few times, or the parents didn't see what actually happened.

I would much rather parents are on the ball rather than sitting at the picnic table having a fag on their phone.

I apologise if I bump into someone by accident, don't see what's wrong with teaching that aspect of manners. But I don't think I would have put pressure on lo to the point they did.

Not saying parents should ignor eit, if you reads my 1st post. IMO 'sorry' should onyl be used if it is meant, and that aplies to adults and children.

If I accidentally bump into someone I do say sorry, but not to be polite but because I feel bad for bumping into them....

Sorry for the typos, not good on my phone...

I have a friend who behaves like this, reacting in a completely OTT way if her ds knocks another child over, accidentally or just out of exuberance (often he's just trying to kiss them...). She often reduces him to tears and tries to force excruciating apologies out of him. She's obsessed with the idea that other mums will think he's a 'naughty' boy - insecurity on her part I suppose. He's actually a very sweet little boy, just excitable in the way that toddlers are, but no matter how many times the rest of us tell her this and try to reassure her, it doesn't seem to have any effect. It's a bit wearing, actually. The other day she was sternly telling him 'inside voice, please!' because he was shouting. He's only 22 months ffs.

Sorry, waffling - I mean to say YANBU.

Rhubarb i feel for your friend and her toddler I think some parents are so intent on their children they lose sight of things and go completley over the top , Its not a case of letting a child away with something its how you handle it ,

Rather an OTT approach than none at all in my opinion.

I am fed up of children (and I am talking older kids, not toddlers/pre schoolers) bashing into dd2 on slides & laughing/running off with the parents doing absolutely fuck all about it.

I think there have been some good points here. Sometimes parents do ostentatious disciplining for the benifit of other parents - sometimes because they feel anxious. It's a shame if it is heavy handed.

IMO making a child say sorry can be counterproductive. I would always make it clear to my child that being thoughtless was the issue. I would apologise on my child's behalf to set that example. Later on, it's really important that they learn to say sorry, but as a toddler, I think you can end up with a child who hasn't learned anything other than to say sorry

I think "Say sorry or you'll go home" is appropriate for deliberately hurting someone, but for being careless on a slide it's better for the parents to tell the child to wait until the slide is clear until they slide down.

Some parents also do ostentatious worrying, even when any child, not even theirs has a minor trip "OH MY GOD ARE YOU OK?" Guaranteed to make DD2 make a bigger fuss than she would normally because now she is worried because someone else is, and also embarrassed at her tripping over being pointed out to the whole playground.

Yes it was an over reaction. It can be really annoying when parents hover over their little ones and expect perfect adult standards from them. I think I would have done the same as other posters have suggested and said'it's ok, it was just an accident'. Making a big deal of these things is usually counter-productive.

YouAreOfCourseJoking I love your way of looking at this! I shall be using that idea in the future.

jetstar, my first ever MN

right back atcha.