To be pissed off that my girlfriend went out with her ex?

[Jaagerbomb]

Ive been getting pissed off for a while about this ex as he's always posting on her facebook wall and trying to get involved with everything she puts on there. Apart from that he texts her and stuff and I dont see why as they have no kids together. She told he lived 200 miles away and she hadn't seen him for over 5 years.
So last night I was waiting for her to go on facebook (as we dont llive together this is how we chat on a night) and it got to 10pm and she still hadn't been on. I text her and she said she was "out with a friend". It turns out she went out to Nandos with this guy, he bought her a meal and then she invited him back into her house and he left at 10.30pm. She doesn't even see why I'm annoyed. Hoping to get other womens perspectives on this.

She deliberately decived you by saying ' a mate'

I would get rid if she hasnt already cheated shes thinking about it.
its more the humiliation tbh that would get me.

YANBU not to like it, YABU to make a big deal. It's good relationship manners to a) run stuff like this past your partner beforehand and be honest and b) be equal about it, as in if she would make a big fuss about you seeing your ex she should be a bit more considerate in dealing with hers.

OH and I are each in contact with at least one ex. Neither of us are exactly thrilled about the other's dealings with exes. He's better about mine because he's met him, bonded with him over a shared favourite football team (I was less thrilled to find I'd slept with two fans of that team rather than one) and established that there is no threat. I would hope that now we live together I would be invited along were he to meet with any of his exes. (None of them live around here) One of his in particular rubs me up the wrong way, so I would be more-than-averagely unhappy about him meeting with her - but I would be less happy if he had done so in secret and told me afterwards.

On the other hand, I don't get why people think OP's girlfriend is less committed to him or doesn't take him seriously as a result of this - it's just as likely that she didn't realise how badly he'd take it. It takes practice to get used to being with someone and learn each other's boundaries.

Also, on the chat thing - OH and I were long-distance for a while, we communicated in the same way. Generally if one of us couldn't be online at the usual time we'd warn the other, so they could get on with stuff rather than being tied to the computer for ages waiting...

I regularly go out with my one of my ex's (who I lived with), in fact OH has had to pour both of us in to the car before. I'm in touch with one or two others

OH is out on a run with one of his ex's right now

You either trust each other or you don't

As for the comment 'It's not her I don't trust, it's him.'

What do you think, that he'd force her?
That she has no will/ mind of her own?

I'd be pissed of if he lied about it in advance, but other than that YABU

Sorry, but my DH would not go out for a meal with his ex, and neither would I.

We are both still friends with our ex's on Facebook. Due to having friends in common, we both see our ex's at parties and sometimes meals out, and will chat with our ex's. We had DH's ex to our evening wedding, and went to hers. They have so many friends in common, we can't avoid her. Not that we try. I actually think she is very nice. They dated for nine years (from 16 to 25), but didn't have any children together.

Neither of us telephone our ex's though. It's ten years since they split, and about eleven years since I split with my ex, and there is no awkwardness. But a meal with just the two of us, would be an absolute no.

Apparently it was awkward when DH first started dating me, as they'd split twice before but got back together. I think his ex thought it would be the same with their last split, and was heartbroken, that he met someone else. We met a month after the split, and immediately started dating. I didn't know he'd come out of a long-term relationship at the time. The ex met her now husband, and father of her children, about six months after the split. I think it was easier, with any awkwardness, once she started dating someone else. Although she never tried to get back with DH, or cause any problems with us.

It is easier to trust someone if you trust the people they're with though. I know OH isn't going to randomly start chatting up a woman in a bar if he's with people who are also my friends and wouldn't be impressed. I know he wouldn't initiate flirting with a woman who wasn't into it. I know that if he is sober/not too drunk and with friends who approve of our relationship, it wouldn't matter if someone started flirting with him, as the circumstances would be helping him resist. If he was with friends who dislike me (there are a few) and would cheer him on, or with someone who was coming on strong and others who didn't like/didn't know me and hence wouldn't care if he cheated in front of them, then yes I would worry about something happening. Not starting something is easier than saying no once things start heating up. He also trusts some of my friends more than others - it doesn't mean I stop seeing/talking to the others, just that I wouldn't get drunk alone with them and would make an effort to reassure OH before and after seeing them.

It sounds dodgy to me listen to your instincts, I do think having cosy reunions without telling your current BF is a deal breaker.

I think the fact they have a history makes it different to ' a mate'

i would not be happy with that at all, and neither would my dp if it was the other way round.

Saying that, i know other people who would be fine with it, but they wouldnt have been sneaky about it either

I'm really surprised, TBH.

I wouldn't even think about worrying if I went out for dinner with my ex. My DH knows I love him, and I've never done anything to make him doubt that. I couldn't be with someone who was so jealous and untrusting.

What on earth can you think they got up to in Nandos?!

I mean .... candlelit dinner at the Ritz, yep, I'd see your point. But this just sounds like a friendly meal.

You don't live together. She told you perfectly honestly she was out with a friend. What more do you want? I don't understand the comments about her being 'sneaky' at all - she wasn't.