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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to pick my DD's outfit for her first family wedding?

38 replies

fhdl34 · 07/04/2012 09:24

DH spoke to MIL on phone yesterday to see if she was coming to visit. She told him she'd bought DD a dress to wear to BIL's wedding but if we didn't want it she'd take it back. To be fair, as soon as DH told me this I was a bit peed off because I've been quite enjoying looking at dresses for my DD to wear to this occasion and I'd already got it in my head that she was not going to be wearing this dress to the wedding but we might say yes to keeping it and wearing it another time.
So she arrives yesterday and she's bought her a bridesmaid dress! It's ivory and there is no mistaking, it's something you'd wear as a bridesmaid or as christening dress. There was silence, I couldn't think of what to say. She said "you don't like it do you?" and I said it looked like a bride's dress. I felt really embarrassed as SIL to be - the actual bride! - was also there, they haven't asked for DD to be bridesmaid and I'm pleased they haven't as she'll only be 7 months and would be a bit ridiculous in my eyes. I don't know what SIL's view on the dress was, I didn't look at her (in case she wanted her to wear the bloody dress and then I'd feel even more obliged) but I know that if I was getting married again and someone came in what was clearly a bridesmaid's dress but they weren't a bridesmaid I'd be really annoyed.
Anyway she's taking the dress back but said it gutted her to do so.
So WIBU to not take the dress? Feel a bit guilty but also feel that this is my DD, it took us 4 years to conceive, I'm loving it all but am not the most confident of mothers. She's bought her lots of clothes most of which I'm not overly keen on which I do dress her in with the exception of shoes which I just don't think babies should be wearing.
I also saw how she was with my SILs kids when they were growing up - even gave one of them a haircut when SIL had said no, just went ahead and did it - and so I do feel like I have to be firm on what I do and don't want upfront otherwise it will cause ructions down the line if I just give her an inch, so to speak.

OP posts:

Teeb · 07/04/2012 09:26

She said if you didn't like it she would return, you didn't and that's what she's doing. No harm done.

HettyKett · 07/04/2012 09:28

YANBU. My MIL is similar and clear boundaries are essential.

marriedinwhite · 07/04/2012 09:29

Oh, I think I might just have said, it's so beautiful but I couldn't possibly risk dd wearing it, you have spent all that money and if dd's sick it won't wash out. Why don't we go together to chose something that will look pretty and can be worn again.

How old will dd be at the wedding?

Katienana · 07/04/2012 09:30

Can you have a word with sil to sound her out about it?
I think you're right to be firm with mil if she is controlling. She can't force you to dress your baby in something you dislike.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 07/04/2012 09:30

Of course YANBU. It's natural that loving family members will want to share in the joy that is buying gorgeous little baby clothes, but when it comes to special occasions, it should be up to you. She was being quite disrespectful by saying that she was gutted to have to take it back, that sort of guilt tripping is horrible behaviour.

NoteSpelling · 07/04/2012 09:31

What Treeb said.

ChunkyMonkeyMother · 07/04/2012 09:31

I understand where you are coming from but maybe the SIL didn't mind? I know when I got married I asked my cousins kids to be page boy and flower girl because they were older and could handle it, it wasn't that I didn't want the others involved and I spoke to my cousins about this. Well my auntie went out and bought my other cousins daughter a dress which matched my wedding perfectly, my cousin was mortified! I actually didn't mind at all! I thought she looked very cute and as she was only young it didn't matter too much iykwim? When we got the pics later there is a gorgeous one of her and the page boy walking down the aisle and it's so sweet! But I understand your embarrassment at her buying it, maybe it was a way of them including your daughter in the wedding?

Original poster

fhdl34 · 07/04/2012 09:35

marriedinwhite DD will be almost 7 months. MIL and I have completely different tastes in clothes and she obviously feels DD should be wearing something quite formal whereas I want to get her a very pretty dress with matching pants and hat and a little bolero cardigan that she can wear again on a nice summers day. I do feel like I have to be firm to stop her completely taking over. I feel at the moment she's testing the water to see what she can get away with, not just with this but with other things too. So far I'm maintaining control.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 07/04/2012 09:37

If your daughter is only going to be 7 months old, then she is hardly going to be asked to be a bridesmaid is she!!

marriedinwhite · 07/04/2012 09:40

I'd want a very pretty dress and cardigan too. I'd probably also pack a couple of babygros for when she was sick and dribbled food down it too

Original poster

fhdl34 · 07/04/2012 09:53

squeakytoy exactly! I don't expect her to be one and don't want her dressed as one.
marriedinwhite this was exactly my plan :)

OP posts:

tabulahrasa · 07/04/2012 10:06

Most of my DD's dresses for things like weddings have actually been bridesmaids dresses, they're about the only dresses you can get that aren't too casual.

As long as they don't match the actual bridesmaids it wouldn't matter and if there are any other little girls going the chances are some of them will be wearing bridesmaids dresses.

If you don't like it, you don't like it, but it being a bridesmaids dress isn't an issue.

MickyDodger · 07/04/2012 10:07

As if anyone will notice what a baby is wearing, especially one that can't even walk!
"Maintaining Control" or Incredibly Controlling, and over the top?

doctordwt · 07/04/2012 10:10

You're doing the right thing.

Make those boundaries crystal clear.

Your DD, your enjoyment to have choosing clothes for special occasions. Don't apologise for that. Your MIL had it with your SIL, err, why should she have your time too?

Next time - 'Oh sorry I've already chosen DD's outfit for XX. I was looking forward to choosing it for ages so couldn't wait!

Just make sure that of course her gifts are appreciated and worn as she is your DD's precious Granny! Which you are.

MadamFolly · 07/04/2012 10:15

It was the haircut thing that got to me, that proves you need to maintain control.

YANBU

Aboutlastnight · 07/04/2012 10:20

Frankly I'd have said cheers and put baby in frock. One less thing to worry about.

lazylula · 07/04/2012 10:27

My mil got dd a dress for Christmas that is most definitely an 'occassion dress'. It is lovely but probably not something I would buy, not because I don't like it, I love it but because it is not a practical dress. For me that is the beauty of it though, she has this beautiful dress she may only wear a handful of times but my mil got it knowing that, but I don't feel like I am wasting money. My cousin gets married on dd's first birthday and we are going to the reception. As it is dd's birthday I wanted her to wear the dress but worried it was too bridesmaidy but my cousin has ok'd it, and plans to have the photographer take a picture of her and her 'baby bridesmaid' to celebrate both their special days.
If you are unhappy with the dress then yanbu to say no, it is your decision.

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2012 10:33

I think it's perfectly normal that you should want your daughter to wear something you've chosen, particularly given how difficult it was for you to get pregnant with her. Your MIL has had her turn with her own children.

I think you need to get very firm with her and thank her but say that you want to buy something yourself, something less formal. I'm just trying to think what I'd do if my MIL had cut my baby's hair after I'd expressly forbidden her from doing so. I know it would be a long time before I saw her again if she did.

Floggingmolly · 07/04/2012 11:32

She said she'd return it if you didn't like it, she's not forcing you to accept it, is she? Your daughter is a babe in arms, nobody will assume she's a bloody bridesmaid, ffs! And your idea of " saying yes to keeping it to wear another time" is off, btw

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/04/2012 11:33

Seems grandparents are stuffed whatever they do, flamed if they dont car enough or babysit every time they are asked and flamed for taking an interest and buying something for the grandchildren!

The hair cut thing is wrong but i dont see the harm in her wanting to treat her new granddaughter to a pretty dress.

gafhyb · 07/04/2012 13:27

It sounds to me as if you need to be assertive, as assertive as your MIL is.

Your MIL possibly made a mistake in buying the dress, but it sounds as if she did it with good intentions, BUT, she clearly said it would be OK if you didn't like it. You didn't like it, so there's no problem with you saying so. There's no need to feel guilty, or to talk about her behind her back. She was up-front with you, so be up front with her.

If she'd got all narky with you, then there would be a problem. But she didn't

gafhyb · 07/04/2012 13:28

Re: assertiveness, read "A woman In your Own Right"

gafhyb · 07/04/2012 13:30

Missed the bit about her being gutted - she was being manipulative there, so that's not on. Some assertiveness tips would help you, I think.

jelliebelly · 07/04/2012 13:32

She said you could return it if you don't like it so what's the problem? YABU

lurkinginthebackground · 07/04/2012 14:23

I don't think by wearing the dress anyone will think badly of you, as your daughter is only a baby.
I think I would accept the dress, but I can see your point. The haircut thing is worrying.

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