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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know it is unreasonable to even think about calling a little girl a bitch

39 replies

Oakmaiden · 03/04/2012 14:17

but I can't think of another appropriate word.

Anyway - here is my conundrum:

My daughter dances regularly - she has been dancing since she was about 3 and moved to a new dance school when we moved house about 2 years ago (she is now 8). She loves to dance- - spends all her time tap tapping or jete-ing about the house. She is good at it too - not "top of the class and does it without any effort" good, but does very well and could do even better if she focused a bit more at it (apparently). She does well enough that she has been selected to dance a special bit in her dance school's show.

So anyway - recently she has started complaining about having to go to lessons. It seems the trouble is that she has never really settled at this school, and has trouble with a couple of the girls there. She has told me about it many times, and I have always just said to her to ignore them, they are clearly not very nice and not worth her time worrying about.

This week I took her to dancing and we got there a couple of minutes later than normal - the other girls were all there sitting on the floor. As we walked in I saw one of the little darlings look my daughter up and down appraisingly and say to her friend "Look at LittleOak's shoes!" cue girls putting their heads together and giggling. My daughter was wearing very ordinary trainers - the ones she wears to play sport and kick around in the garden. We then went over to speak to the teacher (about something completely unrelated) and again I heard this girl saying something I didn't quite catch about my daughter, and this time everyone in the group stopped what they were doing and turned around and looked at her - some with smirks on their faces. At this point I did mention it to the teacher.

So - my real "AIBU". Am I Being Unreasonable to expect my daughter to just tough it out and not let a couple of nasty children chase her away from this?

FWIW - my daughter is a very bright child, and has no trouble at school academically and is a bit of an "alpha" child in her classroom. In fact she is currently enlisting children from the upper years of her school to play in a football match she is arranging. I am aware she has managed to get Year 5 and 6 boys to agree to be in "her team" - so she doesn't normally struggle socially! And in a way that is one of the reasons I don't think it will hurt her to stick this out - dancing is something sh has to work at to be good at, and having to not be "top of the heap" socially all the time isn't a bad thing either. Although it isn't happy for her. I was thinking of trying to arrange a couple of "play date"s with a couple of the nicer girls at dancing, to help her feel a bit more included though...

This has turned out really long! sorry - I have a terror of being accused of drip feeding!

OP posts:

eggtimer · 03/04/2012 14:19

Remember the other little girl is also learning and growing up - and YWBVU to call her a bitch, yes.

As far as your DD goes, she sounds very well-adjusted - I would talk to her about the reasons why other children might be unpleasant but generally yes, just let her get on with it.

Hebiegebies · 03/04/2012 14:23

OP is only using the term bitch on here, not in RL I think

Girls can be soooo horrid :(

SmethwickBelle · 03/04/2012 14:27

As she's doing so well in other spheres I agree she may well have the skills to manage these wee witches without your help. Not withstanding that a few pointers and lots of encouragement might be helpful though and some gentle stage management if things are getting unpleasant. I can see what you mean about it not coming as easily to her as other situations and agree with you that if she can tackle unpleasant people that's a skill worth having. You're right not to step in just yet although I am sure you are sorely tempted!

Goawaybob · 03/04/2012 14:28

I have thought worse things about girls who have been nasty to my DD, i would never vocalise it, but the thoughts are there - YANBU i hope you get it sorted out. Do these other girls go to the same school? Id have a word with the dance teacher

Original poster

Oakmaiden · 03/04/2012 14:29

I didn't ACTUALLY even call her a bitch on here - I just acknowledged that it was in my head really. It is in my head, but I know it is wrong to even think in such terms about an 8/9 year old.

I felt really sad that she weas being so horrid to my daughter though. I think I understand now why daughter has been reluctant to go dancing. I wouldn't want to go somewhere that that happened to me on a regular basis.

But at the same time - I don't want her to be chased away by this lovely little darling....

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 03/04/2012 14:30

itll pass, theyll be picking on the length of another girls plaits next week.

give her a hug.

ButteryBiscuitBase · 03/04/2012 14:30

I think this age is a very difficult one for girls generally I struggle with dd and her friends or frenemys as it seems! I think the playdate is a good idea.

I think it is "bitchy" behaviour but I think unfortunately its something little girls these days seem to have to deal with.

cheesesarnie · 03/04/2012 14:31

is she usually friends with the main girl?

Cassettetapeandpencil · 03/04/2012 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Oakmaiden · 03/04/2012 14:36

No - she has been going for 2 years (actually, now I think about it it is closer to 18 months, cos she didn't start as soon as we moved), and doesn't seem to have really made friends at all. But she has always apparently had trouble with a couple of them - so she tells me.

Just stupid things like they laugh at her hair (again, very ordinary hair), or tell her she has "babyish" tap shoes (because the toe taps are bolted on and not screwed on?!?) or take her snack from her and hide it, so she has to go looking for it. Really stupid stuff.

I think maybe I need to work out who the parents of these children are and ask some OTHER parents if their child would like to meet up to play or something. (Don't want to invite one of them by mistake!)

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 03/04/2012 14:37

I would talk to her about some suitable responses that she could say to the nasty girl(s) to make it clear she won't tolerate being spoken to/about like that. Things like 'I don't care what you think of me' and 'That's a very unkind thing to say'.

Are there some nicer girls in the class she could buddy-up with? It seems to put bullies off bullying if the person they try to bully has friendships with others and doesn't appear to care about the bully's behaviour.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 03/04/2012 14:39

Or the other alternative is to move her to a different dance school? What does the dance teacher say about it all? I feel with pupils of age 8 she should be monitoring behaviour and not tolerating unkind behaviour from pupils

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/04/2012 14:40

Oh Oakmaiden I sympathise with the trials and tribulations of the social life of the 8 year old girl. I have one too (8 year old girl, not social life, sadly)

Mine has had quite a bit of trouble this year (Year 3) socially speaking with different circles of friends, different girls being the BFF one week, out of favour the next, some tears, some playground shenanigans, etc etc. Up until now she has always been so easygoing and friendly with everyone and TBH a bit of a Queen Bee (oldest in her year group sort of thing) and I'm ashamed to admit I was rather smug about it. "Oh, MY DD is just so well-adjusted" I would tell myself when my friends told me of their own DC's friendship problems. So as you can imagine, it has been an eye-opening adjustment for me to realise that she really is just like other girls and has the same problems as anyone would with friendships as they grow and develop.

No proper advice frome me I'm afraid, just that I think I would continue doing what you're already doing - don't let her give up dance or change dance schools just because of a couple of lovely little darlings (love that phrase), but talk to her and reassure her just like you are doing. Imagine what great experience this is for her to have under her belt - she will have already started dealing with these sorts of issues before she gets to secondary school where they turn into real bitches .

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/04/2012 14:42

Oh and what Hexagonal said.

Original poster

Oakmaiden · 03/04/2012 14:45

The dance teacher is going to keep an eye on it, and is encouraging my daughter to mix with some of the other girls (apparently she hadn't been mixing with the others at all until recently, but had been sat on her own). Not sure really what she can do though - my daughter isn't really one to tell tales when things like this happen - just to come home and tell me, by which time it is too late.

I am reluctant to move her to a different school - firstly because this really is an exceptionally good dance school and also because I don't really want her to learn that the way to deal with this is to run away from it.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know what would be best. I want her to be happy -of course I do- - but I also want her to be resilient and able to work out her differences with people. I just am not sure how to help her to develop these skills.

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 03/04/2012 14:50

I think there's a difference between someone being blatently unkind and almost bullying your DD (which IMO seems to be the case here) and her simply having differences with someone, and I think perhaps that might be something to keep in mind here when you are waiting to see how this pans out.

Yes by all means encourage her to stand up for herself and to keep going to lessons but it might be that her confidence and self-worth are fairly low in dance lessons because of these girls, hence why she may not be mixing. 18 months is a long time to be stuck in a class with children, week after week, that seem hell bent on making you miserable. Also perhaps other children won't mix with her because these girls are intimidating and they daren't in case the girls turn on them? She wont' be able to dance to her full potential if she has little madams critisising everything about her and making her nervous. I do feel too that it isn't really enough that the dance teacher is keeping an eye, and that those that are being mean need to be told off and their parents informed, otherwise they will think they can get away with it. In my experience with my DDs, at this age things need to be nipped in the bud otherwise they grow and grow.

Hoebag · 03/04/2012 14:50

Aw I feel for you little girls can be horrible.

Proudnscary · 03/04/2012 14:54

Young children are not 'nasty' or 'bitches'. They are pretty much totally products of their parents and their upbringing.

I feel for you but agree you need to help her learn to deal with life's challenges and work through them.

limitedperiodonly · 03/04/2012 14:57

I think you're being a bit hard on her to expect her to 'tough it out'.

I know you're thinking this way with every good intention. You can see your DD is a nice person and a very capable one and can understand that it's only fair that she isn't top of the heap in this class because she doesn't have a special talent.

But this girl is not playing fairly. Your DD is probably a target for her exactly because she's capable in other spheres. The girl is probably inadequate and insecure and recognises the opposite your DD and wants to crush it out of fear and resentment.

And actually, who says that if you're the best dancer in a Saturday morning class you have the right to be top dog? It's not the Royal Ballet School.

Have a word with the teacher. Like Hex said she should be on the lookout for this. Sadly some dance/gym/singing teachers can foster this kind of behaviour. If so, you'll probably have to move your DD.

Your DD does not deserve a moment of misery because of another little girl's inadequacy. I do feel sorry for the girl that she feels this way. She's probably in a miserable place. But it's not your DD's fault.

duckdodgers · 03/04/2012 15:00

proud I agree that children are a product of their upbringing - but they can also be nasty to.

LaCiccolina · 03/04/2012 15:04

Sounds like growing up Im afraid. Some girls are nasty, some are nice. Most are usually a mixture of the two things. Im quite sure your own if given the right circumstances could be similar, its just power isn't it? Being queen in your own little patch for a minute or two. (on here perhaps just in your own post reading some of them?)

All that said, watch it and use the appropriate channels to deal with it and keep talking to your daughter about it. Don't sweep it under a rug but equally don't harp on about it as it might disappear. I remember one of the best times me and my mum came up with our own private in jokes about one particular girl which when she teased me I repeated to myself in my head so I could laugh not cry. She also taught me the art of a pointed stare.... I could at one point freeze water at 20 paces if required. It didn't help the pain of name calling but did give me a little bit of power back mentally. Good luck. I hope it works out for her.

limitedperiodonly · 03/04/2012 15:09

firstly because this really is an exceptionally good dance school

okay, maybe it is the Royal Ballet School .

But honestly, your daughter is being bullied. The teacher seems to be abdicating responsibility by saying she's not a mixer. She's not mixing because the other girls are probably too scared or cowardly to go against the ringleader.

It's easily dealt with. The teacher should be doing it.

Your daughter deserves to enjoy her classes. She may even be very good at them if the pressure was off. As it is, her 18 months there have been wasted. I'd be very angry at the teacher for letting it go on. It must be horrible for your daughter and for many other girls in the class.

RosemaryandThyme · 03/04/2012 15:13

Could she change dance schools, the nasty girl thing will always be on her mind no matter what you do, and to be honest if she isn't really good at tap by now might she fancy a change to modern dance or something ?

Original poster

Oakmaiden · 03/04/2012 15:13

LaCiccolina - "on here perhaps just in your own post reading some of them?"

Am I misreading this? Do you think I am nasty in my posting? Or are you being more general?

OP posts:

dexterthecat · 03/04/2012 15:14

I know it's a bit of cliche but from everything you've said I suspect the horrid girls are jealous of your daughter and this is a way to try and bring her down. Maybe you just need to point out to your daughter all the positives potentially why these girls are behaving the way they are???

When I first started work in a very male enviroment I suffered horribly through nasty comments and bullying. My boss said something which always stuck which was that they were jealous because they knew I would go far but none of them would move from where they were. And yes he was right!!!! Oddly they greet me now like a long lost friend and fail to accept how they behaved (apparently it wasn't bullying it was character building!!)

Does she have any friends or allies at this dance class?? If she does I would suggest she does 'tough it out' (but the teacher needs to know too). However
if she has no friends there maybe you should look at a different class???

Re the 'bitch' comment. You wouldn't be human if you didn't think it. A 12 girl recently hurt the feelings of my 12 year old son (by privately indicating she was interested in him but then publically belittling and humiliating him). Yes I called her all sorts of unsavoury names in my head but thankfully my son's elder half brother dealt with it (in a much more mature way than I would have done!!!) by ensuring everyone knew what she was doing and making sure everyone was aware of her nasty behaviour.

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