to think that my aunt shouldn't have left my cousins 12 and 17yrs on their own...

[choceyes]

for nearly 3 weeks while they away in Asia?

My mum and aunt have fallen out because my aunt did this and expected my mum to stay over at theirs in the evenings, even though my mum told her that she can't do it everyday for 3 weeks. My aunt apparently accepted that, even spoke to my mum on the phone while my aunt and her DH was away, and my mum said she or my dad couldn't stay over that day for whatever reason. So she knew that her boys weren't being looked after every single day (between my mum and dad they stayed over roughly 2/3 of the time).But when they returned, they had a go at my parents for not staying over every single day.
Huge family argument as ensued and they are still not on talking terms and this happened months ago.

But AIBU to think that my aunt and her DH shoudln't have left their boys for nearly 3 weeks and go away half way across the world, without putting on concrete childcare in place? Like say pay a nanny? They are very well off.

my 12 yr old is considerably easier to look after than a baby, even with all her pre-teen stroppiness

In principle, yes I think a 17yr old could look after a 12yr old however, I find it difficult to understand the mentality of a parent who would leave a minor for that amount of time and to go so far. I get the desire for some child-free R and R, but surely a week in Spain or Portugal would be more appropriate. At least you'd only be half a day away if an emergency came about. I don't know, it just seems selfish to me and mildly neglectful to me.

As for having a go at your parents for not checking in everyday? They've got a bloody nerve. If they felt daily adult supervision was a must then they should have paid someone, or taken him with them or (shock, horror) not have gone. Your aunt is BU.

To me, to me.
To you, to you.

Channeling the Chucklebrothers tonight.

If it's caused a big family row then of course it's your business. Is there more to it than that though?

My mind boggles at the thought of the 17yr old being left with a nanny! She could be married with a baby herself.
However I don't think it fair to leave her with the 12 yr old for that length of time.

I lived on my own when I was 17, I was fine looking after myself. My sister was 13 at the time. We would have killed each other if I'd had to look after her, she would never have gone along with me being 'in charge' for one and I wouldn't have been able to deal with her stroppy defiance at that age. You can't throw 17yos being parents into this - you have 7 or 8 months to get used to the idea, you prepare for it, and babies may cry and need things but they don't say no (not for a couple of years anyway), it's not the same thing as suddenly having sole charge of a pre-teen sibling at all.

I think your Aunt and Uncle were incredibly unreasonable to go and leave a 12 yr old for 3 weeks without proper care, but I also wonder why your parents didn't just pack him up and bring him to your house for the duration, as they were aware this child had been left without proper care. It's certainly what I would have done for my niece or nephew not that any of my or dh's siblings would do this.

I think whether it is reasonable or not depends a lot on the personality of the 17 year old and even more on the personality of the 12 year old. There is a lot less minding in a pre teen than a baby but I think the care that is required for a pre teem for such a length of time would require a more mature mind than that of a 17 year old. The range of potential behaviours or problems will be more varied. And a 17 year old may not know how to handle a situation where for example the 12 year old storms off and doesn't come home.
And if someone started having a completely unjustified go at my parents resulting in family split, I would consider that right slap in the middle of my business.
Your aunt and uncle were completely in the wrong to get annoyed with your parents for doing exactly wht it was agreed by would do.

I was going to say not in a million years should they be left alone, then I remembered that I had only just turned 18 when I went to the US as an au pair and ended up looking after a 12 year old and a 2 year old for 10 days whilst their parents were away. And it was absolutely fine!

I did have plenty of people to fall back on though, so I guess it's all in the preplanning. Perhaps your aunt and uncle misunderstood how much your parents would be around, and that's why they're peed off. It's their responsibility though.

TheCat - there's a HUGE difference in being 'the person your parents have employed to look after you', and being the older sibling, in terms of response you get from the 12 yr old.
I'd be comfortable letting my 15 yr old ds child mind someone else's child, (not for 3 weeks, obviously) but he'd get short shrift trying to tell his siblings what to do

Blimey, I thought this was going to be about babysitting or something and was all prepared to say 'what on earth are you fussing about' but three weeks? Your uncle and aunt want their heads examined. Selfish and highly irresponsible. Flaming cheek having a go at your parents over it.

I can only imagine the havoc my younger sister would have wreaked had my Mother gone off and left us for three weeks when I was 17 - and my sister was only three years younger than me. She would have resented any decision I made or instruction I gave her. Your 12yo cousin may be remarkably compliant but even so, this is way beyond unreasonable.

(Actually I remember my sister causing havoc in just one ruddy evening we had to cope 'on our own' as in my Mother was ill after an op so in bed asleep upstairs and we had to fend for ourselves. My sister wanted to make chips and I said no because we weren't allowed to use the chip pan - cue an actual physical fight. Thankfully an uncle popped round to see if we were OK and realised my poor Mother was actually unconscious, which kind of put our fight into a bit of perspective.)

nobody here can say it was right or wrong as it completely depends on the personalities of the 17 yr old and the 12 yr old and the understanding that they had with their parents.

in some cases the younger sibling might be more willing to listen to big bro or big sis rather than some other relative they might not like or respect. the older sibling knows the family routine in terms of meal times, homeworks etc so in many cases it could work quite well - for other families it wouldn't as they would just fight.

if it were me when i was 17 looking after my younger siblings it would have been no problem whatsoever - and that would have been a 15 yr old brother and a 4yr old sister. if i look back to my sister's personality when she was 17 I would have confidently been able to entrust my children into her care if i needed to .

i would say that looking after an older sibling for 3 weeks would be so much easier than looking after a baby of your own (if the siblings get on well and are both sensible). you can be a parent yourself at that young age and caring for a newborn and all the risks with that are huge for a parent of any age -with preparing feeds, sterilising, looking for signs of illness,preventing cot death, finding your own parenting style, budgeting, housework etc...yet so many 17 yr olds are doing this all the time. my brother became a father at 17..moved into a house with his partner and newborn no problem

if there had been an emergency i'm sure the 17 yr old could have rang 999 just as easily as the parents themselves (probably faster too as they are a whizz with these phones - it would take me all day to find mine at the bottom of my handbag).....and it would take the parents the same length of time to get back from Asia regardless of who was looking after the 12 yr old

yabu about the children being left but your parents should not have been shouted at - unless there is a deeper issue

sorry - looking after a YOUNGER sibling that should read