over setting some 'ground rules' for my brother coming to live as a lodger?

[JobCarHouseNoBaby]

See previous thread here about my quandry of charging him rent or not.

Further to several posters recommendations, we drew up a list of ground rules which we emailed to him last week to mull over before moving in over Easter weekend. He rang and said they seemed fine.

Just got off the phone to my Mum who said "I think he is a little bit worried about getting in your/your DP's way" which is news to me. Then I had the phone slammed down on me when I said in reply "well if he has concerns he needs to talk to me about them, because DP and I are looking forward to having him stay and it's not healthy to bottle up issues". She said as she hung up "do not put words in my mouth, I'm going now, BYE".

My list of 'rules' is below. Were DP and I BU with these requests?

1. Pay rent on pay day via online banking
2. Your rent includes (list of bills) plus free use of washing machine, kitchen etc
3. If bills increase significantly (e.g. electric) after you move in we may revise rent
4. Should you stay with us longer than 3 months we may revise rent
5. Park your car considerately in our street (we have nightmare neighbours who are like 24/7 parking wardens)
6. Be considerate with music/TV as DP and I get up at 6.30am
7. Help with housework - clean bathroom once a fortnight and keep your own room/laundry clean
8. Ask us first if you want guests over
9. Don't take out credit against our address

10. Turn off electrical kit if not at home (a big issue for my techi brother) 11. If you cause any damage you will need to pay to repair it 12. Keep your stuff in your room 13. This is a temporary fix (up to 3 months), not long term - please factor this into your plans for savings

Sounds fair enough to me although I'd expect 'free' use of the kitchen to be in with the rent anyway

Have you remembered to tell your insurance company you have a lodger?

If you don't, it may invalidate any claims.

your mum's a bit touchy isn't she

he's a bit worried

he has concerns

it's the same bloody thing hardly putting words in her mouth.

Maybe he's been talking to her / moaning about it and mummy's trying to make everything ok for her likkle soldier

oh - and your list - very reasonable.

I'd also include a clause about where he can sit on the sofa. My brother left a permanent dip in mine in my favourite spec

Fine, and very sensible.

I would be very firm with your mother and point out that maybe she should be the one deciding that no words were going to come out of her mouth at all in the first place... on account of this being absolutely none of her business.

What a stirrer. I can't see a problem with what you said - apart from the fact that it basically implied that if there was anything to discuss then your brother should come to you to do so!

Beak out for mother I think!

seems reasonable and its your house. you don't want him ending up useless and expecting to be handed everything on a plate. thats what happened to my BIL, who was mollycoddled by his mother and still can't stand on his own two feet despite being in his 40's.

Yanbu setting out a few ground rules. It seems strange that your mum has waded

She is very touchy. I think what has happened is that little bro has no cash. I said he can stay with us for a few months until he finds his feet at a reduced rent of £250/mth - he originally offered us £300 which I know he can't afford. I then rang him to say heads up, we're gonna send you some 'rules' for you to look at. He looks at them, says they are fine. Then 2 days later rings me to say "I've found some houseshares that are same price as your rent".

Thing is, I worry about him and know that if he doesn't stay with us for at least 2 months he wont have any savings to put down deposit etc on a private houseshare. I now feel like our house rules list has made him feel like he has to find somewhere else asap.

This was not the point - the reason for the rules was to avoid arguments when he came to live here, and to make him realise that I wouldn't be washing his smalls, cleaning up after him etc like darling mummy does where he is currently living.

It's a hell of a lot better to sort it out in advance and be clear about expectations, rather than waiting until problems arise and people start getting resentful.

It sounds like your mother doesn't like the list.

I thought it was a horrendous list at first (lots of assumptions about possible bad behaviour) but then I read your other thread and I think you are right!

I wonder did you give him the list exactly as outlined above? Maybe he has objected about the list to your mum and she feels that she should talk to you on his behalf and was kinda caught out when you said (quite rightly) that its for you and him to discuss.

Or perhaps she is a bit miffed that you are putting conditions in place that she should have done while he was living with her (maybe it is highlighting to her what he has got away with - you sound like you are treating him more like an adult and your expectations of him are higher than hers were).

Anyway the arrangement is between you and him so I think you should (nicely) bat away any attempts by your mother to discuss the arrangement. I wouldn't make a big thing of it - if he hasn't got an issue with any of the conditions he will still move in - no need for a big argument.

Perhaps even say to your mum "I didn't want you to get stuck in the middle of this arrangement so that's why I didn't want to discuss it with you, sorry if it came across wrong" - she may be feeling a little sensitive about her little boy moving out?

yanbu, you list is very sensible.

Tell him why you made the list and that you are happy to have him.

X posted with a lot of people - very good advice above

Completely sensible, and I don't think there are assumptions of bad behaviour: I think a lot of the items come under the heading 'Probably obvious but worth spelling out' and are all geared towards domestic harmony.

I think your mum has got involved because he's her little boy, and I think he's been ringing you up about similarly priced houseshares in the hope that you'll say 'No, no, ickle you mustn't live with strangers ? come live with us and we'll reduce the rent and scratch all these tiresome and dictator-like rules, and do all your washing and cooking like Mum!'

Which of course you're not going to do.

sounds like he was hoping to pay minimal rent and live by his own rules in your house. i would make it clear that you would like him to stay for a couple of months while he gets on his feet. But if he wants to do a houseshare with others you should respect his decision. the key thing is that he's not treated as a child as that won't be doing him any favours in the LT - so no ripping up your rules or wavering rent.

Then 2 days later rings me to say "I've found some houseshares that are same price as your rent".

So, great, if he's found somewhere else what's the problem? Tell him it's good that he has a choice and he needs to think about what is most suitable for him. He's an adult, he should be standing on his own two feet and maybe it would be better for him not to live with his big sister so that he grows up.

absolutely fluffy he just needs to realise that he has to stick to a lot more rules in a house share.

I'm sure the conditions in your home are a lot nicer than most house shares - and usually the bills are not included.

Sensible list, he can choose to accept or not.

From bitter experience I would add in something about buying food/contributing for staples. DPs sister lived with us for nine months and contributed zilch!

Hmm. Just had phonecall from Mum, her opening line is "Have you calmed down now? Can we have a reasonable conversation"

I think she realised she was a bit off, but being the way she is, she is never in the wrong, so rather than ring me to apologise, she rings me to see if I will apologise.

I went along with it to keep the peace, but jeez she needs to stop interfering and let me and bro sort things out.

Your list is fine except for not having guests over without asking first. He is paying you rent, anywhere else he would not have to do that. Maybe request as an aside that he let's you know out of courtesy but it should not be a rule imvho.

Don't worry about him then. He's a grown-up who can organise savings himself. He also already has a mother fretting over him.

If he's found a house share , then fantastic - everyone's a winner.

Seriously don't even contemplate cutting the rent or ditching the house rules - you could end up resenting him and he'll learn nothing from it.

Oh and tell ask your mother to butt out.

is he her last child at home? I guess this might explain some of her behaviour, combined with the fact that if she's not working she will have too much time on her hands to worry. reading on here many mothers seem to go a bit haywire when the last ones goes to uni - for her this has been delayed till now