to have answered with a hmmmmm - and not corrected my friend?

[heliumballoons]

OK, I'm sure in the grand scheme of things this isn't a biggy, but will affect if I say something before next week or not.

DS just started back at local centre swimlessons as finding the club he ' ^really^ ' wanted to join too serious! Friends DC's moved back too.

We put DS and her DC1 into the same group, it was the one DS had just moved into when he left. We decided this was best because they could assess them. I am one for trusting those in the know!

First DS was moved up. This meant DS changing times as they don't do next group up at this time. Friend was not happy and not very subtle with it. ( her DC1 a group ahead of DS in club)

So last lesson DS moved up again. This next group up lessons are at same time as friends children swim/ DS was booked in for in the first place.

Friend rings earlier, just general chit chat and she asks how DS lesson went. Fine I say, then say 'oh, he's going to be swimming at 4.30 again now so we can have a coffee and chat when DC's swim'

her reply 'how does he feel about that?, I was surprised they moved him up and not DC1, I just thought they'd not been watching her properly but I guess they just mis assessed him - not very fair to move him up and then down again though, aren't you annoyed'

I replied 'hmmmmmmmmm' and changed the subject.

AIBU just to turn up Wednesday or should I tell her first?

(am not sure why but I feel like I've lied somehow - when in fact I just am not interested in entering in some kind of competition)

hiss I agree, the pressure must be awful. And DS is in no way exceptionally talented - just seems to be a slightly stronger swimmer than children his own age. He's with 9-11yo (ave age of people in this stage) (he's 7.7). There are 9 classes of this stage a week - I'm sure DS isn't the only 7yo in it and I'm sure some classes must have older children who started swimming lessons later or just find it harder.

There is a special sort of parental madness that can make these things seem very important. When was the last time that you felt jealous of someone who could swim better than you? Have you ever seen a thread on MN about comparing adults swimming abilities. No. It's usually 'I can or can't swim'. It's not 'I can swim faster than most other 40 year olds'. Bizarre isn't it.

Lol Helium. He is (whispers) a 3c and is in year 1 BUT he's rubbish at football ;o)

A lot of it is about ticking boxes. It's like parents' evening. There are parents I actively avoid at parents' evening as I know it will be one long stream of boasting about how well their dcs are doing.

Ds didn't walk until nearly a year after my NCT friends' dcs. I had to put up with a lot of patronising comments about that too so I've probably developed a fairly thick skin over the years.

That is awful that people would make comments about you DS not walking, my friends DS was practically 2 and he walks exactly the same as the others now, its ridiculous as its not as if they will put it on their CV or anything!

Some people are just downright rude!

She sounds a piece of work tbh. A genuine person who allegedly cares about your children (as a friend of yours) would not criticise your sons achievements and write them off as a 'mistake' by the teacher. She would deal with her complaint about her DCs grading with the correct person i.e. the teacher and leave your son out of it. It is what I would call a 'stand alone' issue and therefore should be dealt with as such. So lets see - she has criticised you for 'misleading' her (any wonder ! would have been my reply) - the teacher for 'incompetent' judgement and worst of all your son for having 'average' and 'overrated' swimming skills.

I would just (if you feel you must ) go and sit and have coffee with her and every time she refers to it l would just (a la broken record technique) keep politely telling her to take her concerns to the teacher as it's nothing to do with you or your son.

I meant disappointed when I wrote frustrated, I would feel briefly disappointed if I were the other mother. Admittedly, I'm from a culture where we're most likely to say "Well done!" as first & only response, though.
I am currently & have in past been in OP's identical situation (right down to coffee chats and close friends being involved) wrt swimming DC, and picked up on the tension from parents of others "left behind". It's a cultural minefield, I thought the done British thing was to avoid crowing at all costs so I never know what to say about what DC are achieving . I think I lack the imagination to conceive of being truly competitive about swimming lessons, though.

ragged why would you feel disappointed? I genuinely don't understand why parents aren't pleased for the achievements of their friends' dcs. Does it really matter if your child isn't as good a swimmer as his friend? Getting my bronze lifesaver award at a young age didn't transform my life. My social skills have probably got me further in life than my 'achievements'.

lou WOW, go your DS. My DS is year 3 and a 2B! He is not likely to be a 3C at the end of year 3!

Hiss I had the opposite as DS walked first - lot's of comments about how they had it better as could sit and have coffee and I had to run ragged after DS.

ragged I get what you mean, I would feel disappointed for my DS if his friend moved up and he didn't, but would say well done, and use it as an oppotunity to explain you can't be top of everything and trying hard counts for a lot.

sudaname excellent advice - thankyou. I am definately just going to keep saying I'm not a swimming teacher, I have no idea, speak to her.

Do not even think about moving days to avoid her. She has the problem, not you. If she's unhappy about her DC's progress then she should take it up with the coach. End of. Imagine if you changed days, disrupted your whole week for it, possibly upset your own DS - and then she does something outwith your control, like take her DC away from swimming lessons altogther? How daft would you feel then? Just try to keep the coffee chat to something other than swimming.

Good lord talk about a storm in a teacup.

Does it really matter who says what or who finds out what when or how? Blimey. Just enjoy a coffee and a chat.

proud I actually agree with you. I am upset it ever came to the point I feel unable to just say what happened for fear my DS will bear the brunt of it by receiving insults (albiet reversely) about his swimming ability. I just want to turn up for coffee and a chat - and let the swimming teachers deal with the actual swimming side of things!

so anyway an UPDATE of sorts: My friend text me earlier to say she'd meet me inside the spectator area as she was going to speak to the swimming teacher before the lesson. I have said to go on through and I'd get coffees and meet her there - and depending on queue it may be a few minutes into the lesson. I don't really want to be there or hear the conversation, and hopefully she'll realise I really DO NOT want to get involved!

Poor swimming teacher, too! Why some parents can't just trust the teacher I have no idea. And yes, shock horror, some children do progress faster than others. I teach piano and the most difficult kind of parent is the one who complains that x started at the same time as them and is taking Grade 1, why isn't their child? I always say I never hold a child back. . Silly parent; there's no point her child being in the wrong swimming group, she won't gain anything.

My girls skate and that is a whole other level of competitiveness, I tell you. Like you, OP, I just refuse to engage. DD1 has come on fast and I nearly lost a long standing friendship when she overtook this friend's child. Friend upped her child's lessons massively for a while, and then when it became apparent she wasn't going to keep up whatever, would barely speak to me. With DD2, who is much slower, I get it the other way, people constantly "mentioning" that their DC has overtaken her and hasn't she been entered for her tests yet? There's also a lot of bitching over the coaches and one mother in particular keeps on asking is DD2 happy with x? (in other words, her progress is pretty slow, give us the gossip). I always say yes, she really enjoys it.

Just refuse to engage OP, it's the only way. Start getting drawn in and you will just have endless bad feeling and be in an argument that can't end well. Smile and nod. Get the coffee and change the subject. The weather and people's cats, maybe :)