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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my friend gave the bag of baby clothes to someone else in front of me...

86 replies

lallyp · 06/04/2012 12:26

I might just be hormonal and hence over sensitive but I have felt icky all day and this is the only place I can think of to ask if IABU...

My ds (4.5), dd (1.5) and I went to an easter party at a friends house today. In fairness the relationship with the friend is primarily based on our sons being playmates for the last few years. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the friend has always given me her dd(2.5) hand-me-downs. Today at the party she handed the bag of clothes to the woman next to me who has a dd (8 weeks old). The bag contains clothes and shoes for a 2 year old that my dd would be able wear straight away (she is tall) and the other mama will have to put them in a cupboard for a couple of years.

Is the 'friend' just being a bitch?

Am I just being silly cow?
I walked away feeling really horrible and 8 hours later here i am writing this...
Are there any voices of reason out there?

Just telling my I am being unreasonable is not that helpful as i already feel like a psyco for feeling the way i feel.

Thanks anyone x

OP posts:
FunnysInLaJardin · 06/04/2012 14:52

YABU to refer to the other mother as a mama. I hate that phrase, it's such twee American bollocks

ErikNorseman · 06/04/2012 14:53

I didn't even mention 'mama'

elvisaintdead · 06/04/2012 14:53

Op you have drip fed and added things later which not everyone will have read as it takes time to read an entire thread, and that can come across as an attempt to get people to agree with you. It is best to put all the info in the first post and then people can give you an assesment based on the facts.

The fact that you have been so damning of people who don't agree with you makes it seem that you have a tendency to be over sensitive so perhaps this is the issue here. On the otherhand maybe the lady is a cow in which case don't be friends with her anymore and don't accept or expect anymore clothes from her.

lisaro · 06/04/2012 14:55

Funnys thank you - I didn't mention it as I thought I'd been hard enough but you are so, so right.

everlong · 06/04/2012 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jifnotcif · 06/04/2012 14:58

I've found friends dcs wearing my dcs clothes that I never gave them at all! It can get very complicated in the end and it's best to remember that what goes round comes round. Friendship is one thing and clothes are quite another.

I think if I were in your shoes I would have made a joke about it there and then, to show that you are OK with it and break the ice - perhaps that's what you could do when you see your friend next time.

FunnysInLaJardin · 06/04/2012 15:02

even if the OP is American it's still an awful twee turn of phrase, although I think she is from the UK and living in Australia.

jifnotcif · 06/04/2012 15:29

Ha - just read all the sniping - OP, you must always remember that in order to get on mumsnet there is no test to pass, no qualification, examination, moral, mental or intellectual so you just have to take things as they are.

AnnieLobeseder · 06/04/2012 15:41

So, people have responded based on your post about clothes, and you're getting all upset and insulting because we didn't understand it was actually about someone being unpleasant to you on a regular basis?

YABU on various levels.

If you don't like this person, don't associate with her. Life is too short.

skybluepearl · 06/04/2012 15:45

I try and give mine out in equal batches to various friends. I will usually look at an item and think about which mum would put her kid in it. Some mums are more spotty, others floral, some hate pink.

giraffes · 06/04/2012 16:35

Maybe it was for practical reasons?

I've a friend who used give me her dd's clothes as there was a 6 month age gap between her dd and mine....when my dd hit 2 and her dd was 2.5 they were much closer in size and she started giving them to someone with a smaller dd...so maybe, just maybe, she wanted to give them to someone who would get more wear out of them? (clutches at straws in attempt to promote dimplomacy and optimism!)

tbh, I think if she has been so terribly horrible to you and you really don't like her then you shouldn't have been accepting hand me downs from her anyway!

hathorinareddress · 06/04/2012 17:55

OP I posted based on your original post.

And it is IABU.

If you'd given more info in your first post and not drip fed you would have had a different response from me.

dreamofwhitehorses · 06/04/2012 18:06

I don't think the OP did drip feed. She posted her issue, listened to the consensus that she was BU and was able to consider the motivation for her feelings having had it highlighted by a couple of posters who took the time to post some thoughtful and sensitive advice. Threads will move on and YABU if you don't take the time to scan the responses, particularly if you are going to post a forthright reply.

Shriekable · 06/04/2012 18:31

Please don't write off your friend. She might be trying to 'share' the clothes amongst her friends, and as others have said, she might be aware that this other friend is in need. My sister shared her old baby stuff between me & a friend of hers - the friend got stuff that I certainly could have used, but it was my sister's stuff, her choice what to do with it. I don't think your friend was being a bitch at all.

G1nger · 06/04/2012 18:42

Have you ever given anything in return? A thank you gift / help / anything.

It sounds like you were grasping at straws with this friendship and the woman's done you a very subtle, possibly non-existent, favour.

MigratingCoconuts · 06/04/2012 18:44

blimey, lots of harshness here today!!

having read the thread I'd say your feelings very much remind me of coffee mornings with mums I wouldn't normally get on with and the tiredness, oh, the tiredness!. I found it all very difficult.

The bag of clothes is just the tip of the iceberg.

But I think op knows that now. Her opening post was clearly just about her trying to understand her reaction to a fairly superficial incident. I don't think it was intended to be dripp feeding at all.

WhiteTrash · 06/04/2012 19:23

YABU to use the word 'icky'

YABU to call someone who's GIVEN you tonnes if clothes in the past a 'bitch'.

YABU to be pissed off that she shares her generosity.

I have a baby who is huge, Ive got friends with babies the same age but smaller so I try and distribute the clothes between them. (if they want them of course.)

Groovee · 06/04/2012 20:30

I give dd and ds's clothes to a variety of different people. I had one friend who'd had a lot off me and not even a thank you and when a friend tagged me in a photo of her dd wearing a certain dress, the other friend went mad because she'd been waiting on that dress Angry.

It's nice to get hand me downs but you should never expect them.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 07/04/2012 00:36

Ewwwww at wanting secondhand shoes for your toddler

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 07/04/2012 00:43

Having read the replies I would say yes, ditch the friend. Like someone else has said, it is better to be alone than have 'friends' that make you feel bad when you've spent time with them

Thumbbunny · 07/04/2012 00:56

Some unnecessarily unpleasant responses on this thread.

In Australia, it's quite common to hear the term "mama" - so get over your parochial crap and "oo it's so American and twee".

I think OP that, from all you have said, you would do better to drop this "friend" if you can do so without further isolating yourself. I hope you have a lovely return trip to the UK!

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 07/04/2012 01:02

Eeew at using second hand shoes? What on earth is wrong with that?

If they're covered in sick and dog poo then yes, eeew. But otherwise, it's a very economical way of providing shoes for kids when they grow out of them so fast.

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 07/04/2012 01:28

Sorry, I agree with WhiteTrash - your friend has given you things. Given you. So to call her a bitch is rather nasty.

Also, 'As of now I am drawing a line under what has been an unpleasant relationship. What happened today was the final straw.' Riiiight. So you happily accepted her hand-me-downs (as you mentioned earlier), but now that she is no longer useful to you, you call her a bitch and cut her out. Nice.

SodoffBaldrick · 07/04/2012 02:20

"OP you sound very highly strung. Have you ever looked into why you don't seem to 'find it hard to build relationships'?"

And have you ever moved to an entirely new country 1000s of miles from home where you know no-one, with small children and the isolation that that can bring, and started building relationships from utter scratch? If you have, you will know just how incredibly hard it is, right?

A huge lack of understanding and empathy on this thread - lally, it was probably a mistake to post this in AIBU. If you need to move on from this person, then that is probably the right thing to do.

Thumbbunny · 07/04/2012 02:39

Very good point SodOffBaldrick.
It can be bloody hard making real friends in Australia - lots of people are friendly enough on the surface but never take it any further. Takes a long while to really fit in and feel like you are actually friends with someone.