to have a go at my parents?

[annoyeddaughter]

hi its a long story so i will try keep it short, my parents stay a ten minute drive away they are both early 50's my dad claims hes unwell alot but still manages to go jogging for hour every morning to park 2 minutes from my house. Anyway my problem.is they never phone me , my dad will send generic facebook message once every few months and thats it last time we seen them was christmas before that it had been 6 months i never recieved birthday card present or even phone call till 9 that night.I know it sounds petty but my sister stays about 5 minutes from them and they see her 4-5 times a week! they go to hers for dinner about once a week and take her drives to beace ect, she is childless and my older sister by 5 years. My eldest sister lives in london and seriously they see her more often they go down every few months for week or two at a time. Before it gets asked i did used to take my 3 year old over to visit but tbh they moaned afterwards toy sister about my daughter being noisy and i phoned few times a week but gave up why should i try if they dont. What would you do , last time i said anything it resulted in major falling out but its taking the piss my daughter is 3 years old and has seen them less than 20 times and they stay 10 minutes away surely somethings not right any ideas what i should do?? x

Sounds upsetting.
Have you asked them why? What do they say?

Sorry about spelling / grammer on mobile and slightly upset.x

Talk to them....

i have but they say things like its not a competion ?? i dont understand why im youngest daughter they get on well with my partner, it breaks my heart when i think of it, i would never treat my daughter like that.My partners mum died last year of breast cancer but she and her elderly husband would make 40 minute bus journey to see us atleast once a week, sadly my partners dad also has terminal cancer so my daughter will only have my parents left for grandparents.

Do they accept that it is hurtful to you?

It does sound like they're just not into small children even if they are their grandchildren. As hurtful as this is I don't think there is anything you can do about it.
I would never hear from my dad if I didn't phone him and he shows zero interest in any of his grandchildren. My sister has tried for many years to get him to show more of an interest and has told him many times how hurtful his behaviour is but he has never changed.
For your own sanity I would try to accept that they won't not have the close relationship with your daughter that you would like. It is their loss not yours or your DDs and they are foolish to miss out on bonding wth her.

I dont think so , they seem to think its ok and if i do say anything they stop talking to me and make out its all my fault, should have mentioned also have another sister who has two little boys and they arent great with her either but used to watch her kids every weekend and still reguraly visit or look after them on friday while she's at work , they also always on phone to her, its just me they treat like this :(

Thanks gamerwidow and i suspect your right i wouldnt mind so much but wish they would atleast phone now and again or pay some intrest in me, he drives past my house to go jogging everyday but never pops in to say hi and the birthday thing really upset me i didnt want anything but was my brothers months before and they spend loads on him i would have been happy with a card.I think i will just have to accept it , but i dont think i will be able to play happy families at christmas ect .

If they were my parents, I would stop even attempting to have anything to do with them. They've made it clear, for whatever unfathomable reason, that they don't want to be involved in your life and so I would stop trying to force what isn't there, for them.

I think they sound awful and you will be happier when you stop trying to get their love and involvement in your life. If it was a friend describing this situation to you, would you honestly consider it good for her child to have these people anywhere near her? Your child doesn't need to see to see her GPs behaving like this towards her mother.

Have Christmas in your own home, with your dh and dc and leave your parents to their own devices - it's not fair for them to have everything on their terms, regardless of how it makes you feel, so time to start opting out and deciding your own terms for the people who are in your life.

karmabeliever Thanks i know everything you said is right, i just wish i knew why me . Im thinking if i will be cutting contact anyway i might aswell have it out with them beforehand i really have nothing to lose, so frustrating i just want normal parents,my confidence has bren at rock bottom as in my head if even my own parents dont like me why would anyone else.Also my sister and her bf went to family parent recently , i didnt of course, but he gave my 16 year old brother drugs in the loo would it be petty to let my parents know ?

I really feel for you.
I don't understand them. I can't even put myself in their shoes, because I would never do this. It's inconceivable to me.

My fil and his wife favour one set of gc over the other two sets. Our lot are all but ignored.

It's hurtful, but I won't lose sleep over it. It is entirely their loss.

Yes it's petty...you won't score points by telling tales.

Why did your sister tell you that they'd moaned to her about your dd being noisy? I don't think that was a kind bit of gossip for her to have passed on to you.

Anyway, I agree. Talk to your parents. Don't make it a competition, but do say that you want your dd to have a good relationship with her grandparents and you'll both need to work harder to make sure that happens. Maybe arrange to meet for days out? Do you invite them to yours for dinner?

I do feel for you - ds has one set of grandparents (my parents) although my dh's parents are both alive and well. They don't want anything to do with us, but hey - their loss.

its not for point scoring i have gave up with that im more concerened that there giving my little brother drugs like ecstasy and cocaine and it wasnt one off hes at the house few timesva week for that reason, he was bragging about it to his friends my other sister wants to let them know but doesent want to fall out with other sister i have nothing to lose and dont want my brother to waste his life.

suzikettles hi thanks, my sister loves causing trouble everyone can see it except my parents. I have invited them over loads of times but they say they are busy i should add neither of them are working my mum does some work from home but hasnt for long time now so they are in house all day.I invited them over for dinner mothersday they couldnt make it but i later found out the went to my sisters instead .

I think you've got to Ignore them for a good few months. If they have any love for you and your children, they will hopefull notice your absence.

If not, well, I'm sorry to say...

They just aren't that into you :(

(((Hugs)))

thanks GingerBlondecat amd i know your right sad thing is i know deep down they dont care just cant quite accept it, last time i talked to them about it they blanked my for 8 months and even then only got in contact because christmas for some reason the dont give a toss all year but love putting on show at xmas.
thanks for ((hugs)) i needed them :(

More (((HUGS)))

Mine only contact me when they want something

(((HUGS))) and understanding is all I can give.

Sounds shit for you, :( that you're going through it and :( for your DC as well.

But, you're on a hiding to nothing with them - if you have it out, they will sulk and not speak to you, and if you ignore them they won't speak to you and if you do nothing at all they still will barely speak to you.

So - the best thing you can do is accept that they are bad parents to you; for whatever reason (and trust me it will have NOTHING to do with who you are) they have decided that they can't be bothered with you, and to some extent your sister as well, so repay the compliment.
Have nothing to do with them. They are not worth it - I see no value in continuing to bash your head against the wall (metaphorically) with them when they appear to give not a damn about you.

So - go back to ignoring them completely. Including when Christmas comes around. And really, don't bother trying to "have it out with them" because one thing I can guarantee is that you won't actually get any real answers out of them - you might get a load of bollocks that will make you feel far worse about yourself, but it won't be based in reality. All it will be is about self-justification and shifting blame onto you and away from themselves. Not Worth It.

Focus on your own little family now - so :( for your DP that he has lost one parent and the other is now ill too but really, you're all better off without your parents.

thanks GingerBlondecat ((hugs)) its crap aint it just want to do normal family things and alreadybmy daughters asking why her little friends do this and that eith there nanna and pappas she even asked other day why she doesent have nanna and pappa :-( i suppose at least if not in contact thats the reason rather than they just dont care.

thanks Thumbwitch i think if i do say anything to them will make it out to be my fault so im probably better off not , but they will question why we arent there at christmas ( we spent last last christmas with partners parents just before his mum died and they took the hump and didnt hear from them for months they never even phoned when she died or other to babysit for funeruel ect) which is hypocrytical to say the least so i will have to give reason then.

You know, you don't have to give them a reason. You don't have to talk to them at all if you don't want to. Since they had the outright gall to be upset that you chose to spend your last Christmas with your partner's mum before she died (who in their right minds gets humpy about that??!) I wouldn't offer them the courtesy of a reason.

Or, you could just say that since they don't seem that bothered about you, you didn't think they'd miss you (slightly passive aggressive but so what?)

Trouble is, you are conditioned into thinking that you need to be a "good daughter" to them - you don't. They are bad parents to you, they don't deserve you being a good daughter to them.

Thumbwitch
Hi you are right i do feel need to please them and be "good" daughter no idea why, my partner inst keen on them after Christmas thing and he reckons i should just cut them out and move on before it affects our daughter , i know he and you are right i just wish i had what they have with my sisters and brother i will admit i am jealous. But i think i will have to bite the bullet and accept it for what it is.
Thanks again Thumbwitch

(((hugs)))

You don't owe them anything.

Look after your DD and protect her from the rejection that has hurt you so much.