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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have always wanted two children, but to now be very scared?

28 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 31/03/2012 12:42

Not planning on trying for another for a while yet - and I hope we would be as lucky in getting pregnant as the first time - but I'm starting to feel a bit scared by it.

Part of me thinks that we should leave a small age gap (baby is currently 6 months) - but am I thinking that so I can get another pregnancy 'over and done with' as I don't enjoy the weight gain and had a terrible birth resulting in an EMCS.

Part of me thinks we should leave it a few years but then I wonder if I'll want to do it again? I'll be heading well into passing my mid 30's by then and DH will be around over 40.

I struggled with the first 12 weeks - feeling very down and I just don't know if I could cope?

Also - by the sounds of it (compared to friends stories and reading horror stories on here!), our DC is currently(!) a good baby as sleeps at night but can be demanding during the day. Everyone tells me your 2nd child is totally different and I'm scared we'll have a non-sleeper/constant crier!

DH is very keen for us not to have an only one as both of us love our siblings, and I'm quite shocked that I'm thinking like this as I always pictured myself with two, maybe three, children.

Is this a normal thought process? Or were you all really keen to go for DC2?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 31/03/2012 12:45

I certainly wasn't physically fit enough to get pregnant a second time until my first child was 1.5 years old, simply because I couldn't sit down before her first birthday (due to bad delivery). Your child is only six months old - in my opinion, I'd leave it at least another year before you start trying.

Why the rush? Enjoy your lovely baby, then in a while enjoy trying for another!

MrsJamin · 31/03/2012 13:01

I think you'll feel really differently in a year's time. Anything less than a 2 year age gap is really hard work. I had a 2.1 age gap and the first year was hard, but now it's fab - they are getting on well (2 & 4) and are into similar things as they are not that different in age. Give it a year and consider it then - and enjoy your easy baby!

AceOfBase · 31/03/2012 13:04

Well you have to weigh up the pros and cons. My first two are 13 months apart (should be 15 months but prem) and for me I think a small age gap is great. They are very close and i managed to potty train then within months of each other. The first couple years are very tiring but very rewarding. I am now pg with dc3 and tbh i am dreading it as I was just getting my life back a bit iyswim. Ds and dd are both at nursery and ds starts school this year. Now I have another 6 years or so until I will have them all in school!

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 31/03/2012 13:04

As others have said, wait at least a year before thinking about it. I felt like you when dd was small - she's 2 now and am pg with second. I totally came round in the last 6 months.

Starwisher · 31/03/2012 13:07

I think it's far too early to consider it seriously. I have a 5 month old myself, and a 5 year old.

I would like a 3rd somedays, others not. I wouldn't seriously make a decision until my youngest is about 18 months minimum but the decision is probably taken away seeing as dh lost job which has wrecked our finances. But even if we could afford it, I still would wait. Just enjoy your baby and see what the future brings.

couldiBEwearinganymoreclothes · 31/03/2012 13:11

I would say if you're not sure, don't do it. I always pictured myself having at least 2 children, but DD is now 2.4 and I've ruled out another one, certainly in the next couple of years at least. I feel much like you do - had a difficult pregnancy and then PND and don't want to go through all that again plus I had the same concerns about what the 2nd one would be like! having said that I do think it would be nice for DD to have a brother/sister so I'm not saying never. But at the moment I'm not broody for another.
I agree with the others - only 6m since having DC1 really isn't long, give yourself a bit more time and see how you feel then.

BagofHolly · 31/03/2012 13:12

Think carefully: what if it's twins?

Original poster

Newmummytobe79 · 31/03/2012 13:14

BagofHolly you have just voiced my biggest fear!

Think I'll go with the majority vote and give it at least a year until I start to worry/get excited about the thought :)

OP posts:

redbunnyfruitcake · 31/03/2012 13:17

Wow at 6 months I was still in a battered, sleep deprived, dazed state and couldn't even imagine more children. I struggled to accept the one I had. But I appreciate you have had a different experience.

However, I did get pregnant at 9 months but lost it, and although sad and painful at the time I am grateful that it happened that way as it was way too soon. My DD is now 2.6 and I am 7 weeks pregnant and I alternate between feeling very happy and deep despair which I put down to hormones. DD1 was not a sleeper and has only just started sleeping through the night so I am dreading more sleeplessness but there you go, it doesn't last for ever. I am happy that I got the chance to really get to grips with motherhood and to get to know my DD before there was another baby to care for.

My thoughts are to give yourself time to recover fully, time to get to know your little one and time to really decide if you want another one.

And don't panic about your age my DP is 46 and I am 37.

AThingInYourLife · 31/03/2012 13:26

I agree with the others - 6 months is too soon (for most people) to be thinking about going through it all again.

Why put pressure on yourself to decide this now?

I would park this for 6 months and see how I was feeling then.

I found the 1st birthday a real milestone in terms of feeling I had really feeling good about myself as a parent.

When DD1 was 10 months my sister told me she was pregnant and I was horrified. By the time she was 14 months old I was pregnant too :o

BagofHolly · 31/03/2012 13:31

I was 38 when I had DS1 and was scared that we wouldn't have another, so he was 14 months when I got pregnant with twins. I had 3 under 2 and though I love every cell of them all, it is my greatest regret that we didn't wait longer. DS1 struggles terribly with suddenly not being our darling only child, and I'm pulled in all directions with him and the twins. If you can leave a gap and enjoy your first baby, then I'd say do that.

RufousBartleby · 31/03/2012 13:43

I felt like you and it is only now DC1 is approaching two that the feelings you describe are subsiding, and even so I might leave it a bit longer (similar age to you too).

I wouldn't worry about the sleep thing - my little one was not a great sleeper and I thought this was why I wasn't ready for another, but my friend in the opposite situation felt that she didn't want her great sleeping child disturbed by a baby yet either. It just means you need more time and I think some people are ready sooner than others.

Six months is very early still, I would try and give yourself a bit more time to recover/enjoy DC1 - you might naturally start to feel it is the right time for you as DC1 leaves babyhood but try not to worry if you don't feel like that straight away.

DoubleGlazing · 31/03/2012 14:07

I think go for it sooner rather than later. Then you have done it and won't be worrying about it still. And make sure you have good support in place for those first few months.

KitCat26 · 31/03/2012 14:22

Our dds are 17mths apart, which as everyone says is hard work, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

DD1 was a complete shock to the system, the not so nice birth, then not knowing what to do with a baby and the steep learning curve that comes with all that (and she was whats called an easy baby!). But by the time she was 6mts I felt really ready (she was 9mths when dd2 was conceived).

The first few months of having two were tough but I found everything so much easier with DD2 becaused I'd done it all before. I guess I was just a more confident mother. (And DD2 was just as good a sleeper as DD1 luckily.)

Now its lovely (they are 2.7 and 15mths) I hope they'll grow up close and enjoy playing together. (What I didn't take into consideration was that I will have two very stroppy teenage girls in the house one day...)

kellibabylove · 31/03/2012 16:56

My DD's are 15 months apart. My eldest was 6 months when I got pregnant. We planned to do it this way and it was the right decision for us. DD 2 was a very easy baby though. I would recommend small age gaps to anyone. The baby years were bliss. They're now 3 & 4, best of friends, will be together all the way through school. I couldn't imagine starting all over again now, I got it out of the way in one go and am now able to re-start my career having completed my family. Although I have a feeling my views might change when youngest starts school though lol.

bourneout · 31/03/2012 17:24

I felt a bit like you but personally I think no 2 is much easier. And they will offer you an elective C-section I guess, which is much,much easier than EMCS - both procedure and elective. I have 4 yr and 6 month old, and am coping much better this time, even though I am already working pt

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 31/03/2012 17:40

I think you'll know when you're ready - I did, too. My the time DD was 6 months I was very, very ready - DS is now 9 months and I'm reallllllly not...

And I agree with others about no2 being easier. Though of course, there's always the chance of multiples or special needs making it more challenging!

DumSpiroSpero · 31/03/2012 17:54

Enjoy your new baby and do what you feel is right for you, when you feel it is right for you, or not if that's how it turns out.

I am an only child and wanted four DC's before having a pretty grim pregnancy and labour with DD followed by colicky sleepless baby, PND and a crashed thyroid.

Planned to try for another when she was 2.6 - 3 but had to have surgery, then lost my job so she is 8 this year and is (and will remain) an only child too - it's really not the end of the world to not have siblings if that's what you eventually decide is right for your family.

On the other hand - a friend who had a similar experience decided on the 'get it out of the way approach' and will have 2 under two in a months time, and another friend is a single mum with a 13 month age gap between her DD's and manages just fine.

TBH I think you will know when the time is right.

didireallysaythat · 31/03/2012 18:06

I left almost 4 years - took me that long to get over the first one....

Just remember, one's a hobby, two is a full time job. Those with more are both super saints and crazy in my book !

Mopswerver · 31/03/2012 18:14

It's difficult isn't it? I would say that having been through an EMCS it would be wise to let your body recover fully. Even if you left it another year or so there would still only be 2.5-3 yrs between them. I was 37 having my 1st and had the 2nd 2 yrs & 2 months later....I was a month shy of 40! I think 2-3yrs is a nice gap because, as a previous poster says, the eldest doesn't have much time with you by him/herself otherwise.
I don't think it is surprising that you are having these thoughts after your traumatic birth. Don't pressurise yourself at the moment. Think again in a yr. All the best.

AThingInYourLife · 31/03/2012 18:17

I found two so much more enjoyable than one.

I wouldn't really choose looking after a baby as a hobby, but the full-time job of baby and toddler I found quite fulfilling.

I like to be busy :)

DumSpiroSpero · 31/03/2012 21:43

One's a hobby, two is a full time job...

I like that! Pretty full-on hobby though!

OAM2009 · 31/03/2012 21:50

You're supposed to leave a year between pregnancies anyway to allow your body to regain it's iron levels so I think you should give it some time.

I have 2 DS, with 17 months between them and I found out I was pregnant when DS1 was 9 months old!!!! It has been quite extremely hard at times and I did feel bitter for a while as we didn't plan on no.2 and I felt a bit cheated of time with DS1.

However, it is easier practically with clothes and toys all being appropriate and too hand and I think they will love growing up together close in age.

So don't be scared and don't put any pressure on yourself!

SetFiretotheRain · 31/03/2012 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

startail · 31/03/2012 22:14

There is 3 years between DD1 and DD2. One month it just felt right to TTC %232.

Got PG in 3 months instead of DDs 18, which was good because they play together and I'm not sure 4+ years wouldn't have felt different.

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