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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To DIE inside when DS misbehaves somewhere and worry that others are judging me?

77 replies

slatternlymother · 07/04/2012 19:12

DS is 18mo and reaching that charming age where tiny things send him into a tailspin and "no" is his favourite word.

Today, we were at an Easter party where you could meet the Easter Bunny and he was fine until it just got a bit much. I was late with giving him a snack and he was starving because we'd had lunch really early and tbh I just dropped the ball a bit and forgot.

Anyway, cue massive rolling on the floor style tantrum, with me trying to move things out of his thrashing trajectory. I just wanted to DIE. I felt like everyone was watching me and judging me on how I dealt with it and thinking 'why can't she keep him under control?'

He's normally such a placid, quiet chap and I HATE seeing him turn into this raging monster. I'm still blushing inside. [bublush]

OP posts:
5inthebed · 07/04/2012 20:05

At 18 months it wouldn't even cross my mind to judge, but that is because I've been there and worn the t-shirt three times.

Try not to pay attention to the people around you when your DS goes on like that. You'll probably find that amongst those people staring a few will be smiling back in complete sympathy and understanding.

R2PeePoo · 07/04/2012 20:23

Take a book or magazine in your bag, you might as well do something for yourself whilst they get on with it. Occasionally look at your small child and say something along the lines of 'when you have calmed down we'll have a lovely cuddle' and get back to your reading. Or tuck them under your arm and move them to a less busy spot and let them get on with it there.

DS is very good at getting cross and is growing out of it a bit now. I don't judge others, I just try and edge out of earshot. I reckon most people are looking because its something more interesting than looking at duvet covers and the rest are silently thinking 'thank fuck mine are older/its not me dealing with it'. Only a tiny percentage will be actually judging.

DD (6) is more likely to embarrass me now (I found out she had been telling people that DH doesn't like me to wear knickers in bed FFS).

edwinbear · 07/04/2012 20:42

I used to worry about it, DS (2.8) is also a handful and I have had to stop going to several music groups where he spent most of the class running about, playing with the photocopier in the hall, legging it out of the room, having a FIT because I wouldn't carry him to the 'Grand Old Duke of York' when heavily pregnant with a bad prolapse etc etc. Then I met another mum who told me about her DS of a similar age, who would repeatedly turn off the tape recorder they used at a particular class and my DS didn't seem so bad. This was about 6 months ago and he is far, far better behaved these days.

butterflyexperience · 07/04/2012 20:49

Oh yeah, I know that feeling.

Still get it and they are 4 & 2 now Confused

CoffeeDog · 07/04/2012 20:51

I tokk the kids out on my own to a shopping centre on a saturday... they were 5 and 2x2.5

ALL 3 threw massive screaming fits because i wouldn't buy them some shiny tat.... I had one against whs window one agaisnt h samuels and 1 against sony shop window... Ooooo i got many a comment 50/50 good/bad most said they wouldn't / couldn't do that in a shopping centre???? ALL 3 got up said sorry had a hug and we went on our way holding hands nicley.

I try to have a chat with the harrased mum with a screaming todlar, as i remember that somtimes that was the only adult i use to talk to that day ;)

dribbleface · 07/04/2012 20:52

gargula that sounds like my ds1, everything is poo head or bum face at the moment! Blush

saladsandwich · 07/04/2012 20:57

my 3 year old is going through a stage of tantrums particularly when we are out, people naturally look but i pretend i don't give a chuff and i just gawp back

marriedinwhite · 07/04/2012 21:06

OP - mine are 13 and 17 now. If I saw a child tantrumming and the child's parents dealing firmly and kindly as your dh did at the park - I would think lucky child, well done parents - all will be fine there.

At our local shopping centre yesterday I heard a mother turn around and say to a three or four year old "you **ing telling me you don't want one" - can only imagine the future ahead for that child.

Bohica · 07/04/2012 21:08

My finest hour was DD3 lying on the floor screaming and I knew there was nothing I could do until she was all screamed out and I could pick her up.

I also finally realized I didn't give a shit what anyone thought, I know my DD and I know that when she has fallen over the edge there is nothing I can do but stand back and watch!

I managed to loose my 10y old in Asda yesterday, security called and I cried when we found her Blush

Today DD3 (4y) went for a wander again in Asda and 10 year old went to get her back as I was in a packed store with a massive trolley and DD2 and they never returned!

I spent a minute at the most scanning the area before the tanoy fired up and the whole store was treated to "CAN BOHICA PLEASE COME TO CUSTOMER SERVICES"

I marched over and thanked them, asked DD1 why she had taken DD3 to customer services and she said DD3 wouldn't let her take her back up the isle even though customer services is further away Hmm

I have a sneaky feeling that when we "lost" DD1 the day before and all spoke about where to go and what to do when lost she wanted to test it out!!

Angry Blush

It doesn't get an easier as they get older but you definaly grow a thicker skin and learn not to give a shit what others think about your parenting.

post · 07/04/2012 21:09

Me too, keepingupwiththejoneses. I am blessed with a very tantrummy, very 'typical' looking ds with autism. I soon had to get used to people thinking 'what a bratty child/ terrible mother' and get used to it, and I'm so grateful!

I know we're all doing our best, and I just don't care any more what people think. Which has been of huge benefit to myother two dcs; they get the benefit of my greatly improved, much more confident parenting too.

backjustforaminute · 07/04/2012 21:23

Don't worry about it, almost anyone with kids will understand :)

When DD2 was about 2 she had a massive tantrum because I stopped her from climbing on a supermarket checkout. She rolled around on the floor screaming and got her foot stuck underneath someone else's trolley. Her shoe came off and I had to retrieve it before I could leave with furious wriggly toddler Blush Grin

No later than today DD1, aged 5, was rude to nearly all the adults at a birthday party Blush I don't know what on earth came over her but it was sooo embarrassing!

JugsMcGee · 07/04/2012 21:30

I don't get how so many on here understand that at that age, they're just exploring really. But in public there seems to be some expectation on you to be constantly screeching "no" at your child for minor "crimes". Why do people stare?!

DairyNips · 07/04/2012 21:44

Don't worry, your ds is really not badly behaved at all. He's totally normal! I used to get embarrassed when ds1 had a tantrum but now with ds 2 I've seen it all before so just ignore it/deal with it as you dh did etc. i don't give a shit what anyone thinks Grin

gafhyb · 07/04/2012 21:47

My DS1 used to have mega-tantrums. Nit "I can't get what I want" type ones but "I don't know what I want and my emotions are boiling over" type. Still to this day I don't know what, if anything I could have done to prevent or stop them. Sometimes they lasted for ages and I remember one humdinger when I just had to leave him to it in the middle of the pavement and watch from a safe distance - I was so heavily pregnant I could not pick him up.

I think you have to develop a very thick skin, and remember to do what is best for you and them, not any imaginary crowd of onlookers. In other words - do not shriek because you think it's satisfy your need to look like you are disciplining them. Be really calm, bend down, lower your voice (this is really helpful).

Apologise on their behalf if they hurt someone. Take them away whenever you can.

Prevent - hunger and tiredness and too much noise and excitement are killers.

gafhyb · 07/04/2012 21:50

At 18 months, your best tools are distraction and prevention. I think, honestly, it's too young to talk about naughty and about timeouts.

EnjoyResponsibly · 07/04/2012 21:58

I'm thinking "there but by the grace of god" chin up OP, wait til they get to big school and you get summoned to the teacher.

dribbleface · 07/04/2012 22:01

Once when ds1 was laying on the pavement having an almighty meltdown, i couldn't pick him up as very pregnant, i saw an older lady looking at me, great i thought she's thinking I'm a bad parent, bless her she came past, winked at me and said 'we've all been there dear'. i cried Blush but to be fair she reminded me so much of my Nan who died the week before.

gafhyb · 07/04/2012 22:03

But it's normal. There really is no need to be worrying about the future, and school and all that. They need someone to butt against to know where the boundaries are, they need someone to rail against to see they are still loved. They need to explore. Most of the time that's all they are doing. Don't be sucked into worrying about the future. Chill.

DucketyDuckDuck · 08/04/2012 08:56

I've got "that child". Oh I remember 8/9 months ago when I used to look at other mothers and frankly be quite smug as I watched them struggling with a tantruming toddler.

Now? My DD is 2 and a half, I have had to find new playgroups so that I can alternate which ones I take her to. The bloodcurdling banshee screams, who knew a child could make sounds like that? The disruption because "she doesn't like that song" (Happy Birthday sends her into complete meltdown, and don't even think about Twinkle Twinkle). The violence if someone tries to take something off her....

Those mums smugly watching their little buddles of 18 months or so, and looking at my DD and me with pitying looks....they don't bother me, I know now. Their time will come!!

JosieZ · 08/04/2012 09:06

I wonder if DCs can pick up the anxiety vibles mums are projecting - which, naturally, will be worse if you are somewhere where their behaviour matters alot.

I have noticed on flights that the babies / toddlers with confident, relaxed (or so they appear) parents seem to behave better thanbabies with anxious panicky looking ones (with bags and bags of paraphenalia/toys/snacks).

sunshineandbooks · 08/04/2012 09:10

A little while back I was in a supermarket where I saw a mum whose 18-month-old was having the tantrum to end all tantrums. The mum was trying her best to take the ignoring approach but you could see her face and it looked like she was about to burst into tears. I saw an elderly gent walk up to her and say "you're doing the right thing my love, you just carry on" and smile, then walk away, and then a shop assistant say "we'll keep an eye on him if you want to go up the next aisle so he can't see you if you think it'll help". I thought that was so lovely and such a nice change from the usual catsbum faces you see. Really restored my faith in people.

OP anyone who's had a child and possesses a modicum of empathy will understand and won't judge you. Anyone who does is a blinkered idiot whose opinion you needn't worry about. Smile

Hoebag · 08/04/2012 09:10

Aha Duckety I'm with you,

when DS was a baby he was perfect so placid. then at about 1 year it all changed lol , and now 2 is even more tantrummy i think the worst is over now though.

TrollopDollop · 08/04/2012 09:13

It is awful and people do stare but just ignore them. I have learnt to just look straight ahead and never stare when I see someone else experience the same.

My two have had some blinding tantrums - particularly DD who is, erm, head strong I believe they call it. I had to carry her kicking and screaming out of a ballet lesson once (she was 5!) and the local park. Then there was the time my son wouldn't get in the buggy. I literally had to push his middle down with all my strength to stop him arching his back so I could strap him up. It must have looked like my hand was going to come through the other side.

I don't think time out is the way to go with an 18 month old.Your best way to deal with it is distraction and planning ahead. Carry snacks and know when to expect him to be hungry, plan naps and all that. I am sure you do all this already Wink. I find the best tactic now they are older is to remove them from the public situation, especially my DD. She was having a tantrum at a party once and I took her in the corridor which immediately calmed her down.

We have all been there. He sounds totally normal.

helpyourself · 08/04/2012 09:14

What other people think is none of your business [bugrin]

Do what you need to do to bring up your child the way you know is right, take informed advice, but people in the park, nah.

ScroobiousPip · 08/04/2012 09:21

If I was a passerby, tbh I'd just be very grateful it wasn't my own 3yo DS! I
usually smile and try to be supportive - if only because I've been so grateful when others have done the same for me.

Although, if I'm being totally, scrupulously honest, OP, I might a teeny bit judgy of the parents if I saw them putting an 18mo in timeout. Sorry.

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