Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's been invited to a 'big fat gypsy wedding' party

75 replies

WaddaYaReckon · 30/03/2012 21:18

Tell me what I should think about it please MN.

DD's 11 YO, and has been told to dress over the top.

She told me and I was like 'WTF Heck??'
And she was like 'Yeah!'
And I was like 'No way'
And she was like 'Yes way!'

(I'm up with the kidz yeah, innit Wink)

One half of me thinks well if it's on the telly it must be an OK way of describing the group, but then some travelling people might be offended by it, then I think it's only fancy dress, before wondering what it would sound like applied to another minority group.

Also, she's in a class full of brats 'opinionated brats children' at school who are pretty shitty with her at times, so I don't want to ostracize her even more.

The worst bit is the whole class has been invited but one lad left out Sad DD has said something to the lass having the party, but she didn't think anything of it. I'm more disgusted at her parents letting her not invite one lad, even though he can be a pain. S'not on.

OP posts:
droves · 31/03/2012 10:05

Sorry but I'd be inclined to say no .

Party is racist-themed , and they sound vile little brats anyway .why would you want your child to mix with the group that bully her .

What I would do is invite the lad that's been excluded round for tea instead . Get some DVDs for them to watch and set up a games consol for them (even if you have to borrow one for the day)

StringOrNothing · 31/03/2012 10:08

You don't know why the one boy has been left out - since you know his behaviour is difficult it is at least possible that he acted specifically badly to the birthday girl and her parents put their foot down - there are some circumstances where it would be entirely reasonable to leave out one child from a class.

On the gypsy thing - you have my sympathy, I see that it's a difficult situation.

LesAnimaux · 31/03/2012 10:10

A lets take the piss out of an ethnic group party? Hmm

I, however, would love a great big dress, so can totally see the attraction of wanting to dress up.

I'm quite laid back about most things, but this just all sounds wrong.

Oakmaiden · 31/03/2012 10:12

See, I disagree there String. I don't think there is ANY circumstance where it is acceptable to invite a whole class except for one child. It is bullying behaviour (ostracising a single child) and parents should not be supporting it. If the girl REALLY doesn't want that one boy there then the parents should only allow her to invite half the class.

The gypsy thing - I can't decide if it is crass and racist, or if it is just an opportunity for little girls to dress up in outrageous frocks (which are just up most of their streets, lets face it).

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 31/03/2012 10:13

Personally I wouldnt let my DC go.
I would also hold forth at great length about how offensive it was and throw in a lecture about the role of women in BFGW for good measure.

But I am annoying like that and my DCs are used to it Grin

The party sounds awful on several levels.

Oakmaiden · 31/03/2012 10:16

Thing is - IS it a "lets take the piss out of an ethinic group" thing - or is it just a "my daughter really wants the chance to dress on one of those outrageous dresses and have a great time" thing? I strongly suspect it is the dresses that are the draw here - not a desire to laugh at an ethnic group. After all, my daughter wants a Harry Potter party because she wants to dress up in a robe and pretend to cast spells, not because she has a desire to mock the concept of Harry Potter.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it might be an entirely innocent "I have seen the programme and would LOVE to have a party/dress like that" with no offence intended...

laughlovelife · 31/03/2012 10:16

I dont see it offensive, its a bunch of kids copying a TV programme, in the way many of us have had sex and the city parties, come dine with me etc... in a kid view it is just a get together wearing elaborate clothing.

I would see it as a way to educate your dd on the different cultures OP, to your dd on travelling communities, I dont see this as racist at all, in the same way I would not see it as being racist if I went to a themed Chinese, Indian, American party etc... If we take the adult opinion of travelling communities out of this, all we have is a bunch of children dressing up in big clothing, as the adult you can then educate your children on the culture.

CherryBlossom27 · 31/03/2012 10:21

This is horrible IMO! I'd hate to know what kind of parents would host this type of party, I don't think it's a good image for 11 year old girls to be dressing up in high heels/ boob tubes/mini skirts/trowel full of make up as shown on the tv series...

It's up to you if you want to send your dd or not, I'd be very reluctant to send her if it was me.

StringOrNothing · 31/03/2012 10:21

I'd say that a 10/11 year old is old enough to suffer the consequences of their actions and if they've, say, thrown a chair at my child, or cut their hair off against their will or written vile things about them on the whiteboard or shouted racist or homophobic abuse at them in the playground then they should not expect to be invited to their birthday party, neither would I change my plans for a large party in order to avoid hurting their feelings.

Generally speaking I do agree that it's wrong to leave just a few children put of a party, but there are specific circumstances such as the above where I think it's justified, and it's possible that the OPs example is one of them.

StringOrNothing · 31/03/2012 10:22

I'd say that a 10/11 year old is old enough to suffer the consequences of their actions and if they've, say, thrown a chair at my child, or cut their hair off against their will or written vile things about them on the whiteboard or shouted racist or homophobic abuse at them in the playground then they should not expect to be invited to their birthday party, neither would I change my plans for a large party in order to avoid hurting their feelings.

Generally speaking I do agree that it's wrong to leave just a few children out of a party, but there are specific circumstances such as the above where I think it's justified, and it's possible that the OPs example is one of them.

StringOrNothing · 31/03/2012 10:22

Oops, sorry for double post

leftwingharpie · 31/03/2012 10:44

I also thought she'd been invited to an actual gypsy wedding party and that it was a fashion dilemma - i.e. what to get for her to wear that would be suitably OTT for the occasion, without going so far that the traveller guests might think she was taking the piss out of them by turning up in fancy dress!

I think if it's a "Big Fat Gypsy Wedding" party, i.e. the theme is the TV show, it's not quite the same situation as if the theme was "gypsies".

noblegiraffe · 31/03/2012 11:39

An 11 year old girl said to me the other day 'I want to be a gypsy'. I asked her why and she said 'because they get their hair and nails done'.

So I suspect that the party rather than taking the piss out of an ethnic group is merely a theme which allows them to get all dressed up. Not a great idea for a party theme, but probably nothing sinister.

seeker · 31/03/2012 11:50

"I would see it as a way to educate your dd on the different cultures OP, to your dd on travelling communities, I dont see this as racist at all, in the same way I would not see it as being racist if I went to a themed Chinese, Indian, American party etc... If we take the adult opinion of travelling communities out of this, all we have is a bunch of children dressing up in big clothing, as the adult you can then educate your children on the culture."

Oakmaiden · 31/03/2012 11:51

String - there is no suggestion that the child has done any of these things, though - just that he is "a bit of a tyke".

Even then deliberately excluding one child, for whatever reason, is unkind.

But I guess that is not what the thread is about.

OriginalJamie · 31/03/2012 12:04

I would find some excuse not to go. I couldn't condone it.

MerryMarigold · 31/03/2012 13:55

Sounds Essex-tastic! Ooops, there's another stereotype Blush.

A big concern for me is, if your dd goes will it just be an opportunity to be nasty to her that she hasn't got the 'right' dress or makeup...

Birdsgottafly · 31/03/2012 14:04

Unless the mother needs flagging done and was hoping that the lads going the party would oblige (there goes another stereotype).

I would see it as a way to educate your dd on the different cultures OP

OP perhaps hire a horse and have your DD turn up with it, or borrow a few greyhounds/saluki's? Throw a few ferrets in the mix and your sorted.

Original poster
WaddaYaReckon · 31/03/2012 14:23

The trouble DD has at school is pretty low level and anything more is dealt with by the teachers, so I don't think it's a Stephen Kings Carrie type of situation to lure her into a life remembering the humiliation Grin Well, I hope not, she's got a nice summer dress she can wear if she went, and I wouldn't mind putting some make up on her etc.

The 'drawbacks' to her going might be outweighed by what the interaction outside school could bring for her. The children are different with her in out of school clubs, and it does carry over to school with some children.

And because there are posters who also think it could be seen as just a bit of fun (which doesn't excuse any claims to it being racist) it might be a bit of a grey area. Just because someone could define it as racist doesn't mean it is IYSWIM?

The lad who's not been invited I would say is a cheeky monkey, but in a twinkly eyed way rather than malicious, but then he would be alright in front of an adult and I suppose he could be different at school. But DD said at the reward system assembly they have at her school on a Friday, another lad got a reward because he hadn't punched anyone that week!! Shock even DD was Shock at the blatent rewarding of something that should be bloody expected. So who knows?

OP posts:
NewHouse · 31/03/2012 14:23

If you are that badly off financially then use it as excuse to not buy an outfit that will not be reused.

Original poster
WaddaYaReckon · 31/03/2012 14:25

I was just wondering how the teacher who gives out the rewards on a Friday worded what the lad who hadn't punched anybody had done.

'Step forward X. Now X is here this afternoon because he managed to go a whole week without punching anyone out, well done X'

Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
WaddaYaReckon · 31/03/2012 14:25

I'll have to ask DD about that one Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
WaddaYaReckon · 31/03/2012 14:26

My Dad brought her back a dress from a trip away that's pretty cool NewHouse, but thanks for the suggestion Smile

OP posts:
AgnesCampbellMacPhail · 31/03/2012 14:45

Does your Dd do any out of school activities like brownies? It might be worth looking at alternative friendship groups for her.

I can't believe that this is anything but racist. It's despicable.

Mrsjay · 31/03/2012 17:09

I think its Highly offensive and tbh your daughter would need to wear very little to go , I wouldnt be happy , bit of a bad taste party starting young Hmm

Swipe left for the next trending thread