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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that my girlfriend went out with her ex?

35 replies

Jaagerbomb · 06/04/2012 11:36

Ive been getting pissed off for a while about this ex as he's always posting on her facebook wall and trying to get involved with everything she puts on there. Apart from that he texts her and stuff and I dont see why as they have no kids together. She told he lived 200 miles away and she hadn't seen him for over 5 years.
So last night I was waiting for her to go on facebook (as we dont llive together this is how we chat on a night) and it got to 10pm and she still hadn't been on. I text her and she said she was "out with a friend". It turns out she went out to Nandos with this guy, he bought her a meal and then she invited him back into her house and he left at 10.30pm. She doesn't even see why I'm annoyed. Hoping to get other womens perspectives on this.

OP posts:
Vinomcstephens · 06/04/2012 11:41

Yep, I'd be reeeeeeally peed off about that too. I wouldn't have so much of a problem with DP staying friends with an ex (at least I don't think so!) but if he went out for dinner with one without telling me about it I'd be bloody narked. It just smacks of sneakiness - it could have been the most innocent get together in the world but the second she didn't tell you, rightly or wrongly, it immediately sets alarm bells ringing for me. So no, YANBU!

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 06/04/2012 11:43

Is she american by any chance? Americans seem to think nothing of seeing several people at once, and don't bat an eyelid at going on dates with different people on different nights. Other than that, I can't see why she did it, unless she just wants to piss you off so you dump her, then she can garner sympathy and be rid of you, without having to actually finish with you. If she wanted to be your girlfriend, she wouldn't go out with another man, ex or no ex.

Original poster
Jaagerbomb · 06/04/2012 11:45

Her story was that the guy works all over Britain and he was passing through our city to drive home and since they haven't seen each other for 5 years thought it would be "nice to catch up". She says she didn't tell me because she knew I'd be pissed off!!

OP posts:
Stogan · 06/04/2012 11:48

Sorry 5 years or 25 if I went for lunch with my ex (I'm now married with a baby) my hubby would go menta! Sorry !

puds11 · 06/04/2012 11:49

She should have told you, and if she knew it would piss you off, then maybe she knew she shouldn't really have gone. If i were going to do this i would check with my DP first to see if he was ok with, as i would hope he would do the same with me. Have you been together long though? i think if i had been in a relationship with the person that long, i wouldn't have botherd to tell them.

Original poster
Jaagerbomb · 06/04/2012 11:49

I dare say if I went out for dinner with my ex she'd go mental too!

OP posts:
fussbucket · 06/04/2012 11:53

You say you don't live together - how long have you been a couple? It looks like she isn't as serious about you as you are about her tbh.

ripsishere · 06/04/2012 11:54

I am not sure if YABU TBH. If I wanted to go out with one of my ex's, I'd ask my DH if he was bothered. I doubt her would be though.
It is just good manners at the end of the day.

kelly2525 · 06/04/2012 12:01

She's a grown up, she doesn't need to ask your permission to go out with anyone, you seem controlling, must she be on Facebook every night to keep you company?

A few hours in Nandos with an old friend sounds much more fun.

TheBigJessie · 06/04/2012 12:03

Good god. If I was your girlfriend, I would split with you.

cumbria81 · 06/04/2012 12:04

Jesus.YABU. He's her ex. They're just friends. Trust her for god's sake

StrandedLindtBunny · 06/04/2012 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jaagerbomb · 06/04/2012 12:06

It's not her I don't trust, it's him.

OP posts:
nightowlmostly · 06/04/2012 12:06

I have stayed in touch with exes, don't really see them much because I have moved city, but if they are still friends then why shouldn't they see each other? If you are secure in your relationship this shouldn't matter. What matters is the fact that she didn't feel able to tell you in the first place.

YABU

Tee2072 · 06/04/2012 12:08

Americans do that? I never knew I was dating wrong.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 06/04/2012 12:08

Bloody hell, I don't think you deserve those last few posts.
If this were the other way round and OP was a woman, I doubt she'd be told to get over herself.

OP I think the issue is that she didn't tell you. I'm sure it's perfectly innocent but if she knows this bloke raises red flags for you then she should have been honest with you before she went out with him. I'm not saying she shouldn't have gone, she absolutely should if he's her friend, but I'm not surprised that you're cross about how she's gone about it.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 06/04/2012 12:08

If you do trust her then it shouldn't matter who makes a pass at her really does it?

CalamityKate · 06/04/2012 12:09
SarahStrattonsEasterName · 06/04/2012 12:09

'Fraid I'm with the YABU camp. If I want to see an ex, I'll see them. I can't stand jealousy or controlling behaviour.

She either didn't tell you because it's not a big deal to her, or she didn't tell you because she knew you'd get the arse.

Either way, she's probs now not going to tell you in the future.

Puffykins · 06/04/2012 12:14

I'm friends, and will on occasion have lunch/ dinner/ go to the theatre with various of my exes. I don't see a problem with it, nor does DH, who equally has free reign to see his exes. They're our friends. A couple of them are Godparents to our children. I understand that some people, when they break up with someone, then cuts them out of their lives forever, but that doesn't have to be the case. If two people liked each other sufficiently to have a relationship, then it's not unreasonable to imagine that they might want to stay friends, surely?

kelly2525 · 06/04/2012 12:16

Clearly you don't trust her, jealous boyfriends aren't an attractive proposition, change your mindset, she isn't your property, and she doesn't need to ask permission to see anyone.

I bet your sulking and either giving her the silent treatment or questioning her over every detail.

TheBigJessie · 06/04/2012 12:20

dickiedavis

^Bloody hell, I don't think you deserve those last few posts.
If this were the other way round and OP was a woman, I doubt she'd be told to get over herself.^

I'd have said the same to a woman.

puds11 · 06/04/2012 12:24

I wouldnt mind if my DP was going to meet a friend, wuld still expect to be told about it, but we do live together, so its about who's in for tea etc. but if it was an ex, just the two of them going to dinner then i would wonder why. They are ex's for a reason, i dont see the need to be friends with them.

puds11 · 06/04/2012 12:25

*would

DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 06/04/2012 12:35

I'd have to say I'd be pissed off too. But then I am incredibly insecure. I try to reel it in but I've been this way since I was little, it can be hard to change a mindset.

Are you usually insecure? Do you usually trust your GF? Has she ever given you a reason not to trust her? I know from experience the more jealous you appear the further you push the other person- and the more thehy hide from you, to save themselves the hassle more than anything.

FWIW, I used to be friends with my ex, I thought he was a nice person. It soon became clear he had ulterior motives, so I ditched him. If your GF's ex is like this it will soon become clear to her I'm sure. And them it's up to her what she does about it.