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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go ahead with adoption even though DS keeps changing his mind?

32 replies

Birdylade · 05/04/2012 21:31

DH and I have been together since DS was 8 months old, he is now 7 and we have since had two more DD's.
DS's biological father has had nothing to do with him since he was 6 months old, now lives abroad and has since had two more children both by different mothers.
DH and I planned for him to adopt DS two years ago but DS's biological Dad refused to give his permission, claiming he was going to be a better 'father', and have some contact, we decided to give him a chance but we never heard from him again.

We have decided to start the adoption process again as we feel DS is old enough to be part of the decision. DS was very keen on the idea but whenever DH tell shim off he decided he 'doesn't want to be adopted anymore'.........

DH is now having second thoughts because of DS's comments, is it unreasonable to want to continue?

OP posts:

fossil97 · 05/04/2012 21:37

You might want to ask the question on the adoption board here.

My first thought would be to get some expert help/family counselling to help you all buy into the decision.

Your DS is old enough to have an opinion but not to see the bigger picture/long term consequences or understand why loving parents set boundaries etc. Maybe a counsellor could help him to understand quite what is being asked.

TattyDevine · 05/04/2012 21:37

YANBU

I think a talk along the lines of "love/parenting/our relationship" is more than day to day highs and lows, its a lifetime of love and bond and family for better for worse" etc etc if you think your DS can take it.

Sometimes people put barriers up not to create a divide but to see if someone is keen enough and devoted enough to break them down.

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2012 21:41

What's wrong with your DH being his Stepdad?

mamalovesmojitos · 05/04/2012 21:42

I agree with fossil. Yanbu to want a tight family unit but ywbu to go ahead with the adoption even though your ds has expressed doubts.

margoandjerry · 05/04/2012 21:43

Can you do this without DS father's permission? Sorry - I genuinely don't know.

holyShmoley · 05/04/2012 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Birdylade · 05/04/2012 21:43

Thanks, it has to be done through social services so perhaps they can offer DS some counselling?

I don't want him to have wonderful ideas about his biological Dad but neither do I want to tell him the facts as obviously I don't want to hurt him.

OP posts:

PurpleRomanesco · 05/04/2012 21:47

I think you should sit your son down and have a chat with him about DH and explain how disrespectful he is being by saying when he gets disciplined.

I understand how sensitive a subject it is and he is only 7 but he shouldn't be allowed to use this as a weapon. It's a lot different from him seriously changing his mind, It's sulking.

Original poster

Birdylade · 05/04/2012 21:47

We can do it without his biological father's permission but we didn't want to have to, it didn't feel right which is why we gave him 2 years to 'prove' himself.

For us the adoption is about security for DS, so that he grows up knowing DH has done everything he can do to be his father.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2012 21:47

holy the child's wishes would be taken into consideration too.

I don't know really OP...I think you're going to struggle to do with without his Dad's permission to be honest.

Original poster

Birdylade · 05/04/2012 21:49

PurpleRomanesco - I agree with you, although DH finds it quite difficult to hear when DS says it (he has said it twice).

OP posts:

margoandjerry · 05/04/2012 21:52

thanks for explaining.

Perhaps as well as explaining to your DS that this is hurtful, you also need to help your DH see himself as the boy's dad regardless of what DS said. As a biological parent you wouldn't bat an eyelid if a child said "I hate you, you're not my mummy" in anger. Hopefully DH will see that those words doesn't mean he has a different status in his DS's mind than you do.

Original poster

Birdylade · 05/04/2012 21:58

margoandjerry - Very true, I'll talk to both of them tomorrow.

I often try to put myself in DH's position but it is quite hard. I suppose the closest thing I have experienced is having close blood relations who I don't know or have met once and then having 'aunties' who I love and have known all my life who are not related to me by blood.

OP posts:

MaryZ · 05/04/2012 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fossil97 · 05/04/2012 22:01

We get the occasional "I want to go back to X and Y" after a telling-off. You have to remember it's a little boy's emotions speaking, as M&J said, not any serious rejection of you. Prepare something to say next time like "well I certainly still want to adopt you because I really love you even if you did just now..." It is just one of the joys of adoptive/step family life I guess.

gothicmama · 05/04/2012 22:03

You could look at other options such as a step parent responsibility order and write a will

RedHelenB · 05/04/2012 23:43

If your son isn't adopted & his step father dies intestate he wouldn't inherit but his sisters would.

Splinters · 06/04/2012 05:45

Have you explained to your ds that part of it is about making sure that if anything ever happened to you, he would be able to stay at home with his sisters and the dad who actually looks after him rather than having people argue about where he should live?

Original poster

Birdylade · 09/04/2012 19:11

We sat down and talked through the adoption and implications with DD and she said she understood but both yesterday and today has been (mildly) told off by DH (Easter Eggs and a rainy day made her very over exited) and both times she once again stated she didn't want to be adopted anymore....

She now says she does and she is sorry for being silly, I am really at my wits end. I wrote to her biological father and basically asked him to explain himself and his lack of contact, I said I wanted answers but as I thought have had no reply...

OP posts:

AbbyLou · 09/04/2012 19:41

I am confused - is your child to be adopted a girl or a boy? In your original post you said ds and 'him' but in your post of today he turend into a girl - dd and 'she'. Is it just me or has this become confusing?

Original poster

Birdylade · 09/04/2012 20:04

Umm, this is tather embarrassing she is in fact a girl but I put DS as I wanted to change the details in case someone recognised me from RL.

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 09/04/2012 20:26

I think you may need to put plans on hold for a little while. Its a huge decision and one where the child should have some say as it affects their future. If shes uncertain, then maybe wait until shes a teen and can make an informed choice.

Birdsgottafly · 09/04/2012 20:32

Thanks, it has to be done through social services so perhaps they can offer DS some counselling?

Direct work is usually done with the child and the family, because the court has to be satisfied that this is the right step to take.

I agree that a family talk is needed, children often use what they can to show their frustration at being punished/denied, your DD may not understand the impact of her threat. Girls can be more verbally vicious.

Original poster

Birdylade · 09/04/2012 21:16

They certainly can be.

I just feel the adoption would be the best thing for her and I'm scared her (understandable) inability to control what she says when angry is jeopordising this. It makes me so sad and the fact her biological dad is a fucking arsehole so selfish and immature makes it even worse

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 09/04/2012 23:19

My DS6 (tired and grumpy) didn't want to go to Frankie and Bennys tonight. We went anyway and he had to be dragged out after 3 courses and 'the best time ever'. My point being that at 7, she doesn't know what she wants. She has no concept of the legal ramifications should something happen to you (nor should she). Go ahead with the adoption - you are the adult.

That said, to me DS isnt actually thr problem I would be much, much more worried about your DH having 'second thoughts' after what is essentially a bit of 7yo button-pushing.

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