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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel differently about a child because of your feelings towards the mother?

45 replies

GrandmasRedCar · 31/03/2012 20:11

I do refer to someone in particular in my own case, but I'm interested to know if anyone has experienced difficulty in hmm bonding for want of a better word, because of your feelings towards/relationship with the child's mother?

I find that when I get passed this particular baby I just don't like it much, she feels weird, and as lovely as she is I can't really find her cute. Her mum is someone I am very close to but I have a sometimes strained relationship with, and I admittedly find it hard to be happy for her with a lot of things.

But on reflection I have felt this before. My dsd gave birth on the same day as my first mc began and I felt this way towards her baby for a long time. Is it just me? Or is this just one of those slightly unaccountable situations where it's natural to suck just a bit?

OP posts:
Ilovedaintynuts · 31/03/2012 20:17

I completely understand and it's inevitable really isn't it?

I always struggle with children whose parents I don't really like. I obviously make sure the child can't tell and probably over compensate a bit but yes, and sometimes I feel close to revulsion. Gosh that sounds awful.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 31/03/2012 20:34

My youngest son's Very Best Friend In All The World at nursery was the grandson of a girl who made my life a misery at school. I could barely look at the child, let alone interact with him, and it was a bit 'tricky' for a while, as I didn't want to actually have to explain to my then four year old that the reason his little friend was never ever going to be invited to play, or to tea or anything was because his nanna is a bitch and a cow and I hate her with every fibre of my being... luckily he doesn't go to the same school so the situation resolved itself, but I very much doubt I could ever have warmed to the child at all.

Original poster
GrandmasRedCar · 31/03/2012 21:04

It's just ironic that the first baby I mentioned loves me. Her little face lights up when she sees me and I just think "ooh I don't like her smile". Hmm

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 31/03/2012 21:07

Yes - I know what you mean :(

MrsBeakman · 31/03/2012 21:12

I have experienced something similar, but if a baby's face lit up when it saw me i think i would warm to it a bit.

creativepebble · 31/03/2012 21:16

Totally normal. You are a human being. The child is 50% of someone you may have difficulty with. Yes; they are also a 'person' in their own right too, but by default you are automatically guarded due to history, feelings, etc...

Parents of kids at school who cause issues in the staffroom: I can GUARANTEE that their teachers struggle with the kids because of the parents. Promise.

Totally normal; it's just not PC to say it. Places like this are refreshing in that they allow honesty.

Be kind to yourself.
You never know, you may grow to see good stuff with this kid...

sasslejaney84 · 31/03/2012 21:17

I know exactly what you mean!! I have a 'friend' who I have a very strained relationship with (mainly due to the fact that with everything that happens to me has happened to her and its usually ten times worse!) And I have to say, I feel like her DD is a menace!! She is terror at age 3 and everytime they come over she wrecks my house (I still have a lovely drawing on my wall from last time she came over!)

After that incident I am 'phasing her out'!! I tried and failed at 'bonding' with the child!

BrianCoxHasScaryHair · 31/03/2012 21:18

I've experienced the same too and it makes me Sad as it's not their fault.

I had a friend who had twin girls, Friend was a bit of a nightmare and her girls were badly behaved and I struggled to 'like' them. I never let them know this of course.

long story short, I ended the friendship with their Mother for various reasons and it all got very nasty, from her side, and I realised that she was a horror and I was better off out of that relationship. However I would occasionally see the girls and they would play with DD, I found it so very hard as I literally hated their mum (I know it's strong but it's justified) Hopefully they didn't catch on, it still made me sad as it wasn't their fault.

Luckily we don't see them any more. Not had it with any other children luckily, I love kids and it did affect me a lot with the twins Sad

lisad123 · 31/03/2012 21:20

If I don't like someone I spend no time with them or their babies so never been a problem but do have kids I don't like much but get on well with their parents Confused

Original poster
GrandmasRedCar · 31/03/2012 21:26

I really want to love this baby. She is lovely.

It's a very long and complicated story but fundamentally I have a carer relationship with the woman because of her condition. It has halted my life more than once, everything in her life came first for nearly 7 years. I had longed for children for about 8 years and then went on to have a couple of mc's before I had my sons. She sort of decided she was desperate for a baby, bagged a man and got pg after 3 months and since then she's been desperate to have four children as she wants to have more than her sister. She's only 22 but already feels all this entitlement, without ever having really worked or waited for something.

It sounds so very petty when I read it back, but I don't like the baby because I dont feel like her mum really deserved to have her. If I'm being brutally honest.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 31/03/2012 21:41

Your last explanation is bizarre. I understood at first but I fail to see how you can dislike a child because the mother didn't deserve to have her!

Original poster
GrandmasRedCar · 31/03/2012 21:44

Like I said, it's complex. I'm sure there's more to it than that, but I don't exactly understand it myself. I'm being very honest about how I read the situation but I can't rationalise it entirely.

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 31/03/2012 21:46

i think whether its unreasonable or not, then id say yes, it is unreasonable to dislike a little baby for that reason. Shes her own little person.

Whether its natural or not is another question, and its good that youre aware of it, and id hope youd try and get past it

BabyDubsEverywhere · 31/03/2012 21:53

I tend to like the parents and not the kids...thats even worse isn it Blush

Kayano · 31/03/2012 21:57

I've felt this way before
and try to hide it because I really hate the mother

It's not the child's fault but as you see
Them grow and look more like their mother and pick up their rudeness traits I just think

'please god
Nooooooo'

But I actually say 'oh hello xx, have you had a nice day at
School? Where is my cuddle?'

And I twitch inside when they are rude to me and mine

mummmsy · 31/03/2012 22:03

hmmm yes you are being a bit unreasonable. There are children whose mothers i don't like/find irritating/dislike intensely and I have to admit that the kids are cool/good at sport/funny/bit of a live wire. Ultimately it doesn't matter if i like them or not because they're not my friends they're my dc's!

BananasInBloomers · 31/03/2012 22:20

Your explanation is very strange. Of course she deserves her baby. Just because she did not go through hardship to have her dosen't mean she dosen't deserve her.
It sounds like you have pent up resentment towards this woman and have a distorted view of things. Some people are just lucky in getting what they want,when they want it.
I'm sorry for your m/c but it dosen't make you anymore deserving of motherhood than her.

MagsAloof · 31/03/2012 22:21

I have never felt that way with babies and young children, no.

Original poster
GrandmasRedCar · 31/03/2012 22:26

Pent up resentment, yes that is fair. I accept the rest of it too. I don't act upon my feelings, so my voluntary actions are not unreasonable however unreasonable my feelings may be. I want to have a clearer understanding of how natural or not this reaction to the circumstances etc is, and I want to get past it. More than anything I am just curious to know if others have experienced it.

OP posts:
BananasInBloomers · 31/03/2012 22:31

Personally no I have never experienced it.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 31/03/2012 22:33

Likes and dislikes for anything, let alone people, can be irrational - it's not something we can be logical about really - you don't decide to like someone or not "in cold blood" so to speak, it just happens. I can't bear children with a particular hair style (yes I know, I'm mega-weird) - it just somehow "skeeves me out" to use the americanism and is almost a phobia, to the extent where I have dragged my DH and three of the DCs away from a party because there were 2 brothers there with that hair I shudder to even think about it, like I would react to a spider crawling on me or something it's that bad. It's utterly crackers I know, but I can't help it.
So, after all that wittering on YANBU, and yes, I have experienced irrational dislike of a child, and sometimes without even knowing them or their parents.

PigletUnrepentant · 31/03/2012 22:35

I have met a few people that were very critical of my child, needless to say that I couldn't find any nice quality in their children either even if it was jumping on my face.

WibblyBibble · 31/03/2012 22:37

I don't think that's normal or reasonable at all. In fact I find it pretty scary and depressing that most people here think it is. Poor kid.

christinecagney · 31/03/2012 22:38

Sorry creative but I haven't found that at all in 20 years plus of teaching... Often teachers have soft spot for child of tricky parents as they know things can be tough for the child.

Also I find same for child of any person that I personally don't like so much... Feel sorry for child and often like them 'extra' because of it.

WibblyBibble · 31/03/2012 22:39

Oh ffs the old 'didn't deserve to have a baby' nonsense. Maybe it's actually people who think babies are something you win as a prize for being a self-righteous human being who don't deserve them, because they are clearly incapable of interacting in a sane non-judgmental way with a child.