to NOT want to be treated "like a laydee"?

[SorryMyLollipop]

He wants to open car doors for me, carry my shopping bags etc.

I feel that it's patronising and sexist, or AIBU and really its sweet and kind?

Well, what Jaguar? Not all of them are very expensive..... But, a show off non-the the less! (Especially if he drives the "budget jag" )

I would be more "impressed" if he drove an understated luxury car, such as the Vovlo C70, or Audi A8, or a Lexus.....

Methinks this chappie is playing a role.

If he has to pose as impressive and polite driver of Jaguar, telling you he intends to treat you as a lady, he does not really hold you in high esteem does he? He is pinpointing that he sees himself as better than you. plonker.

YANBU. I find this kind of behaviour irritating too. It's not as though I'm disabled and unable to carry heavy items, moreover it's actually good for women to carry out load-bearing exercise as it builds bone strength.

Then explain kindly and graciously how you feel, at the start, and don't be a bitch about it or try to score points because you'll look ridiculous and a bit pathetic. Are you just wanting to pick him apart? It sounds like it a bit.

It's possible to be a feminist and still have doors opened for you.

I love it really, but only if it seems natural .Not if a big show is made of it. I particulary like being helped on with my coat.

DH opens my car door everytime I get in as there is something wrong with it and it has a weird knack thing you have to do to open it. I always think it the neighbours must thing I am right up my own arse as I stand there and he opens it

He has learnt somewhere along the way that this is the right thing to do for a woman you care about. Either talk to him and re-educate, or decide you like it and appreciate it. As long as it is just a courtesy and not an acknowledgement that you know your place.

It depends what he is like the rest of the time I suppose. If he is a kind, considerate person who enjoys being helpful then I think it is lovely.

Totally agree with Dust.

Also, that kind of behaviour can start off seeming nice but become quite controlling. I'd find it a bit weird.

If you want to tackle it nicely, maybe just suggest that you do the same for him sometimes - it should just be about good manners. DH and I open the door* for each other, help each other carry stuff, generally it's reciprocal unless there's a real strength/height/skill issue that favours one of us (he's taller and stronger, I can drive & fix stuff). We also enjoy treating each other on nights out, it works out fairly evenly but we don't keep score & it's nicer than going Dutch.

I'm sure if you're relaxed about it you can resolve the issue without seeming uptight and get to know the real person behind the taught 'manners'.

*as in, hold open doors. We don't open each other's car doors, that would be a logistical nightmare.

I'm all for good manners and helping each other but I'd find constantly having car doors opened, or bags always taken out of my hands, irritating and weird. The car stops, then I will get out when I want, I couldn't imagine sitting there and waiting until I'm allowed out. For a start it's impractical and time consuming.

It's about balance and the attitude it's done with. If he is opening doors/car doors/carrying shopping etc... When it is practical and helpful to you, and doing it with a smile and a normal chat, then that's lovely.

If on the other hand he is using it as a form of control 'you'll get out of the car when I'M ready' 'let me carry your bag, as I am MAN and you are WEAK'. Then obviously no, that's grim.

I guess you have to work out which sort of man he is (and soon, if you want to be in a relationship I wouldve thought)

Thanks everyone, so, in conclusion, I need to focus on his other qualities while considering his possible motivations and tell him if I feel uncomfortable.

I'll have to suck it and see

Gah YABU

Manners are in too short supply these days. I am amazed at how many men don't hold doors open and hardly anyone stands for a lady now.

Manners are marvellous. But it's not surprise we are losing them when people react like this.

If he opens doors for you because he thinks you can't do it yourself, then yes, there is an issue. But if he does it because he is courteous and well mannered and treats you like an equal then YABVU

Just a little thought.

I do think the electronic locking systems have changed things though. MIL stands by the passenger door waiting for it to be opened for her even if it's just me and her. I think it's because FIL's 27 year old volvo had to be opened manually and he always did her side first before he got in and she can't grasp the fact that her door is open and she is capable of grasping the handle and pulling it towards her. We have literally all been in the car (including DH) and she has still been standing at her side of the car. or she is congenitally difficult and expects the world to revolve around her

I would love to have a car door opened for me, it sounds so old fashioned, but I fear I would be left out in the cold for a very long time.

More seriously, I am a huge fan of manners but not if one feels patronised or made to feel helpless.

marriedinwhite - or it might be ingrained helplessness and "little woman-ness" in your MIL's case. Or in case she chipped a nail.

If he is treating you like a lady and you don't like it, you are obviously not one! Accept his good manners with grace and just say 'thank you'.

Oh, and if you carry something heavy for an old person, you are being ageist? No, of course you're not; you are just being mannerly and polite.

The fact that he has told you he is planning to do it is odd. And suggests he gets a kick out of it in some way, to me anyway. Like it's a sort of role play thing?

Nothing wrong with just doing it if that's how you do things but saying 'I'm going to treat you like a laydee and open doors and you should wait for me to do it' is odd.