To worry my DD will end up as low in confidence as her mother?

[nespresso]

I worry all the time about passing this trait onto my daughter. She must pick up on how I am socially. I hate going out and socialising when I feel low so I'm stopping her from socialising as much as her friends.

I'm only comfortable with people I've known for years, and I think I give off the wrong signals to new people, that I am unapproachable.

It's mainly around the mums at school that I feel like this. I just wish I could stop feeling like I'm in a goldfish bowl with other parents looking on and watching, judging the way I talk to, discipline, and generally look after my children.

The other mums all seem self assured, calm, together. I feel like it's written all over my face how insecure I feel about being a good mum.

I'm exactly the same, and have the same fears for my DDs.

But aside from the unsociable/anxious/would rather stick pins in my eyes than see other people, I'm pretty feisty and confident in my own way and DD is too.

It's easy to say what does it matter what other people think of you, but not so easy to get your head round the guilt of feeling you might pass it on.

Some of it might be genetic, I know some of mine is, but the main thing isn't to think you're a bad mum because of it a good mum isn't that much of an easy thing to judge, you can still teach your DCs to fly (in life IYSWIM?)

Just to put your mind at rest

No no no, OP, you will not necessarily pass this on. I am not a socially confident person. Never have been. I struggle. :(

DD is the polar opposite of me - super-confident, self-assured, popular little social butterfly. She didn't get this from me.

I think we are all born with a personality, that there is a strong element of nature in how we turn out, and not just nurture. If your dd is showing a tendency to be shy, that may just be a part of who she is - nothing to do with what you have done.

You just have to work with her inherent nature to help her enjoy being who she is. Get her to join clubs and activities to mix with different people. Put on a brave face and try to talk to people you don't know - if you can't manage it at the school gate yet, talk to your neighbours or people on the bus. Try to pretend you are confident, and people will believe you are - including your dd.

People think I am confident, because I have learned how to fake it. They don't see how small and worthless I sometimes feel inside. I am so grateful that my dd won't need to fake it. Perhaps your dd won't either. :)

Oh, and being naturally shy/introverted isn't a bad thing.

Mums at school gates also seem mega confident if you youurself don't feel confident, I feel exactly the same way as you. however, they must have their own insecurities. I am the same, confident-ish with old time friends, rubbish with the school mums. If you love your daughter, which you clearly do, then that will give her confidence. Some of it is just genetic in my opinion, my dd is fairly quiet like me, that is fine, she is still lovely. My whole life I have wished I was more extrovert but you can't change who you are really.

I am confident, but unsociable.

My DD's, 26, 16 & 14 are popular and don't have any problemsmixing in any circumstances.

If your DD feels secure, has good self esteem gained by you being a loving mum and good family relationships, then she will find her feet and delevop her personality, depending on what she wants.

I was brought up being told that people don't really like each other and it was all false etc, that is what damages. So is constant negativity.

The fact that you are concerned, means that you don't have anything to worry about. Try to work on raising your own feeling of self worth.

x post with jinsei who articulated what I was trying to say much better!

What Agent and Jinsei said, and also, you've seen swans, right? Serene and controlled on top, legs going like billy-o under the water. That's the calm seeming people, that is. There's no real knowing how other people are doing/what they are thinking with a public face. I bet many of them have the same sort of thoughts too.

Unless you are running a hermitage I expect your DD has ample social experiences. Try not to project onto her. It's hard not to I know. Maybe you could think about whether you want to or are able to find some support to help you look at where your low confidence has come from? You deserve thinking of too, it's not easy dealing with feeling low.

agentzigzag that's a great article, thanks for posting. I find large gatherings exhausting too and always prefer a one to one. Like you I'm confident in other ways and some of my friends think I'm very confident. How wrong they are.

Children's birthday parties with all the class parents there are my worst nightmare because I feel I have to talk to everyone.

jinsei I do try to put on a brave face but some people just unnerve me completely. For example when someone doesn't mirror me in a conversation, or does not smile, I begin to flap and turn into a lost girl seeking approval. It's hideous.

Just define yourself by the confident bit of you and minimize the other bit nespresso.

I think I might do what birds said about putting other people down to my DD, partly because I was brought up like that and partly because I'm defensive and judgemental to make myself feel better. But knowing you think like that isn't enough to be able to get out of the habit of it.

DH is really confident and made me think differently the other week when I asked him how does he cope with knowing other people might be thinking 'not nice' things about him (which I find really difficult) and he just laughed and said 'I don't care '. He said it in such a carefree way that it's stayed with me and I use it if I'm feeling a bit anxious.

I want to like people but can't find it in myself.

kleptotronic I know where these feelings come from. Similar to birdsgottafly my father taught me to never trust anyone and that no one really cares about anyone other than themselves.

My mother was vague and distant, and we never socialised or had playdates.

I don't blame my parents, they were young and tried their best. But I really don't want to give my daughter the issues I may have because of the way my parents were. I see so much of myself as a young girl in my DD. i just want her to be more self assured than I was at that age.

agentzigzag I think I also judge and find fault in others to make myself feel better. I'm worst when I feel low myself.

Admire people who are able to get on with everyone and not care if they've said or done something 'off' in the past. I will actually avoid someone for a few weeks if they've made a comment that annoyed me. Extreme!

How are you around your work colleagues?

I'm your mum and dad rolled into one

And I avoid people lots.

I'm trying to think that people can like other people at the same time as thinking something negative about them, I do it so why do I think they can't?

It's the mismatch between what people think privately and what they say to your face I just can't get my head round feeling OK with. I'm always looking for the alternative critical meaning to what they've said. I feel so crap about myself I can't take any more from anyone else to confirm it.

It's not looking good for the DDs, bless 'em.

I think I also judge and find fault in others to make myself feel better. I'm worst when I feel low myself.

And you would be like every other person when they judge and find fault. No one does this when they feel truly good about themselves.

nonnomum generally capable and confident around colleagues. Very nervous presenting to a group but generally pretty ok. I feel very confident when dressed well for work, in fact my appearance has a lot to do with my general mood.

I run a business and have to take a lot of meetings with virtual strangers. It's when I feel someone can see throughthe cracks or is starting to get to know me that my confidence fails.

agentzigzag I find it pretty hard to reconcile things not being black and white too. I either like someone or I don't, and if I don't then why am I spending time with them? That's my usual dialogue.

Before children and as a single girl I would happily spend week ends in solitude. My idea of heaven.

OP I am the same... feel MASSIVELY insecure and like nobody really wants to know me...as though when people are nice, I think they're being polite.

I have 2 DDs...the oldest is an introvert....I worried I had done that to her...then I had DD2 who is embarrasingly extroverted..I did nothing dfferent. They both pretty much stayed at home with me until they were 3...sporadic playgroup...hardly any socialising. Totally different personalities.

I LOVE the link agent so thank you.

In Asia, shyer people are respected more than here...it's thought wiser to listen more and speak less. I tell my older DD that it is fine to be quiet.

yup, I know where you're coming from with feeling insecure when people don't mirror you in a conversation or don't smile. It's a knee-jerk reaction I try and squash as much as possible.

Like birdsgottafly, I'm confident but anti-social at times. At other times I can be v social, but I do feel it takes something out of me, and after a while I crave to be alone. I'm in a sociable profession and I feel it is almost a cloak I put on. I was v shy as a child and teenager, and also had v negative parents who diminshed my self-confidence.

My DD on the other hand is naturally very sociable, confident and friendly. She really does see the opportunity for new friends in every meeting she has. It is quite effortless for her and I hope she never loses her belief in herself.

DH is also from the 'I don't care' camp, and he can't understand why I do care, and I don't understand why he can't. He hasn't said it in a carefree way though, just an incredulous way . I like the idea of it being care free.

It depends on what you think is 'behind the cracks' that is so wrong that people cannot see and it is important that this isn't conveyed to your DD.

If you don't like people don't mix for mixing sake.

You probably have some of the issues because of some of the messages given to you by your parents, if these are not being given to your DD, then she will not have the same issues as you.

DD seems to be shaping up like me so far, happy around the ones she knows well and avoids or ignores others. It's good to hear that it's not all down to the way I behave awkward mary.

I think we're both happy to have just 2 or 3 good friends. Our nursery school class seems to be full of mums who are super sociable which leaves me feeling bad. Literally, the other mums will do 3 different playdates each week with different children. I just couldn't bear that amount of 'playdating'! I don't really like anyone elses kids that much either. I know it's a horrible thing to admit to. I really am a grumpy old cow deep down.

I was a very shy introverted child but somehow learnt to be more confident as an adult...or at least be confident & outgoing when it suited me and when I judged it was worth my while.

What is hard for kids to understand (because life is so SERIOUS when you are 11!) is the saying 'those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind'.

It kind of takes an adult perspective to appreciate that, I think, but if children need reassuring it's worth telling them that phrase, perhaps.

Behind the cracks birdsgottafly is a mum who gets stressed, loses her temper occasionally and shouts, lectures them.

This is what my parents were like. I would never shout at them in public but I do it at home. Feel like a fraud, other mums seem so lovely and patient and I can't imagine them ever shouting.

Mum who does not always have an orderly house, often has no clean clothes because laundry isn't done, feels very disorganised most of the time. In other words, things I would hate other people to see.

Two or three good friends is very good indeed. It's the quality of friendship that matters, not the quantity of them. There was a thread on here recently about a man who had 700 FB friends yet only one showed interest when he attempted suicide. So much for lots of friends.

Three playdates a week sounds very ott to me. One a week, one a fortnight - I think that would be plenty.

pohara too much for me too. I find it all quite tiring and couldn't manage that much socialising in a week. Never have done.

I think it's highlighted by the fact our nursery school is very much about community and everyone knowing everyone. Ironically that's one of the main reasons I chose it :)