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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that late night texting to a single ex-girlfriend is inappropriate

69 replies

Moreamoxicillin · 29/03/2012 21:02

Brief facts: 60 odd texts from my DH to his single ex-girlfriend in the last three and a half weeks. Mostly sent after 11pm. Five or six some nights then none for a few days (I.e. not just two per night). Every single text, plus replies, deleted. I found out cause I saw his phone bill. I don't know if it's been going on for longer, as I only saw a current phone bill.

Aibu to think something must be going on?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/03/2012 21:03

What did he say when you asked him about it?

FeedZombieEatSmartie · 29/03/2012 21:05

I think you need to ask him. Has he always remained friendly with her? Where are you at the times they have texted?

It would definitely raise suspicions with me.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/03/2012 21:06

I'm sorry but it sounds inappropriate to me. Have you asked him about it? Be prepared for him to lie fudge around the issue though.

pjmama · 29/03/2012 21:06

Well, he's being deceitful by deliberately deleting these messages isn't he? He will probably argue that it's all innocent and that he deleted them because he knew you'd overreact - tends to be the textbook response in these situations. And since the texts no longer exist, he can't prove to you that they were innocent. Not a nice situation, I feel for you.

All you can do is ask him and see how he responds.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 29/03/2012 21:08

Don't mean to worry you but 8 months into her marriage my sister noticed her husband doing the same. She moved out on their anniversary and divorce proceedings have now commenced.

I don't normally subscribe to the mumsnet doom merchant thing but really this one you need to be having words about.

SnapesMistress · 29/03/2012 21:08

I would be very suspicious and quite angry. Ask him.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 29/03/2012 21:09

Oh and the ex husband...he moved the OW in the day after my sister moved out. Some men are prats.

PurplePidjin · 29/03/2012 21:10

He's cheating, or wants to. Totally and utterly unacceptable behaviour.

YANBU Sad

EmptyCrispPackets · 29/03/2012 21:10

Textbook in these situations?

So he's been deceitful before?

I'd be very suspicious.

Original poster
Moreamoxicillin · 29/03/2012 21:11

I did ask, and he said it's all innocent, but I obviously have no way of knowing that. He's lied to me before about this kind of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moreamoxicillin · 29/03/2012 21:13

He's away with work a couple of nights a week. When he's here, we sleep separately, as DS2 (9 months) co-sleeps with me for part of the night (1-ish onwards) and, tbh, things aren't great between us right now.

OP posts:
pjmama · 29/03/2012 21:13

So he's got a track record for lying and has done this kind of thing before? Not good.

StrandedBear · 29/03/2012 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 29/03/2012 21:16

Talk to him and perhaps work on getting your DS into his own room and your DH back into the marital bed (just to sleep) and see if that helps.

Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't then you need to work out if you want to work on the relationship or not. If you do, then you need to get through whatever is causing the 'not great' between you. Are you having any physical intimacy at all (cuddles and kisses mainly, ignore the sex for now)? If not why not?

Mostly. Talk to HIM not us!!

Original poster
Moreamoxicillin · 29/03/2012 21:16

Apparently he "shouldn't have to justify" himself to me. I'd damn well feel I had to justify myself to my spouse if I behaved like that.

OP posts:
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 29/03/2012 21:17

Yes he should have to 'justify' that to you! If he refuses to provide anything other than excuses to you then you need to think on your options and spell it out to him how he's making you feel.

pjmama · 29/03/2012 21:19

"shouldn't have to justify" why he's having conversations with his ex that he feels the need to keep secret from you? Let me guess, did he get all indignant and angry that you were questioning him?

QuintessentialShadows · 29/03/2012 21:19

Well, he either "justifies" it, or packs his bags and move.

If he thinks it is appropriate, I would not want to be in that marriage...

AnyFucker · 29/03/2012 21:25

ah

the writing is on the wall, love

he will blame you when he shags her (if he hasn't already)

he would be wrong

pjmama · 29/03/2012 21:27

Ask him whether he wants to work with you in making your marriage better and getting your family back on track, or if he wants to continue to indulging his escapist fantasy (giving him major benefit of the doubt here) with the woman who represents all his life was before he had commitments. He can't do both and if he can't see that conducting a secret relationship with another woman, be it physical or emotional, is not acceptable for a married man and totally disrespectful to his wife and children.

Original poster
Moreamoxicillin · 29/03/2012 21:27

Stranded - thanks for your PM. Will reply properly via PM

Pjmama - yes, indignant and angry. He's "lonely". Why the f*ck he hasn't talked to his close male friends is beyond me. This (the ex) seems to be the only relationship he wants to invest any time in.

OP posts:
pjmama · 29/03/2012 21:28

That last sentence ended too soon I think(?) but you get my drift!

pjmama · 29/03/2012 21:29

It can be lonely in a relationship when all your time is taken up with babies and there's little room left for each other. But you take steps to reconnect with each other, you don't fuck off and sext with your ex!

catgirl1976 · 29/03/2012 21:29

I'm sorry.

He knows its inappropriate, or he wouldn't have deleted the texts.

It might be innocent but lets face it, the fact its late night texting, the fact he deletes them, his history of lying etc and most of all his turning it around so he is the injured party really suggest it isn't.

I don't think this is a man you can or do trust - with good reason

Original poster
Moreamoxicillin · 29/03/2012 21:31

I should also say that - to add insult to injury - this has been during the same time period he claims not to have had any time to sort out marriage counselling, which we agreed we'd have. After we got contact numbers, he took two and a half weeks to even call anyone (obviously he wouldn't be doing so at 11pm, but still...). We are going in a few days time, but I just wanted to see if others thought IBU to be so unhappy about the texting.

OP posts: