to expect mil not to refer to herself as mummy when speaking to my daughter

[Cazm2]

Daughter is a week and a half old. Mil on a couple of occasions when speaking to her as referred to herself as mummy made me slightly cross and also slightly weirded out! How can I stop this happening. I have other issues regarding safety with her. She is 67 with a bad hip she has had all her life however she was of course 30 years younger when she had last child. I watched her change nappy today and she put daughter on coffee table and struggled then Dh assisted. She thinks when I go back to work she will be looking after dd am I unfair for worrying? Dd will be 10 months and require picking up etc. Broached subject with Dh but he is slightly defensive

Oh that's weird

I don't really have any constructive advice (I have a nightmare MIL) but that would definitely weird me out.

Is she doing it in an absenty minded way? Both my Mum and MIL say refer to themselves as Mummy sometimes - often they notice and laugh at themselves but not always. It's a throwback to when their children were tiny.

The issue of her looking after your DD is more problematic and I can see why you might be concerned about it. Can you broach it fro the point of view of concern for the MIL?

YANBU the mummy comment would have sent me barmy so soon after having my first!

As for MIL taking care of baby while you work that can be a minefield in itself but it also doesn't sound like it would work on a pratical level if MIL has mobilty issues. Mine have both crawled at lightening speed by 10 months old and DS in particular is a total wiggle bum now and will not stay still for his nappy changes. I struggle with him! I'd think seriously about an alternative.

I think that sometimes it's unavoidable; a new baby in the family can take a woman right back to when she was a new mum and it just slips out.

It sounds as if you don't like your mother in law much. Would you have the same problem had it been your mum who referred to herself as 'mum' with your daughter?

I can understand that it takes you back a bit but to feel 'weirded out' is an overreaction. You can gently refer to her as 'granny' or whatever her chosen method of address is. Your daughter is not going to be confused, she'll know who her mother is.

I think that you need to speak to your MIL if you have a problem and not do this through your husband - that might help you to decide if it's a real problem that you want addressed - or just a minor irk that you want to rant about.

My mum did that too when my dd was first born. I think it's pretty commen as all thier mummy feelings come flooding back. She hasn't done it since the kids were older. I just laughed and she you not her mummy. Easier to say with yr own mother tho. Re everything else. It's not clear rom your post exactly the issues you have. Just that she is not very fit?

You will need to discuss your plans for work return with yr husband and once that's clear he should be the bearer of bad news that milkmaid having yr dd. Otherwise you will always be the baddy.
a mil on yr side is a lot nicer to br around I learnt that when my lo was small so I'd give her some nice things to do or your life will be hell
She is probably worried she won't see yr baby much as mothers of sons are often left out Maybe she has friends who have been snubbed by there Fil and is scared. She will love yr dd very much.

god the typos in that were terrible! Hope you can understand it! Only just got up.

Both my mum and XMIL did that. It didn't really bother me as it was a slip of the tongue. My dad says daddy sometimes too.

I would worry about your mil wanting to look after your DD though. I think it's lively she's offered but I'd worry it would be too much for her.

I wouldn't stress too much about the mummy comment unless you're convinced it's deliberate (which I doubt it is). My mum has repeatedly referred to herself as this to my baby DS and then corrects herself immediately as grandma. I think it's just an old habit dying hard and we laugh about it.

Re the childcare, you have a few months yet to see how she copes, she may well come to the conclusion herself that she can't. If you still feel uncomfortable about it, maybe say to her that you want dc to go to nursery in order to mix with other children/have a more active day or even be honest. But make it clear she will still be very much part of her life.

I think a milkmaid is a great idea though I don't know where you can keep the herd of cows too!!

Very strange re. Mummy and no advice I'm afraid on that issue. But on your worry re. returning to work, my MIL was similarly determined to have DD for a day when I returned to work FT when DD was ten months. Like yours she has hip problems and bad knees. She released pretty quickly as DD grew that she would need help and reached the conclusion on her own that she couldn't go it alone with a toddler. In our case FIL was able to change his working hours and now they look free DD together once a week, which is a fantastic arrangement.

I remember mil doing the whole calling herself mummy too. Hated it but you are overreacting. Hard to see it at the time though.

On a more serious note, odd to say mummy when she should be reinforcing her chosen name, Nanna, granny.
I say Who's Nan's best (insert gender) don't tell...whichever DS/DGS/DD/DGD is around. I am blessed with great Dd and DiL who know I am not usurping their love and authority.
I do so live my grandchildren, and cliche alert I get to give them back!! Boom boom

Hi my mum has never referred to herself as mummy even with my 2 year old niece. I don't dislike mil but she is very difficult and demanding. Some of you may remember my posts about her unclean house and I mean really unclean. 2 cats and a dog the house always stinks and things are not clean kitchen etc. She has made a point of coming to visit and sit on her bum whilst we make her tea. Whilst friends have seen how tired we are done it themselves! She remarked she never had any help with her children!!! Mobility is an issue she can't garden walk dog etc she had knee replacement 3 years ago. I don't think its my place to address certain things with mil

See my fil isn't around to assist with childcare yes its very kind she offered. But at moment it niggles me as I don't think she realises the work involved now she is older too!

I wouldn't worry about the mummy comments my dm has done this a few times, innocent slip of the Tongue.

As for the child care arrangements you obv do have problems is she's isn't physically fit to do it. My own mum has health issues and some days isn't well enough to have ds, she only has him so dp can play football so if she isn't well he just doesn't go. Not so easy to do with work. Ds was walking at 10 months so your mil will struggle. Just make sure she knows she will still get to see him often.

Just laugh (nicely) and say "did you know you just called yourself her mummy? hahaha, having her in your arms must be taking you back to when X was a baby."

And do something along those lines every time. Reminding her - nicely - that she is not 'mummy', and joking with her about how it's turning back the clock for her.

Because that may very well be the case. And if it's not, well, you're pulling her up on it.

You don't need to write her off because she is 67 with a dodgy hip.

Make the most of the support you are getting.

I am not writing her off but she says she can't do basic things at home cos of knee hip. She can't bend down on floor at all or bend to lift so not sure how she will manage a baby

After 22 months my mil still accidentally refers to herself as mummy with my dc. It still makes me want to rip her head off for a split second! It's something that really is accidental, especially with first gcs. I have had to let it slide and take a deep breath time and time again. (It's not easy).
The safety concerns with your mil I would definitely talk to your husband about, especially if mils health is likely to deteriorate in the next few months/years.

I don't think you need to worry about either. Mummy is a slip of the tongue I think.

As far as looking after baby is concerned, I'm sure she's on planet newborn and as soon as baby is more demanding and moving wishful thinking will transform into reality. And don't forget, if she's local and you need to go to the doctors in an emergency or something similar, she may be worth her weight in gold in a month or two for an hour. She will cope, baby will survive but it will probably naturally reinforce her limitations.

It's really early days for all of you and you are bound to be very sensitive at present. I think I would just humour her in the short term until you are fully back on your feet and have got over the next six weeks or so.

On a really practical note, I didn't have a changing table for ds and managed on the floor. For you and MIL, if you can afford it a changing table is soooooo much easier and you don't know how much easier until you have tried.

my mil still does it occasionally and says mummy.. and dd is nearly 3. it is a slip of the tongue for her assheis still mummy to the dogs.

i would be concernedabout letting her take care of ur dd on her own as mine was a handful at 10 months and she'll only get more active. talk to your huband about all your concerns and get him to talk to her about it.
Hope it all works out. good luck. and congrats on your new daughter.

I have been where you are - my IL's wanted my baby to call them mama and papa, which I couldn't bear the thought of and refused to allow. If she is calling herself mummy by accident, then let it slide, but if she is doing it on purpose, then you will have to reinforce that she is Grandma/Nanny.

Relationships get really fraught when you have your first baby and even when you have happily got along with your ILs for years, a first grandchild does change things - you feel very territorial and they often want to take over (because they adore this child, which is their flesh and blood) and you clash.

It's often easier with your own parents, because you feel the bond to your own mum and dad, whereas, your ILs are not family to you in the same way (although they are to your dh, so you have to remember that).

I handled things badly when I had my first - I was nowhere near as tactful as I should have been in telling them to give me some space, but by the same token, my ILs tried to take over and impose their wishes on me and it drove me batshit crazy. We all could have done better,I suppose,but none of us were prepared for how we would feel.

Personally, I wouldn't allow my mil to look after my baby, given what you have said regarding her physical ability and the state of her house - your child's wellbeing is the only thing to be considered when deciding child care - not her wishes ( your baby is not there for her entertainment - her wishes don't come above the baby's safety). I didn't let my ILs look after my baby (they had a very jealous alsatian and no concept of child safety).

But I do wish I'd been a bit more tactful in how I refused their desire to babysit. At the time I was very emotional and felt they were trying to control me, but I think we'd have had a better relationship if I'd been a bit less blunt and phrased it more kindly.

I would just correct in a sing songy voice when she says mummy, my mil used to do this or wouldn't correct DS if he said it by mistake when he first started talking. And as for her looking after DC when you go back to work, as much as it makes you feel worried, anxious and frustrated now, your DC is only a week and a half old, don't let it over shadow things and make an issue of it with your DP. If you still feel the same nearer the time bring it up and put your foot down then, by that time your DP may even agree with you and it won't be an argument. If you keep saying about it from this point forward you will put his back up when you need his support.

Is she planning on minding in your house or hers?
Don't confront now, further along search out alternatives so you are fully prepared when you have the 'conversation' with your DH.

OK, so clearly you don't like your MIL. But your DD is only ten days old, why are you getting in a flap about what will happen when you go back to work in ten months time? I'd just relax, enjoy my baby and worry about that later. Oh, and my mother calls herself 'mummy'; I find it intensely annoying but I don't think it is on purpose so I just laugh and let it go.