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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT want to be treated "like a laydee"?

69 replies

SorryMyLollipop · 05/04/2012 07:03

He wants to open car doors for me, carry my shopping bags etc.

I feel that it's patronising and sexist, or AIBU and really its sweet and kind?

OP posts:
CaveMum · 05/04/2012 08:08

Opening doors for people is just good manners! I hold open doors for random strangers coming in/out of shops all the time, man or woman, young or old.

Original poster
SorryMyLollipop · 05/04/2012 08:10

But CaveMum what about car doors?

OP posts:
Ephiny · 05/04/2012 08:11

DP carries heavy stuff for me, it's surely just considerate to help someone who's struggling, and anyway he's bigger and stronger than me and so better at that kind of thing. He reaches things from high shelves for me too!

The car door thing is a bit odd though, surely you're equally capable of opening a door Confused. The 'treating you like a lady' stuff would make my skin crawl tbh. What exactly does that mean? Treating you with consideration and respect, yes, and offering help where you might need it, but that shouldn't be a gender-specific thing!

JasperJohns · 05/04/2012 08:12

Holding doors open is just courteous, everyone should do it automatically.

But OP was talking about car doors. I find that odd!

CaveMum · 05/04/2012 08:12

I usually open my car doors for people. I don't have central locking, so as I have to manually open the door with a key I might as well go the whole hog Grin

I don't close it for them though.

Dustinthewind · 05/04/2012 08:14

'I feel sorry for some blokes. Their parents raise them to treat women decently, with respect and courtesy, and they get it thrown back in their face that they are being patronising and sexist if they do it...'

I think the trick is to raise them so that they treat everyone with respect and courtesy. My two open doors, carry bags and other courteous acts, but it is gender-neutral and applies equally to friends, staff and little old ladies. If the person doesn't want help, they just say no.
'Treating you like a laydee' however shows that he thinks men and women should behave and interact differently based on their gender, and that is patronising.
The danger is also that he might want you to treat him like a man, and that may involve a whole list of gender-differentiated tasks for you that you might not feel comfortable with.
You need to explain to him why you don't see it as a compliment.

naughtymummy · 05/04/2012 08:14

I should be so luky.

Original poster
SorryMyLollipop · 05/04/2012 08:15

That's what I don't get, Ephiny, fair enough, be nice polite etc, great! But why the gender thing? He's 44, I'm 38 surely thats not enough of an age difference to make it an age thing?

OP posts:
everlong · 05/04/2012 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 05/04/2012 08:15

Opening car doors for someone, i.e. making them sit and wait while they get out, run around the car and open it from the side is only ever acceptable if it is peeing down with rain and they have got the umbrella from the boot on the way. Otherwise it's just silly (barring disability/illness of any kind).

Carrying shopping etc. for you = good manners and DH has to do this; although I do tend to still carry some myself so it doesn't look like he's a pack mule.

Opening/holding doors as you are about to walk through them is good manners; although personally I prefer that the man precede me into a restaurant so that he's the one who is accosted first about tables etc.

As other have said though - it depends on whether or not he treats you as an equal otherwise; if so, then he is being sweet and nice. If he treats you as "the little lady who shouldn't be expected to bother her pretty little head about anything beyond fashion and shopping" then you might want to re-think your situation!

QuintessentialShadows · 05/04/2012 08:15

He wants to play a role,and he wants you to play one too, if he is this conscious of the whole thing.

It still sounds pretty plonkerish to discuss it!

Ephiny · 05/04/2012 08:16

I assume actually the car door thing dates from the days where cars didn't have central locking, and it would be almost always the man who was driving. It seems a bit odd and unnecessary in most cases now though, especially if it's a gendered thing (men open doors for 'ladies') rather than 'the driver opens the door because he/she has the key)!

Dustinthewind · 05/04/2012 08:16

'DP carries heavy stuff for me, it's surely just considerate to help someone who's struggling, and anyway he's bigger and stronger than me and so better at that kind of thing. He reaches things from high shelves for me too!'

Exactly, it is surprising just how much a teenager can carry, but entertaining to load them up, Likewise the usefulness of having children considerably taller than their parents.

QuintessentialShadows · 05/04/2012 08:17

DustInTheWind, but I bet he did not announce his intention to carry bags for you at the beginning of your relationship, though?

Mine does too. He does it because it is a nice thing. He never told me he would though, so I dont bat an eyelid at it.

Original poster
SorryMyLollipop · 05/04/2012 08:17

'Treating you like a laydee' however shows that he thinks men and women should behave and interact differently based on their gender, and that is patronising. that's my concern, Dust

Bugger, I was hoping for a unanimous decision that IWBU

OP posts:
uruculager · 05/04/2012 08:18

garliccheesechips :o

Original poster
SorryMyLollipop · 05/04/2012 08:21

Quint I agree, I think I am a bit Hmm about it being discussed in advance

OP posts:
Ephiny · 05/04/2012 08:22

I think it's a personal thing really, some women might be flattered by it and enjoy the whole role play thing, others would hate it. If it makes you uncomfortable then I think you need to say so and explain why. If he can't or won't understand your concerns, he might not be the right partner for you.

Or he may have somehow got the idea that this is what you want or expect, and if you put him right about that then he'll stop doing it!

fatherchewylouis · 05/04/2012 08:23

With the shopping carrying YABU - we could do with a hand carrying all the shopping surely?

The car thing is weird if it is getting out of the car, but don't see what's stopping you just getting out yourself before he gets to the door to open it, unless he stalker locks you in, in which case you have more problems than being treated like a laydee.

TBH though, as you say its early days, don't expect it to last long anyway so your problem should be short-lived.

Dustinthewind · 05/04/2012 08:25

Exactly Quint, but he's a very silent sort anyway. I would just expect that a friend would help if they could, without a declaration.

Original poster
SorryMyLollipop · 05/04/2012 08:29

Thinking about it, he does drive a jaguar (with a personalised number plate) - maybe he is very precious about his paintwork etc has already sussed that I am a klutz Grin

OP posts:
Thistledew · 05/04/2012 08:30

My DP carries shopping if we are out together and will occasionally open car doors etc if it is convenient for the both of us- eg we are getting in a taxi.

If he did this when in fact it would be more convenient for me to do it myself then I would feel annoyed and patronised. Performing these 'chivalrous' acts just for the sake of it and not because it actually helps seems to be a way that some men try to buy gratitude when they are not actually doing anything worthy of us being grateful for.

A good example of this happened to me a few months ago. I was walking with a group of colleagues to a function and I had with me a large wheeled case. Earlier, it has been full and heavy but at that point was nearly empty apart from my purse and laptop.

My male colleague offered to take my case for me. I declined, saying that it was not heavy. He kept on insisting that he should take it, and suggested that "there are several other people going this way, you should let someone take it for you"Hmm.

I am sure that he felt that he was offering out of politeness and to be chivalrous, but there was an undercurrent of control about it- if I had handed him my bag with my valuables in it, I would have felt obliged to walk along side him so that I could know where my bag was and easily retrieve it from him once we reached our destination. It would have stopped me walking off to talk to someone else. It also would have meant that I would have owed him gratitude for doing something that I was perfectly capable of doing myself and in fact would have been an inconvenience to me. Not good reasons to be beholden to someone.

Whatmeworry · 05/04/2012 08:33

Thinking about it, he does drive a jaguar (with a personalised number plate) - maybe he is very precious about his paintwork etc has already sussed that I am a klutz

Maybe it's an old one that doesn't have auto-unlock from the key fob.....

I would dump anyone with a personalized number plate, now that is a serious wanker alert....

Original poster
SorryMyLollipop · 05/04/2012 08:33

I am sure that he felt that he was offering out of politeness and to be chivalrous, but there was an undercurrent of control about it

now you have mentioned it, Thistle, this could be my underlying issue (coming from a previous EA marriage Sad)

OP posts:
ChickenSkin · 05/04/2012 08:40

I'd dump anyone with a Jaguar.