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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with mother?

29 replies

Dillydollydaydream · 06/04/2012 15:54

I'm not sure if I'm overly sensitive about this but these sorts of things happen all the time and it's getting to me a bit now.

Today one of my brothers (let's call him Bob) popped round and brought my dc their Easter eggs from my mum and my other brother (we'll call him Ben). Bob said he had brought round the eggs from Ben because Bens car had failed its MOT. Fair enough I thought.

My mum had gone to a woodland centre with step dad. I'm not sure why they couldn't have popped the eggs in themselves TBH as they have to drive past our house on the way, I'm not talking a detour or anything they actually have to drive past our door!

Anyway, as I had the Easter eggs for bens dc I text and asked if it was ok to pop them round. He replied he was out and he'd let me know when they were back.

Since then I have received a text from my mum which was meant to be sent to Ben saying

"Think Bob told 'Dilly' he had popped yr eggs round cos yr car had failed its mot. Thanks for lovely pm".

Now to me that sounds like they'd spend the afternoon together - therefore both driving right passed my house, and Bens car is fine?! Or am I paranoid. It just upsets me that my DM never wants to see my dc :( she could have popped in or invited us to go too like it seems she did with Ben and his dc. :(

There is always instances like this, DM inviting and paying for Ben and his dc to go out for Sunday lunch, we don't get invited.
I invite DM here for mothers day lunch but she refuses because she has already invited Ben and his family round for lunch, no invite for me and my family.

So a bit long winded but AIBU?

OP posts:
LoopyLoeufdePaques · 06/04/2012 15:58

:( No idea but it sounds like your mum is playing favourites - never nice.

Original poster
Dillydollydaydream · 06/04/2012 15:59

Yes. It's been like this for as long as I remember. It's worse not there are children involved though, not fair on them :(

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 06/04/2012 16:00

Today could be innocent, but in light of everything else that's happened, it sounds unlikely. YANBU. I loathe families where the anyone plays favourites. It's so unfair on the children.

Toughasoldboots · 06/04/2012 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 06/04/2012 16:01

stray 'the' in my post, sorry!

CavemanDave · 06/04/2012 16:01

Sad YANBU

But fuck 'em Dilly is what I would say. Drawbridge up & be determined to not let it spoil the rest of your weekend.

joanna2012 · 06/04/2012 16:01

what does she say when you query it

letseatgrandma · 06/04/2012 16:02

That's just nasty. Reply to the text saying-'Was this meant for me?'

Catsdontcare · 06/04/2012 16:02

I would text back and say "oops don't think you meant to send that to me. Sounds like you have all had a nice time together"

I'm sick of family favouritism so have cut right back on contact.

RedHelenB · 06/04/2012 16:03

Well, it could have been worse & they hadn't got Easter eggs for the kids? Sometimes life is too short to dwell on things, maybe your Mum just has a nicer time with Ben & his family.

Original poster
Dillydollydaydream · 06/04/2012 16:05

I have replied saying. Oops, think that was for Ben!

She just replied, yes.
DM sees my dc about 3-4 times a year even though only 1/2 hour away.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 06/04/2012 16:06

Whether or not there's any hard and fast evidence that your family is excluding you, you've been left feeling they do, and that's all that matters.

What you do about will be difficult whatever you decide to do.

You could confront them, but by the sounds of it it'd turn into a huge argument about the past however many years this has been going on, which might not be productive.

It'd be easy to say 'what does it matter what they think of you, just get on with your own family life and ignore them', but it's not always that easy when family members don't treat you with the love and care you'd like to expect from them.

Is there a middle road between the two, where you can be assertive about how the way your mum makes you feel, but without causing WWIII?

AgentZigzag · 06/04/2012 16:07

Ooooh 3-4 times a year and only live half hour away Sad that is pretty shoddy.

Toughasoldboots · 06/04/2012 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CommanderShepard · 06/04/2012 16:12

Sympathy - my paternal grandparents were like that with us; were never interested in us growing up, especially because my parents divorced when I was 5, but my cousins? Very different story. Small wonder that I cut my father and his family out of my life years ago.

Original poster
Dillydollydaydream · 06/04/2012 16:13

I'm very soft and hate causing a fuss. Not sure what I can say or do really. Wish I had some balls!

OP posts:
newfashionedmum · 06/04/2012 16:14

Sad I suggest you don't compare or bring up the favourites thing but just say you'd like to see more of her - if you would - and what would make it easier for her?....Leave your brothers out of it, and see them separately on your own terms when you want to.

MrsDeeBee · 06/04/2012 16:15

Cats

I have done the same as you.

Dilly

My parents live at the end of my back garden, so opposite, and my DCs haven't seen my 'D'M this year yet. Popped round for an hour Christmas Day and nothing since. No visits, no calls, nothing. My siblings and I don't get on, I'm the classic 'black sheep' of the family, but I had enough of all the secrecy and sniping, plus other issues. I decided because of certain things not to take my DCs round my parents anymore, and explained to them why, and it would appear that they have 'sided' with one daughter over another.

Doesn't bother me, I cut all contact 13 years ago when I had my eldest, and was very poorly having him, so DH persuaded me to see them while in hospital. Given all the problems we have had with my side of the family over the years, I now tease him that he should have listened to me all those years ago !

My parents have never been there for me, we have always had a very tense relationship, if you could even call it that...and I would rather my DCs have people in their lives who want to be, not out of family ties or obligation. I would also rather they find out what sort of people my 'family' are now, rather than being royally screwed up when they get older !

welliesandpyjamas · 06/04/2012 16:16

Would she have texted him if they were out together?

Original poster
Dillydollydaydream · 06/04/2012 16:19

I think they were home when she text as shortly after I got her msg I for ow from DB to say they were hOme if we wanted to pop eggs round.
'thanks for lovely Pm' suggests they spent afternoon together though?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dillydollydaydream · 06/04/2012 16:21

I got one from
that should read.

OP posts:
YompingJo · 06/04/2012 16:21

Doesn't sound like you are you are being unreasonable to me. My in-laws have 7 grandchildren already and we are about to add another (our first). They are well known by DH's 2 siblings for favouring their female grandchildren - taking them out for the day etc while the boys never get offered this treat. So it will be interesting to see how they treat ours. I hate any sort of pettiness and unfairness, so the situation you are in would wind me right up. Can you talk to Bob about it? Maybe he feels a bit stuck in the middle and could add some insight?

Original poster
Dillydollydaydream · 06/04/2012 16:24

MrsDeeBee.
My childhood relationship with DM was very poor and have been thinking about cutting ties for years too. .
I've said to DH I'd love to move one day and just not say. Would probably take ages for her to notice :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Dillydollydaydream · 06/04/2012 16:28

YompingJo
Bob actually still lives at home. There is a very long back story about him actually that I did post in AIBU a while ago involving him stealing money from them!

OP posts:
MrsDeeBee · 06/04/2012 16:30

Dilly

We would also love to move, easier said than done at the moment ! One day.... Smile

I think if we moved I wouldn't ever see any of my family again, if they can't make a 60 second walk to my house I can't see them actually travelling !

I have a friend who had a rotten relationship with her Mum growing up and she has spent years feeling crap, and inferior, and like everything she does is worthless, and she is always asking me how I cope....I just say that the days of needing my parents 'approval' are over, they lost those 'rights' years ago, as far as I'm concerned, and my main priorities are my DCs and DH now.

Just remember you have a right to have happy life, as far as we know we only come this way once, if other people, be they parents, siblings, whoever, don't want to be a part of you and your family's life, then so be it.

They are the ones who are missing out.

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