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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need to forgive & forget or get over myself really ......

38 replies

Tobeabiggerperson · 01/04/2012 12:17

Ok I've name changed for this . I'll try keep it simple , promise ;)

17 years ago (long memory) it was the end of my cousins birthday party and i was saying goodbye to extended family when one of my uncles called me over so i went over thinking he just wanted to say goodbye when suddenly he grabbed me by my hair & pulled me down so i was sitting beside his chair in agony . He held my hair really tight while i begged him to let me go & laughed out loud with 4 of my other uncles standing there laughing along with him until my dad saw what was happening & marched over and demanded my uncle let me go . He let me go but pulled out a full handful of my hair before releasing me . I ran straight out of the room in tears from humiliation . I was 2oyrs old then . I never went to any more parties from this side of our family since & have never seen that uncle again . My mum (his sister) put it all down to my uncles warped sense of humour & the fact that he had been drinking heavily Hmm .

Fast forward to this past Friday , my uncle has had a very bad stroke and we found out he has Brain Cancer . His outlook is not looking good at all and i know it's only a matter of time before my mum asks me to go to the hospital to see him before he dies but i feel completely numb - i don't wish him any harm at all but i also don't feel any compassion for him Blush we are catholic which means we are supposed to be able to forgive everyone but he has Never apologised for what he did to me . All weekend I've been there for my mum talking to her , trying to comfort her etc but i'm starting to feel guilty for feeling so numb . Just needed to type this all out , what do you all think of this situation ?
TIA X

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 01/04/2012 12:21

you can feel sympathy for you mum - who is loosing her brother and you can be supportive but you are under no obligation to feel anything for him - you can't make yourself care and he behaved horribly xxxx

SydSaid · 01/04/2012 12:22

I don't see why you should feel anything for this man that treated you so badly (and wierdly!).

Be there for your mum, by all means, but that doesn't mean you have to be there for him. Or see him in the hospital.

CailinDana · 01/04/2012 12:22

He assaulted you. You have no obligation towards him whatsoever.

FatherHankTree · 01/04/2012 12:24

Support your mum as far as you're able, but you're under no obligation to see someone who attacked you and never apologised.

GiserableMitt · 01/04/2012 12:25

I'm with the others. What he did was horrible and humiliating; I don't see why you should ease his conscience - dying or not - if you really don't want anything to do with this man.

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2012 12:25

Are you a practising Catholic? Could you speak to your priest, because from what i understand, every act doesn't have to be forgiven to the point of forgetting and carrying on as usual.

I don't see the need for you to go to his death bed, given that you were not close, tbh.

Child abuse carryed on because of expectations such as this, that and being ignored, it is the type of behaviour that i am biased against and personally feel that no compassion should be shown, or expected on the part of the victim.

You should do what you need to, what others do is up to them.

heyannie · 01/04/2012 12:26

You were 2 or 20? Horrible thing to do to a 2 year old, but then it would be to a grown adult too. But as he hasn't seen you maybe he hasn't felt the need to apologise or has forgotten all about it, so although I don't blame you for not feeling overwhelmed about him, a grudge might be a little pointless at this stage.

I don't think your ambivalence necessarily stems from this nasty and unnecessary incident, that's just the cherry on top. If you have had no contact with him for 17 years, you won't feel any great link to him. Seeing an ill person in hospital is awful when you love them. Harsh as it sounds, seeing an ill person in hospital when you don't feel anything for them can feel a bit pointless and needlessly upsetting - I don't think you are a bad person for feeling that. You have been excellent by being supportive for your mother. If she asks you to visit him maybe swallow your pride and show your face if you feel up to it, as it might make your mum feel better at such an awful time. If it will cause you massive emotional pain then don't go (I wouldn't be surprised if your family thought you were being unreasonable and petty, so maybe be prepared for that), but if it would be just a little itch of resentment, then maybe it's worth considering to keep the peace.

nobutyeahbut · 01/04/2012 12:27

Exactly what gordyslovesheep said.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2012 12:29

What a vile man. You are worried about not forgiving him, yet he's on his deathbed and is clearly not asking for forgiveness. You do have to use your common sense and not rely on the strictures of a large organisation when it comes to this sort of thing.

He behaved in a violent and inappropriate way to his niece. You have not seen him since and he has not apologised. It's not for you to forgive, it's for him to seek forgiveness.

Support your mum, but do not go near this man now.

AutumnSummers · 01/04/2012 12:37

Your Mum WBU to force you to put on a face for her. In my situation, 2 close relatives passed within a year of each of other (my cousin then my gran) and i was distraught each time because I loved them both deeply. I had spent a lot of my life caring for my cousin (He was severely disabled) and loved him more that I can ever say. And I've never been close to anyone like I was mmy Gran.

All my Mum could do was tell me to box it up and think about how other people felt (Like my Aunt who was my cousin's Mum or my dad who lost his Mum.) and I was so angry with her for thinking that other people's feelings somehow lessened my right to mine.

Point is, no-one should ever try to tell anyone how to behave in these situations because we all have our own experiences, good or bad, with the people who are dying / dead and are entitled to reflect that in our feelings when they are passing or have passed.

YANBU.

AutumnSummers · 01/04/2012 12:39

As for forgiving him? You need to ask for forgiveness to be granted it- and he has never aked.

GinPalace · 01/04/2012 12:41

You have no relationship with him other than an accident of birth. He has made no overtures to you so you don't have anything to reciprocate. You owe him no duty visit, so ditch the guilt and just comfort your Mum if it was me I would secretly be thinking Karma had caught up with him mmwahahaaa

Original poster
Tobeabiggerperson · 01/04/2012 12:42

My parents have seen lots of him throughout the years as he always runs to my mum when he has problems and she always runs around after all of her family even though they treat her like rubbish ,but he has never expressed any remorse for what he did to me much to my fathers disgust tbh . I will attend his funeral so as not to insult or offend my family but i will feel like a hypocrite .

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 01/04/2012 12:45

i wouldnt even go to the funeral tbh and i be pissed off if anyone tried to guilt trip me into it

Original poster
Tobeabiggerperson · 01/04/2012 12:46

Autumnsummers I'm so sorry you lost your cousin & your gran

gin My Sister did mention /whisper "Karma" to me the other day .

OP posts:
GinPalace · 01/04/2012 12:47

Don't feel like a hypocrite - you can attend the funeral which will satisfy the family, but really only you will know you are actually going to make sure he is interned into the ground / cremated properly - so no hypocrisy there. Grin

GinPalace · 01/04/2012 12:48

I like your sister, she sounds like the best one in your family (except you of course) Grin

Sorry - I should be less irreverent - we're talking about death after all - but it's sunday, and it's sunny - so I just can't. Wink

Original poster
Tobeabiggerperson · 01/04/2012 12:50

LOL gin I am trying to be mature here ya know Grin

OP posts:
AutumnSummers · 01/04/2012 12:55

Thanks :) It was 10 years ago and i still miss them both terribly but I have great memories.

And gin hit it spot in!!!!

AutumnSummers · 01/04/2012 12:55

*spot on

PurplePidjin · 01/04/2012 13:02

Surely you have to repent to receive absolution?

I agree you should go to the funeral - then you'll know where to go back to at midnight with a nice garlicky stake Wink

Morloth · 01/04/2012 13:11

No need to forgive or forget, I wouldn't be seeing him, if you don't care if he dies, well you reap what you sew.

Support your mum, he might be a prick, but she loves and and she will sad.

Having said that, anyone doing that to either of my kids would no longer be in my family.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2012 13:17

You see, if my brother had done that to one of my children, I wouldn't have been speaking to him at all until he apologised.

You haven't seen him in years, you're not close.

Don't go.

Original poster
Tobeabiggerperson · 01/04/2012 13:35

I feel the same NannyOgg but my mum lets her siblings walk all over her imo she was the 2nd eldest (my vicious uncle being the eldest) but because my mum was a "girl" she was left to rear her brothers . She just makes excuses for their behaviour and feels i should let it go .

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 01/04/2012 13:39

You owe absolutely nothing to that man, you do what you want not what anyone else wants. He sounds like he was a very cruel man, you do not need to forgive him. Don't feel guilty about anything, I wouldn't be going to see him, but thats just me...