Teenage DDshocking behaviour. I cant cope anymore!

[smartyq]

I have been reading other threads people have put on regarding their own teenagers...i am so pleased im not the only one!
My daugters behaviour has always been bad. I have made excuses for it from an early age ie/ the split and divorce between myself and her dad. Selling a=the family home and moving away, meeting my now husband, the birth of my sons..untill now i seriously think it is more than that.
She regularly goes off on one at the drop of a hat, screaming shouting throwing things banging and kicking doors. She has now started to bunk off school. She is lying to her friends parents about her home situation, and has always given my husband a very hard time. Close friends and family have always sypthised with her but now i think she has burnt all her bridges now.
She has started at the high school in sept and has met a whole new group of friends which seem to be encoraging this challenging behaviour. She cOnstantly starts row when they are here. comes home late and lets her friends listen to telephone conversations when she is being told off.
After having some time away from home and stopping with family after the last bunking off incident, we sat down made a list of how we can make living together work and be happy. We sat down and went through the items one by one and talked them through. hhurrah i thought finnaly we are getting somewhere....to no avail she was back to being a horrible spoilt manipultive girl who would not do what she was asked. during this talk we decided that a kerfew should be in place 9pm during school night and time and 10 pm holidays and weekends. she texted yesterday at 9.50 to say she was just having dinner and her b/friend mum would drop her back.
Needless to say i went and collected her and after another row in the car and again this morning she had arrange to see her dad (first time in 2 years)
I filled him in what had been going on and that i can no longer cope, i myself am not well having various tests, and have 2 younger children. within 10 min of getting in her dads car she had kicked off on me via the phone because i wouldnt let her b'friend go back with her to her dads to stay the week!
am i really a bad parent??? taking phone/tv/money doesnt bother her. our friends dont come round as much because 9/10 she will kick off and embarrass us. i lie to other friends and people at work about how she is getting on. she is frightening my sons friends when they come over to play. HHEEELLLPPP

I don't have any advice other than to say my sister was a horrid teenager, really really angry a lot of the time BUT is the most fantastic adult. When she finally grew out of it she was, and is, fab. Don't lose faith... I just hope it's not a long road for you.

Does it matter exactly how old she is? In any case, she's over 13. Which makes it wholly unacceptable.

I have much younger children but from what I have read on the teen board, you need to set clear rules, stick to them and refuse to engage in the texting, nastiness that your dd is sending your way. I would continue to remove priviledges such as phone credit etc until she shows she is sticking to your house rules. Refuse to engage in shouting matches, be calm and pleasant but firm. I know this sounds impossible and i sympathise massively but you are being consistent and firm.

No it does not make you a bad parent. You have to be extremely strict. Run an extremely tight ship from now on. No luxuries no spoiling her no excuses. I would seriously consider putting just a bed in her room until she behaves like a human. You are right to chase her up all the time. Right now on this track there is every possibility of her coming home pregnant. So don't be lax.

If it helps I was a terrible teen but I'm okay now with a degree and a nice person.

Aribura - it does matter how old she is. Her age will depend on the best way to deal with it.

Of course it matters how old she is, Aribura! What a strange thing to say.

OP, have you noticed her moods and behaviour are worse at certain times of the month?

Didn't know you could "just start high school" at 19, my mistake.

Our dd strops at the slightest thing and it does feel like it's a constant battle. I feel your pain. Is she 12/13? I wouldn't be allowing a boyfriend to stay over either. I don't blame you for how you feel or with your rules. Children need boundaries. Hopefully someone can give you more advice x

I noticed in the middle of the post that she was seeing her dad today for the first time in two years.That must be a very big event for her, and possibly you as well?
I would have thought that would affect her in a big way,even if she doesnt realise it, and this may have affected how she stuck to the new rules.
This may not excuse previous behaviour, but could seriously throw her off her new course right now.

Why hasn't she seen her Dad for 2 years?

Aribura - In england you start high/secondary school at 11 going on 12. So following using 'starting high school' as the guide, she could be not quite be a teemager. OP could you clarify ageas different countries start high school at different ages.

Thank you all so much for all of your comments and messages. she has just turned 15. but to be honest she has been badly behaved fro a long while, we put it down to pre pmt, then pmt and now its just all the time.
her dad lives 50 miles away, and over the past 6/7 years has been less and less in her life, another excuse and reason we blame her behaviour. He actaully remebered her birthday this year (via facebook) and when he rang to say happy b.day she arranged for her to visit. little did we know what she was plotting!!
i am sure the school have us down as terrible parents, but my sons seem to be able to behave themselves and know their boundires etc, and the youngest is 2!!

The sons who are living, and have regular contact, with their father are better behaved? Well, blow me down.

Does she have anyone she can talk to about how she feels?

To be honest my first thought is whilest she is misbehaving like this

She shouldn't be going out at the weekend let alone on school nights

Personally she may have to much freedom ringing you and telling yu what time she will be hime shows she thinks she is a adult

She is a child and needs to be set boundires when she is out I would start by removing everything form her room apart from a change of boaring clothing, school uniform bed and bedding and school stuff everything has to be earned back

All phones,lap tops, I pods should be earned back and not freely availed regrardless of the behaviour and I personally would make a appointment with the school and let them know what your planning to do so she dosent go back and spin them a line

Can I just say my sons father has never wanted to see my son and he dose not behave in this way no exuse

Mine are 13 and 17 and believe me it is difficult enough when everything is right for them.

Although I have teenagers I don't understand the stuff about friends listening to her being told off on the phone.

It sounds as though she has been through a lot: broken home, sale of home, your new partner, new half siblings a change of schools, a father who seems to have rejected her for a large part of her life - a heck of a lot for a 15 year old to cope with. Their lives are hard without all of that.

Have you thought of getting a referral to CAMHs (child and adolescent mental health services). I think you can do this via school or your GP?

On the one hand, teenagers do start rows; on the other I think you need to stop blaming the circumstances for her behaviour and start reflecting on the circumstances and putting in mechanisms to help her to cope with them. Under no circumstances should the boy friend be staying with her at her more or less estranged father's unless you are absolutely certain that he will maintain sexual boundaries between the two of them.

Growing up, I was in the same position as your dd. My behaviour was not like your dds though,I had my moments but not like you describe. My background was not an excuse for misbehaving when I was young. I thought my mum was really harsh, but it kept me on track and she was loving with it (not saying your not, just pointing out mum wasn't a bitch:) ). Luckily I took it in my stride,no idea if it was my mum or just because. So i can't give you advice from experience. It seems your dd isn't taking it well (no shame in that), have you thought of professional help?

I'd probably put a stop to the going out on school nights. She is in her GCSE years and doesn't need to go out in the evenings, during the week - she needs to spend less time with 'friends' who encourage her bad behaviour.

Try to get regular contact with her dad, if you can and if it's possible, agree some ground rules so that he supports your parenting and doesn't undermine you, by giving her all her own way.

She has had a lot of upheaval - divorce, moving, step father, new half siblings, no dad of her own. Not surprised she is struggling, but it's not on to behave as she is.

I would tell her that I love her a lot, but would have no hesitation in grounding her and removing phone/money etc if she is rude and disobedient.
Be consistent and calm - you did a good thing in talking about rules and problems with her, so keep that up.

Hopefully, she will grow out of it.

Is there anyone she can talk to, outside of the immediate family, who will give her additional support?

I actually feel really sorry for your daughter , she is 15 , in the last 15 years her parents have split up , her mother has remarried and had other children and her father has been useless .
Get her some counselling and let her vent all her pent up anger at someone who is neutral and can take it .
You are not a bad parent and teenagers can be hell on earth , so dont think i dont feel sorry for you too
When times have been tough with DS1 , i have resorted to communicating by text , using humour to bring him round , 9/10 i get a 'sorry' and a 'i love you mum'.
Do not let her drive other people away with her behaviour , if i were you i would allow your friends to say 'how rude' or whatever to her . When DS1 was going through a spectaculary hideous phase when he was 13 ish , i used to ring my best friend and walk away from his hissy fit , describing what he was doing/saying to her . He hated this , he knew his behaviour was unreasonable and he hated the fact that my friend who he loves was party to it , often i would put him on the phone to her and she would read him the riot act in a ' unconditional positive regard ' sort of way .
Just out of interest how much time do you spend with your daughter the devil incarnate on a one to one basis ?

I have spoken to our GP about it being a pmt matter but really didnt get any where with it. but will persue the CAMHs
her school are givging her mentoring, and some sort of anger managment. i think there is a massive influence to be badly behaved with this group of friends as she says she is popular and known as a "Bad Man"??!
although she now has this new group of friends she hardly sees friends from her middle school or primary.
i offer to do things just me and her and to spend time with her, she is not interested unless its to take her shopping for something she wants me to buy or if a friend can come along. going to pick a dvd to watch is out of the question.
when she wants to be she is a joy to have around funny, lovable great company,chatty great sence of hummour. but we only see that side to her 20% of the time.. again when she wants us to do something for her or she wants something she knows we will say no to.
With regards to her own father, i have the same conversation every time.. you need to be consistant with her, you need to back us up with our own parenting etc i dont think he is adult enough to be honest. the last time she went she kicked off big time (a side they have not seen for a while) deeply upset her grandparents and had to come home earlier than arranged.
i am not saying i am a fantastic mum, and its great to read that im not the only one out there suffering, i guess its just reasurence i am looking for and admitting the fact that i have got to go down the avenue of mental health issues

I was an absolute nightmare teen, my dad left when I was 10 and left my mum with me and 3 siblings. I was a total daddies girl and I think it hit me hardest. Especially as we didn't have any contact with my dad from when I was 12-16.

I was a bitch to my mum, I'd skip school have blazing rows with my whole family. Bully my younger brother and sister, go out and stay out all night without telling anyone(this was before mobiles were widely used. I'm seriously surprised my mother and other family members still talk to me.

However I am now 31 and have a brilliant relationship with my family and have done since I 'grew up' it just takes time I know for me I was feeling a lot of resentment and blaming my mum for my dad leaving (it was in no way her fault) and this fuelled a lot of the arguments. Just keep doing what you're doing, it seems to me like you're doing a grand job. she'll realise one day that everything you did was inevitably for her well being and hopefully will appreciate it.

Dad lives 50 miles away - did you move away or did he? Assuming you moved in 15 years she will have been to 4 school (1st X 2, middle and high school) I know big assumption there that she was in a first school when you moved.

If you moved you went 50 miles from her friends and dad (yes dad is crap for not making the effort) then you moved in a new man and had two more children, you don't mention their ages she could be stuck with a couple of annoying bratish kids or a couple of todlers.

With regards to her own father, i have the same conversation every time.. you need to be consistant with her, you need to back us up with our own parenting etc

So her step father's parenting is more important than her own dads?

I bet she feels like she is being pushed out of her family, she has not seen dad for 2 years and has to share mum with three others.

Get her some counselling.