Teenage DDshocking behaviour. I cant cope anymore!

[smartyq]

I have been reading other threads people have put on regarding their own teenagers...i am so pleased im not the only one!
My daugters behaviour has always been bad. I have made excuses for it from an early age ie/ the split and divorce between myself and her dad. Selling a=the family home and moving away, meeting my now husband, the birth of my sons..untill now i seriously think it is more than that.
She regularly goes off on one at the drop of a hat, screaming shouting throwing things banging and kicking doors. She has now started to bunk off school. She is lying to her friends parents about her home situation, and has always given my husband a very hard time. Close friends and family have always sypthised with her but now i think she has burnt all her bridges now.
She has started at the high school in sept and has met a whole new group of friends which seem to be encoraging this challenging behaviour. She cOnstantly starts row when they are here. comes home late and lets her friends listen to telephone conversations when she is being told off.
After having some time away from home and stopping with family after the last bunking off incident, we sat down made a list of how we can make living together work and be happy. We sat down and went through the items one by one and talked them through. hhurrah i thought finnaly we are getting somewhere....to no avail she was back to being a horrible spoilt manipultive girl who would not do what she was asked. during this talk we decided that a kerfew should be in place 9pm during school night and time and 10 pm holidays and weekends. she texted yesterday at 9.50 to say she was just having dinner and her b/friend mum would drop her back.
Needless to say i went and collected her and after another row in the car and again this morning she had arrange to see her dad (first time in 2 years)
I filled him in what had been going on and that i can no longer cope, i myself am not well having various tests, and have 2 younger children. within 10 min of getting in her dads car she had kicked off on me via the phone because i wouldnt let her b'friend go back with her to her dads to stay the week!
am i really a bad parent??? taking phone/tv/money doesnt bother her. our friends dont come round as much because 9/10 she will kick off and embarrass us. i lie to other friends and people at work about how she is getting on. she is frightening my sons friends when they come over to play. HHEEELLLPPP

This just be hard. I was a terrible teen and spent a lot of time feeling 'misunderstood' did not have a mobile etc so penalties did not work. What did work was a VERY strict unwavering mother - no tears worked on her. She laid the rules and if breached i got silent treatment and was ignored with plenty of reproachful looks thrown in. A few crocodile tears from mum and I was busy towing the line, till the next time I kicked off. Does that help in any way?
Honestly though it does sound like you have been soft on her on account of what you have 'put her through', is that right? If there is any guilt lurking - kill it.
And yes like a another poster said - have faith. I have turned into my own mother according to my mother - compliment from her but worrying for me

She is allowed to be out 7 nights per week? wow.

I am not the parent of a teenager, but I am amazed at all her freedom. Do you let her stay out so she is out of your way and you wont have to deal with her?
Is it easier to just set her up to "fail" at home time so you have drama, rather than actually parent her?

What is her relationship with your dp like?
Does she feel loved? Does she feel that she has a home at yours, rather than a roof over her head?

How have you tackled the "bad crowd" she is in, and the poor influence at her school?

Is it possible that, by excusing her behaviour, she thinks you don't care? Also, letting her stay with relatives when thing are tough will could re-enforce her belief that she is being 'pushed out'.

You could be writing about me as a teenager op.

My mum and stepdad (i had never met my real dad) split the year i started high school and i went off the rails in a big way.

I hated everyone, except my friends and boyfriend. I was vile to my mum and her new partner, i caused arguements and shouted, screamed and said the most horrid things.

I stopped going to school and eventually was asked to leave, despite everyones best efforts. I smoked, i drank, i moved in with my drug dealer boyfriend - i was horrid.

Now i look back at 36 and realise i was scared and frightened and i just didn't know how to tell anyone or help myself i was so confused, so i played up.

Please have faith in your dd she loves you i'm sure and is just a mixed up kid who doesn't know how to express herself and probably doesn't want to let anyone in. It's so much easy to push everyone way than explain how sad and scared you are, and she might not even realise herself how sad and scared she is.

It's not going to be easy, but it will get better - maybe not for a while - but it will. My mum and i have the most wonderful relationship now and she is the most amazing nanny to my dds. It will be ok in the end i am sure.

Hi, I can totally relate to how you must be feeling,my now 19yr old son went through a terrible stage when he was 14 and up..... I dont think I had ever felt so stressed out in my whole life over it...just like you I put bad behaviour down to me and his father having split etc, no matter what I did he was just a constant nightmare it was as if he was pushing the boundries all the time smoking drinking hanging out with the wrong kind of people no matter what i put in place he pushed it further...then there was all the door banging shouting swearing...All I can really say to you is stand strong make ground rules with her and stick with them I found when my son was shouting at me I just walked away from him because he couldnt have an argument with himself...its horrible and its almost as if they are testing you...now the good news they come out of it at the other side and now I have a placid loving son again, just dont ever give up on her there may be many times you will feel like it because I really did just feel like giving up....but this time will pass I promise you just stay strong

I went through pretty much all she did as a child, with an abusive father too. I didn't cause trouble as a teen and I think it was because my mum always had high expectations. She said my past was no excuse for ruining my future. I also went to a good single sex school with high expectations where low achievers were mocked rather than high achievers.

I've gone from abused child of a broken home to qualified accountant and I really believe its to do with not being allowed to behave badly and then have excuses made.

I don't have any advice for how you tackle her now she's got to this stage though. She sounds sad, angry and maybe worried she's part of an old life that you don't want any more.

I agree with others about counselling if poss as this might just allow her to face up and deal with any anger she has over past events.

I had a sister 7 years younger than me and I really had no time for her(poor sis, we are close now), well who wants to mix with 6 year olds when you are 13. Your DD has a couple of very attention consuming little step brothers - not what I would have wanted around either at that age.

Also, when you are that age and have an image amongst your gang of friends, the 'Bad Man', it's very hard to stop and change it without losing face and looking stupid. 'OH,yeah, my mother isn't evil personified after all she's really nice and I was behaving like a spoilt brat'

Just wondered why you don't mention DH much. Perhaps she thinks he doesn't care.

Oh bless her, she?s crying for attention the only way she knows how.

She wants your attention OP and is obviously not getting it hence why she made contact with her Father after 2 years.

She probably feels 3rd on your list of priorities after your other children and DH.
Could you arrange a day out or a weekend away together (just the two of you)

it might take a while to break down her barriers but deep down she?s still a little girl wanting her Mums time and affection.

Is there any chance you have put 'your new family' above her?

I'm not saying conciously but she sounds like she is crying out for attention.

and to an above poster coming home pregnant is not the worst thing in the world, coming home a drug addict, hanging round with bad people etc I think I'd be more worried about.

Does your daughter feel loved? What's all this about 'having some time away from home'? That sounds a bit off - why/how would that happen? Wouldn't that reinforce her feeling unloved.

Why is she going out on school nights? Why are her friends coming round on school nights?

With respect, OP, your post is all about how her behaviour affects you. Does she understand the damage she is doing to her own future?

My step daughter was/is exactly like this. She's got a 6mo boy now at age 17. I researched the behaviour thing when she started acting up at 13.

It's an exceptionally difficult situation & isn't much better now. DH and I tried to spend as much time with her as possible (she lives with mum) and also DH on his own but she would arrange dates to either cone & stay or to go out & do stuff (even just lunch) & she would just not turn up. For that reason it was impossible to have any effect on her behaviour.

She's a "grown up" now and still acts like a 13 year old only getting in touch when she wants something and never answering the phone when we call and still arranging to meet but not turning up. Unless she needs money or a CV writing for her (the latest one).

Good luck OP, I really feel for you and I hope you can find a way to improve things.

Just read through your post. Where have you said one nice thing about her?
Show her how much you love her and find things to praise her for.And above all LISTEN to her
did you really need to show her up by going to collect her from her boyfriend's parents house?She had rung to say she was going to be late.I would have thanked her for letting me know and asked her to put the mum on to clarify about the arrangements for getting her home.
She is 15.she is going to do what she wants regarding sex drugs drinking regardless of what you do.It is out of your control really.All you can do is provise her with a moral framework and support even if she does mess up.

I disagree I think at 15 a mother can control those things. I also think the OP was right to go pick her up when she said she was going to be late. She wasn't where she said she was.

DPrince -can i ask you how old your DC are?

..and how you intend to stop them drinking, having sex and smoking dope if that's what they're hell benton doing? You can't! And if you think you can you are very naive.

I think you need to be listening to her, supporting her, spending time with her, being positive to her, encouraging her, being affectionate to her and showing her how much you love her. She sounds desperate for attention and bottom of the pile. Can you ask her nicely how you can imporove things? What does she think would make your relationship better? What would she want to do with you activity wise and on which night of the week?

Spend an hour going through amazon looking for self help books for you both. There are planty on how to make teenage-parent relationships better.

• whatever, a down to earth guide to parenting teenagers -alison baverstock and gill hines
• rob parsons book called teenagers
• Ross Campbells book - how to really love your teen
• Jane Canfield - chicken soup for the teenage soul stories of life love and learning (for your DD)

ayerobot

absent parents are NO excuse for the girls behaviour, my Dad disapeared when i was 12wks old and I never behaved like that despite much younger siblings who had a Dad around.

so sorry your struggling op x

I will say again, it is hard enough to deal with teenagers when everything is right. When they live in the house they were brought home to as babies, when they have two stable parents, when they have attended the same school since they were 7 and are now 17, when they have everything going for them and know they are adored and have firm boundaries recalls conversation with dh today about ds's smoking and how clamping down on it will do more harm than good Like neither of us smoked. If all he brings home is a packet of Marlborough Lights we will be relieved.

The OP's daughter needs love and support in spades and so does the OP. Teenagers are hard - dd is launching towards 14 [help emoticon]

I was a terrible teenager. Just awful. Very angry, and quite manipulative to be honest. I regularly stayed out past my curfew and did all sorts of slightly wild things. I was terribly bored with life in general. I was breezing through school, andfelt a need to be interesting/rebellious in some way. Could this be a thought? I was such a good, easy child according to my parents, until then. I have since struggled with my self esteem, and I do wonder if these were related? To a certain extent, the rebellion got the reactoo
I needed/wanted, and by the time I was 17 and left home for Uni, it had rather passed. I know it must be hard, but is it worth waiting it out a while? I dread DD getting to that stage, so you have my sympathies.

My kids are 1 and 7. Although I don't see what this has to do with anything. As I said earlier, I am looking at this from the dds point of view, as that's the position I have been in, not the OPs. I believe that kids can be steered in the right direction (controlled) is to strong a word. I think this girl is acting out because she
wants a reaction that shows her mum cares. Being involved with a local branch of a national charity (not specifically aimed at these issues but legal issues that have arisen from it being in these situations) I have dealt with quiet a few people (from teens up) that have gone down these routes. So while my children aren't at that age I do have experience.
Yes, some kids go 'off the rails' when everything is right. But in this situation saying 'well I can't stop her' is only going to enforce her belief that she is not important.

Sorry that's meant to say 'controlled is too strong a word' in brackets not (controlled)

I think this thread is also (just as an aside) very relevant for those of us with younger children. Steering a child in the right direction should be done a lot younger, even young children need values, and learn the difference between right and wrong, and how to behave in an acceptable way, and why. Starting this when the child is a teen, and already "off the rails" is a little like locking the door after the horse has bolted, right?

Imagine all the "annoying" things your 5,6,7 year old does, like not listening to you, disrespecting you, doing the opposite of what they are told, "forgetting" what they are meant to be doing. Etc. Then think about the same behavior in a teen, clearly if they are not listening, doing their own thing, etc, it is because they have not learnt otherwise? Or am I way off the mark? (If so, please educate me, my oldest will be 10 this month..... )

Our personalities are a random mix of nature and nurture and if unplanned things happen in a family, such as a divorce or anything else under the sun, the nature of the child, or their age, or their place in the family, means that that can affect their behaviour or not affect their behaviour.

Criticising the OP, who is obviously anxious and concerned and doing her utmost to help her daughter, is unfair with so little information.

Quint, don't think it's quite works that way. I was a very well behaved child, almost too well behaved. When I reached 15/16, I turned into the teen from hell for my parents. My excuse is that I'd been bullied constantly for the entire 5yrs of high school. My parents knew but never tried to help. It started by playing truant, taking overdoses, culminating in running away and leaving home at 16. I just felt so desperately sad, the pressure of being under attack for so long just got too much.

I have an ok relationship with them now but just really see them as 'fair weather friends', I'd never go to them if I needed any help as I know they wouldn't!

The OPs child isn't being bullied but she may be dealing with past hurts and maybe her friends are a better sounding board than her mum at this moment in time.