to think friendships shouldn't be this hard?

[OAM2009]

Don't think I'm a bad person. Try to be nice, polite, kind and helpful. However, seem to have now lost 2 friends in one month. One is my own fault for opening my big, stupid mout (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1440567-to-expect-forgiveness-for-my-bad-behaviour-bit-long?pg=1)
The other I don't get. I'm in an NCT group that has kept together for over 3 years but have just been texted by another girl saying are you going to X's BBQ on Friday? What text and what BBQ? I did make the terrible mistake of trying to pass on my commiserations on her MC to X, to which she responded by jumping up and walking away saying "I don't want to talk about it". She was fine with me later and we chatted nicely. So I now appear to be being ostracised from the group by her for attempting to be nice? I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

Unfortunately, I think YABU to expect friendship to be an easy thing.

I lost (as in, irretrievably fell out with) a good friend recently, too.

Being friends with people is a challenging, complicated thing. I don't understand those people who excel at it...

It might be that some of the group are closer than others and not everyone is going? Or the host thought they had text and they forgot/you didn't get it?

If it were deliberate I am sure the host would have told those that were going to keep it to themselves

Friends come and go-especially ones that you make when the DCs are small.

I no longer arse myself with half of my friends. And am far, far happier for it. No more snidey remarks about how shit my housekeeping is or what a shit mum I am because I admitted to the crime of cosleeping with my 2 DSs. I've binned half of them off MSN and FB too

Don't lose sleep over it. Your own company is kinda suited to you. And if you have less friends, you have more free space to fit nice new ones in to

OAM, what MPP said

Latte - what a humble, straightforward, decent thing to say.

So often I see people trying to work out 'who was right, who was wrong'
Your summary is more accurate - it's just bloody hard

(And people are too scared/self-righteous/defensive/confused to be forgiving)

Myself included

I don't really understand people who aren't more forgiving in friendships. We all mess up or say the wrong thing sometimes.

All I can say OP is based on your first thread this doesn't really sound as if you are to blame i.e. you haven't really messed up. But some people will cut you off for very minor things.

However don't assume the whole group is ostracising you. The fact that another friend asked if you were going indicates that at least some of them, if not all, don't know you are not invited to the barbecue. If you are off with them when it isn't their fault, they may blame you.

Update - I will be going to the ballBBQ after all. Having said I'm a nice person, I actually behaved a bit badly and sent a text to the group, saying shall we all meet up on Thurs or Friday? Thus slyly broadcasting to everyone that I hadn't got the initial invite. I hate mind games and power games but will play them when threatened. Then received a lovely text saying come to the BBQ from another group member and have agreed with the friend who first mentioned it that perhaps it's simply a case of not receiving a text.

This is the thing tho - it's like a vicious circle of self-fulfilling prophecy - I get worried and uncertain about people and my friendship with them and then that makes me even more awkward and likely to over-react, which then creates a problem, even if there wasn't one in the first place!!! AAARRGGGGHHH - you are right, it is hard!!!!

To everyone who has commented - the support and wisdom you've offered is much appreciated xxx

OP this has actually made me feel alot better! Not to say that I have enjoyed your misfortune but I had been feeling that i was falling out with a few people lately (like Latte I have fallen out with one friend completely) and I had started to think that I was the only one in this situation. Happy to hear that I'm not and also happy to hear that you got it sorted out OP.

And I agree Lesley the friend with whom I have fallen out completely wont even speak to me to try to sort out our disagreement. It's such a shame but what can you do?

Don't think I'm a bad person. Try to be nice, polite, kind and helpful.

Oam, I think this might be part of the problem.

Don't try to be nice etc, ........... try to be yourself.

I had a lightbulb moment lately, always berated myself for being tactless (which I was) but realised these occasions were when I was not at ease and was trying hard to fit in/ be 'nice'/ appear relaxed and joining in. I was trying too hard and that's when the daft comments came out.

Now I remind myself (in my head) to 'just be yourself' and it has helped alot.

Stopped me, for example, talking drivel just so that I can feel part of the group by joining in when I really have nothing to say. Now I speak only if I want to, laugh only if I really think something is funny and be myself. People are more relaxed in my company so I think it is working for me.

I know how you feel OP, I have had a similar thing with my NCT group, there have been a few arguments within the group which have resulted in the group splitting into smaller cliques, none of which I fit into. I am friends with some of them on facebook and have seen a couple of things over the last few days that suggest that group members have been meeting up and me and DD haven't been invited. I was hurt to begin with but now I think that friendship shouldn't be a chore and if I don't have anything in common with people apart from having children the same age then it's no big loss to me. I have met one other mum through this group who I would consider a friend so that's good enough for me, the rest of them I can take or leave.

May, reading your comments is a lightbulb moment for me as you're virtually describing me!!! when I was not at ease and was trying hard to fit in/ be 'nice'/ appear relaxed and joining in. I was trying too hard and that's when the daft comments came out. that is very insightful. I've often wondered why I think of myself as clever but come out with moronic statements - often it is when I am mindlessly babbling as I don't really know how to talk to someone (or to quote you talking drivel just so that I can feel part of the group by joining in when I really have nothing to say I will try your advice out for myself. If nothing else, it sounds like a good way to be true to yourself and be calmer. Thanks

Cherries, you're welcome! I understand completely and one reason I posted was because I felt so alone, as if I was the only person in the world this sort of thing happened to. I hope that you can resolve your issues too.

BigGirl (ace name BTW ) I have heard that not many NCT groups go the distance. Yours sounds a lot like mine - there was a regular Thursday meeting and then you'd find out that other people had been doing other things together as well. Like you, I was hurt not to have been asked but it was people that I didn't get on with so well. Again, like you, I think I've made 1 good friend from the group so my way of coping was to focus on the 1 or 2 people I did really like and do some side projects of my own with them (which felt like a naughty revenge )

PS I also found out today that I forgot the birthday (on Friday) of the girl who I thought had excluded me

So this might be a tip for the top - remember your friend's birthdays! D'oh!

I am glad you are going to the BBQ :)

As I have got older I now don't bother making excuses for friends that quite honestly are not worth it. I think someone is either a nice person or they aren't. The arses can fuck off remove themselves from my presence. I will not go out of my way to be helpful and have someone take advantage of that time and again, then when I need their help it is obvious they don't want to know. My real friends are not hard work. They forgive the little things about me that annoy them and vice versa. But hard work it is not.

I too find friendships difficult and complicated, and have made a conscious decision in the past year or so to trim down my so-called friends list and have a zero tolerance policy towards most friends. I'm actually really enjoying my own company and it has made my life far less complicated having fewer friends. The 'be yourself' tip is a good one too and something I try to adhere to myself!

Glad you got your situation sorted

SkinnedAlive I totally agree! I have been thinking more and more lately that someone is either nice or they aren't nice. I'm not interested in someone who is as nice as pie one day and blanks me the next, or someone who appears on the surface as 'nice' and then prattles on about themselves and doesn't respect me enough to listen to me. I don't care if people think I am hard work or have high expectations these days as a friend won't do things that annoy me or won't think badly of me for what I expect from them as they will expect the same back.

I read threads on mumsnet at least once a week where an NCT group has been mentioned...but I've always been too embarrassed to ask what it is as it seems to be the norm that everyone has been to one/knows someone that goes...I looked on acronyms and lurked in threads but still haven't figured it out, what is it?

I hate to say it but the most telling time re friends is when you are in trouble. The real friends will bend over backwards without being asked. The pretend ones don't even realise you are in trouble, even when you are down on your knees and about to expire.

Again that is so true SkinnedAlive. I ditched a truck-load of friends that just apparently didn't give a shit when my mother was very ill at the end of last year. These same friends had received support from me for a variety of things yet not one of them could bring themselves to pick up the phone or to offer to do anything practical to help. Their lack of stepping up to the mark at that time made me reflect on the friendships and made me realise it was always me making the effort and me doing things for them and take take take on their part, so I feel glad to be rid of them all.

I think it is a bit UR to not differentiate between real friendship and being friends with a group.

I find that in any group (work, NCT, school mums etc) there will usually be about 2 or if I'm lucky 3 who I end up being real friends with - over time you realise who you would never hear from again if you left they group dynamic (e.g. if you moved or changed - like if you went from being one of the married gals to a singleton or vica verca)

I think it is natural for an NCT group to disperse a bit by 3 years except for maybe the odd big old times sake get together. At first the baby think is a big leveller, but once mat leave ends I think that's the beginning of the end for being one big happy group of friends, but if you're lucky its just the start of a long friendship with the one or two who you find you can grow with as your circumstances change and you maybe have less in common on paper (back to work Vs SAHM, 2 under 2 Vs big gap or only child)

Personally, when someone tries to maintain a friendship with me as a part of a group, rather than a whole individual they happened to meet through a group, I retreat a bit from that, I don't like it. Are there any women in your group that you particularly like? or did you just like being in the bunch?

Sockpuppet: NCT = National Childbirth Trust

perhaps your 'friend' was being a bit of a bitch (and therefore, not really your friend at all) if she a) knew you had deliberately not been invited and b) text you so that you knew you deliberately had not been invited?

Correct me if i've misunderstood obv

also, surely the likes of NCT groups are just 'acquintances' who happen to have had children approx the same time as you rather than 'friends'?

sometimes when it comes to being friends with a group, you don't really know who your real friends in that group really are until you physically leave the group (changing jobs if they're work mates, or moving out of the area) - and its often not who you'ld expect!

Thanks hexagonal, is it groups that just regularly meet up during pregnancy then?

So sorry to hear that Hexagonal I hope your mum is better, and good riddence to bad rubbish as far as the fair weather friends are concerned! I have had to lose a friend the last few days so this thread hits home a bit. I made lots of excuses for this friend but the fact is he was not a nice person. This includes things such as when I dislocated my knee at a vollyball practice and he just left me in agony to get to hospital/home alone . And he is now accusing me of being a bad friend as I won't keep in touch and give him my lecture notes (we are at uni, I am top of class, he is near bottom). I am not upset to be honest. He showed his true colors and I listened this time instead of trying to see the best in people. However, I like who I am, and I would rather give people a chance. I may be made a fool of occassionally when I am kind and people then try to walk over me. But I have made many good friends and met many amazing people I would not otherwise have met by being friendly and nice. There is a lot to be said about the saying 'when you help others, the person you help most of all is yourself' Even if that help for yourself is recognising an asshole and getting them out of your life!