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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be reluctant for PIL to do childcare & social time on top?

40 replies

Sequin1 · 04/04/2012 09:28

I am due to return to work in 3 months. I have DS 4 who starts school in sept and DD who is 5 months.

My parents live away and PIL live 10 minutes away. MIL been very supportive since birth of DD so can fault that. However I am now faced with a quandary.

I will go back 3 days per week and MIL has offered to pick up DS on those 3 days from
School (dd will go to a nursery) on paper yes great BUT whilst my PIL are great they would happily spend 7 days a week with the grandchildren and i know that on top of the 3 days after school they would also want to see us as weekends, they do all babysitting if we go out, would want to have kids in school holidays etc. I see my parents about 4 times a year so from a personal point of view this could be a nightmare.

What do I do, say yes to the 3 days as MIL is gagging to do it but explain weekends are our time or do politely decline the offer, go with a childminder and keep grandparent time to
Weekends/school holidays/ babysitting etc

Is it unreasonable to want space from in-laws and not want to co-parent my children. DP works long hours so can't help.

OP posts:

otchayaniye · 04/04/2012 10:50

haha, can't offer any advice but just wanted to say i am jealous

MIL can't take children as looks after parkinsons husband and my own mother forgot the name of my youngest daughter the other week.....

thebody · 04/04/2012 10:53

See your point, my dh grew up in a big family and they all actually holidayed together, asked us to go and we said no so they actually found out where we were staying and booked a week in the same caravan site at same time as a surprise. It drive me mad then even though pil were lovely.

They have both since died and wish to goodness could have them back again and in our lives so u r lucky really lots of parents would love thus much support from gps

However I don't approve if gps doing all the childcare as I think it blurts boundaries of relatuonshios( just me) gps should b all about the fun and not daily child care grind. Also kids need other kids

Tell them children need to b with other children so they going to cm or nursery and see them for fun at weekends

This should avoid them interfering and save your sanity.

callmemrs · 04/04/2012 10:56

Oh and hear hear to what yellow dinosaur says about the kids not 'forgetting ' the other grandparents

My own grandparents lived miles away when I was a kid, so visits were restricted to maybe twice or 3 times a year. IMO they were all the more special and memorable because of that. Some of the magic would have been lost if they'd lived along the road and picked me up from school every week. It's quality not quantity!

Flisspaps · 04/04/2012 10:56

Pay a CM. If you're hesitant now, then listen to that. It's easier not to start this than it will be to let them start looking after DS so often and then trying to change your mind later without upsetting them.

carben · 04/04/2012 11:00

If the GP's love the kids and they them - I can't really see what the problem is. They are your kids flesh and blood - who better to take care of them when you as parents can't. The GP's won't be around for ever or may get ill etc. They just want to have a proper relationship with their grandchildren while they can. I remember my own GP's so fondly and as such a huge part of my childhood.

jen127 · 04/04/2012 11:13

Oh to have your problem's !
I do agree that they seem a little bit overbearing but to be frank I would love to have any level of assistance as we live abroad and have no family near us.

Would you be comfortable saying that whilst grateful for all of their support it would be nice to have at least one weekend a month to do something just the four of you ?
I am still jealous, myself and my husband last went out together about 3 months ago , we have a combination of shifts / babysitting costs and availability issues....
I would tread careful tho , as I can imagine it is a sensitive subject at home.

Flisspaps · 04/04/2012 11:27

See, I sympathise with all those of you who say you'd love more help and wish you had more assistance - I really do, but I don't see how it's helpful at all to the OP. There's a difference between help that's wanted and appreciated, and Just Too Involved.

I love my ILs and my parents, but I wouldn't want to have them doing childcare for me three days a week AND see them every weekend AND in the school holidays. Of course the family is more than just parents and children, but there also has to be time where it is just you and your children and that's going to be limited already with the OP's DH working such long hours.

Eglu · 04/04/2012 11:34

Defintely get a cm. Tell your MIL that you don't want her to feel tied to looking after your DC.

The holiday phonecall is a perfect example. You don't want to feel you are restricting her life. My MIL offered childcare too, but she likes to just go on holiday for a few days with little notice and doesn't realise that it completely dumps me in the shit.

You need to tell her that you want her to just enjoy her GC without having to feel she must have them.

signet · 04/04/2012 11:40

Why don't you just talk to them about how you feel and set some boundaries that would work for all of you? Surely that would save any bad feeling ? Sounds like they are simply trying to be helpful and involved and yes I can understand how that might feel overbearing but perhaps they just don't realise? I'd talk to them before doing anything.

Shelby2010 · 04/04/2012 11:41

Don't really see the problem with GP looking after DS after school. It's not impacting on your family time in any way and they and your son will enjoy it. For school holidays I would accept some childcare from them but also arrange kids club activities on some days/weeks so that DS gets time with other children.

Then as another poster said this will help when you try to limit the amount of time you spend with them at the weekend as 'that's the only time their Dad gets to see them'.

I think you do need to discuss with DH how much time it's reasonable to spend with his parents and plan accordingly. I can see that spending time with them yourself is a bit of a chore. Maybe, for example, DH could take both kids round to their house for breakfast on a Sun morning so that you can have a lie in.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/04/2012 11:57

I had this with my ILs when I had my ds1. If they weren't at work, then they were on my sofa monopolising my baby - it drove me mad, to the point where I would pretend to be out sometimes, just to get some space.

I would be inclined to let them do the after school pick ups, and maybe one day with the baby (and 2 in nursery/with CM) and keep weekends just for yourselves. I think it is nice for kids to be looked after by people who genuinely love them - so if the GPs are up to it, then it's good for your kids to be cared for by them. That's provided the GPs will look after them as you would want and not contradict you or undermine you, in which case I wouldn't be happy with them doing the child care.

My mil would happily spend all day every Sunday in my house, but I barely see my dh in the week and so have asked her to visit in the week instead, so we can have the weekends to ourselves. I think it's important for the relationship.

cronsilksilt · 04/04/2012 12:06

I would also go for what karma has suggested. The childcare and the w/e sound like 2 different issues - you're going to have to tackle the w/e regardless of whether they go to a CM or not. Let MIL do the pick ups and keep the w/e for family time.
Once dd starts school she'll make lots of new friends and will be at a birthday party most weekends anyway! She may well also want to do activities that her friends are doing.

BigRedIndiaRubberBall · 04/04/2012 12:40

Why not use the money you save on childcare to book plenty of weekends away? And don't let them know where you're going, in case they pull the same trick thebody's ILs did!

redskyatnight · 04/04/2012 12:49

Regardless of whether your PiL pick DS up, I think seeing them every weekend is too much (especially as you both work full time and don't see the DC much during the week). So I'd address this first. If you were down to seeing them (say) for Sunday lunch every 2 or 3 weeks and you specifed the GP could have them for a day each week during the holidays, how would you feel then?

Personally I think using the GPs on 1 or 2 days and childminder on the others is a good plan - it gives you a backup either way (DC are too ill to go to childminder, or GP want to go away).

How much childcare to GPs do at the moment? My MiL cares for my BiL's DD 2 days a week - and much as she adores her, she finds that is enough for her and doesn't have any great desire for any more.

pudding25 · 04/04/2012 13:07

My in-laws pick up DD 3 days a week while I am at work and will have her whenever we go out. We are very lucky as they are like your in-laws and love/want doing it. However, they are happy for us to do our thing at the weekend unless we specifically ask to see them.
You will probably find that your in-laws will be happy to let you get on with your own thing at the weekend, especially when they are doing lots of childcare in the week. Also, you will find that at weekends, you will have school parties to go to etc and can just say you are busy.

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