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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have answered with a hmmmmm - and not corrected my friend?

63 replies

heliumballoons · 07/04/2012 19:55

OK, I'm sure in the grand scheme of things this isn't a biggy, but will affect if I say something before next week or not.

DS just started back at local centre swimlessons as finding the club he ' ^really^ ' wanted to join too serious! Friends DC's moved back too.

We put DS and her DC1 into the same group, it was the one DS had just moved into when he left. We decided this was best because they could assess them. I am one for trusting those in the know!

First DS was moved up. This meant DS changing times as they don't do next group up at this time. Friend was not happy and not very subtle with it. ( her DC1 a group ahead of DS in club)

So last lesson DS moved up again. This next group up lessons are at same time as friends children swim/ DS was booked in for in the first place.

Friend rings earlier, just general chit chat and she asks how DS lesson went. Fine I say, then say 'oh, he's going to be swimming at 4.30 again now so we can have a coffee and chat when DC's swim'

her reply 'how does he feel about that?, I was surprised they moved him up and not DC1, I just thought they'd not been watching her properly but I guess they just mis assessed him - not very fair to move him up and then down again though, aren't you annoyed' Shock

I replied 'hmmmmmmmmm' and changed the subject.

AIBU just to turn up Wednesday or should I tell her first?

(am not sure why but I feel like I've lied somehow - when in fact I just am not interested in entering in some kind of competition)

OP posts:
Original poster
heliumballoons · 07/04/2012 20:50

They have only had 2 lessons - there is no lack of/ greater progress Grin

Just that the group they started in wasn't right for DS so he was moved, then moved again.

There's no 'reveal'. I know she questioned the teacher last lesson about why her DC1 didn't move with DS because she told me. I just didn't want to discuss it, and let her know DS had moved back to 4.30 so would see her at the pool and coffee was on me.

I can see now though that the problem lies with her because whenever I mentioned it to her she would be pissed off - she just doesn't see why my DS is a group above her DC1. (TBH neither can I, and can only think it's his confidence)

OP posts:
AChickenCalledKorma · 07/04/2012 20:57

I think "hmmmmmmmmmmm" was exactly the right response and you should just enjoy your coffee and not worry about her reaction. Competitive parenting is exhausting, your son is in the group his teachers think is correct, if your friend has a problem, she needs to talk to the teachers, not to you.

(I am currently in the process of distancing myself from a friend who continually interrogates me about my daughters' abilities in various extra-curricular activities, compared to her daughters. It's exhausting. And boring. Far better to adopt a placid, slightly vague air of "it doesn't matter")

Original poster
heliumballoons · 07/04/2012 21:01

That's exactly it chicken I don't care It doesn't matter. I am not a swimming teacher but my dad is a coach and the reason he goes to lessons and my dad doesn't teach him is I don't want DS pressurized, I just want him to learn to swim and have fun with it. Whatever group that may be.

OP posts:
Hissboo · 07/04/2012 21:08

No need to say a thing. Your friend will realise when you go to the class and she discovers that your ds is in a different class.

I hate hate hate competitive mum friends and do my very best to not engage. I don't always succeed and I always end up feeling pointlessly annoyed.

Ds was recently awarded a non-academic scholarship (although he still had to pass the entrance exam to get it). Another parent commented that it was good I'd found something that ds was good at because 'it won't now matter that he isn't good academically'. Incredibly patronising (and wrong) but I didn't engage as I knew nothing good will come of it.

Original poster
heliumballoons · 07/04/2012 21:14

Hiss You may be onto something there. Her 2 DC's are incredably academic and musical. DS is not! I guess as a parent when your use to having a child who is always noticed because they are bright/ have talent it's a bit of a shock when suddenly they become Jo Average at something.

Congratulations to your DS. Grin What was it for?

OP posts:
lou2321 · 07/04/2012 21:19

I think you probably should have answered her briefly at the time as it would have saved you worrying after. I wouldn't say anything now, just plead ignorance if she mentions it, after all its none of her business but on the other hand you shouldn't have to hide your DSs achievements.

This happens all the time, there were a couple of mums at DS1s swimming lessons who were constantly telling the teacher how they had been on holiday and DC NEVER used a woggle or float etc so they didn't need to in their lesson. The teacher used to get quite frustrated and eventually told them that she swims at a high competition level and they still do float work to improve their technique! They were so competitive and very annoying!

scummymummy · 07/04/2012 21:19

How incredibly rude of the other parent, Hissboo. [buangry] [bushock] You did v v v well not to engage him/her with a big slap, imo!

lou2321 · 07/04/2012 21:25

Just read the x-posts. My DS1 is very academic and unfortunately for him it is in literacy which at his age (6) is very noticable and people comment a lot (sometimes nice sometimes not), I find myself telling everyone how rubbish he is at other stuff - ie physical stuff to completely be the opposite of competitive. I feel awful after I say things like that as I am proud of everything he does as long as he tries (he's not necessarily rubbish at them just not confident until he is 100% sure he can do it) .

For some reason you cannot be proud of your children openly and other people assume you are being competitive if you are.

Original poster
heliumballoons · 07/04/2012 21:31

I agree lou My DS is really struggling with literacy, I am honest about it, but seems like I also cannot be pleased that he seems to be good at swimming because somehow it's not fair he's been moved up groups. Sad

I am also proud of DS for trying, often more so than for achieving because somehow it seems more worthy iyswim? I totally get what you mean about trying too hard to be uncompetitive. Really fucked up this one doing it. Blush

Well done to your DS for being very good at literacy. It's a hard skill to learn, and often young boys learn them slower than girls. You should be proud.

OP posts:
lou2321 · 07/04/2012 21:39

I find its always good to talk to family to have a good old boast/proud moment, they are just as proud as you are and never think you are being competitive.

Thank you helium, maybe I should stop telling everyone his worst levels and just be proud, ha,ha!!!

Original poster
heliumballoons · 07/04/2012 22:54

yes do, lou2321

If I have learnt anything from this it is to be proud of any achievements. I am so proud of DS

OP posts:
Hissboo · 07/04/2012 23:33

Ds got a music scholarship. Having experienced the competitiveness for a number of years now I have learned that saying something in reply gets me nowhere. She also told me how amazing her dc was at music too. Fortunately ds's scholarship means a change in schools too. [busmile]

Hissboo · 07/04/2012 23:40

I don't think there is anything wrong in mentioning something your dcs have achieved. The competitiveness element comes if the response is to negate or dismiss what's been said. I'm hugely proud of my friends and their dcs achievements and appreciate the merit. If a friend tells me that their dc has done well in a dance competition I don't think it is a normal reaction to say how amazing your dc is at playing the recorder. Imo a normal reaction is to say well done.

Rhinosaurus · 08/04/2012 00:35

Oh for gods sake, we are talking your child is a better swimmer than hers?

Does it really matter in the big scheme of things? Just meet up and let her make te own conclusions! Is she doesn't like it, I wouldn't lose any sleep over it, she sounds like she would crow if it was vice versa.

Jinsei · 08/04/2012 00:48

I think you're making too much of a big deal of the issue tbh. I struggle to believe that she cares which group your DS is in. We are in a very similar situation to your friend, as dd is stuck on one swimming level while her friend has moved up two. It really isn't an issue except for the annoying fact that I no longer have anyone to talk to while dd swims.

DD's strengths lie elsewhere, and far from it being a shock to find something in which she is a bit of a "Joe average", it's actually quite a relief. :)

Original poster
heliumballoons · 08/04/2012 09:32

Jinsei Trust me, I wish there wasn't a deal about it and I could feel comfortable saying my DS moved up again. Unfortunately after the comments the first time I feel unable to be pleased for him in her company. But that's the point I'm pleased for him. It's not about me - the only hard work I have to do is find the money to pay for the lessons!

Anyway, friend rang me to say Happy Easter and thanked me for her DC's eggs. She said her DC1 was so excited DS would be swimming at 4.30pm with her again so I said, 'it will be great being there at the same time again but DS isn't going to be in your DC1 group'. She asked why so I said he'd been moved up to the next stage. She questioned how come he could swim at 4.30pm then as that group is on at 5.30pm so I said he'd gone up to the next stage from that one. She asked me why I'd led her to believe DS had gone back down and I said I hadn't meant to, but she had assumed that and after what she said it was difficult for me to say 'well actually DS has moved up again'.

Let's just say she wasn't happy and 'can't see whats so great about DS' swimming'.

Annoyingly she is one of my closest friends and this has never come up before so in order not to ruin a great friendship I am going to ignore and not engage. I really really hope she doesn't ruin a friendship over this. I may just move DS swimming lesson to another day so I don't have to engage in this with her at lessons.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 08/04/2012 09:43

It is her loss, honestly. What a ridiculous woman.

Why would anyone actually care about what level somebody else is on FFS. Surely all that matters is that one's own child is at the right level for them?

It's like the whole reading level thing. Pathetic.

Original poster
heliumballoons · 08/04/2012 09:46

I don't even know what reading level DS is on (book band wise Blush). I do knows he's 'lower end of average' though. Grin love parents evening me!

OP posts:
Hissboo · 08/04/2012 09:58

Helium that's a dreadful thing for your friend to say about your ds. I would see how things go before you move days.

Not engaging is definitely the best thing to do. It's hard though. It's taken me a long time to learn to bite my tongue where my friend is concerned and I've found that as our dcs have got older we see less and less of each other. Once ds moves school I doubt we will stay in touch even though our children are each other's oldest friends.

Original poster
heliumballoons · 08/04/2012 10:11

Thing is I know her well. I know that in reality it's not about how good my DS may be but more about her DC1 not being at the same standard in the eyes of the teachers. ( her DC1 is 11 months older - they are same school year). She thinks her DC1 is.

There's no point asking me why DS is in a higher stage, I have no idea about swimming standards - as I say - that's why I pay someone who does. Smile

I will go along Wednesday and keep chat to everyday things. If it does get too much I will move him days (spaces permitting).

OP posts:
headinhands · 08/04/2012 10:25

I have had stuff like this too where I've not corrected someone who assumed something falsely so can understand why you just left it. Is it because by correcting her it feels like you might come across as equally competitive?

All I can suggest is if she mentions the coffee again before the next lesson suggest you will sit in on this lesson as it's his first time in that particular group and also mention how thrilled you are with his progress in swimming as you were getting concerned about his chances of getting into Oxbridge with such poor swimming credentials.

headinhands · 08/04/2012 10:28

And while we're on the subject, I could swim before any of you could ;)

Hissboo · 08/04/2012 10:29

I would try not to dwell on it. There are some parents who will never be happy unless their dcs are achieving more than their peers. I feel sorry for those dcs as they live with that pressure and then have to deal with their own and their parents' disappointment if they don't achieve. I think it is better to be proud of your dcs achievements rather than comparing them and judging them against their peers.

Ds is naturally exceptionally talented in some areas but as far as I'm concerned it is about him enjoying life and having fun rather than having pressure on him to succeed.

Original poster
heliumballoons · 08/04/2012 10:30

head Grin Cafe is at side of pool so have coffee and watch/ chat all at once iyswim? Yes your right about why I didn't correct - it just felt like whatever I said would come across wrong/ competitive/ bragging. I do not want to engage.

PMSL @ Oxbridge - don't you actually need to be academic for that too? If so she will know instantly I'm taking the piss - and hopefully find it funny!

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DinahMoHum · 08/04/2012 10:32

she just thinks hes been moved back down rather than moved up. Dont worry about it

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