I know it is unreasonable to even think about calling a little girl a bitch

[Oakmaiden]

but I can't think of another appropriate word.

Anyway - here is my conundrum:

My daughter dances regularly - she has been dancing since she was about 3 and moved to a new dance school when we moved house about 2 years ago (she is now 8). She loves to dance- - spends all her time tap tapping or jete-ing about the house. She is good at it too - not "top of the class and does it without any effort" good, but does very well and could do even better if she focused a bit more at it (apparently). She does well enough that she has been selected to dance a special bit in her dance school's show.

So anyway - recently she has started complaining about having to go to lessons. It seems the trouble is that she has never really settled at this school, and has trouble with a couple of the girls there. She has told me about it many times, and I have always just said to her to ignore them, they are clearly not very nice and not worth her time worrying about.

This week I took her to dancing and we got there a couple of minutes later than normal - the other girls were all there sitting on the floor. As we walked in I saw one of the little darlings look my daughter up and down appraisingly and say to her friend "Look at LittleOak's shoes!" cue girls putting their heads together and giggling. My daughter was wearing very ordinary trainers - the ones she wears to play sport and kick around in the garden. We then went over to speak to the teacher (about something completely unrelated) and again I heard this girl saying something I didn't quite catch about my daughter, and this time everyone in the group stopped what they were doing and turned around and looked at her - some with smirks on their faces. At this point I did mention it to the teacher.

So - my real "AIBU". Am I Being Unreasonable to expect my daughter to just tough it out and not let a couple of nasty children chase her away from this?

FWIW - my daughter is a very bright child, and has no trouble at school academically and is a bit of an "alpha" child in her classroom. In fact she is currently enlisting children from the upper years of her school to play in a football match she is arranging. I am aware she has managed to get Year 5 and 6 boys to agree to be in "her team" - so she doesn't normally struggle socially! And in a way that is one of the reasons I don't think it will hurt her to stick this out - dancing is something sh has to work at to be good at, and having to not be "top of the heap" socially all the time isn't a bad thing either. Although it isn't happy for her. I was thinking of trying to arrange a couple of "play date"s with a couple of the nicer girls at dancing, to help her feel a bit more included though...

This has turned out really long! sorry - I have a terror of being accused of drip feeding!

I don't think I could take DD somewhere week in week out knowing she was going to be made miserable. If the teacher can't stamp it out quickly then I would vote with my feet and be off. Doesn't matter if it's the best school in the area, hobbies are supposed to be enjoyable.

That type of verbal bullying is easy to overlook so she'll probably continue to get away with it, if she gets pulled up it will just be a "joke". I wouldn't tolerate it for myself and certainly wouldn't expect a child to put up with it.

Sorry OP, I think this is serious and could have quite a big impact on your DD's future confidence.

limitedperiod raises an excellent point about the teacher abdicating responsibility and trying to shift blame onto your daugher. I would be very very surprised if after 18 months of lessons the teacher didn't at least have some idea of what has been going on. And it sounds as though she has just let it go, sticking with the majority and all that. And I would also be questioning exactly why she hasn't been encouraging your DD to mix and perhaps pairing her up in lessons with others that aren't involved in the main clique of girls.

When my eldest DD was bullied at primary school a few years ago, we got a similar response from her class teacher, that she just 'didn't mix' and they basically abdicated responsibility too. We removed DD from the school and to be honest reflecting on this thread and reading other responses, I would certainly remove her. It may be a good school but good for who? Only for the queen bee pupils it seems? Your DD's dancing would probably progress a lot more if she was in a less 'good' dance school but one where she wasn't intimidated, could enjoy her lessons and where the teacher supported all pupils!

RosemaryandThyme - she is good at tap (got 74% in her Grade 1 - not the best in her class, but a very acceptable result) - but actually she does ballet, tap and modern (and limber). Ballet is her best dance subject though. Not many dance schools around here do all three subjects and certainly not the Cecchetti syllabus she is following.

I am reluctant to move her. I think really that is what I was looking for opinions on, as much as anything. Should I move her/let her stop? Decision not helped by the fact they are half way through rehearsing for a show - in which she is doing 3 group dances one of which has a "special bit" that she is dancing a part on her own. So her leaving would mean the teacher would have to re-choreograph and reallocate the parts. And would mean she wouldn't get to do the show (and the Show is what it is all about, for my daughter. She loves to be on stage.) But then - once the show is over then she will straight into doing her exams (which were put off because of show rehearsals) and then prepping for the festival (which they use the show dances for).

I find it terribly difficult to make decisions like this.

I would move her. Absolutely. Without a doubt. If you don't, in the future it may affect her and she may resent you for forcing her to carry on at the current school where she is unhappy, And, well, if the teacher has to re-choreograph, well that's not your problem is it? It will be no more inconvenient for her than it has been for your daughter having to put up with hassle each week from fellow pupils. All Dance Schools do shows, I'm sure there will be plenty of other performance opportunities for your DD

I think I didn't really register quite how bad it was until I saw for myself this week.

Try not to beat yourself up about it Oakmaiden, after all you weren't to know as your DD hadn't directly told you. Instead take this opportunity to sort it now and make things nicer for her :) I would also not hesitate to tell the dance teacher exactly why you are moving her.

FGS just move her! It's her hobby - it's supposed to be fun. I honestly think she'll end up giving it up if you keep putting her in a situation where she has to deal with bullies every Saturday. It sounds like the teacher isn't able to deal with it (fair enough, I suppose a dance teacher wouldn't necessarily be trained in how to handle bullying?) and it sounds like your DD is hating it. She's only 8, by your own admission she's not exceptionally talented so why are you forcing her to go to the 'best' school? Wouldn't she be better off having fun at the second best school?

I used to dance as a child and went through this exact thing - some of the girls were very cliquey and the mothers weren't much better! I packed it in in the end partly because I didn't like the bitchiness (I was only about 7) but also because I felt like I was missing out on other things through being at dancing 3/4 nights a week.
I regret it now TBH dancing in shows would have been great fun and I might have been good enough to win medals. I think you should get her tough it out, rise above it and ignore the nasty girls and make friends with the others there. You are right it probably will be good for her to not be top of the social heap all the time, it should make her kinder and more considerate of other's feelings.

Ah OK so really then the outcome you'd like is for your lass to have a good time and the nastyness to stop, she doesn't have to pally up with the girls-girls tend to drop out of dance classes a lot from 9 onwards so we just need to get your lass through a few bumpy sessions.

OK (stiffens back and stretches jumble-sale elbows) - this is what must be done - you must plan that there is an adult, preferably Dad but you if not, with your lass through all the next few lessons (three weeks worth at least) - be in the changing rooms, sitting at the back of the hall, back into the changing room and side by side with your lass all the way back to the car.

Ensure that at all times you guys are smiling and laughing together (none of this hide and blend in mentality) - remember your the cool family, the family all the clique hanger-ons would really love to be in.

At the slightest tiniest bat of eyes, sarky comment or pointed-up nose your on it like a rabbid dog -nice and loud for everyone in the vicinity to hear "what was that look for ?" "what was that sarcastic comment dearie?" "Could you say that louder only your mother will need to know how your behaving?" - on and on you go, loudly embarassingly if your normally a nice quiet polite mum (warn your girl before-hand that you will morph back to normal mum shortly) and really do challenge the girls who are nasty - not polite quite conversations with the mums or the teacher - go for it very publicly - these girls are 8 yes ? - you can eat them alive !

Personally, all the nasty kids I know are totally a product of their upbringing. This may not be because the parents are nasty but because they really don't prioritise kindness nor stamp on their children putting others down. I don't believe some kids are just 'nasty' - their parents just haven't taught them.

I am in my forties, but reading this has taken me right back to being a bullied (and in my opinion it is bullying) little girl at dance classes and how horrid I felt and how unhappy it made me. I now have a very little DD and I do wonder why girls behave like this - I would hate for her to be the recipient or the bully.

I dont think it will get any better for your DD at this stage. Unless you think she has a career in dance, another school might be better for her.

What does DD want to do? Has she said she wants to stop going/move somewhere different?

If she wants to stay, then definitely work out a few strategies for dealing with these girls (responses, ignoring them, just laughing at what they say)

If not, then, well, I don't think it'd be worth making her stay.

Just had a chat with her about it. She does like dancing, and doesn't want to stop. She just wants it to be more fun, and whilst she is worrying about others being mean it isn't fun.

We have agreed that she will stay until the show (2 months or so) which will give the teachers a chance to deal with the problem. If at the end of that time she is still not happy then she can stop and start at a new dance school if she wants to in September.

At the moment she does want a career on the stage, so dancing will be useful to her (but then most 8 year olds do, I think). I just don't want to close any doors for her, so she gets the chance to choose when she is older.