Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another mother issue......

28 replies

feedbackforfree · 31/03/2012 17:32

The only time I post in here is about my mother.

I'm taking her on holiday for a week. We were going to put the dog in a kennel but when visiting the vet today, she advised us that because of his issues with other dogs, it would traumatise him. She advised a dog behaviouralist and a house sitter to look after the dog.

My mother has thrown a strop and is now refusing to go on holiday unless we send the dog to a kennel.

Am I being unreasonable thinking that she is not a nice person to resort to this emotional blackmail? It's either her way or no way. The only reason I'm taking her away is to visit where my sister's ashes were scattered as she has not been and she is getting older I was concerned that she would never be able to go and pay her respects.

I'm tired of living this way; she lives here in my home and I'm the one that feels like a stranger. He's my dog. Up to me who comes and stays here and what happens to the poor mutt, surely? I'm thinking of him; she's thinking of herself.

Sorry, needed to vent!

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 31/03/2012 17:34

Put your mother in a home. Problems solved Hmm and probably cheaper than the behaviouralist and a dog sitter

pjmama · 31/03/2012 17:36

So let me get this straight, she won't LET you take her on holiday unless you put YOUR dog in a kennel while you're away instead of with a dog sitter in a home environment?! What does it have to do with her who looks after the dog while you're away? Surely this is something that has absolutely no effect on her whatsoever, so I don't really understand what her objections are?

pjmama · 31/03/2012 17:37

Tell her if she doesn't like it, you won't be taking her anywhere and she can look after your dog while you go on holiday.

Original poster
feedbackforfree · 31/03/2012 17:38

Pjmama - you got it!

OP posts:
jemsgem · 31/03/2012 17:38

whats it got to do with her
why did you bother mentioning it to her
how will she know what arrangements you decide on

UnChartered · 31/03/2012 17:38

does anyone else share your home? DP? DCs?

pjmama · 31/03/2012 17:39

Seriously, go without her!

Westcountrylovescheese · 31/03/2012 17:39

Oh dear, don't know what to say about your Mother...

However, we have a cat sitter as our might has 'ishoos' and we much prefer it to the cattery now. It's great as you get a house sitter too and they are generally about the same price as the cattery but the cat is happier. When you find a good one hold on to him/her like gold dust as they really get to know your pet. Your house will be fine, it's not worth their reputation to let anything happen.

Why not leave your mother with the house sitter and take the dog with you, sounds much nicer. Wink

Original poster
feedbackforfree · 31/03/2012 17:41

Just the me, her and the dog, Unchartered. She doesn't trust anyone not to let him run out of the front door!

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 31/03/2012 17:43

Does she have to live in your home? Are you her carer?

You need to have some strong words, it's your home so what you say goes, she needs to accept that. It can happen when a parent moves into the home of their grown child they don't accept it is their home and they slip back into parent/child relationship.

puds11 · 31/03/2012 17:43

i'd def pick the dog over my mother. But im biased

Original poster
feedbackforfree · 31/03/2012 17:46

Lydia, she does live here. I don't care for her and I never will. She's badly immobile (her own fault as she won't go to the doctors to get her knee sorted out) and when the time comes, I will arrange care for her but she can manage on her own for now - just in my home!

OP posts:
JosieZ · 31/03/2012 17:54

I will arrange care for her but she can manage on her own for now

Hmmmmm, you are not allowed to make arrangements for the dog but you 'will arrange care for her' when the time comes.[hmmm]

Birdsgottafly · 31/03/2012 18:03

OP- stop feeling responsible for her, you have done your best to take her to see where your sisters ashes are scattered, now back off.

It's her choice, leave her to make the wrong one (and not go).

faeriefruitcake · 31/03/2012 18:07

i'd put the dog in a kennel the mother in a home and go on holiday on my own

candr · 31/03/2012 20:09

Put her in a kennel and take your dog!

Original poster
feedbackforfree · 01/04/2012 17:54

JosieZ - appropriate care by professionals for my mother when the time comes is something that has been discussed between us and agreed. I wouldn't my want children taking responsibility for my personal care and neither does she.

Not sure how to take your post to be honest. I can't do any more for her. I've put my own life on hold because of the living arrangements and frankly, I'm at the end of my tether with her awkwardness and selfishness.

OP posts:
LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 01/04/2012 17:56

You have a fog sitter already, your mum, please go on hols on your own you will have a much better tine

Tranquilidade · 01/04/2012 18:02

It sounds like it's time for you to be firm.

Just tell her it's your home, your dog and your decision. As for the holiday tell her she can take it or leave it, in the long run you will not be the one left with regrets if she doesn't pay her respects to her sister.

.

LydiaWickham · 01/04/2012 18:02

So for now, she could live separately from you? Well, can I suggest for your own sanity, you start exploring that option for somewhere near to you but not under the same roof...

HoudiniHissy · 01/04/2012 18:12

thing is love... YOU chose to put YOUR life on hold for a woman who, quite frankly, is thoroughly entitled and ungrateful. I think you made a mistake. No decent parent would think that this is acceptable.

I think TBH, that if this is a fair example of your day to day, that it's time to re-visit the RIDICULOUS arrangement whereby SHE gets to rule YOUR roost, while YOUR life is non-existent.

Do what YOU want to do for the dog, and the house.

GO ON THE HOLIDAY WITHOUT HER, if that is what it means. SHOW her that YOU make the decisions in YOUR life, and if she doesn't like them, it really doesn't matter.

STOP letting some cantankerous old woman run your life into oblivion. She will die eventually and YOU will be looking at all the life you COULD have lived.

I think you need to look at moving her to sheltered accommodation, and get your life back.

Were you in an abusive relationship by any chance? or have you never been able to have a proper relationship thanks to her? She seems to be stunting your life, and punishing you for living it. Many of us that grow up with parents like this end up being in DV situations. She sounds positively narcissistic tbh.

HoudiniHissy · 01/04/2012 18:13

I know i may sound harsh, but if you were writing this about a DP or a DH, you'd be getting the standard MN 'Leave the Bastard' replies Grin

Think about it. What are YOU getting out of this relationship?

JosieZ · 01/04/2012 19:08

feedbackforfree
Not sure how to take your post to be honest. I can't do any more for her. I've put my own life on hold because of the living arrangements and frankly, I'm at the end of my tether with her awkwardness and selfishness.

Sorry, I didn't mean to come over as criticising you. I meant that if you are soft-hearted enough to have your difficult mother living with you I fear that you will not be tough enough to move her into a care home in the future.

How long will it be until you think she will move into care. I ask because my DM was adamant that we had to 'stick her in a home' when she was old because caring for her mother had worn her sister out and she didn't want the same for us. However, as the possibility of a care home loomed she was most reluctant to go into one. It only happened because I was moving away so could not be around to help.

I would arrange the dog sitter and take your DM on holiday but have a serious think what the future holds for you with this present arrangement of her living with you.

everlong · 01/04/2012 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ANTagony · 01/04/2012 19:18

I had a a soppy Cavalier that was a lap dog so I didn't want to kennel. Normally family had her, but for a family wedding, I needed someone else and asked in the local pet shop. They put me onto a really lovely local family who took her in for the two nights and only charged a couple of pounds. Just a thought, but if you could find someone to take the dog into their home would it alleviate your mums anxiety about strangers in what is her home too? (even though I do completely sympathise that it was yours first, and elderly people can be unbelievably stubborn and frankly rude when you're bending over backwards to try and do things for them)