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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel differently about a child because of your feelings towards the mother?

45 replies

GrandmasRedCar · 31/03/2012 20:11

I do refer to someone in particular in my own case, but I'm interested to know if anyone has experienced difficulty in hmm bonding for want of a better word, because of your feelings towards/relationship with the child's mother?

I find that when I get passed this particular baby I just don't like it much, she feels weird, and as lovely as she is I can't really find her cute. Her mum is someone I am very close to but I have a sometimes strained relationship with, and I admittedly find it hard to be happy for her with a lot of things.

But on reflection I have felt this before. My dsd gave birth on the same day as my first mc began and I felt this way towards her baby for a long time. Is it just me? Or is this just one of those slightly unaccountable situations where it's natural to suck just a bit?

OP posts:

Original poster

GrandmasRedCar · 31/03/2012 23:14

Hmm not such a poor kid really. She's never going to know.

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Cherriesarelovely · 31/03/2012 23:14

I haven't actually had that experience Op no. However, one of my friends has twins and I have never found them easy to be around. I work with children and have NEVER taught a child that I felt like this about. It is an uncomfortable feeling I know what you mean. Having said that the twins are very badly behaved, spoilt and tantrummy so it is really their behaviour that I don't like. I do find it difficult though because I like their mum very much.

Original poster

GrandmasRedCar · 31/03/2012 23:16

Wibblybibble that's a bit unnecessary.

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MrsBeakman · 01/04/2012 10:48

I have had the same experience as PigletUnrepentant. ie. I have met a few people that were very critical of my child, needless to say that I couldn't find any nice quality in their children either even if it was jumping on my face. When my sister had her baby, she suddenly did that PFB thing of treating my slightly older children (who she had previously been very fond of) as nasty brutish things who were constantly about to harm her child. (They were not!) It felt like my children could do no right all of a sudden and if i took them over there, instead of letting them play normally after school i was expected to provide them with activities that would make them sit quietly at all times. (After they had been at school all day.) I soon got sick of that and stopped going round there so much and yes it did affect how i was able to bond with my little nephew. Sort of, if my children are treated like this then why should i make a huge effort with your child? It all blew over after a couple of months when she calmed down and became less precious.

maristella · 01/04/2012 11:35

I think it is very hard to form a social relationship with the child of someone that you do not trust, no matter how lovely that child is.

startail · 01/04/2012 11:43

It's difficult all ways.
DD2 gets on really well with a girl at an after school group she knew at primary.

Sadly they go to different schools and neither DH or I can stand her parents (or them us). DD2 isn't mad on her little sister either.

Thus there is zero chance of the friendship getting anywhere. This is a pity because DD1 doesn't make friends easily and I like this child.

creativepebble · 01/04/2012 19:56

Fair enough christinecagney. Point taken. I do know what you mean, but it is also possible to feel very guarded due to parents of kids and this inevitably changes your relationship with their dc.
Yes you can feel you like them 'extra' but also if you know they're going home and things are being taken out of context all over the place and something inane may well come back and bite you and you have to be on your toes to put them right, this surely makes you a little more cautious? Perhaps I have less strength or confidence than you and need to toughen up to some parents!

ravenAK · 01/04/2012 20:06

I have a perfectly nice friend with a perfectly nice dd & a complete twat of a dh.

Unfortunately, the dd is growing to look more & more like her dad & I'm more & more thinking 'EUUUURGH!' when she runs up to me, beaming all over her little face, which is exactly a cute female pre-teen version of her piggy-eyed, chinless, wonky-toothed father...

...& then I tell myself to get a grip & it's hardly the poor kid's fault, but yes, the immediate reaction is there.

(I don't dislike friend's dh for his piggy eyes etc btw - he's an unlikeable sort of bloke for much better reasons than that!)

Goldenbear · 01/04/2012 21:18

How close are you to this woman? If everything in her life came first for 7 years then you must be very close. Are you her mother? If you were involved in her life to such an extent I find your feelings very worrying if I'm honest!

Original poster

GrandmasRedCar · 03/04/2012 17:57

I'm very close with her. I'm not her mother. I had to take a big role in her life after she had an accident and acquired a brain injury. We lived together for a long time, and although we do love each other she was very abusive for a long time. I used to dread coming home from work at the time, it was the same for the rest of the family too. She still has regular meltdowns and pulls the entire and extended family into a vortex of chaos. She doesn't mean to, it's just beyond her abilities to be anything other than egocentric. I care deeply for her but there is a great deal of resentment still.

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albertswearengen · 03/04/2012 18:10

Can you try and redirect your feelings of resentment into finding some sympathy for the child- she will find herself in the centre of that vortex of chaos as you put it and will be glad of a friendly face and a kind heart.

Gunznroses · 03/04/2012 19:06

Grandmas - i hardly ever post on these sort of threads, but was somehow drawn to this one. It sounds to me the person you've been caring for is a blood relative, sibling perhaps ? The yrs of caring for this person has drained everything out of you, and in its place is a person just going through the motions but terribly bitter and angry inside.

Your few comments have been a bit frightening and would implore you to seek some form counselling. This is not just about not liking a baby because of the mother/parents and many posters have contributedto that aspect in a useful way. This is a much much bigger and a deeper issue for you, you sounded like you might be cracking up under the pressure of your raging emotions inside.

Please talk to someone, let it out a bit, get some respite for yourself.

Original poster

GrandmasRedCar · 03/04/2012 20:12

Thank you for your concern, I really appreciate it. I have had some counselling. Cbt to be more precise as I wanted to develop some more healthy responses to this person and her behaviour patterns, and a more positive dynamic between us. We seem to be compelled to spar with each other despite the affection between us. I'm her step mum, and what she really needed was a mum. It killed her that as a teenager the boundaries came from me and not from her parents. It was a role I took on rightly or wrongly because I thought I recognised where she was headed otherwise. She will always come to me now as she doesn't trust her mum, and she knows that with that comes a degree of honesty and frankness that nobody else would expect her to tolerate.

It's strange with the baby. I can see that she is lovely, I just can not get exited over her. I see her and all the complications around her welfare with a compromised parent. That's with the professional hat on, without it on I feel detached from her. Every time I return to this thread I come up with a different reasoning for my feelings, today I feel like I don't want to get exited over the baby because I don't want to reinforce the mums expectation of her getting heaps of attention over having a baby, and I don't want her to think that having children means the world is celebrating with you as a parent for the next 18 years and there's no real life nitty gritty to deal with. Her Carers and professional team treat her like she's ten and she plays up to it with style, I always feel like I have to be the counter balance to all that so that she keeps some healthy perspective, especially given the dificulties me and her dad had having more children.

I can see that my position is changing with my every response. Either I'm just fickle, or it's just very very complicated.

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Original poster

GrandmasRedCar · 03/04/2012 20:16

I meant to add, sorry for monopolising the thread. I had intended for it to be a bit more open to other posters experiences.

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Mrsjay · 03/04/2012 20:21

Is this a relative of yours ? do you have to be in contact. its only a baby its not her fault although if you are going to be in contact with this woman and her child you are going to have to suck it up and get on with it because you are going to turn very bitter as the baby grows up and resentment lasts for as long as you let it ,

Original poster

GrandmasRedCar · 03/04/2012 20:35

I do suck it up if I'm honest. I really do.

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Mrsjay · 03/04/2012 20:39

I do admire your honesty but if you try and detach the baby from mum you might feel different , I know its different but i work with some mums i dont like for various reasons but it doesnt mean i cant like their babies , you are going to have to either not contact them or try and detach , how would you feel if somebody didnt like your children because they didnt like you , and i know the mum is young and feels entitled to children , but we cant judge who desrves children and who doesnt ,

SamuelWestsMistress · 03/04/2012 20:39

I had a god awful time as a child because of this. My father was involved in local politics and due to this adults would treat me badly because I was his daughter. Some would heavily influence their kids against me too. I was bullied and reacted very badly to it indeed and used to lash out in frustration which then made me look like the trouble maker. I had no idea why so many people hated me until one day a girl younger than me, obviously also influenced by her parents said to me "you're really nice, I didn't think you would be because of who your dad is."

I never told my parents much of what went on for fear they'd be ashamed of me and then everyone would be against me! Awful, awful times I'd say it ruined my childhood.

Never do this to a child it's quite simply unforgivable and you may not realise just what damage you are doing. If you really can't control how you feel then please just avoid altogether. Ignorance is definitely bliss.

Goldenbear · 04/04/2012 00:30

Sorry but your difficulties in having children are totally unrelated to the individual that is your step granddaughter. Your thoughts sound chaotic and irrational and it is not healthy to think like this. You're justifying your unacceptable attititude with very abstract thoughts and reasoning. If you don't recognise this as unhealthy I think you need to seek help.

pohara · 04/04/2012 10:49

Of course feelings for a child are coloured by our relationships with their parents, how can they not be?

It is normal to have strong affection for family members' children and children of close friends. Likewise we can feel indifferent to children of family members with whom we have fractured relationships.

However, it can help a lot to simply be aware of your feelings. I do think that bonding can deepen with time and effort, and perhaps, as you get to know this child, your feelings will become warmer.

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