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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not reply?

45 replies

puds11 · 31/03/2012 13:30

A friend of mine from back home has contacted my sister via facebook to ask her to ask me if said friend and her family can come stay at my house Hmm.
The friend in question has not spoken to me for nearly year despite my attempts to get in touch with her, she also ignored my daughters bday, when we had driven 2 hours up north for her childrens bdays and bought them presents etc. She didnt even send a text!
I just feel like she has completely ignored me for a year, and now has decided she wants to see me, but cant even call me to ask! Im not entirely sure i have anything to say to her anymore. This does make me very sad, but would i bu to not reply through my sister and leave it to see if she actually calls me instead?

OP posts:
Coconutty · 31/03/2012 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PersonalClown · 31/03/2012 13:35

So the cheeky mare has not spoken a word to you in almost a year, hasn't got the backbone to ask you for your hospitality herself and you think YOU are being unreasonable??

to adapt the MN saying....Fuck off is a complete sentence!

HalfPastWine · 31/03/2012 13:36

If she hasn't got the decency to contact you directly then I certainly wouldn't entertain a response via your sister.

AgentZigzag · 31/03/2012 13:38

I don't blame you not wanting her to stay, but I'd make it clear somehow just in case she turns up and causes a bit of an awkward situation Grin

Is it quite a way off?

If it is you could leave it a few weeks to see if she contacts you directly before panic telling your sister to make sure the friend knows she can't stay.

Very cheeky of her to try and manipulate you through your sister, does that say she knows she's on rocky ground with you and daren't ask you herself?

Original poster
puds11 · 31/03/2012 13:45

thats what i thought agent she must know things arent normal between us! we used to speak all the time but for the past year i feel its just been me chasing her and im sick of it!
my sister is in austrailia yet she contacted her instead of me Hmm

OP posts:
MNHubbie · 31/03/2012 14:29

Get your sister to reply with confusion over who she is and why she is contacting her about you. "Aren't you the one she drove to see for hours to deliver presents to your kids but who hasn't been in touch with her for over a year? She is far too nice to say anything against you at all but I think it is disgusting and it will be a cold day in hell before I pass on your message."

Then if she does contact you on Facebook block and report her (unwanted, don't know her, feel threatened... whatever takes your fancy). If she calls you could either screen calls or just be cold, to the point and be away yourself when she is wanting to come.

Or just call her and chat to see what has been happening and why she has been treating you like this.

I'd be more likely to follow my earlier advice but deep down inside would prefer to follow the last piece (but would bottle it).

Sposh · 31/03/2012 14:33

Does she have an ulterior motive to wanting to stay at your house? Do you live near the beach or something?

susiedaisy · 31/03/2012 14:40

YANBU she has left your sister to do her dirty work (by which I mean phone you up and clear the air) no I wouldn't have her stay in my house at all, sometimes
friendships come to a natural conclusion and that's life, sad as it can be!

knowitallstrikesagain · 31/03/2012 15:26

YANBU but so that your sister doesn't feel put out and stuck in the middle, I would ask sis to reply, 'If you want to organise something, please contact puds directly'. Then sister is left out of it and will not be getting reminder emails/have to lie for you, and if she does contact you, your stock phrase is, 'I'm sorry, that is not convenient for me.'

Jux · 31/03/2012 15:33

Perhaps she is so ashamed of her behaviour that she's scared to contact you without getting a sounding first.

Do you know of anything in her life which might account for her lack of contact with you? Did you have a disagreement? Maybe she got involved with a controlling bully who wouldn't let her reply to your messages?

I'm not advocating you throw your arms wide and welcome her in, just suggesting that there might be more to this than meets the eye.

ImperialBlether · 31/03/2012 15:43

I love MNHubbie's response, "Aren't you the one..." That's fantastic advice, Hubbie, now get back to your job applications!

MNHubbie · 31/03/2012 16:04

Getting back... Blush

Original poster
puds11 · 31/03/2012 16:08

we have never had a disagreement, and when i lived close by i always helped look after her children whilst she did a course/driving lesson/ work. She has always been very disorganised, but you cant honestly take a year to get back to someone you used to speak to every day. My DP thinks she wont even actually turn up.
Her DP doesnt have a problem with me, and if i text him he replies

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 31/03/2012 16:33

Why would you bother continuing contact when she appears to be using you? Are you convenient for some reason, ie beach or family, that she wants to stay with you? get your sister to RSVP as Hubbie suggests.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 31/03/2012 16:34

She doesn't want to see you, she wants somewhere to stay so she doesn't have to pay for a hotel.

Original poster
puds11 · 31/03/2012 16:42

we dont live near the beach, or anywhere of particular interest, and her family are all up north anyway so not that either.
I hate it when friendships end Sad but i feel like im flogging a dead horse

OP posts:
NoWayNoHow · 31/03/2012 16:44

YY to PomBear - she's not suddenly interested in seeing you all of a sudden. They're coming to where you live, and they want free accommodation.

I wonder if it's the same friend I have, OP...

Original poster
puds11 · 31/03/2012 16:49

may well be noway if they are perpetually useless then it is!
ah it sucks to think that someone is using me! i dont understand what i did wrong!

OP posts:
MNHubbie · 31/03/2012 16:49

What has your sister said so far? Have you burned your bridges on her acting as a gatekeeper?

Original poster
puds11 · 31/03/2012 17:05

she replied before she told me, and just said she would pass on the message. I dont have facebook, but my friend has my mobile number and email so its not like there is no way of contacting me

OP posts:
MNHubbie · 31/03/2012 17:09

You could just let it slide and ask you sister to say she forgot to do it if she comes chasing again... and again... and again... and slowly she may get the message. A bit passive aggressive but like you say if it is that important she could contact you herself. Remember to be on holiday when she does want to come if she eventually gets the message and calls.

Original poster
puds11 · 31/03/2012 17:11

if she had just called me in the first place i would have said yes but i just find it bizzare that she would ask my sister to ask me. They dont even know each other and my sister is in australia so theres a 7 hour time difference between her and us.

OP posts:
MNHubbie · 31/03/2012 17:21

7 hours is a long time to remember to pass a message on especially with the surf rising, snags and shrimps to barbie and utes to drive.

Original poster
puds11 · 31/03/2012 17:26

thats true but i would feel bad blaming it on my Dsis! i think i might just wait and see what happens. Im going to predict that dont here from her again ever now that the 'balls in my court' so to speak.
I just know that i'll be the one to get the blame for the ending of the friendship because she contacted me and i didnt reply

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 31/03/2012 17:31

Your friend doesn't even know your sister??!

Bizarre.

I would fully shoulder the 'blame' for ending the friendship if I were you, shows you have some sense.

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