to expect mil not to refer to herself as mummy when speaking to my daughter

[Cazm2]

Daughter is a week and a half old. Mil on a couple of occasions when speaking to her as referred to herself as mummy made me slightly cross and also slightly weirded out! How can I stop this happening. I have other issues regarding safety with her. She is 67 with a bad hip she has had all her life however she was of course 30 years younger when she had last child. I watched her change nappy today and she put daughter on coffee table and struggled then Dh assisted. She thinks when I go back to work she will be looking after dd am I unfair for worrying? Dd will be 10 months and require picking up etc. Broached subject with Dh but he is slightly defensive

OP... what JustHecate said is a very gentle and tactful way of dealing with the 'mummy' issue. It really isn't the stabby jibe that you seem to feel it is.

Be kind - your daughter will thank you for it when she has an easy relationship with her gran. Children do pick up on bad feeling and this is something so trivial that it's really not worth getting bent out of shape over.

Could you perhaps mention to your husband that maybe he could arrange to go and see his mother and give her a hand with the cleaning, getting rid of junk - or getting somebody in to deep clean? Your MIL has mobility problems and a difficult home to live in, she may be very grateful for the help.

Re "mummy", I have done this before with my nieces (just habit) and my DM occasionally does it with her GCs; I just think it's quite sweet and a sign of how much she loves them!

Ignore mummy comment as probably a slip of the tongue.

I disagree with the not bringing up child care issues now as you might lull your mil and dh into thinking all is fine.

This is your child, if u aren't 100% happy with your child care then u shouldn't go back to work.

I am cm and never mind for friends or family as it blurs professional issues, you have said your mil is disabled, dirty house and lazy, why in earth would u want her minding your child? Tell dh how u feel and stick to guns.

6 years on and my mun still on occassion refers to herself as mummy to my dc. I don't see it as an issue as it is a slip of the tongue, after all she has been a mum far more years than she has been a nan so it would it is a natural thing. I have even called myself mummy to friends children when not thinking properly.
If you are concerned about her looking after her then look into alternatives and decide what you think is best for your dc.

I would ignore the 'mummy' thing, yes it's a bit weird but I'm sure she knows she is not actually your child's mother, and I don't think it'll cause your daughter any confusion, she will know who her mum is!

If you don't want her providing childcare, you need to have a proper talk with your DP, and think about other options for when you go back to work. I would start doing that now and not leave it until the last minute, sometimes it takes a while to sort things out, there are waiting lists for nurseries etc.

Re. The child care situation when you go back to work. I would just tell her that you want her to enjoy bein granny without the stress of committed child care times.
Maybe use her to babysit in the evenings, if she is happy to do that.

It's probably a slip of the tongue. DP's parents very much think of themselves as parents, and are keen for people marrying into the family to call them 'Mum' and 'Dad' too - I've compromised on 'Mum and Dad [theirsurname]' as it seems to mean a lot to them but I found it a bit

Your MIL may just be doing something similar.

My MIL tried to call herself mummy and when I put my foot down mama. She also went on a lot about how everyone would think she was the mummy as she was so young, late fifties and thank to sun beds looking older, it went with a whole load of controlling actions and trying to push me out.

It probably wasn't meant as nasty as I took it and probably a lot more about her. I handled it badly because I was very hurt. Took few years and a lot of handling of them to get to a place where we can all get along.

I think using her for childcare would likely make her behavior get worse also my parents looked after my DN and I think have been shocked at how exhausting it can be and how fraught it can make family relations ie lots of strain between DSis and them often over minor things.

Creepy.

My mum adores my dc to the point of obsession. She worships them. But she's never, ever, in the 10 years since my ds was born, referred to herself as Mummy.

I don't think it's normal at all.

Ignore the mummy thing. It could be a slip, you'l know soon enough whether she's going to be a nightmare that way - and then you can come back for a strategy if necessary! Hopefully not.

WRT childcare - put your foot down if you're not happy. Basically, you're concerned that she isn't in the best of health - possibly fair enough; that her home is unhygienic - most probably fair enough; and that YOU DON'T WANT TO USE HER FOR CHILDCARE - most definitely fair enough. Bottom line, you have to be happy with your childcare. Using family is great, and cheap, but can cause problems. You need to be 100% happy if it is to work - for everybody's sake including MIL.

I would raise it with your DH and just say, you don't want to go down that route. You want to be able to decide on stuff without constantly stepping on MIL's toes. You want her relationship with your DD to be that of granny, not nanny. You want her to get the chance to see MIL on weekends doing fun family stuff like a proper granny, rather than MIL ending up always seeing DD when you are in work and therefore you hardly end up spending any proper 'whole family' time. You are concerned that it will actually be a bit too much for her, day in, day out, but she'll never say anything and it's DD's care that will suffer if she's plonked in front of the telly a lot, for instance. You want her to socialise with other children, too. Most of all you do NOT want there to be an indebtedness to MIL which blurs your family boundaries. Invent a friend for whom this arrangement went horribly wrong, if that helps. Make your DH see that it can go horribly wrong. Most of all, make him aware that you need to be happy with childcare for everything to be ok, and this is not what you would choose.

you have just had a baby, so its all a bit weird. Chill on the MIL, really! I get how you feel but this shall pass.......and ref childcare, do NOT worry so much will happen between noiw and then

focus on the baby and make a concerted effort to have thick skinxx

When my daughter was 3, she came home from visiting my mum (overnight) and said that my mum had told her to call her Mum, and that she didnt need to tell me about it.
I had a few words, she didnt try it again.

Whenever mil makes some comment to your dd about her being mummy, turn it around and (with an equally silly voice assuming she is talking in exaggerated baby speak as grannies are wont to do!) reply but on behalf of your dh rather than your dd. Even if it sounds silly.

So 'oh I don't know, I think dh prefers changing himself these days, he finds the nappies a little tight'. Or 'why not ask dh himself if he wants milk - but these days he tends to prefer coffee or beer'. You get the idea!

If it were my mum, I know it would be accidental. She's terrible with getting names right. I frequently get called by DD's name, and DD is also regularly called by my name, to the point that she just answers regardless now especially when I'm not there. Mum often goes through the family female names til she hits the right one.

The issue for me would definitely be the ability to care for the child. As my dad has had both knees replaced, and he's just turned 68, I know he would never be able to look after a 10 month old in the way he could 10 years ago. Same with Mum, her health is not so good now.

I would definitely discuss this with your DH and let him tell your MIL whatever the outcome is. Just make sure it's clear to your MIL it's a joint message, and don't let him get away with implying you're the one laying down the rules and he's just the messenger.