I'm sorry, this post is long, and I apologise if you feel it would be better suited to the pregnancy threads - I know it sounds silly but I've been a fan of AIBU for a while and so feel like you are all more familiar.
The background. When I was 24 my boyfriend of nine months left for New Zealand for a year for work. Four days later, I found out I was pregnant. About six weeks before we had switched from condoms to the Evra patch, so although we had been taking precautions they somehow failed. The next few weeks and months were a horrible, horrible time. DB couldn't have been better, or more kind or understanding or supportive. Initially I felt too ashamed to tell anybody, but DB encourged me to tell my parents so I didn't feel so alone. He offered to come home but I told him not to, and agreed that he could tell his parents. Over two and a half weeks I changed my mind daily, cried hourly, and booked and cancelled an appointment at the termination clinic. Eventually I decided to terminate the pregnancy for, looking back, what seem like pathetic reasons: I wanted more money, a secure job, a secure home, and to be married before I bring a child into the world, although it makes me ashamed that women without all these advantages have unplanned children, and manage fine. My pre-termination scan told me I was eight weeks and four days, and it took me a long time to begin to get over it.
Now. DB came home from New Zealand six months early, we moved in together, three years later we got married and he is now DH. I am so happy. We have been trying for a baby and today I found out I'm pregnant. DH is at work, and I haven't told anyone yet. I know this should be one of the happiest moments of my life but I feel so, so overwhelmed with shame and grief that four years ago I denied the chance of life to what would have been my first baby for such selfish reasons. I don't want to tell any of our parents as they know about the abortion, and I feel so ashamed that they will think of it as soon as I tell them I'm pregnant - that the last time I said those words it was with stress and tears and plans to get rid of a life. I want to change GPs and not give the address of my old practice so that no-one at the new practice knows what I did. I want to lie to the midwives when they ask about previous births/preganancies. I want to run away from everything. Does anyone else have any experience of a situation like this? I just don't know what to do. The thought that labour might be faster or easier because my cervix has already been dilated more than usual because of what I did makes me sick with guilt, and anguished that I'll know it's not true first time labour. The thought of looking at my baby and wondering "what would he/she have looked like?"....will I think this every day for the rest of my life? I would be grateful for any words of help or advice. I don't think DH will be able to fully appreciate the extent of my feelings - if you've never been the one with the life inside you and the one with the final word on its fate then how can anyone know how it feels.