Need to forgive & forget or get over myself really ......

[Tobeabiggerperson]

Ok I've name changed for this . I'll try keep it simple , promise ;)

17 years ago (long memory) it was the end of my cousins birthday party and i was saying goodbye to extended family when one of my uncles called me over so i went over thinking he just wanted to say goodbye when suddenly he grabbed me by my hair & pulled me down so i was sitting beside his chair in agony . He held my hair really tight while i begged him to let me go & laughed out loud with 4 of my other uncles standing there laughing along with him until my dad saw what was happening & marched over and demanded my uncle let me go . He let me go but pulled out a full handful of my hair before releasing me . I ran straight out of the room in tears from humiliation . I was 2oyrs old then . I never went to any more parties from this side of our family since & have never seen that uncle again . My mum (his sister) put it all down to my uncles warped sense of humour & the fact that he had been drinking heavily .

Fast forward to this past Friday , my uncle has had a very bad stroke and we found out he has Brain Cancer . His outlook is not looking good at all and i know it's only a matter of time before my mum asks me to go to the hospital to see him before he dies but i feel completely numb - i don't wish him any harm at all but i also don't feel any compassion for him we are catholic which means we are supposed to be able to forgive everyone but he has Never apologised for what he did to me . All weekend I've been there for my mum talking to her , trying to comfort her etc but i'm starting to feel guilty for feeling so numb . Just needed to type this all out , what do you all think of this situation ?
TIA X

As a pp said upstream. Your uncle can reap what he sowed. Perhaps so also should your mum. She took this vile man's part over the years then IMO she shoulders this final burden alone. I wouldnt visit him in hospital and I wouldnt attend the funeral.

I will admit that I have very strong feelings about this subject. I really don't think we should do anything "forced" in the process of death that we wouldn't have in life. Meaning, if you wouldn't have otherwise gone to visit him, then don't do it just because it is the end. My personal view is that it is hypocritical.

I am not Catholic, but my view on forgiveness is that it is for the victim. It's often more emotional energy to bear a grudge than it is to forgive. But sometimes it is just not possible...there is someone in my family who I simply do not forgive --- have not spoken to him in years and will not attend his funeral when the time comes. (Though I do understand many people do this to appease family). It is largely because he has never asked forgiveness. So I completely understand if you don't forgive him, please don't feel obligated to.

Support your mum as best you can, but you owe nothing to that cruel man.

I wonder, then, if your mum was subjected to similar behaviour herself. It might explain why she is keen to brush it under the carpet.

You shouldn't feel under any obligation to visit this man or attend his funeral. However, I think it would be good for you to try and let go of the past.

I know what I'm saying. Many years ago, a family member who treated me very badly died. I refused to attend his funeral, but I did find that I couldn't forget it and move on until I had forgiven him for what he did.

I think from the stories I've heard through the years my mum didn't have much of a childhood at all :( from the age of seven she was cooking and cleaning for her siblings while my nan worked to put food on the table as my granddad lived in another country at the time for work . Lots of families lived like that over here in those days .
The backlash if i decided to boycott his funeral would be very hard for my mum to deal with so for her sake i will attend his funeral when that time comes but i won't shed any tears for him .

Purplepidjin 'a nice garlicky stake'

...made me hungry though

Tobeabiggerperson - I think you have reached a very mateuurre decision which you will be able to live with without any crisis of conscience. Hope you enjoy the nibbles and drinks to make it all worthwhile. Seriously though I bet your Mum will be glad you are there - not just to avoid the backlash but so someone who treats her properly is giving her moral support at a difficult time - poor love sounds like she's had a hard enough time.

Do you really remember from when you were 2? (Not to disbelieve you at all just amazed)

YANBU, don't go and see if you don't want to, its not worth the horrible feelings you will get.

He sounds like a total cunt and I would not visit him or attend his funeral. In fact, I would be very angry with my mum, that she continued a relationship with him, after what he did. A parent's first loyalty should be to their children and I would rip the head off anyone who hurt mine.

She failed you and I would not be offering support to her - I would feel like a hypocrite because I'd be glad he was dying.

you certainly shouldn't feel badly about yourself here OP. What an absolutely horrible thing to have happened to you at the family party. Bearing in mind your uncle has had many, many years to apologise and hasn't you are under no obligation, moral or otherwise to visit him in hospital.

I was 20 not 2 when it happened . My mum didn't see what her
brother did to me, she had already left the room and was waiting in the car
for me and my dad. I do agree though if anyone ever laid a finger on my dc's
i woildn't want to have them in my life either.
I dont hold it against my mum at all tbh.
Thank you to you all for helping me feel that i'm not just being petty
by not going to the hospital. When he does die i will go to the mass
to support my mum but i will not go to the wake.
X

That sound like a reasonable compromise.

A wake is to celebrate someone's life and obviously you don't want to do that, so fair enough to give it a miss.

You are feeling the way you do because you are a kind and caring person.....

Good advice offered above, some people are just cruel and not nice to be around, your uncle is one of them, don't waste your valuble time worrying about him, concentrate on yourself and supporting your Mum who sounds as if she needs it, sounds bad, but she will be released from the hold he seemed to have over her too.....

When he does eventually pass away, you could go to the funeral to support your Mum and just inwardly say you forgive and now you can forget, and move on with a happier life...

I wish you good luck with it whatever you decide to do

I've really learnt a lot from my grandma. Her father used to beat up her mother until she finally divorced him (a really big deal in the 1920s). She never saw her father again. When he was dying, he wanted to see her but she didn't want to go. Her own mother told her she should never have a dying man's wish on her conscience and made her go. In the event, he didn't die, so she told him "I came to see you because you were dying. Now you're not dying, so I'm going. If you're ever dying again you can call me." Then she walked out. Next time he was dying he didn't call her.

What I'm saying here is that, you may choose to go and see this vindictive old shit for yourself and your mother. You are not crawling to him in any way. You are not demeaning yourself by visiting someone who was horrible to you, nor begging for a reunion or an apology, nor offering any apology for not having seen him.

You are just accepting an unpleasant 20 minutes out of your life in order to have this useless tosser off your conscience. If you ask him how he's handling his pain medication he'll probably spend the whole time moaning and you can just sit there and nod, then leave saying "Well, I don't want to stay too long and tire you out."

BTW, I don't think YABU if you choose not to go. I'm just saying you could choose to go. Good luck whatever you do.