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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be reluctant for PIL to do childcare & social time on top?

40 replies

Sequin1 · 04/04/2012 09:28

Hi

I am due to return to work in 3 months. I have DS 4 who starts school in sept and DD who is 5 months.

My parents live away and PIL live 10 minutes away. MIL been very supportive since birth of DD so can fault that. However I am now faced with a quandary.

I will go back 3 days per week and MIL has offered to pick up DS on those 3 days from
School (dd will go to a nursery) on paper yes great BUT whilst my PIL are great they would happily spend 7 days a week with the grandchildren and i know that on top of the 3 days after school they would also want to see us as weekends, they do all babysitting if we go out, would want to have kids in school holidays etc. I see my parents about 4 times a year so from a personal point of view this could be a nightmare.

What do I do, say yes to the 3 days as MIL is gagging to do it but explain weekends are our time or do politely decline the offer, go with a childminder and keep grandparent time to
Weekends/school holidays/ babysitting etc

Is it unreasonable to want space from in-laws and not want to co-parent my children. DP works long hours so can't help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sequin1 · 04/04/2012 09:29

That should be 'cant' fault thatGrin

OP posts:
callmemrs · 04/04/2012 09:40

I think it was you who also posted on another thread and I replied there.
Your suggestion of limiting the childcare they provide is a very sensible one. It all sounds a bit claustrophobic. You mentioned on the other thread that your MIL would happily revolve her entire life around your childcare needs. Shudder! That will come with a whole heap of expectation. It sounds like your children will see plenty of the PIL anyway as theyll still want social visits, so I would organise other care for the regular sessions and use PIL as back up/ emergency care?

ginmakesitallok · 04/04/2012 09:43

My DMIL has DD2 and does the school run for us 3 times a week. We also see her at weekends. It suits us perfectly - the kids love their granny very much, as se does them.

SnapSnafu · 04/04/2012 09:46

Complete opposite view here. I would so love to have either mine or dh's parents close enough to do after-school care. They would happily ferry to/from after-school activities like Rainbows. I wouldn't turn this down lightly, and the financial saving is great. I was talking to my mother last night about how lucky she was to have had my grandpa (her step-father) to be at home for me after school as a child. But having seen them after school, there would be no need to see them each and every weekend, surely? Have them stay for tea on the work days, yes, sometimes, but not always. The school holiday care, also, how lucky you are.

Having said all that, I would not, as you are not, entertain them doing childcare all day for your youngest - THAT would feel like co-parenting to me, and the opportunity for interference is massive!

Original poster
Sequin1 · 04/04/2012 09:48

Hi

Yes it's me! Thanks for replying I posted here as DP doesn't understand why I am reluctant to accept as is making me feel guilty

, I have already had a phone call as they have been asked by friends to go on holiday in June and wanted to check when I was going back to work before they said yes. Also was ill last week and straightaway said will have kids. Helpful yes, free yes but so overbearing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sequin1 · 04/04/2012 09:55

Thanks for the replies so far and I know it's something not to be sniffed at and DS loves spending time with PIL.

Unfortunately I know that one way or another we will see them every weekend be it a birthday, Easter, babysitting, sleepover, they want to take them to the beach etc. They live their lives for their family whereas my family have allways functioned independently and I am just not used to so much interference involvement.

OP posts:
callmemrs · 04/04/2012 09:58

I think you need to have a frank talk to your dp. Not in a confrontational way, but just explaining that it is overbearing for you. Tell him that he would no doubt feel the same if it were vice. Versa and your parents were wanting to see the children several times a week, plus weekends plus school hols. Hopefully he will see its not a personal issue; it's about you needing your space as as a family unit.

I think the fact that your PIL are considering turning down a holiday speaks volumes too. It's not healthy to revolve your life around someone else's. And even if they're keen as mustard now, how will they feel in a year or so time when they realise they won't be able to take holidays in term time because they'll have committed to after school care? The only way it would work is if they synchronised their time off with yours during school holidays. Having spent years only being able to take annual leave during school holidays, I'm looking forward to being able to shoot off when it suits us, once out kids leave school! Sounds like the PIL haven't really thought through all the implications.

McPopcornMouseNFries · 04/04/2012 09:58

Also was ill last week and straightaway said will have kids. Helpful yes, free yes but so overbearing.

Sorry, I think you're bonkers Hmm You asked her to have the kids because you were sick, but she's overbearing??

FannyFifer · 04/04/2012 10:03

Can't see the problem to be honest.

TheSecondComing · 04/04/2012 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyleeneCrass · 04/04/2012 10:07

I think you're being very ungrateful and if you can't cope with seeing them so much maybe you should pay a childminder instead?

squidworth · 04/04/2012 10:12

They do all the baby sitting and would want to see them during holidays. I would call that give and take. I would move to have someone that close who wanted to help.

Gapants · 04/04/2012 10:12

I think you have it a bit skewed too. You can't have it all your way and only babysitting when it suits you. GPs are hugely important to children and can have a massive positive impact on their lives. You probably need to set boundries and talk to her, but I think YABU a bit. Looking for the after school care from a CM can be very hard!

callmemrs · 04/04/2012 10:12

Thesecondcoming- I think that's a bit harsh on the op.
She's not coming across like some freeloaders who expect free childcare and then want to set all the ground rules too. It sounds like she's quite happy to organise and pay for childcare and just let the grandparents be grandparents. But the PIL seem to be of the type who live their life through other people and are being overbearing.

I am not a grandparent yet, but i think there's a fine line to be trod between being supportive, and actually being too involved. The op just wants to have family time together at weekends, especially as they'll have a busy schedule with work during the week.

Newmummytobe79 · 04/04/2012 10:19

I totally agree with callmemrs

It's great that she has the offer of free childcare but I'm sure she didn't see the inlaws that much when she didn't have children - and sometimes it can be a bit too overwhelming.

I understand that the grandparents want to see the children a lot - but it's not good when their lives revolve around her life/family and whether they mean it or not ... it does feel like interfering.

OP - do you know for a fact they will want to see them at the weekend too? Can you make up shopping trips/meeting with friends etc without them realising they are being fobbed off? Or just be damn honest and tell them your children see more of them than their Dad (as you say he works long hours I'm guessing this is true!) and go on about how much you're looking forward to YOUR family time?

Good luck! x

Original poster
Sequin1 · 04/04/2012 10:24

Thank you callmemrs, and you are correct in your summary below, perhaps I did not outline my situation clear enough.

I am fortunate that financially I can afford childcare and this would be my preferred option however I feel pressurised by MIL to allow her to be involved in childcare as she tells me most weeks she can do the pick ups when I go back to work and she only
Works mornings and as she said 'gets bored' and plans on giving up work in a couple of years anyway.FIL has also said to DS she wants to be involved.

I just don't want to see my in-laws 3-4 times a week particularly and I am
Trying to get advice on a compromise

OP posts:
Newmummytobe79 · 04/04/2012 10:27

Could you perhaps say you want to put your DC in childcare 1 or 2 days a week so that they can socialise with other children and feel comfortable going 3 days a week when your inlaws are on holiday/unavailable?

everlong · 04/04/2012 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sequin1 · 04/04/2012 10:29

I meant to say FIL said to 'DP'

Mummy to be - thanks. DP leaves the house at 6am and back at 7pm. I just like to protect my weekends as family unit time and time to see friends. Unfortunately they do like to see Grandkids at weekends, he has his own room their, loads of toys etc. don't get me wrong it's lovely but I just find it too much. I also don't want my children to forget about my family albeit they only see them a few times a year

OP posts:
lurkinginthebackground · 04/04/2012 10:34

Sequin, after reading your last post I would employ a child minder for after school.
You could try saying something like "Oh pil you already do so much for us that I couldn't possibly ask you to do after school pick ups as well." Then straight away add and ds has just made a new friend who also goes to the same childminder, so he is looking forward to spending time with this new friend. Ok it will be a lie but will add weight to your argument.

I can see how you need time to yourselves as a family without pils being there.

Good luck!

Newmummytobe79 · 04/04/2012 10:39

Sequin - how much time do they want/expect at the weekend? I shoud take my own bloody advice ... but once it becomes 'routine' - it's hard to break it.

Also - does DH have a sibling you can convince to give them more grandkids! Grin

Newmummytobe79 · 04/04/2012 10:41

And it's tough your parents live away - I know it sounds terrible but spending time with your own parents never seems to require the effort it does with inlaws. Well in my experience anyway.

BaronessBomburst · 04/04/2012 10:41

Having read lots of threads on here about PILs and childcare, as you can afford it, I would use a paid childminder and let the GPs be GPs. The boundaries too often become blurred. Friction arises when the parents and GPs have different rules and ideas about everything from weaning to bedtime to safety. Avoid any confrontation and keep business and pleasure separate.

YANBU and I can totally see your point of view.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/04/2012 10:48

You need to separate the issue about how much your family see the dc and how much your DHs family see the dc. I understand why you don't want one side to have so much more time than the other, but that is a separate issue to your childcare situation.

Wouldn't it be easier to limit contact at the weekends if the in laws do get to see the dc during the week? I would have thought that if they never saw the dc during the week there would be even more pressure on you to give up time at the weekends for them.

YellowDinosaur · 04/04/2012 10:49

Your children won't forget your parents. My sister lives in nz with her 2 kids and despite the fact we only see them once a year my sons talk about them at least as much as their cousins in this country. So don't not do this because of concerns about their relationship with your own family (who from the sounds of it don't want anymore anyway).

I understand where you are coming from though. But I'd be reluctant to turn this down as you can make it really work to your advantage especially if your relationship with ils is good.

I think the suggestion of your son going to after school club 1 or 2 days a week so he knows it for occasions when pils have holidays etc is a good one. Then on the days that she does have your son how about they stay for dinner too so they can also see their son.

It is then not so hard to say to them that you will not be able to see them every weekend as you need family time for just the 4 of you especially as once you are back to work you will all be busy in the week. That you would aim to see them every other weekend for Sunday dinner or morning coffee on sat (which would still give you most of the weekend as your own family unit) with maybe longer trips out once a month.

Would this work? Clearly its not reasonable to exclude them from all weekend time if they are helping so much but equally it doesn't sounds as though they feel the childcare is a chore and would be upset to lose this for the sake of it. Afterall who is any of us to say they are wrong to revolve their lives around your children? Its not for me but if that is what makes them happy then it seems daft to take it from them because it wouldn't be for you.