to be so upset/worried/ashamed about this pregnancy after previous abortion?

[bebeBubs]

I'm sorry, this post is long, and I apologise if you feel it would be better suited to the pregnancy threads - I know it sounds silly but I've been a fan of AIBU for a while and so feel like you are all more familiar.
The background. When I was 24 my boyfriend of nine months left for New Zealand for a year for work. Four days later, I found out I was pregnant. About six weeks before we had switched from condoms to the Evra patch, so although we had been taking precautions they somehow failed. The next few weeks and months were a horrible, horrible time. DB couldn't have been better, or more kind or understanding or supportive. Initially I felt too ashamed to tell anybody, but DB encourged me to tell my parents so I didn't feel so alone. He offered to come home but I told him not to, and agreed that he could tell his parents. Over two and a half weeks I changed my mind daily, cried hourly, and booked and cancelled an appointment at the termination clinic. Eventually I decided to terminate the pregnancy for, looking back, what seem like pathetic reasons: I wanted more money, a secure job, a secure home, and to be married before I bring a child into the world, although it makes me ashamed that women without all these advantages have unplanned children, and manage fine. My pre-termination scan told me I was eight weeks and four days, and it took me a long time to begin to get over it.
Now. DB came home from New Zealand six months early, we moved in together, three years later we got married and he is now DH. I am so happy. We have been trying for a baby and today I found out I'm pregnant. DH is at work, and I haven't told anyone yet. I know this should be one of the happiest moments of my life but I feel so, so overwhelmed with shame and grief that four years ago I denied the chance of life to what would have been my first baby for such selfish reasons. I don't want to tell any of our parents as they know about the abortion, and I feel so ashamed that they will think of it as soon as I tell them I'm pregnant - that the last time I said those words it was with stress and tears and plans to get rid of a life. I want to change GPs and not give the address of my old practice so that no-one at the new practice knows what I did. I want to lie to the midwives when they ask about previous births/preganancies. I want to run away from everything. Does anyone else have any experience of a situation like this? I just don't know what to do. The thought that labour might be faster or easier because my cervix has already been dilated more than usual because of what I did makes me sick with guilt, and anguished that I'll know it's not true first time labour. The thought of looking at my baby and wondering "what would he/she have looked like?"....will I think this every day for the rest of my life? I would be grateful for any words of help or advice. I don't think DH will be able to fully appreciate the extent of my feelings - if you've never been the one with the life inside you and the one with the final word on its fate then how can anyone know how it feels.

I can't comment in many ways as I haven't been through what you have, but I strongly advise that you see your GP, get a new one by all means, but it sounds like you need counselling. This could be a new start for yu and your boyfriend and you don't want to spend the rest of your life looking back and wondering "what if". From what I have been told the way you are feeling is fairly normal for someone who has had the experience you have, but don't brush it under the carpet - get professional help - and good luck! I hope everything goes well for you.

YABU. Enjoy your pregnancy . There are lots of women on Mumsnet who have had abortions and gone on to have happy, healthy pregnancies. Your reasons for having an abortion sound very sensible and you should focus on what a good life you'll be able to give this baby now.

X Best of Luck X

hey, I have no experience but thought you needed some kind words. the past is gone, it is the past, your reasons were valid at the time you do not sound like someone who made the decision easily. do not lie to health care proffesionals, they need to know everything about your history to look after you as best they can, and that is what they will do, they will look after you and your baby. If this pregnancy is what it takes for you to grieve the loss of a previous one then you must greive before you can move on to the positive happy preganancy that you deserve. Please be kind to yourself.

YANBU

You made the right decision for you (all) at the time.

I had a termination at 20 - I wasn't ready to be a parent. I do sometimes think about it - but don't regret it. It was the right thing to do then. Yes, other women would perhaps have had the baby and managed fine. But we linve in a society where we have some choice in this matter.

as Debsbear says - this could be the start of a new stage in your lives together now.

It may be that you need counselling - it is a big thing you went through - and the current pregnancy is bound to bring back some feelings.

I could go on and on... but tell your DH tonight and celebrate.

x

Poor you. You have got yourself in a real state, completely unnecessarily imo. You need some real support - sorry, I can't point you to the right support group but am sure someone else can.

I had a 'false' pregnancy before my last child. Periods stopped, I seemed to be pregnant but it didn't develop, so I went in for a d&C. Went on to have DC3 and never gave it a second thought.

This 'tragedy' in your life will have slipped from the memories of those you feel will judge you, they won't even remember it. Don't beat yourself up so. Get some help to sort you feelings out - then move on to enjoy your pregnancy.

You made the right decision for that time. You can't compare now and then. Also, remember that an estimated 1 in 5 to 1 in 10 women in the UK have an abortion at one time or another, so what seems so shameful to you (but isn't) will be very run of the mill to all the medical professionals you see.

bebebubs what you are feeling is very common - I have cared for many women who have gone throught exactly the same as you are now, so be assured you are not alone.

supernanny is right - I think you could do with some counselling - pregnancy crisis centres would be able to either offer this to you or point you in the right direction.

YOu can't hide this from health care professionals as it will be in your notes which are passed on when you change GP. They should not judge you and it shouldn't make any difference to the care you receive. When you book with the midwife it may be a good idea to tell her how you are feeling.

Hope everything goes well for you, and you enjoy your pregnancy.

Oh gosh OP you poor love!

From what you've said it doesn't sound like you were ready to have a baby before and you made the best decision for yourself at the time - that's really all anyone can ask of you.

Even when you know it's coming getting your bfp is a hugely emotional thing, and although I've not been in your situation it sounds like a perfectly natural reaction to me.

I haven't got any advice I'm afraid, I just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you.
And congratulations! It may be tinged with sadness, but it's amazing and wonderful news xxx

Please be kinder to yourself OP, and consider getting some counselling. You have every right to enjoy this pregnancy and look forward to the future.

YANBU to feel as you do. It will help to speak to someone, but those feelings are understandable. It was clearly a difficult decision for you to make and it sounds like you haven't fully dealt with it yet. A counsellor can help you with that - you don't need to get through it by yourself.
And you don't need to tell anyone just yet. Wait until you've processed it. Ok, you'll tell DH, but most people wait until the 12 week scan anyhow before sharing with friends and family. At that point, you will have passed the difficult milestones (including the length of your previous pregnancy) and can show scan pictures. You will clearly be sharing tangibly different news with them.
Whatever happened in the past, this baby deserves your excitement and joy now. Congratulations!!! Great news!!!

I am so sorry you're feeling so bad. I think counselling would probably be helpful - it sounds like you have some grieving to do still about your previous pregnancy.

But try to remember, millions of women have abortions each year. It's a huge deal to you, but run of the mill to the professionals you'll be deling with throughout your pregnancy. And you owe it to your baby to get him/her the best medical treatment - and that involves giving the health professionals all the facts so they can manage your pregnancy appropriately.

Best of luck - and remember - you do deserve to be a mum. And to be happy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

As others have said, you did what you thought was the best thing for you at the time. You don't have anything to be ashamed of when you are talking to the midwife, or your parents, who I'm sure will understand that your life and circumstances are very different now than they were last time. Your reasons at that time were not pathetic. They were perfectly valid reasons especially with the other person involved on the other side of the globe. Many women have made the same choice for the same sort of reasons. Just because some others decided to do differently and coped anyway does not mean you were wrong not to do that.

When you see your midwife you do need to tell the truth. However a first trimester termination won't be likely to make any difference to your new pregnancy. Don't be worrying about your cervix! The midwife should be able to take this information confidentially and it won't be plastered all over your notes. If you explain the feelings you are having, they should be able to put you in touch with some appropriate counselling.

oh dear. you do need to tell the medics the truth.

i can understand why you feel overcome with shame and guilt, but i can also understand that you were in a very difficult position. you need to understand that too. at the time of the abortion you were a young woman with a bf on the other side of the world, and no security of any kind. its not surprising you felt you couldn't cope with being a mum.

stop blaming yourself. it happened. you are still the lovable person you were before.

i work in a place where there are many young people with disabilities and degenerative conditions, so from time to time a teenager dies. one of the staff who deals with this most effectively tells us to 'live more, for the ones who have gone'.

this, then is what i pass on to you. live more, love more. enjoy your little one. when you think of the first baby, send him or her your good wishes if you want to, tell him or her you're sorry it wasn't the right time, if thats really how you feel.

you can't change the past but you can be happy in the future. let go of the shame and guilt. just let it go.

I understand why you are upset, and ime abortion is never an easy decision, even if it is for the right reasons.
You have no way of knowing how things would have worked out had you continued with the previous pregnancy.
It may not have even been viable; many women have miscarriages before 12 weeks.
You could have resented it massively, as you were not ready, and imo there is no worse situation for a child than to be secretly unwanted and resented.

It is hard for you to reconcile the termination now, because you have grown up and changed, your circumstances have changed, and you find it hard to remember exactly how you felt then.

You had no way of knowing things would work out with you and your boyfriend. He could just as easily have not come back, and you would have been alone and struggling.
You are right to want security and a secure stable partnership for your child. I didn't have that with ds, but I do wish that I had.
It's OK to have regrets but don't let it spoil your pregnancy.

God I've never said any of this out loud to anyone other than DH but here goes.

We had DS, unplanned but much wanted, when we were 22. When he was 4 months old I fell pregnant again. We'd been back on the pill but it failed. Termination had never entered my head with DS although our situation wasn't ideal but with this pregnancy it was my first and only thought. We talked about it, we felt we were coping, just, with DS in circumstances that weren't ideal. It wasn't really an agonising decision for us (which I'm a bit ashamed to say) and we terminated at about 8 weeks.

I didn't dwell on it, we put everything we had into DS and bettering our situation. Fast forward a few years and we started making noises about number two. I'm due very soon, it took us almost 2 years to fall. Every month I would weep for the baby I'd terminated even though it had been the right decision at the time I felt like I was being punished. I asked my GP if that was the reason I wasn't falling pregnant, who assured me it wasn't.

Eventually we did fall pregnant and every now and again I do feel bad that this baby is being 'allowed' to live when I didn't give the last one that chance.

When booking in I was asked about previous pregnancies and I did mention it, it isn't on my notes and it didn't seem important.

OP, please confide in your GP or midwife and get some counselling. I miscarried before DS and carried on bravely and brightly without a moment's backward glance. The day he was born I cried my eyes out because only then did I realise what I might have lost and only then did the impact of not letting myself grieve at the right time unleash itself. There were other contributory problems but it was a contributory factor towards clinical post natal depression.

Please listen to nature and get yourself the help you need to come to terms with this before the baby comes.

Also, congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope you will have the happy family you deserve.

1st stop giving yourself a hard time over the abortion, it was the right descion for you at the time.

2nd start enjoying this much wanted pregnancy

3rd be honest with HCP there are here to look after you and the baby, they may even offer you councilling for the abortion you had

I've been in a similar situation and really feel for you. It was heart breaking off and on during the event and whilst pregnant again. What I was feeling was greif for my loss. Talking has really helped. I probabaly should have seen acounsellor but my hubby and close friends were really supportive.

.... continued

When pregnant with my second babyI wrote a letter to my first baby. I read it out and sent the letter with some floweres out to sea. I know it sounds madness but it helped. It was a way of acknowledging things. I was in peices at that point and felt I didn't deserve to be a mother. When my second was born I felt I had been given a second chance. To have got through the pregnancy and birth was really something. I still think about my missing child but more then anything I feel acceptance of the situation and forgiveness towards myself. More then anything I want to treasure every moment with my children who are with me now.

Do PM me if you want to talk more

You have no reason to feel ashamed at all. Listen to everyone here - you made the decision that seemed right at the time. The poster who said you don't know what other outcomes would have been is right - you might have had a healthy baby, you could have had a miscarriage - who knows?

Please try not to feel guilty - you have done nothing wrong. Do look into counselling, it may be a way to resolve this unnecessary guilt. And yes, you do need to be honest with the midwives caring for you for medical reasons - not so anyone can tell you off (they won't).

So sorry you feel this way. I had a similar experience but was already married to my DH and we wanted children but it was unplanned at the time and I made a very bad decision to terminate. I went on to have a series of miscarriages and fertility problems before finally having a child. Those were hard years and I will always have regrets but I found I just had to move on, be grateful for what I have and to always keep a little place in my heart for what might have been.

You can't change the past, only put it behind you.

I also wrote letters to my lost babies and that really helped me.

By the way, I told my midwife but said I didn't want it on my maternity notes so she put some secret notation.

Op, I have and continue to feel exactly the same. I had a termination between dc 2 and 3, under great duress and extreme stress. I've regretted it every day since even though i now have four lovely dc.

I am an absolute supporter of termination but made what was the wrong decision for me. I still struggle with it and it has had a lasting impact on my marriage.

However, you will love your child dearly, you have no way of knowing how things would have panned out with your other pregnancy and if you werent sure then you made the best decision for yourself at the time.

Your hormones are probably going bananas which won't be helping.

I've been/am there. It's really shit but no, I don't think it will EVER leave me, and to be honest, would you want it to? I know I'll always feel bad about it, I think I'd have a swinging rock for a heart if I didn't.