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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to spend time alone with my boyfriend?

30 replies

SpringHasSprungALeak · 07/04/2012 13:36

My boyfriend and I both live with our parents (we are in our early 20s with no kids). This is the first serious relationship for both of us. I love him to bits, he loves me, we've talked about marriage and kids.

Every weekend I have gone to his (parents) house on a Friday night and come home on a Sunday. Every weekend is the same. Friday night we stay in and watch TV with his family, Saturday night from 6pm until 9pm we go the pub with his parents, Sunday we have roast dinner and I get the 3:30 train home.

It's very rare we get any time alone. We even have to sleep in the living room on an airbed (he shares bedroom with his younger brother), so have to wait for everyone else to go to bed before we can, and then we get woken up when everyone else decides it's time to get up.

We live an hour away from each other. He can't come and stay at mine because my mum has health problems.

I am unemployed, BF works 7 hours a week, so as you can imagine, money is VERY tight. I don't expect to go out EVERY weekend with him, but sometimes, I'd just like to spend some time alone with him.

Today marks 6 months together and I wanted to go out for meal with him to celebrate. I mentioned to him on (I think) Thursday about us going for a meal. He said maybe (he doesn't like to plan ahead). I knew he was worried about money but I said I would pay (I have a little extra money this week so I wanted to treat him). With it being Easter weekend I'm going his today (tonight) instead of yesterday. I text him today asking if he wanted to go for a meal (I've mentioned it a couple of times since Thursday). He said "Oh sorry mum's bought something in for dinner for tonight". I'll be honest, I'm pissed off and I've told him so.

I'm sure I sound very childish but the past six months haven't been easy, and I wanted to celebrate six months with him, just me and him. Instead we'll be going the pub with his parents.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:

cybbo · 07/04/2012 13:37

Two words. Travel Lodge

Original poster

SpringHasSprungALeak · 07/04/2012 13:38

cybbo, we do try and take advantage of travelodges when they are on offer, plus we had a lovely few days away last week.

OP posts:

Casmama · 07/04/2012 13:40

No yanbu but the situation is unlikely to change much until either of you or both of you are earning a bit more. How about suggesting that instead of going to the pub with his parents that you stay at home and cook something instead, at least you would get some time alone.

savoycabbage · 07/04/2012 13:41

Can't you stay in on the Saturday when they go to the pub? It sounds like he just wants to do what he's always done but with you there too. What would he say if you wanted to go roller skating (for example) on Friday?

Original poster

SpringHasSprungALeak · 07/04/2012 13:42

casmama, I forgot to mention he has two brothers. One is only 17, so too young to go to the pub and the other has learning difficulties and stays home all the time.

OP posts:

pinkstinks · 07/04/2012 13:43

YANBU to want time alone together, but his family have also been very accommodating towards you by allowing you to stay over/cooking for you and socialising with you.

I am also in early twenties, been with my bf for 6 years and have only just moved into our own place together, aside from when i moved into halls etc for uni and he would come and visit. Money is very tight but i have to say it is worth every penny to decide for ourselves when to eat/sleep and what our routines are.

I understand it can be difficult it was for us too, but maybe you just need to communicate more effectively what it is that you want or how special a certain night out is etc to make him understand.

anyway, that was probably rubbish and unhelpful but just wanted you to know you are not alone!

Nancy66 · 07/04/2012 13:44

he sounds very immature - and unlikely to change.
I'd be casting my net wider for someone a bit more worldly/fun/ambitious

JustHecate · 07/04/2012 13:46

not unreasonable, no. why doesn't he want to go out alone with you? Is it because he doesn't want to be paid for? Or does he just not like going out to eat? or what?

It does sound odd that someone doesn't want to plan ahead, ever. Not even going for a meal. It's not like planning to get married in 10 years and wanting to choose the flowers now it's a meal. People normally do make such kind of arrangements, you know

You don't live close by? When you go there, do you go out with him locally? Do you know his mates? Are you part of his social circle?

I think you should talk to him, tbh. Tell him what you would like from the relationship, ask him what he likes, etc.

ArtexMonkey · 07/04/2012 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purpleroses · 07/04/2012 13:47

Go out for a walk together in the day? Go to a different pub? Stay in when the parents go out? Doesn't sound that hard to get some time alone. Sounds like your bf likes a pretty sheltered life hanging out with his parents. Why does he not like to plan? Lazy? Shy of new places?

confusedpixie · 07/04/2012 13:50

YADNBU. I'm a similar age to you and was in a similar situation a year or so ago so I know how you feel! But you both need independence really.

Would seasonal jobs be an option for you both (or one of you?) if you are looking for more work? They're much more readily available than normal jobs and have accommodation so you can move out of home? It's what my ex and I did for two years and worked well, we also saved a bit of money each too as our accommodation/food costs were minimal.

Original poster

SpringHasSprungALeak · 07/04/2012 13:51

The reason he doesn't want to go out tonight is a) his mum has bought food in for dinner tonight and b) he doesn't like me paying for things.

I agree he does sound immature but believe me, he isn't.

He doesn't socialise a lot outside of his family, he has one friend who lives down the road from him but he hardly sees him.

It's all about money. He works 7 hours and has a car to pay for plus he has to pay "board" at his parents.

This pub we go to is the only one within walking distance, plus we go with his parents as they pay for the drinks.

I am extremely grateful to his parents for letting me stay and providing me with food.

OP posts:

Ephiny · 07/04/2012 13:55

Why can't you go out somewhere together instead of going to the pub with his parents?

BackforGood · 07/04/2012 13:56

I agree with Nancy and JustHec - I mean, I know it's difficult with little money, but you could spend time alone together (maybe going to the pub on the Friday while his parents are watching tele, and then watching tele on the Saturday- no change in cost) or going out for the day on the Saturday or the Sunday morning ? Lots of things are free or low cost - walking, museums, windowshopping, watching the local football team, feeding the ducks, going for a bike ride, even volunteering together at something ?
Nor do I think agreeing to go for a meal a couple of days in advance is too much comitment to ask.

You have to ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship, tbh.

savoycabbage · 07/04/2012 13:56

Instead of doing family tv time could you not do something else together? Like play a game or just talk but just the two of you?

AlbertoFrog · 07/04/2012 13:59

If it's like this 6 months in think what it'll be like in 6 years.

You should be having fun, getting to know each other, wanting to spend every available moment together, not being able to keep your hands off each other.

And fun doesn't have to mean money. I remember many a romantic walk in the freezing cold, sharing a bag of chips and a bottle of ginger.

In fact, 13 years on that's us just back from a walk in the country. Me, DH and DS in the back pack.

Life's too short OP - enjoy it.

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2012 14:02

You are in your early 20s - why are you living the life of a boring middle-aged couple?

(other than to get an actual middle aged couple to buy your drinks )

Seriously - is this all you want from life?

Going to the pub with your boyfriend's parents?

I'm pregnant with 2 small children and your social life makes me look like a crazy party animal.

JustHecate · 07/04/2012 14:02

I assume he's looking for work in excess of these 7 hours? Perhaps if he's able to find something, he'll start to feel better. It's bloody miserable to always be skint.

That said, there are lots of things you can do, just the two of you, that don't cost money. But they do require making an effort.

A man in his 20s should really not be so dependent on his parents. I understand the financial constraints, but I'm talking socially etc.

Does he find it difficult to make and keep friends?

Original poster

SpringHasSprungALeak · 07/04/2012 14:03

Thank you for your comments. We both suffer from depression - I'm in the process of coming off my tablets whereas BF is trying hard to combat depression without tablets. I don't know if this has anything to do with it.

There is no way I'm giving him up, he's turned my life around in the six months that I've been with him. Before, I was surviving, now I'm living. I know this is soppy but he means so much to me, which is why I'd like to spend more time alone with him. We've chatted about it before. He would love to spend more time alone. I think we both need to work harder at this.

OP posts:

JustHecate · 07/04/2012 14:05

ah. That explains a lot. That must be very difficult for all of you.

Depression isn't something you can just overcome through force of will. He needs some help. If he's so low that he's basically withdrawn from the world and created this safe little 'bubble' - what life is that, long term?

Are you coming off your own tablets under medical supervision?

doctordwt · 07/04/2012 14:06

No, he does sound immature. It's very immature to see your parents as your key social group in your early twenties - this is what he does. It's immature to not be at least a little more adventurous and curious and want to do new stuff at least occasionally - this is him. And even if he is a tad boring in that way, it's also immature not to think 'Hey, we do the parents/pub thing every week - of course SpringHas wants a change'. And most of all it's not particularly normal for a 20 something to never want time alone with his partner, especially so soon into the relationship.

Sorry but he's either very very immature, or a boring stick who's tied to his parents' apron strings. Which would you prefer? It sounds as if he's quite happy with the status quo - nice little girlfriend, sitting next to him and mum and dad of an evening in the pub. That. Every week. Like an episode of Corrie from about 1976. Not very interesting and nothing to do with not having much free cash!

StrandedLindtBunny · 07/04/2012 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ephiny · 07/04/2012 14:06

Oh I see, yes of course it must be difficult if he's so short of money.

Really doesn't sound like much of a fun lifestyle though, especially for someone your age. And it's not just the money either, but the way he seems unprepared to bother doing anything outside his normal routine of TV and pub with parents, or make any effort with you.

If he only works 7 hours a week , and doesn't really socialise, what does he do for the rest of the time?

doctordwt · 07/04/2012 14:08

Ohhhh big x-post.

Then I think your encouraging him, nay MAKING him take some steps away from safe little drinks with his parents is a good thing.

And I'd start breaking up this status quo a bit, even if it means occasionally not staying over. Can he really not come to yours now and again?

Original poster

SpringHasSprungALeak · 07/04/2012 14:11

Thank you for all of your replies. You have given me some ideas that I want to discuss with bf.

I wont be able to respond to any more replies until Monday now as I'm about to leave to catch the train to his

OP posts:

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