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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my friend gave the bag of baby clothes to someone else in front of me...

86 replies

lallyp · 06/04/2012 12:26

I might just be hormonal and hence over sensitive but I have felt icky all day and this is the only place I can think of to ask if IABU...

My ds (4.5), dd (1.5) and I went to an easter party at a friends house today. In fairness the relationship with the friend is primarily based on our sons being playmates for the last few years. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the friend has always given me her dd(2.5) hand-me-downs. Today at the party she handed the bag of clothes to the woman next to me who has a dd (8 weeks old). The bag contains clothes and shoes for a 2 year old that my dd would be able wear straight away (she is tall) and the other mama will have to put them in a cupboard for a couple of years.

Is the 'friend' just being a bitch?

Am I just being silly cow?
I walked away feeling really horrible and 8 hours later here i am writing this...
Are there any voices of reason out there?

Just telling my I am being unreasonable is not that helpful as i already feel like a psyco for feeling the way i feel.

Thanks anyone x

OP posts:
RobinSparkles · 06/04/2012 12:49

YABU! So what if your DD can wear them straight away? The person she gave them to probably needs them more than you do!

As a previous poster said, you sound very "entitled"!

I have a friend who had a DS the same time as I had my DD1. The next time she got pg she kept saying how she'd have DD1's old baby clothes if she had a girl, eyeing up her clothes saying, "ooh I'll have that in a couple of years." she had another boy but is pregnant again, with a girl. She's started saying it again as I've just started clearing out my baby clothes as DD2 has just outgrown them.

Have I given them to her? No, I've donated them to charity. I can't be doing with grabbyness.

I know that I'm probably a bitch and U but they're your friend's clothes, she can do what she wants with them!

You said yourself, you are mainly friends because of the children, she's probably picked up on the fact that you don't like her very much!

ChasedByBees · 06/04/2012 12:50

YABVU. To imply that your 'friend' (sic) is a bitch for not giving you a gift is really awful. You obviously feel these are yours already so perhaps as someone else said you appear more like you automatically expect these rather than grateful.

BelleTheBeatnik · 06/04/2012 12:51

From your point of view, that may seem a strange thing to do, and very annoying as it seems as if you'll make better use of them.

However, you have to remember you have no right to to other people's hand-me-downs: they are given to you out of sheer kindness. I won't preach, because I'm pretty sure you know that, and it's just the hormones talking.

Is there any reason why your friend might have given the clothes to the other woman? Is she struggling at the moment, finacially or otherwise? Maybe your friend wanted to help her, and her first thought was to offer her some old clothes - even if that won't help her immediately?

I know some people are embarrassed to offer hand-me-downs, so maybe she doesn't want you to feel like a charity case (I know you don't feel like that, but she think you do IYSWIM). And are you certain they were clothes for 2 year olds - they might just have been baby bits she'd kept and was now deciding to pass on.

Don't dwell on it. I'm sure it wasn't done intentionally in a "let's annoy Lally way". At the very worst, your friend just wasn't thinking, at best she had a very good reason for it.

Now start the Easter festivities early, and cheer yourself up with chocolate + Brew. [bugrin]

Original poster
lallyp · 06/04/2012 13:29

I have concluded that on the surface IABU but when i look a little deeper I am not.

Thelightpassenger & lollystix - thankyou for being insightful. I think that is probably it. Your comments made me cry so they must of hit a nerve. The friendship is indeed of no real substance and based primarily on our children. I moved to australia a couple of years ago (hence the time of the post) and have found it very difficult to build relationships with any depth. The 'friend' in question has been very unpleasant to me on a fair few occasions and a couple of times to my DS which led to my DH avoiding her wherever possible.

There was more to the act of giving the clothes to someone else (the recipient is a very nice woman who in not in any financial strife) than it simply being someone elses turn. Of course she can give them to whomever she likes. It really had nothing to do with the clothes, I have plenty (actually it was 4 pairs of shoes and about 5 items of 2 year old clothing)

I have been hanging out with her for my sons sake but everytime i walk away i feel horrible and find it hard to shake it off.

As of now I am drawing a line under what has been an unpleasant relationship. What happened today was the final straw. My son has other friends and we are heading over to the UK for a few months in a few weeks so that will put a natural end to it all.

glad I posted and thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
RobinSparkles · 06/04/2012 13:42

I think you're right about drawing a line under the friendship lally. I'm sorry she's been unpleasant to you and your DS.

My comment above was probably a little harsh. I'm feeling a bit snippy about this kind of stuff because of the "friend" I mentioned in my post.

Original poster
lallyp · 06/04/2012 13:45

Bellethebeatnik - thankyou as well for not just going on the attack and taking the time to actually write something balanced with a bit of thought behind it.

I pass on all my clothes to various other mamas.
I really did not feel entitled at all. It was nothing to do with the clothes. I have plenty and am currently blessed to be under no financial pressure (and nor is the recipient of the clothes)
There was much more to it and it was the accumulation of nearly 3 years worth of barbing/sniping/spiteful comments that came to a head with that final act. I could list off some starting with last Friday but it would be very dull.

I feel relieved that it is over, so thankyou x

OP posts:
southeastastra · 06/04/2012 13:47

lots of arsey people on here today, maybe the arsey lot should get out in the sun

Wink
Toughasoldboots · 06/04/2012 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MunroMagic · 06/04/2012 13:57

YABU. It is up to her who she decides to give her clothes to, and your post sounds a touch entitled. I think it was a nice way to welcome a new baby into the world.

mercibucket · 06/04/2012 13:57

I like toughasoldboots approach!
Sorry you are feeling down, op, sounds like it would be better to walk away. 'Friendships' for little ones are very easy-come, easy-go, so no need to hang out if you don't get on

Southeastastra - what flipping sun?! I've got the heating on here, brrrrrr

mercibucket · 06/04/2012 13:57

I like toughasoldboots approach!
Sorry you are feeling down, op, sounds like it would be better to walk away. 'Friendships' for little ones are very easy-come, easy-go, so no need to hang out if you don't get on

Southeastastra - what flipping sun?! I've got the heating on here, brrrrrr

RandomMess · 06/04/2012 13:58

It did seem very odd and insensitive to pass the clothes over in front of you as if to make a point - which clearly it was Sad

TheLightPassenger · 06/04/2012 14:01

good post, toughasoldboots. I'm sorry you are so upset Lally, whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation, this definitely sounds like a friendship to distance yourself from, as it has been making you son unahppy.

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 06/04/2012 14:03

A "bitch"?

Bloody hell.

everlong · 06/04/2012 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 06/04/2012 14:06

Sorry [bublush].

elvisaintdead · 06/04/2012 14:12

Yabu. I have a friend who gives me handmedowns as part of an informal arrangement but she also gives them to others as well. I give my hand me downs to more than one person. It's not just about the age of the LO's sometimes I just think it's their "turn" and would hate to think another friend was reading something into that. Sometimes I give a friedn back things that they have given me if they have life in them, eg a friend gave me some things from her older girl for my DD, I then passed them back to her for her much younger DD (the ones that were still usable).

I think you are reading far too much into it

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2012 14:13

Or it was a pointed thing to do because of past history/previous unpleasantness.
It wouldn't have hurt for her to be a bit more thoughtful about her actions, so it was highly likely it was a deliberate snub.

Seriously OP, I know you feel a bit vulnerable because of where you are living and it's a good thing you're going to be away for a while. This will make it easier to draw a line under this 'friendship'.

Original poster
lallyp · 06/04/2012 14:21

thankyou for your kindness.

the hardest thing about this post has been dealing with the attacking responses from people who couldn't care less.
vs
the kind responses from people who have bothered to actually read what i have written and reply constructively.

Its actually very much a reflection of real life and it has left me feeling even more stunned and isolated than when I started writing. The former group would fit in well with the woman I have been talking about. The latter are what i am looking for in friends.

OP posts:
everlong · 06/04/2012 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ErikNorseman · 06/04/2012 14:32

Woah there. Your op didn't mention any of the later information and based on what you put in it then you were bu. implying that posters who didn't understand the subtle dynamics through mind reading are bitches is out of order. If you are this oversensitive I wonder whether this woman is as bad as you say...

catsareevil · 06/04/2012 14:38

If you dont like her, and are coming away feeling horrible each time then its probably best to just draw a line under it. These things are usually mutual anyway.

catsareevil · 06/04/2012 14:40

And the first post was all about the clothes, so you cant really blame people for thinking that it was all about the clothes.

AberdeenAgnes · 06/04/2012 14:42

Gosh what a lot of drama!

Im sorry you feel blue op.

No need for you to character assassinate the people who took the time to reply to your post and responded to what you put in the op though. That was uncalled for.

Hope things improve for you soon though.

lisaro · 06/04/2012 14:49

OP you sound very highly strung. Have you ever looked into why you don't seem to 'find it hard to build relationships'?

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