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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To DIE inside when DS misbehaves somewhere and worry that others are judging me?

77 replies

slatternlymother · 07/04/2012 19:12

DS is 18mo and reaching that charming age where tiny things send him into a tailspin and "no" is his favourite word.

Today, we were at an Easter party where you could meet the Easter Bunny and he was fine until it just got a bit much. I was late with giving him a snack and he was starving because we'd had lunch really early and tbh I just dropped the ball a bit and forgot.

Anyway, cue massive rolling on the floor style tantrum, with me trying to move things out of his thrashing trajectory. I just wanted to DIE. I felt like everyone was watching me and judging me on how I dealt with it and thinking 'why can't she keep him under control?'

He's normally such a placid, quiet chap and I HATE seeing him turn into this raging monster. I'm still blushing inside. [bublush]

OP posts:

SkinnyVanillaLatte · 08/04/2012 09:23

Trollop that made me laugh .

I can remember struggling to shove encourage my eldest into the buggy,on a busy high street,while heavily pregnant.Then the buggy overbalanced,with the bags hanging on the back,all the shopping fell out,and it was just awful....Lots of catsbum faces,but no one helped.

It was all I could do not to straighten myself up and shout at everyone to 'Just FUCK off' in my very own tantrum. Kind of wish I had done now!

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 08/04/2012 09:30

I wish I had put mine in time out at a young age.

heliumballoons · 08/04/2012 09:39

Sounds like your DS is a typical 18mo.

I agree with everyone (especially post) that often the embarassment is more about how we feel than what others are thinking.

I once was dealing with DS having a tantrum over nothing! a chair not being where he though it should be. I was dying inside dealing with it, thinking everyone must be judging me. When calm was restored and DS realised park benches really are concreted into the ground! I looked up to see 3 other children tantrumming on the floor, one being carpet rolled carried from the park and 2 others in tears getting over a tantrum. I gave the mums a pleasant and empathetic smile. 2 glared back, 2 smiled back and 1 spoke to me and 6 years later we are very good friends and our DS' play together beautifully every week.

QuickLookBusy · 08/04/2012 09:41

I would never judge a parent whose 18mth old was having a tantrum.

I would however think "wtf" if they threatened a toddler with "timeout"

It is in no way appropriate for a child of that age. They will not understand what you are trying to do.

Just move them/distract them/change the environment.

heliumballoons · 08/04/2012 09:51

Thing is 'time out' does work for some children that age. It did for DS and I didn't have to use it from when he was about 3yo because just the threat warning was enough.

littlemslazybones · 08/04/2012 10:27

I wonder if those who hoik their judgy pants the highest feel more compelled to perform for the imaginary judging audience when out and about with their children? Are they more anxious than the rest of us with the parenting bar set so high? Or do they have teflon-coated forcefield to deflect the (imagined/ actual) judging gaze? Can I buy one?

DustyDen · 08/04/2012 11:19

I'm kind of worried now, that my attempts at smiling sympathetically are being mistaken as disgust/judgypants!

TheOriginalNutcracker · 08/04/2012 11:23

I have a 9yr old that has tantrums and the looks i get are really upsetting. Ds has some currently undiagnosed issues though, but obviously to look at him, no one would know and so they judge away.

One nice man did once squeeze my shoulder and say 'dont worry, we've all been there' when ds was having a huge tantrum in a bookshop and i was trying to manhandle him out. They might be because i looked like i was about to cry.

AllDirections · 08/04/2012 12:12

Trollop Then there was the time my son wouldn't get in the buggy. I literally had to push his middle down with all my strength to stop him arching his back so I could strap him up.

Isn't this standard practice with toddlers? :o

Or maybe just mine

somedayma · 08/04/2012 12:13

I would definitely judge you. But that's because I don't have kids. When I do have kids, I know I'll regret judging parents of tantrumy kids

heliumballoons · 08/04/2012 12:27

AllDirections My DS definately thought this was standard practice until I convinced him it was standard practice to eat chocolate buttons in a pushchair and no where else.

QuickLookBusy · 08/04/2012 12:34

Thing is 'time out' does work for some children that age. It did for DS and I didn't have to use it from when he was about 3yo because just the threat warning was enough.

The fact the threat of timeout worked when he was 3, shows he understood it at that age. The fact the threat of timeout didn't work when he was a young toddler proves he didn't understand.

Truely an 18mth old does not understand the concept of timeout. You are better off just removing him and doing something else with him.

Using timeout you are removing him and expecting him to sit on a step for a short time. He will have no idea why you are making him sit on that step. Not a clue.

SimoneD · 08/04/2012 12:40

Timeout for an 18 month old. Im really shocked by this.
Ive got an 18 month old - the mind boggles at trying to enforce something like this at her age. If Id have heard your DH say that to your toddler I would have been WTAF!!

DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 08/04/2012 12:46

Aww OP been there, done that and don't judge others harshly when these awful situations.

I find the ones who do judge harshly are often new to the game of parenthood and their child hasn't reached tantrums yet. Or their children are now grown up and they've forgotten how bad it can be.

heliumballoons · 08/04/2012 12:52

Thing is I tried distraction with DS - it failed! He would want to know why he couldn't have/do what he wanted but when cross discussing it was not the time. 'time out' was a bean bag where he sat and this calmed him down. I totally agree he probably didn't understand the concept - but the actual action worked iyswim? He knew he was there to calm down and have some time out though. I wouldn't use time for not handholding - that's what the pushchair was for.

I guess time out is thought of as 'supernanny' style. The actual implementation of it will work differently for different children because they are all different.

littlemslazybones · 08/04/2012 13:02

DustyDen, 'I'm kind of worried now, that my attempts at smiling sympathetically are being mistaken as disgust/judgypants!'

Only if you suck in your cheeks, raise an eyebrow and the recoil slightly as though you were being assaulted by a bad smell

DustyDen · 08/04/2012 14:28

[sobs] That's just my natural face!

littlemslazybones · 08/04/2012 16:42

Are you Kate Moss?

Debeez · 08/04/2012 17:26

We've all been there OP. Keep going with the Timeout if it works for you. I used it with my son from when he could walk, timeout being removed and then having to sit quietly for 30 seconds before going on with our business. Not a tried and tested method mind just worked for us. Doesn't sound long but I'm sure 30 seconds is AGES for a toddler who wants to run and lick cats/eat dirt/ play on stairs.

The removal showed the behavior wasn't acceptable and removed further opportunity to continue, and the word "timeout" soon came with the association of being removed and not being allowed to play. Never tried it with tantrums mind, he's one of those funny children that preferred to give the silent treatment, still does.

tiktok · 08/04/2012 17:56

Time out does not work for an 18 month old except as a chance to calm down and de-stress a bit - and it can be effective, because sometimes toddlers get wound up and they need to chill. The idea of using it at this age as a form of discipline, and threatening a toddler of this age with it is making huge assumptions about what they can understand....very misplaced in my non-judgmental opinion :)

Original poster

slatternlymother · 08/04/2012 19:31

I wasn't actually asking for an opinion on time out, or what people think about it; I was asking about tantrums as I identified in my OP.

Thanks for all the kind words of advice though!

OP posts:

DairyNips · 08/04/2012 19:38

I don't know why everyone is going on about time out! I started using it with my ds 2 a few months before he was 2 as he definitely did understand and was biting his bro! He's quite a good talker though, just turned 2 and talks in sentences, not bragging, just saying why he could understand.. I think as the parent you will know what is most effective.

Anyway, I hope you take the good bits from this thread which are that your ds is totally normal and you shouldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks

PurpleRomanesco · 08/04/2012 21:17

Oh don't be silly of course timeout works for some 18 month olds, It did for my DS. He had a chance to calm down and it was a clear indicator when he was doing something dangerous or naughty (for want of a better word) if I mentioned timeout.

You may think it's not right for your children and that they wouldn't understand but it does work great for other children.

heliumballoons · 08/04/2012 21:28

Glad to hear it's worked for others too. (time out that is).

OP. It sounds like your doing everything you can but 18 months olds and 2,3,4,5,6 yo you get my drift! can be relentless in their mission to get what ^they^ want.

Just remember most people watching on will have had or will have children doing the same - and all of them would have been 18 months at some point - and the ones who convenienty forget that aren't worth the stress about.

kingbeat23 · 08/04/2012 21:44

I think that when DD was having her tantrums at 18mo, I did die inside and think people were judging me. Now? I couldn't give a monkeys.

I second the distraction thing working ALOT for me. DD went through a stage of tantruming EVERY night on the way home from work/nursery and having to get on a crowded bus with her was so draining, but toys, snacks and singing songs have managed to get me through, sometimes it doesn't work and sometimes I can't stand it.

It's got better now her speech has developed enough to be able to tell me somewhat enough to explain why she is crying/tantruming and has moved out fo the stage of violently banging her head on the floor.

In the end we were referred to a psychologist who explained that after a tantrum the body releases a hormone that comforts you, almost like after having a big old cry and you get that feeling of release. That made me think on how frustrating it must be, to be at that age when you want to control your world aroud you and to be constantly be told no but not understand the reasons why.

Getting down on her level and talking her through the reasons sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. Sometimes letting her think she's won the battle but actually getting her to do what I want anyway is a good one (a classic example of our morning battle - do you want to get into the buggy or shall mummy put you in?) and having a pack of raisins/fruit/drink/whatever in my bag at all times is a good one for when you're out and have got to the point of where they're starving tantrums.

I wouldn't be judging, I would be thanking it wasn't her this time though!

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