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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my aunt shouldn't have left my cousins 12 and 17yrs on their own...

38 replies

choceyes · 07/04/2012 21:20

for nearly 3 weeks while they away in Asia?

My mum and aunt have fallen out because my aunt did this and expected my mum to stay over at theirs in the evenings, even though my mum told her that she can't do it everyday for 3 weeks. My aunt apparently accepted that, even spoke to my mum on the phone while my aunt and her DH was away, and my mum said she or my dad couldn't stay over that day for whatever reason. So she knew that her boys weren't being looked after every single day (between my mum and dad they stayed over roughly 2/3 of the time).But when they returned, they had a go at my parents for not staying over every single day.
Huge family argument as ensued and they are still not on talking terms and this happened months ago.

But AIBU to think that my aunt and her DH shoudln't have left their boys for nearly 3 weeks and go away half way across the world, without putting on concrete childcare in place? Like say pay a nanny? They are very well off.

OP posts:
BrightnessFalls · 07/04/2012 21:23

do your parents live locally? It is alot to ask for three whole weeks.

AgentZigzag · 07/04/2012 21:23

I can't imagine any reason that could justify this as reasonable behaviour, both to the DC or your mum.

Although, if there's anywhere that could come up with one, it's MN Grin

YANBU, how did the DC feel about it? More the 12 YO than the 17 YO, who's able to look after themselves.

Original poster
choceyes · 07/04/2012 21:27

They live about 4 miles away, so not far. But they have exchange students over a lot, so need to give them breakfast etc. So on the days they were staying over at my aunts they had to be up at 6am and return home. It is madness to think they could keep this up for 3 weeks! No thanks or appreciation from my aunt or her DH, just a lot of abuse for not being their every single day.

OP posts:
parakeet · 07/04/2012 21:27

Seventeen-year-olds are legally allowed to look after newborn babies, all on their own, permanently. Surely a 12-year-old must be easier than a baby.

Of course, if she's now shouting at your mum for not staying over every night, when she had been warned in advance it wouldn't be happening, then she is being unreasonable. Not really any of your business though, is it?

marriedinwhite · 07/04/2012 21:29

I have a very very sensible 17 and 13 year old. It should not have happened - period.

Original poster
choceyes · 07/04/2012 21:31

yes it is not my business parakeet . I just thought it was a weird thing to be doing and wondered if it was just me thinking that or is leaving a 12yr old and a 17yrs old really that acceptable?

OP posts:
discrete · 07/04/2012 21:32

At 17, I was perfectly able to babysit my younger siblings for a few weeks (school etc. allowing).

But if your aunt wasn't counting on that, then she was being very unreasonable.

misdee · 07/04/2012 21:32

Couldn't the 17yr old look after the 12yr old?

BrightnessFalls · 07/04/2012 21:32

Whether its the OP's business or not, its horrible to see your parents shouted at Sad. I wonder why they didnt ask if the 12 year old could sleep at your parents?

Original poster
choceyes · 07/04/2012 21:35

Couldn't the 17yr old look after the 12yr old?

I genuinely don't know. I only have a 3.5yr old and a 19 month old, so I really don't know if its possible. Is a 17yr old mature enough? My 17yr old cousin is sensible I guess, most of the time. But I think it is a big responsibility asking him to look after his 12yr old, somewhat naughty 12yr old brother.

OP posts:
misdee · 07/04/2012 21:38

At 16 I was ok to be left home when parents went on holiday, but we had good neighbours. By 18 I owned my own flat.

Not sure about looking after a 12yr old sibling overnight thinking about it again, but know that once or twicee I stayed at friends houses instead when that age.

AgentZigzag · 07/04/2012 21:39

12 YOs can be sensible, but unfortunately their behaviour can be mixed with that of a much younger child.

The 17 YO on their own would be no problem, but what if the 12 YO wasn't doing as their told, whats the older one going to do exactly? They've hardly got the authority of a parent have they?

Three weeks is a bloody long time in anyone's books.

tabulahrasa · 07/04/2012 21:42

I wouldn't leave my 16 yr old DS to look after my 12 yr old - but on the other hand I was living with my DP at 17 and the aforementioned DS was a baby...

DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 07/04/2012 21:43

It's alot to ask of a 17 year old tbh, for 3 weeks anyway. I'm assuming your aunt and her husband were on holiday? They should have found actual proper childcare for their 12 year old, whether it was your mum OP or someone else. If your mum told them in advance it wouldn't be possible to stay with them every night they should have found someone else to do it or not gone on their holiday.

They are being very unreasonable to have it in for your parents for this.

AgentZigzag · 07/04/2012 21:43

I moved out at 16 and just about survived, but nobody in their right mind would have entrusted another persons welfare to me Shock

I feel sorry for the 17 YO, what happened when they wanted to go out and meet their mates? Were they just stuck 'babysitting', even if they wanted to do it out of love for their sibling it must have been difficult.

misdee · 07/04/2012 21:45

True. Just remebered my eldest dd is now 12 (I am in denial about her getting older which means I am also getting older). Tho she is sensible, she can be immature at times, and would need an adult to guide her daily.

Not nice for your parents to get moaned at for your aunt+uncle not sorting out proper arrangements, but your parents staying 2/3 of the time, they should be grateful for.

Original poster
choceyes · 07/04/2012 21:45

hmm I suppose the 17yr old is theoretically capable of looking after a 12yr old, but I can't help thinking what would have happened in an emergency. I really can't fathom the idea of leaving a 12yr old without parents for such a long time and in an emergency it would take them a day or more to get back home.

OP posts:
JustHecate · 07/04/2012 21:46

I think it was bloody wrong of your aunt and uncle to bugger off, knowing that your mum had already said she couldn't, and then get the arse on.

clearly they expected that she'd just HAVE to, if they weren't there.

HeidiHole · 07/04/2012 21:47

what about the fact that a 17year old could be living alone with their newborn baby? If a 17 year old could have a baby they could look after a 12 year old!

So the issue then is is the 17year old WILLING to be left in charge which is an issue between the mother and children.

McHappyPants2012 · 07/04/2012 21:48

at the age of 17 my sister had a newborn premuture baby (9 week early), making decsion on her medical treatment and tests.

unless the 17 years has SN it was fine.

BrightnessFalls · 07/04/2012 21:50

If a 17 year old is old enough to have and raise a baby for life, when that baby is 12 the 17 would be 29. Thats a huge age difference. I dont think it can be compared.

AgentZigzag · 07/04/2012 21:51

I see what you're saying Heidi, but a newborn, although very precious and needing a lot of care, isn't the same as a stroppy 12 YO Grin

Meeting the basic feed/clean/cuddle care of a baby is different to steering an older child who maybe doesn't want to do something. It's bloody constant, give me a baby any day Grin

Original poster
choceyes · 07/04/2012 21:51

yes I never thought that situation, a 17yr old having a baby of their own. That makes sense. But would a 17yr old have the same duty of care for their brother? Would they make the same sacrifices or putting their brother first, or not going out and leaving the 12yr alone etc?

OP posts:
musicposy · 07/04/2012 21:58

It's a long time, but my 16 year old would be able to do it for my 12 year old and I wouldn't have a minute's worry. She was applying to dance school for this September and they have to rent somewhere to live with friends in London. If she can do that she can certainly look after a 12 year old. And, yes, I think she would be fine in an emergency and yes, I would trust her to care for 12 y.o in that situation.

I think more to the point is whether the 12 yo was happy about it. It's a long time to be left without your mum and only a sibling to turn to. Also she shouldn't have expected your mum to be responsible for that long unless she absolutely didn't mind, however.

So, maybe not unreasonable to leave them as such, but given the circumstances perhaps more so.

DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 07/04/2012 22:03

I don't think this is comparable to having a baby and taking care of it at 17. The bond you have with your own baby is a lot different to the one you have with your stroppy brother/sister!

I know when I was 12 and my sister 15 I wouldn't have done what she said if I thought she was bossing me about or I just simply didn't feel like doing things her way. Unfair situation to put a 17 year old in for an entire 3 weeks unless they and you were completely sure there would be no fallings out. These parents obviously weren't sure there would be no fallings out between siblings so roped OP's parents in to help.

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