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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Poorly DD2 and P has buggered off skiing

28 replies

AvocadoAndFitch · 01/04/2012 11:51

I think I'm not BU but don't know how to react when P gets back.

I've got flu like symptoms so am feeling rubbish and sensitive. P has been an insensitive twat since first thing.

Started the day with DC ( DD1 4 years DD2 2 years and DS 6 months) wanting to go down stairs, P sat in bed and turned the radio on high on his iphone. so with that, my headache and DC noise I took them down stairs.

I basically did everything like always with him ignoring the fact I was struggling. I then went for a bath and ended up with DD watching me and DS screaming down stairs with P watching TV and only dealing with DS when I was in earshot.

DD2 is has an immune problem that is being investigated but basically, she can't fight infection very well and is in and out of hospital at the moment but we are struggling to control her recurrent infections.

DD2 started up with her breathing problems ( so I bet we are looking at another infection) I started her on all her emergency meds and shouted to P, think this will be another hospital trip and I would need to prepare. he made grumbling sounds in agreement.

P then got dressed and went out the door, I thought he was going shopping for baby milk etc (DS is BF but we mix feed in hospital ) No he has bugged off to the indoor snow place 1 hour away skiing claiming to not know DD2 was ill. She currently sounds like we have a train in the living room and nebuliser on so you can't miss it.

P says I knew he was planning on skiing today and I didn't tell him he couldn't go so isn't in the wrong and won't be back for another 3hours.

So now Im left finding backup childcare for DD1 and DS while I see what affect the meds have on DD2. Knowing if they don't work I'll have to leave DD2 at the hospital because I won't be allowed to stay with my flu'y symptoms ( she is isolated when she goes in).

I'm fuming with P but how do I deal with it when he chooses to reappear? Also yes our relationship is currently worse than rubbish and DD2 hospital trips are pushing it over the edge. But neither of us have the energy to fix it until DD2 is better/diagnosed. He struggles to understand DD2 needs/meds and is frustrated with the NHS.

OP posts:
DeepThought · 01/04/2012 11:54

oh dear

Your partner sounds as though he is denial about DD2s medical needs as well as being a bit crap in general

Sirzy · 01/04/2012 11:55

What a prat.

I think though you do need to make the effort now to sort things so you both know where you stand.

Is there a relative who would be able to stay with your Dd if she ends up in hopsital? Hopefully the medicines kick in soon.

pinkyredrose · 01/04/2012 11:56

Fucking hell he's an arsehole!

Can you call him again and ask him to come back? Would he be a decent father and deal with his ill child?

ABatInBunkFive · 01/04/2012 11:59

Personally his bags would be greeting him on his return, he went out knowing you feel like crap, with a poorly DD isn't coming home now he knows the state of play. He has a brain he can use it does he need to be 'told' everything?

Sad
ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 01/04/2012 12:05

My sister put up with a twatty mctwattery pants for years.

Her turning point was when their dd collapsed having a seizure, he refused to leave his football match to see his dd or to collect their severely disabled son leaving sis with both.

He eventually turned up during half time, stayed for a few minutes and left to return to his match leaving my sis to cope with both kids alone.

Within 8 weeks she'd packed up their stuff and gone, after years of us nagging and her putting up with his shitty treatment, she'd seen sense.

You will reach your turning point me dear, you just haven't had enough yet.

Flyonthewindscreen · 01/04/2012 12:08

He knew your DD would probably need to be admitted to hospital and that you are ill also and you have two other DC under five and he went ski-ing! Useless selfish twat. Do you have any family or friends that can come and help you right now? Don't be afraid to tell them exactly where P is. Hope your DD is better soon.

Original poster
AvocadoAndFitch · 01/04/2012 12:09

I thing he realised DD ill + me ill = him taking DD to hospital and so buggered off.
I will need to go to the hospital at least initially to run through her current history, meds etc ( something I would have got P to do) but relatives don't know enough about. My DM lives an hour away herself so neighbours are having to step in.

When realised he hadn't gone to the shops I rang him and he was "nearly there", so is now skiing and uncontactable for 2 hours.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/04/2012 12:15

If he didn't turn straight round to come back then I think the bags on the doorstep option would be very tempting!

gordyslovesheep · 01/04/2012 12:27

ohhhh now I was going to suggest you actually SPELL OUT what you want from him IE Darling I am ill ...please take the children downstairs, I am going for a bath please watch them ...' rather than expect him to know you want him to UNTIL I got to the skiing bit - I thought he had arranged it ages ago and you knew not that he had just uppsed an gone

therefore I conclude he is a knobshaft and you should kick him in the nuts

Seriously poor you xxxxx

Debeez · 01/04/2012 14:39

This all sounds familiar. My dad was very poorly and I had a DS to look after too. Only driver in the family. exP left me in the lurch. One occasion I needed to be with my dad and also to pick DS up, no other childcare available, he said he had work, turns out he was out socialising (with another woman but that's another post). I know your situation is slightly different and I'm not suggesting your P is anywhere other than the ski place, but he's meant to be with you.

I know you tend to pootle on in relationships when things get tough thinking when life is easier you can work it through. No point looking forward to the good times to sort things out if you can't get through the bad. He may be struggling with DD2 and the NHS, but I'll bet it's no walk in the park for you either. Any relationship is easy when everything's fine and rosy, you get the measure of it when the shit hits the proverbial.

God this is bringing it back for me, if I could get to you now I'd watch other DCs for you. All I can say from experience is that it was easier once I'd kicked the bastard out as then at least I KNEW I was on my own and could plan for it instead of being left in the lurch.

Good luck to you in the future and all the best to all three of your darling children.

PurpleRomanesco · 01/04/2012 14:46

It may sound OTT but this would be a deal breaker for me. I could never imagine a loving father who truly cares about his family behaving like this.

Sorry your going through this Avocado. :(

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 01/04/2012 14:57

Sorry OP, sounds like the sort of thing my ex used to do and I would be too scared to admit to my family that he was being a selfish idiot so would make up stories to cover for him. Wish I could help, sorry.

Gordy, why would she need to spell out to a grown adult that he needs to also look after his own children rather than lie in bed all morning like a teenager?

emdelafield · 01/04/2012 15:13

This sounds absolutely awful and I hope your little one gets better soon.

I have been thinking about your post and wanted to suggest the following coping strategy.

Firstly this is not a good relationship but I am assuming that now is not the time to leave so I am proposing a short term strategy.

I think you need to call on any or all real life help and don't be afraid to ask people.

Do you have someone who could come to stay or take your older DC? If your partner cannot /will not offer emotional or practical support can he offer money for you to buy in childcare/household help etc?

I think you assume nothing from your partner (you won't be disappointed that way) so (for now) I would take him out of the equation altogether and save your energies for yourself and your children.

Medium term (once the health problems are resolved/under control) I think you need to question if this is the right relationship for you to be in. If the answer is "no" you can plan to move on.

All the best to you and the children.

CailinDana · 01/04/2012 15:17

This should, objectively, be the end of your relationship. Your P has clearly shown you that he has no interest in being your partner. He considers the children your responsibility and is quite happy to walk out on his children even though they need him. If you choose to stay with him then don't expect any more than what you got today.

CailinDana · 01/04/2012 15:17

I hope your DD is ok by the way.

JustHecate · 01/04/2012 15:18

What an absolute arse.

No parent legs it when their child needs them.

It is inexcusable. And to insult your intelligence by pretending he didn't know is revolting.

So, you know who he is and that he doesn't give a shit. The only question now is what are you going to do?

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/04/2012 16:05

"I'm fuming with P but how do I deal with it when he chooses to reappear? Also yes our relationship is currently worse than rubbish and DD2 hospital trips are pushing it over the edge. But neither of us have the energy to fix it until DD2 is better/diagnosed. He struggles to understand DD2 needs/meds and is frustrated with the NHS."
He isn't struggling to understand her needs - he's CHOOSING not to. He prefers to indulge himself in recreation, finding it more to his taste than parenting. You might find you have more emotional energy without his dead weight dragging you down.

Personally, I'd deal with it by leaving his packed bags outside the front door, and the chain on inside.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2012 16:12

deal breaker

you might as well be a single parent

AnyFucker · 01/04/2012 16:13

who is he "ski-ing" with ?

garlicbutter · 01/04/2012 16:18

I didn't tell him he couldn't go so isn't in the wrong

Come off it. I would expect a 9-year-old to be able to judge whether something was 'wrong' without having to be told.

He's refusing to accept adult responsibility towards you and his children. Given the seriousness of the situation, it's a sacking offence. If you haven't got the will or the balls to bin him today, at least give him both barrels and tell him to grow the fuck up!

I suspect you'd feel less overwhelmed if you got rid of one child - him.

Original poster
AvocadoAndFitch · 01/04/2012 19:03

Thanks to everyone for the replies you are all so kind. Its more support than I've had in a long time.

To update DD2 has ended up in hospital isolation again today. My lovely neighbours took DD1 and DS for me and brought baby milk and I took DD1 to the hospital. I left a note saying to come Asap to the hospital. Needless to say he didn't, he collected DD1 and DS from neighbours and then rang to find out about DD2. I'm so angry with him I've got DM to look after DD2 and I've just arrived home to get DD1 and DS in bed and then P and I will be talking about his selfishness and completely ignoring the fact we have a DD2.

I really didn't want to break up before DD2 is diagnosed and have no clue about what we will do ( The house is his) but it can't go on like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
AvocadoAndFitch · 01/04/2012 19:10

Emdelafield I've just read your post thats great advice for the short term thanks.
Debeez and the others who have experienced this, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.

OP posts:
grobagsforever · 01/04/2012 19:18

OP what an arse of a man you are lumbered with. I am speechless. Is he any practical use to you at all? If not pack his bags.

Stratters · 01/04/2012 20:09

God he sounds a right cunt. Bags on doorstep time. :(

Seabright · 01/04/2012 20:48

Have you made a contribution(financial) to anything house-related? Paid for an extension, new windows, stuff like that? If so, you may well have what's called an Equitable Interest in the hours, which means you could be entitled to a share of it, even though it's in his name.

Doesn't mean you would be entitled to stay there ecassarily. I'm a property lawyer rather than a matrimonial lawyer, so not really my area of expertise.

Do you work and/or have savings to pay a deposit on a new property? I would start making plans. You don't need to carry them through, but I always find having a plan makes me feel better and stronger.